looking for a safe place

[Ruffian1]

The reason is we never put anyresponsibilty on the BS as far as any BS is concerned is that the fault in theaffair lies solely with the WS and any wrongdoing by the BS is magicallyforgottten.

 

I disagree. Usually the “faults ” of the BS are magnifiedby WS. I noticed married person in an A here list the “faults’ of their BS sooner or later. And if their AP is married they also disparage that BS. And the AP’s usually badmouth their spouses to each other when together.

 

the sun and the moon rose and set onher. Apparently she is not so enchanting anymore. Thanks to my brushes with herI know she is a difficult person. But, so is he. They are a disaster together;that I have always thought. So here we are. He is telling me little bits andpieces about his life

 

And so, this is how it begins. Nothing unique here. Poor MM, his wife is terrible, so cold, mean,etc, he would leave but he has kids . .. Very common theme here.

 

B]And he doesn't want to leave today hehas a few more years until his youngest is out of the home.[/b]

 

His kids are NOT the reason he isstaying married. If he is so miserable the he needs to cheat, he would leave whether he had kids or not. If he is not getting a divorce it's because he DON'TWANT TO. For whatever reason. At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired bull**** line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to whatyou think, it doesn't make him look like a poor suffering but honorable victim.He obviously don't care enough about his kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her.

 

I have a question for you?

 

How would you feel if another woman started an EA/PA with your H?

 

If you can't stay away from this guy, at least do the right thing and tell your husband so he can decide if he wants to be in open marriage (one sided) or not.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Ruffian1

[Blackknight]

But you see there - you aren't being honest with yourself.

 

You're saying it wasn't emotional, just sex.

 

But for you it was emotional. If it wasn't emotional you wouldn't think twice whether he called you it not - but you do care. And NC is difficult for you because it is emotional.

 

Get honest with yourself. That way you can really work through it and let it go knowing what you're letting go of.

 

You keep telling yourself it was only sex but you're not helping yourself to heal if you don't admit to yourself how involved you have been.

 

I said there was an emotional side to it but it wasn't about that. It was first and foremost about sex. Illicit, naughty sex. We never cuddled or shared our hopes, dreams desires. I think it is hard for people to separate the two things. I am actually having an easier time since he got all personal with the NC.

[Blackknight]

The reason is we never put anyresponsibilty on the BS as far as any BS is concerned is that the fault in theaffair lies solely with the WS and any wrongdoing by the BS is magicallyforgottten.

 

I disagree. Usually the “faults ” of the BS are magnifiedby WS. I noticed married person in an A here list the “faults’ of their BS sooner or later. And if their AP is married they also disparage that BS. And the AP’s usually badmouth their spouses to each other when together.

 

the sun and the moon rose and set onher. Apparently she is not so enchanting anymore. Thanks to my brushes with herI know she is a difficult person. But, so is he. They are a disaster together;that I have always thought. So here we are. He is telling me little bits andpieces about his life

 

And so, this is how it begins. Nothing unique here. Poor MM, his wife is terrible, so cold, mean,etc, he would leave but he has kids . .. Very common theme here.

 

B]And he doesn't want to leave today hehas a few more years until his youngest is out of the home.[/b]

 

His kids are NOT the reason he isstaying married. If he is so miserable the he needs to cheat, he would leave whether he had kids or not. If he is not getting a divorce it's because he DON'TWANT TO. For whatever reason. At least be honest and don't try to feed people that tired bull**** line about staying married for the kids. Contrary to whatyou think, it doesn't make him look like a poor suffering but honorable victim.He obviously don't care enough about his kids to treat their mother with enough respect not to cheat on her.

 

I have a question for you?

 

How would you feel if another woman started an EA/PA with your H?

 

If you can't stay away from this guy, at least do the right thing and tell your husband so he can decide if he wants to be in open marriage (one sided) or not.

 

I am really unsure at why youfelt the need to post this. To defend his b*tch of a wife. She harassed, spread lies and stalked me this whole time. She told everyone I made up thr whole A to try to get her H to leave her. Whether he fed her that line or not, she is crazy to believe it. She is a dulusional control freak and he is a liar and jerk. My point in sharing that was to say he went from calling her his beauty queen to talking about leaving her. I was in their home and her "friend". I know she is unstable. And whether she is unstable because he cheats or is an all around jerk that is still her choice to stay and turn a blind eye to his behaviour while laying the blame at the feet of other women.

 

Her behaviour has nothing to do with why he cheats and h never has claimed that. He cheats because he likes being bad and sneaky. I doubt her being a saint would change that. But she isn't a saint and I'm not going to lie and pretend she is. Just because she is cheated on.

 

As to my husband, i don't know how I would feel if he was cheating. It would explain a lot. Relieve some of my guilt. Now if I found out he was cheating back before I confessed I would probably be gone in a hearbeat. It would be terrible to find out that I was put through the wringer and worked my butt off only to find out the whole time he had cheated on me as well. That's just a gross though and I'm glad it isn't true.

 

If my husband was cheating now it would be my fault for starting all this.

[2sunny]

I said there was an emotional side to it but it wasn't about that. It was first and foremost about sex. Illicit, naughty sex. We never cuddled or shared our hopes, dreams desires. I think it is hard for people to separate the two things. I am actually having an easier time since he got all personal with the NC.

 

I am having a hard time believing you - but that's just me.

 

The emotional attachment does have anything to do with cuddling etc.

 

And now he's asking to change things again, but that could just be more manipulation. You gave him a cold shoulder and he's finding different ways to reel you back in for more sex.

 

Remember that he's a good liar.

[Ruffian1]

I am really unsure at why youfelt the need to post this. To defendhis b*tch of a wife. She harassed, spread lies and stalked me this whole time.She told everyone I made up thr whole A to try to get her H to leave her.Whether he fed her that line or not, she is crazy to believe it. She is adulusional control freak and he is a liar and jerk. My point in sharing thatwas to say he went from calling her his beauty queen to talking about leavingher. I was in their home and her "friend". I know she is unstable.And whether she is unstable because he cheats or is an all around jerk that isstill her choice to stay and turn a blind eye to his behaviour while laying theblame at the feet of other women.

Her behaviour has nothing to do with why he cheats and h never has claimedthat. He cheats because he likes being bad and sneaky. I doubt her being asaint would change that. But she isn't a saint and I'm not going to lie andpretend she is. Just because she is cheated on.

As to my husband, i don't know how I would feel if he was cheating. It wouldexplain a lot. Relieve some of my guilt. Now if I found out he was cheatingback before I confessed I would probably be gone in a hearbeat. It would beterrible to find out that I was put through the wringer and worked my butt offonly to find out the whole time he had cheated on me as well. That's just agross though and I'm glad it isn't true.

If my husband was cheating now it would be my fault for starting all this.

I am really unsure at why youfelt the need to post this. To defendhis b*tch of a wife

Just felt like making an observation. It is a common issue in A's to demonize the MM's W. I see it on here all the time.

So, she thought you were her friend? You were welcomed into her home? Now I see. And I can see how sleeping with her H would make you feel . . . .maybe a bit superior to her, you were able to have sex with her H, well, what does that say about her, she is definitely inferior. . After all, he did go from calling her his beauty queen to talking about leaving her . . . for you? Because you make him realize what adulusional control freak she really is? Did he feed her that line . . . Didhe tell her you made up the whole A story so she would leave him?

stayand turn a blind eye to his behaviour while laying the blame at the feet ofother women

 

Yes it is her choice. Just as it is your choice to continue to cheat on your H.

That's just a gross though and I'm glad it isn't true.

Yes I agree whole heartedly with you. It is gross.

 

Now if I found out he was cheating back before I confessed I wouldprobably be gone in a heart beat

Your H loves you more than you love him. You did it to him and he didn’t leave you.

If my husband was cheating now it would be my fault for startingall this.

No. I disagree. I would not be your fault. No one can make another person “cheat”. That would be all on him. Two wrongs don’t make a right, ever

[ComingInHot]

I am really unsure at why youfelt the need to post this. To defend his b*tch of a wife. She harassed, spread lies and stalked me this whole time. She told everyone I made up thr whole A to try to get her H to leave her. Whether he fed her that line or not, she is crazy to believe it. She is a dulusional control freak and he is a liar and jerk. My point in sharing that was to say he went from calling her his beauty queen to talking about leaving her. I was in their home and her "friend". I know she is unstable. And whether she is unstable because he cheats or is an all around jerk that is still her choice to stay and turn a blind eye to his behaviour while laying the blame at the feet of other women.

 

Her behaviour has nothing to do with why he cheats and h never has claimed that. He cheats because he likes being bad and sneaky. I doubt her being a saint would change that. But she isn't a saint and I'm not going to lie and pretend she is. Just because she is cheated on.

 

As to my husband, i don't know how I would feel if he was cheating. It would explain a lot. Relieve some of my guilt. Now if I found out he was cheating back before I confessed I would probably be gone in a hearbeat. It would be terrible to find out that I was put through the wringer and worked my butt off only to find out the whole time he had cheated on me as well. That's just a gross though and I'm glad it isn't true.

 

If my husband was cheating now it would be my fault for starting all this.

 

 

OP just take a moment and reread the first paragraph that You wrote. Reading it as an objective party to your A drama, the person who comes off as not very nice and respectful isn't His Wife but the author herself.

On top of all of it, you claimed to be her friend.... ouch.

[Blackknight]

OP just take a moment and reread the first paragraph that You wrote. Reading it as an objective party to your A drama, the person who comes off as not very nice and respectful isn't His Wife but the author herself.

On top of all of it, you claimed to be her friend.... ouch.

 

Here is a novel thought. Two people can be terrible. Her bing a B*tch who had to have a restraining order slapped on her because she caused a lot of trouble for at his workplace. Which Is why I was even more crazy myself to respond to him. And I thought I made t clear her nastiness isn't his excuse to cheat. Also I said "friend" because we were more mutual aquaintences. Doesn't make what I did right by any means. She doesn't deserve any of this because she is a crappy person. But still doesn't mean she isn't a nast pice of work. Because OMg, nast people get cheated on too.

 

She really has nothing to do with me or my bad behaviour. I only mentioned it as it was a new direction of his. And then of course I was told I am demonizing her and blablabla. When YOU have no idea what she is really like. And I am not relying on his word. But then again as long as one doesn't cheat they are above reproach... Smh. Carry on, i'm done with this blind defense you have of her.

 

 

And I am pretty sure I never said I was a good person . I think that I am not is pretty obvious or I wouldn't be here.

[ComingInHot]

Blackknight, I'm not trying to insult you or defend her. I am only going by what you are writing.

The thing with an A and cheaters is that we read over and over and over that even though the OP acknowledges their poor actions, they can Not help but bring up the evil of others etc. The most important factor here, right now is You.

 

You are here, angry, hurting, but not focusing Only On You. You have no control over His Wife or HIM for that matter. You can only control you and change You.

 

So. Constructively now, what are you going to do with YOU? And make it positive!

[lovinDKT3]

Blackknight, I'm not trying to insult you or defend her. I am only going by what you are writing.

The thing with an A and cheaters is that we read over and over and over that even though the OP acknowledges their poor actions, they can Not help but bring up the evil of others etc. The most important factor here, right now is You.

 

You are here, angry, hurting, but not focusing Only On You. You have no control over His Wife or HIM for that matter. You can only control you and change You.

 

So. Constructively now, what are you going to do with YOU? And make it positive!

 

It can be hard for some to fully accept the damage their actions have caused, its much easier to lash out at or blame others.

 

Blackknight is prone to attacking as a way to hide her poor decision. We have seen that here in her short time posting.

 

From what I see in her writing she isn't ready to focus on herself, in doing so it will force her really look at what she is doing.

 

Not an attack here, but I don't see a woman who is at all sorry for what she has done and continues to do. A comment that stood out to me was one made about how she would walk away from her husband if she found he was involved in an affair. Yet she is the one who has and is having an affair. Sadly, she won't let her husband go, or even give him the choice. That doesn't spell a woman who is going to work on much from her end. I too behaved in a similar fashion for years, the whole "I will not accept this, but its ok for me to do it to you". Its selfish to the core and the main reason that she once again finds herself in the midst of an A. Same actions will reap same results.

Edited October 18, 2014 by lovinDKT3

[truncated]

Here is a novel thought. Two people can be terrible. Her bing a B*tch who had to have a restraining order slapped on her because she caused a lot of trouble for at his workplace. Which Is why I was even more crazy myself to respond to him. And I thought I made t clear her nastiness isn't his excuse to cheat. Also I said "friend" because we were more mutual aquaintences. Doesn't make what I did right by any means. She doesn't deserve any of this because she is a crappy person. But still doesn't mean she isn't a nast pice of work. Because OMg, nast people get cheated on too.

 

She really has nothing to do with me or my bad behaviour. I only mentioned it as it was a new direction of his. And then of course I was told I am demonizing her and blablabla. When YOU have no idea what she is really like. And I am not relying on his word. But then again as long as one doesn't cheat they are above reproach... Smh. Carry on, i'm done with this blind defense you have of her.

 

 

And I am pretty sure I never said I was a good person . I think that I am not is pretty obvious or I wouldn't be here.

 

 

Read you first post. look at he tone, Pleasant, epathetic, kind. someone who may have bene conflicted, but who was able to see thinsg for what they were.

 

Read this thread the whole way through.

 

You have one from that to someone who calls a woman who has done NOTHING to her a b@tch. Is that who you really are? is that who you wnat to be? If not, I'd advise you to get away from this afai as soon as possible, as it's turning you into someone you may not find that you like every much.

[eye of the storm]

Sorry, she got me when she claimed to be the BW's friend. That is like making friends with someone so you can get in their house before you rob them blind and kill the family pet. Then getting mad when they call you out on it.

[Blackknight]

Blackknight, I'm not trying to insult you or defend her. I am only going by what you are writing.

The thing with an A and cheaters is that we read over and over and over that even though the OP acknowledges their poor actions, they can Not help but bring up the evil of others etc. The most important factor here, right now is You.

 

You are here, angry, hurting, but not focusing Only On You. You have no control over His Wife or HIM for that matter. You can only control you and change You.

 

So. Constructively now, what are you going to do with YOU? And make it positive!

 

I only brought it up because someone felt the need to project their jaded opnion of saintly BS on me. I clarified that I do know she is a not nice person. I am not the only one who calls her a b. I was just saying it like it is. And I did say that whether or not she is this way because of her husbands treatment I don't know. I wasn't focusing on her just the defense squad that pulled this off topic. It is why I never mentioned her in the first place. But mM changing his tune about her was totally unexpected.

 

I haven't been in contact since that last time.

[Blackknight]

It can be hard for some to fully accept the damage their actions have caused, its much easier to lash out at or blame others.

 

Blackknight is prone to attacking as a way to hide her poor decision. We have seen that here in her short time posting.

 

From what I see in her writing she isn't ready to focus on herself, in doing so it will force her really look at what she is doing.

 

Not an attack here, but I don't see a woman who is at all sorry for what she has done and continues to do. A comment that stood out to me was one made about how she would walk away from her husband if she found he was involved in an affair. Yet she is the one who has and is having an affair. Sadly, she won't let her husband go, or even give him the choice. That doesn't spell a woman who is going to work on much from her end. I too behaved in a similar fashion for years, the whole "I will not accept this, but its ok for me to do it to you". Its selfish to the core and the main reason that she once again finds herself in the midst of an A. Same actions will reap same results.

 

Nice way to talk about me just because Indon't think someone should be encouraged to to have sex for five years on te off chance their SO may give them a second chance. I was singles out and attacked on that theead while other people were saying the exact same thing. Hm, yeah I got defensive. But apparently so did you. So what is your poin here. To he all superior and commiserate about what a terrible person I am. Well good job, your unhelpful post did just that.

[Blackknight]

Sorry, she got me when she claimed to be the BW's friend. That is like making friends with someone so you can get in their house before you rob them blind and kill the family pet. Then getting mad when they call you out on it.

 

I am mad because people took what I said twisted it and made it all about his wife. Because we all know it is all about the Bs. I clariied we weren't friends but mutual aquaintences. I felt bad for what I did. I apologized to her. She then proceeded to stalk and harass my family. I still get the occasional venemous message telling me she hopes I choke on something. She also spread lies an rumours about me and my husband. She is completely unstable. After showing up one too many times screaming at my husband's work he filed a RO against her. So like I said acknoweldeing MM's fishin was very stupid on my part and wrong. Not just because it undid everything I worked on over the last while it also opened the door for another chance for her to go crazy on my family.

[Blackknight]

I wanted to clarify something that the hard of reading said. I said if I found out my husband was cheating now I would forgive him. Because I started it and put him in a bad place. BUT if I found out that he had cheated before my confession I would not stay. Because It would be terrible to think my husband asked me to do for him all the while knowing he had also cheated but never confessed himself. That I think would be too hard to bare.

[Sub]

Bottom line: their situation is toxic. I think you know you need to stay as far away from them - as a unit - as possible. All the more reason to just focus on you, and your marriage. Another thing it seems you know. When he contacts you, try to think of all the other garbage that goes along with it, and voice that. Better yet, tell him he's disrespecting your H. Stand up for the man you love here.

[Blackknight]

Back on topic, i have not been in contact and still pretty disgusted I trew it all away again. When I feel the urge to contact him I remind myself that R was a gift and going back into the muck. I replay everything we went through and get myself feeling disgusted with my behaviour to the point of no desire and carry on. It is getting easier daily.

[Blackknight]

Bottom line: their situation is toxic. I think you know you need to stay as far away from them - as a unit - as possible. All the more reason to just focus on you, and your marriage. Another thing it seems you know. When he contacts you, try to think of all the other garbage that goes along with it, and voice that. Better yet, tell him he's disrespecting your H. Stand up for the man you love here.

 

We posted at the same time. And yes, it is actually good the defense of his wife on here and that last convo because I was being stupid and forgetting that not only was i being deceptive again I was exposing my family to crazy as well.

[eye of the storm]

I'm sorry Blacknight. Being an OW is one thing. I am one. But pretending to be her friend, and you yourself said your were more than just acquaintances, takes a wrong and just elevates it to the sky.

[Sub]

Don't confuse defense with indifference. I think the point is that his issues with his W have no bearing on how you should treat your own M.

[Blackknight]

Don't confuse defense with indifference. I think the point is that his issues with his W have no bearing on how you should treat your own M.

 

Go read ruffian's post again and tell me that wasn't a deliberate dig and assumption of where I was going based on one line I posted.

[Blackknight]

I'm sorry Blacknight. Being an OW is one thing. I am one. But pretending to be her friend, and you yourself said your were more than just acquaintances, takes a wrong and just elevates it to the sky.

 

I never pretended to like her or be her friend. Don't really think that makes being involved with her husband any better. Because it doesn't. But if that is how you justify your own involvement I guess throw stones from your glass house all you want.

[eye of the storm]

Not in a glass house. I am involved with a MM. Have been for about 4 years now.

 

I admit OWs being friends with the BSs are a sore point for me. My (not really) best friend was sleeping with my now ExH for years. She gave me advice on my marriage, comforted me when my H left me, and the whole time pretended to be my friend. It was horrific.

 

To listen to her now I was always a horrible person. In reality, I was a faithful wife for over 18 years. never once cheated. Looking back now I realize my M was unhealthy. But she and H used that as an excuse to not only cheat but to make me look like a huge fool in front of everyone.

 

You had my sympathy and my support when you were taking the high road. Now you are talking about hanging with the BS and how horrible she is....... Sorry, I can completely understand her rage. I'm not living in a glass house, I've lived in her house and it sucks.

[Blackknight]

Not in a glass house. I am involved with a MM. Have been for about 4 years now.

 

I admit OWs being friends with the BSs are a sore point for me. My (not really) best friend was sleeping with my now ExH for years. She gave me advice on my marriage, comforted me when my H left me, and the whole time pretended to be my friend. It was horrific.

 

To listen to her now I was always a horrible person. In reality, I was a faithful wife for over 18 years. never once cheated. Looking back now I realize my M was unhealthy. But she and H used that as an excuse to not only cheat but to make me look like a huge fool in front of everyone.

 

You had my sympathy and my support when you were taking the high road. Now you are talking about hanging with the BS and how horrible she is....... Sorry, I can completely understand her rage. I'm not living in a glass house, I've lived in her house and it sucks.

i'm sorry but anyone who would condone her behaviour isn't someone I would want sympathy from anyways. Anger I understand. A few confrontations I deserved but completely misdirected rage at me and mine. No sorry, she crossed the line. And are you just slow or do you understand we weren't friends. Hence "friends".

 

But whatever even if we had been besties or I didn't know her it doesn't change how wrong my behaviour was. I betrayed my husband and that in itself speaks volumes of my character. Sleeping with someone else's husband whether you or married or not is wrong. Throwing "at least I wasn't friends with the wife" in there will not lesson the complete agony the wife will feel when she finds out her spouse has a mistress.

[AlwaysGrowing]

BK...just as you used a derogatory term to call your XMM wife...many, including his wife could have just as colourful terms to call you. At the end of the day...someones choice of language reflects on them...not the one they said it about.

 

You stated that initially the BW was built up by the XMM. And that now he tears her down.

 

Well...this only goes to show that whether or not a BS is deemed a "good" or "bad" spouse by an AP....has little bearing on the choice to have the affair.

 

So any focus on the BS is pointless...as it wasn't a factor....EVER.

 

Your only thought should be....am I okay with being in an affair dynamic?

 

If you are not...then research the best course of action for yourself.

 

If you are...then...is it fair to force an open marriage on your husband?

 

If it is not...then reevaluate the direction you should be going.

 

From my experience....every step taken in the wrong direction makes it harder to get back to where you were.

 

All the recent contact were very much conscience choices to return to previous behaviours.

 

A slippery slope...some might say.