Save or sink my 18 year marriage

[samjess]

My first marriage lasted 3 years, we had two children, we were young. Ten years later I married a single, no kids man my age after only knowing him three months. We've been married 18 years. We are now empty nesters considering how to spend what is left of our lives. Every conversation we have about the future ends in harsh words, hurt feelings and insults from both of us. I think we made sense as a couple while raising the kids, but we don't really make sense now. We have very little in common, we spend very little time together, let alone in the same room. We are getting older and we do have financial security and a secure retirement fund but is that enough? we are only 53/54 and in good health. I want love and romance and laughter and excitement and attention and admiration and friends and activities and great sex. But what I see and experience is loneliness, boredom, frustration, anger, emptiness and no zest for life. I've talked to him about it several times calmly and rationally, but nothing changes. He's content with the way things are. I make the coffee and pop in the English muffin, he leaves for work or golf. He calls at 2:00 with "what's for lunch", then he naps, hits happy hour with his buddies or the gym or the library or another round of golf...calls..."what time is dinner"....takes the dog for a walk and hits the hay....same thing every day. I'm cute and petite and fun and witty and creative and friendly. Am I wasting my twilight years in this marriage or is this what marriage after 50 looks like???

[oldshirt]

Sounds to me like you are looking for outside blessings to do what you wanting to do regardless. You haven't asked on how to try to improve things. You haven't asked how to change your situation. You haven't asked if there is a way to light a fire under his butt. You haven't even asked for a referral for golf instructor so you can learn to play golf so you can join him on the course. You sound like you just want someone else to give you the green light to move on with your life.

 

I guess my question then is what is stopping you? Sounds like you don't need his financial support. The kids are grown. You don't do anything together. You are wanting to get out and do different things and he is perfectly content with the status quo.

 

If your description is accurate, sounds like the only negative impact to him is he will have to find his own lunch and dinner.

 

I say run it by him. See what he says. He may say as long as you pack the freezers with some frozen dinners before you go, you can do whatever you want.

 

Or he may be heartbroken and want to spend out the rest of his days with you by his side. This may be the fire under his butt he needs to get with the program and do some of the things you want to do and lead some of the life you want to lead.

 

You don't mention anything about abuse or adultery or addiction so you aren't in any danger and there is no immediate rush. So my advice is get an attorney and start working up a solid divorce plan. Get all you ducks in a row and have the papers all drawn up but not filed yet. Get everything all prepared and in place so all you have to do is pull the lever and it happens.

 

Then schedule a meeting between the two of you and a top notch marriage counselor. Set the appointment for late afternoon.

 

Then that morning show him the papers and show him him what you are asking for in a divorce and show him the new house/apt you have a deposit down on. Show him the bank slips from the withdrawal of half of all the joint accounts and show him the shiny red Ford Mustang you have on hold.

 

Then tell him you have an appoint with the counselor at 4 o'clock. Then tell him the courthouse closes at 5. If he's not at the counselors office in the chair and putting 100% full-faith effort into saving the marriage and striving to make life more enjoyable for you in the marriage by 4:05, you are going straight to the courthouse and filing the papers before they close at 5.

[oldshirt]

......what's taking place here is you are talking but he is not hearing you or taking you seriously. That's because you've always been there and always continued your routine and he's continued his.

 

He's not grasping things have fundamentally changed since the kids are now gone and that you want to live a different life now.

 

In order to get his attention and get him to take things seriously, you are going to have to blow something up. You are going to have to pull the rug out from under his routine.

 

He is going to have to see that he is going to lose his house, half his money, half his assets and retirement etc before he wakes up and sees what's happening here.

 

He may chose to step up to the plate and adapt.

 

He may chose to hand over marital assets and let you go so he doesn't miss his golf game and happy hour.

 

Your choice is do you give him the option of trying to adapt or not.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

The term you can't teach an old dog new tricks... Looks like he grew into being an old Statler without his Waldorf.

 

Looks like you want to enjoy life now that you have years to look forward to. Until hubby changes, you will feel burdened by just watching days go by.

 

You can give the option in letting him know where things are with you, and separate to see how he goes. If he does not change for the better. Then go with a divorce. What ever happens, I am sure you will not settle for anything less than what is best for you.

[samjess]

Hard to hear from a stranger...but fair and thank you. I'm not looking for a blessing. I am however hoping for some insight. Maybe I'm missing something very important. My mom tells me that at this stage of life, the most important thing is security...but she is a widow. My sister tells me that the most important thing is fidelity...but she is divorced and her husband cheated. Maybe it's me...maybe I'm selfish...maybe I'm going through the empty nest thing...maybe turning 54 and realizing that going back to work isn't going to be as easy as it used to be. Maybe I resent my husband because he is so content. I don't want to get divorced, I want to be happy and feel excited about my future. I haven't given up...I asked God for my husband .... older women would tell me, wait until he retires, he'll really drive you crazy...he's semi-retired...maybe we just need to get through this time (a year now) and things will settle in???

[central]

I agree with oldshirt (as usual). Shake things up, disrupt his clueless routine however you must. As a last resort, file for divorce if other tactics don't work - and be prepared to follow through if significant changes aren't made.

 

I would never tolerate your status quo. You are far too young to start decomposing on the couch. There are many interesting, active, vibrant men in your age group who would welcome a similar partner.

[oldshirt]

Hard to hear from a stranger...but fair and thank you. I'm not looking for a blessing. I am however hoping for some insight. Maybe I'm missing something very important. My mom tells me that at this stage of life, the most important thing is security...but she is a widow. My sister tells me that the most important thing is fidelity...but she is divorced and her husband cheated. Maybe it's me...maybe I'm selfish...maybe I'm going through the empty nest thing...maybe turning 54 and realizing that going back to work isn't going to be as easy as it used to be. Maybe I resent my husband because he is so content. I don't want to get divorced, I want to be happy and feel excited about my future. I haven't given up...I asked God for my husband .... older women would tell me, wait until he retires, he'll really drive you crazy...he's semi-retired...maybe we just need to get through this time (a year now) and things will settle in???

 

 

Maybe here is a way to look at it - when he proposed did he get down on one knee and look deeply into your eyes and asked you if you wanted to live a life of you fixing him lunch between his tee times and happy hour?

 

If you jumped at that chance to do that then suck it up and get that soup on the stove LOL

 

But I have the feeling this is not what you bargained for so I think it's time for some renegotiation.

 

Since your second post, you don't seem as he'll bent on leaving as your first post so I'll back off a little too.

 

However I do stand behind my assertion that you are going to have to Rock the boat pretty darn seriously to get him to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

You may have to be ready, willing and able to burn down the plantation in order to save it.

 

It may take the steps I have outlined.

 

I would hope that it wouldn't take that drastic of steps but the risk you run by not blowing things up is it will just be interpreted by him as more whining and more background noise if you don't.

 

'Talk' has not worked at all yet so there's no reason to think that talk is going to work now. You are going to have to take some form of serious action.

 

Scheduling a singles cruise in the Caribbean with a mixed group of younger singles might do it.

[samjess]

Old shirt...you make very valid points. I have some decisions to make. One thing I know for sure is that if I do "nothing"...then absolutely nothing will change and I will continue to waste another year of my life living status quo -- and that is unacceptable -- In two years, the plan is to retire and move to Florida...not my idea of an exciting retirement plan. My in laws live there now and are having a blast so of course...why can't we. I'm not Irish, I'm not from Cleveland, my dad was not a fireman...and I don't drink too much and say stupid things...sorry...I just "really" don't see how retirement in Florida with his parents is going to make anything better for us. I need to do my best to remedy my life situation here where we live now and then "maybe" Florida will work...p.s. his mom waits on his dad all day long and he runs off to the golf course and happy hour....aghhhhh!!! LOL

[central]

I live in Florida now, and most of the state lacks any form of arts and culture, IMO. If you're not into theme parks, golf, bars, or senior citizen's buffets, there isn't even any interesting scenery. The warm climate is nice - except for the year-round bugs.

[2sunny]

Can you get a part time job? You might enjoy being busy and out.

 

Your H can learn that you weren't put on the earth to make his meals.

 

Take a class or two just for fun!

 

Tell husband to start making you dinner. Or just let him go hungry.

 

 

You've spoiled him. Time to unspoil him and have him learn to do things differently.

[d0nnivain]

Every conversation we have about the future ends in harsh words, hurt feelings and insults from both of us.

 

The above is what struck me. When the harsh words start, you need to stop. Force yourself to whisper. I'm serious. Say something nice to de-escalate the situation, not pour gasoline on an already incendiary situation.

 

Talk calmly.

 

I like the idea of you getting part time job. If you don't want to work, volunteer somewhere.

 

Have you ever considered learning to play golf so you can spend time with your husband in a fun way?

 

I'd start the next discussion by saying that you love him & want to talk about ways to make you both happy going forward. Ask if he's happy and what could make him happier. Listen to the answer. Then share your fears & concerns with him but do not get angry. Keep your harsh words unspoken. See what that gets you.

[DKT3]

I saw some of this in my parents as me and my siblings left one by one. My mother was very much a helicopter mom and hovers over us even today. She poured all her energy into us. For years my father played in the background did his thing with little to no interferance from mom. Then bang she turned her attention to him. After so much time when he was secondary in her life she wanted to place him first and have him do the same. It was an adjustment but they made it pretty smooth. My mother decided she would show some interest in the things he was doing at first including herself then having him include her. Slowly they started to find things that interested both.

 

Umm I can't nor would I like to think about their sex life let alone talk about it, but from what little my sister can get in before I shut her down it seems healthy. They are in their mid 60's now and were just slighly younger then you when my sister left home for college.

 

I guess my point is give him time to adjust, find a way to be apart of what he is doing then slowly steer him towards things that interest you. Sounds to me that your marriage has a good foundation. You don't have to have a lot in common you just need to find common ground.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think you should end your marriage. Marriage is devastating and it will turn your life upside down. You have these visions of what you think life might be like once you ditch a husband who takes you for granted. For the most part, it sounds like the two of you have had a decent relationship. The dynamics have obviously changed and you're thinking you're not right for each other. I doubt that's the truth. You just haven't changed anything, even though everything has changed.

 

I'm single and 55. Your mother is mostly right that when we don't have security, very little else matters. I get incredibly tired of supporting myself and going to a job Mon-Fri. Yes, I know most people say I should be grateful that I have a job but I've worked for over 30 yrs of my life -- I'm pretty tired of it. I'm also here to tell you that there are some pretty twisted people out there and you have been insulated from all that. I mean, there's a lot of them. Don't be too quick to discount what marriage has done for you. You had a man who took care of and your children. That's pretty doggone good. I guess all I'm saying is that, regardless of what you do, don't think that you're necessarily going to find love, roses and romance. Or that it will last. I'm not saying it can't happen, I'm saying that it's a gamble. As I often say, don't gamble if you can't afford to lose. You need to ask yourself what you will be losing. From where I'm standing, it sounds like a lot.

 

If you divorce, your security will be compromised and you could end up very unhappy and very regretful. Then it will be too late to turn back. Not only that, even though your husband may not be around that much, you would miss the companionship, even though you think it's non-existent, it's probably not. As a single person, I enjoy my space but would like companionship. I wouldn't mind a husband like yours who does his own thing. Most men I've ever been with have been controlling and possessive. Your husband's lifestyle gives you a chance to do your own thing.

 

Just stop being predictable and stop acting like his mom. He can make his own dinners, or the two of you can meet at a restaurant - have a drink, have some fun. Basically, he's a big boy and can take care of himself. That parenting, responsibility thing is over! I'd let him know that the world has changed and new rules are in place. If he doesn't like it, too bad. He will probably rant and rave for awhile but he'll either get over it, or leave. The latter is very doubtful.

 

If I were you, I'd stop talking about retirement and get the heck out of there by travelling or whatever. If he doesn't want to go with you, go with a friend or go alone. Start living life! If you go through a divorce, it could very well take the joy out of you and then it becomes all-consuming. I'm all for divorce when a marriage is bad but I'm not so sure that yours is bad.

Edited October 11, 2014 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

Old shirt...you make very valid points. I have some decisions to make. One thing I know for sure is that if I do "nothing"...then absolutely nothing will change and I will continue to waste another year of my life living status quo -- and that is unacceptable -- In two years, the plan is to retire and move to Florida...not my idea of an exciting retirement plan. My in laws live there now and are having a blast so of course...why can't we. I'm not Irish, I'm not from Cleveland, my dad was not a fireman...and I don't drink too much and say stupid things...sorry...I just "really" don't see how retirement in Florida with his parents is going to make anything better for us. I need to do my best to remedy my life situation here where we live now and then "maybe" Florida will work...p.s. his mom waits on his dad all day long and he runs off to the golf course and happy hour....aghhhhh!!! LOL

 

The above scenario -- just shoot me now. Hey, if he wants to move to Florida, send him off with your blessings but let him know that you're not going anywhere. Or he can get a condo there and go once or twice a month. End of conversation. Until he's willing to find a compromise, then there's nothing to discuss.

[Lurkeraspect]

SamJess,

 

I feel the frustration in the words you've written. Your marriage has become boring and stale. You say that you talk about your future (that ends in insults) but do you talk to him about your unhappiness? Do you tell him what you want/need? If you haven't, you should. If he disregards your feelings, I'd tell him that you're going to re-invent your life. You are no longer going to be his short order cook, and laundress. And then I'd do just that. Find a hobby, try something new that you've always wanted to do, go to meet-up groups in your city, go back to school, volunteer, something. He's certainly doing the things that make him happy, and you should too. Don't depend on him to make you happy. You're in charge of that. He may find your newfound interests appealing, and he may start to miss you, when his lunch and dinner phone calls go un-answered.

 

Good luck, and please don't waste another day.