HELP! Long Distance Relationship Question

[vworld]

Hi Everyone,

 

First I apologize for the long post…..but I'm really scared and need some advice. This is a major crossroads in my life but before I ask I'll give you some background.

 

I met my friend, lets call him Norway Guy, five years ago online. It was truly magical....we met through computer video conferencing so I really saw him and it stirred so many emotions. It felt like we had known each other before and became immediate friends.

 

We met in March of 1996 and spent the next three months getting to know each other better. In May of that year I went to Norway to spend a month....and I stayed with him. It was a magical time and it felt so right. Everything connected.....the sex was great, the intimacy was great, the feelings of unconditional love was great. I even got physically ill after leaving because I was so upset. We were soul mates.

 

After I got home we continued our distance relationship for several months. But after about three months Norway guy broke off the relationship....I was devastated...I didn't know what had happened. His excuse was he needed more "space" but he was half way around the world so to me I couldn't imagine what he meant...but of course he needed "emotional" space.

 

Needless to say this was very difficult for me because I thought I had met the man I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. And for about seven months I thought he felt the same way.....

 

Well in January of the following year 1997, I went back to Europe on a job related trip. I spent two weeks with him with the understanding that we were "just" friends. But of course in my mind I didn't want to be "just" friends, I wanted more from him.....it was a disaster ....and I left early.

 

Fast forward three and a half years. ....we are still friends.....I thought I had given up on him but it seems that as long as he is "single" I still have a chance. I have only had one relationship since he and I met but we broke up over a year ago.

 

Norway guy and I speak about three times a week on the phone. However, I vowed three years ago that I would not pursue the friendship with him. If he wanted to continue contact then that would be left up to him.

 

Although, within the past six months I have called him on occasion.

 

I value our relationship as it is but know I want more from him.

 

Now the challenge is he is coming to visit in the beginning on April......he has been promising to visit me for the past five years....and is finally doing it.....one other thing that should be mentioned though is that he has also lost about 60 lbs, he is transforming his life and taking on new hobbies. We are both in the same field and for the past four years he's devoted himself to his career but after turning 30 last year he re-evaluated his priorities and has made some major changes.....so I thought that since he was making these lifestyle changes that he was considering a "life" with me. He has even mentioned that those thoughts do cross his mind......but as the time gets closer for him to visit he seems to be back tracking a bit. He says that we won't be initmate.....he just wants friendship and respect.

 

I should also mention one of the reasons he gave me for not wanting to be in a "intimate" relationship with me was because he was overweight and didn't feel good about himself....

 

So I know myself very well and want a committed relationship with someone and to be honest I wanted it with him. But I know that I could find someone else its just he and I seem like such a perfect fit. He is kind, gentle, intelligent, caring, honest, attractive etc etc......

 

So the connection I feel to him is more than "freindship" and I'm REALLY SCARED about my feelings, reactions, and expectations when he comes to visit.

 

I don't want to get hurt or rejected again......I've brought this up to him on the phone but he asks me why can't I just be happy with our "friendship" the way it is.......please help me....I don't know what to do and I don't want to lose him as a friend but I want more than he seems to be willing to give.

 

I guess in the back of my mind I'm hoping that seeing each other again will provide us with a different perspective on our relationship. And to be honest he has given me mixed signals....like calling me and telling me he misses me etc.

 

I am so confused and want him to visit but I don't want to get hurt.....

 

Do you have any advice or suggestions?

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Anxious in San Diego

[Tony T]

Go ahead and let him visit, but I think this should be the last. I just don't understand why you want to be so cruel to yourself.

 

If an elephant tells you he just wants to be an elephant and never a giraffe, take his word for it. The guy has clearly told you he wants only friendship. You have no reason to be frightened because you have been put on notice it shall be nothing more.

 

Hope has to be shoved to the back of our minds for a very good reason. I guess when it dies it smells least the further back it is.

 

I also should mention that statistically the majority of soul mates live within 20 miles of each other. So if you really want a committed relationship, never fall for anyone who takes more than 1.5 gallons of gas to get to in your car...no matter what kind of mileage it gets.

[Foxglove]

Dear Anxious in San Diego;

 

My gut reaction to your post was 'cut it off and never speak to this man again'. I still believe that such would be in your best interest, as he hurt you before and is likely to do so again.

 

I think it might be a good idea to ask yourself what you really plan to gain from his visit. He may just want sex and a short fling from you, but it sounds as if you wish for a relationship. Lets say this happened.

 

Do you think he would move for you?

 

Would you be willing to move for him and if so would you be happy giving up your job, friends, home and country for him?

 

Would he even want you to move in with him, even if you were in a relationship?

 

I think such a relationship would only be painful and that you are much better off seeking out a relationship with a man who is closer to home. There would be many difficulties in starting a relationship that is long distance and a couple needs a strong bond or foundation to hold things together.

 

Because you have always been at a distance and because your relationship is already plagued by problems it would be starting from a weakened state, held together mostly with the airy and insubstancial threads of fantasies of what may be and what is.

 

I think you know what he result of his visit will likely be. You wishing for more than you will ever have from him. I think his excuse about the weight is lame.

 

I think you should cut back on your contact with him and if he visits make him carry the cost, make the plans and put forth the effort. I also think you should do your best to keep the visit as platonic one. Have a good time. Show him around, but do not ask him to date you and do not let him sleep with you both paths will lead to misery. In the mean time I think you should look for men closer to home.

 

Dreams are fun, but seldom become real.

 

Foxglove

[Elizabeth]

You poor thing!

 

I am involved in an International LDR, so I can totally relate.

 

I am going to be totally honest.

 

Just from reading your post, I don't see much good for you coming from this trip. I just see frustration and heartache on your part, with a nice vacation to San Diego for him. (I was born and raised in SD, but moved away.) Why is he coming to SD? Work? Vacation? Was it your idea or his?

 

He sounds like he he has some personal issues, and a committed LDR is not a high priority to him.

 

Not many people can handle LDR's, because of the distance and trust issues. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

You don't know, he could have net someone local in Norway, but did not want to hurt you. Reverse the positions: Imagine YOU meeting someone right down the block from you that you find just as nice as 'Norway'? How would you handle that? YOU might be more honest and upfront, but many people are NOT. I think there is more to the situation than meets the eye.

 

International LDR's are even harder, because the cultural difference and possible misunderstandings. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, I think it is very insensitive for him to want to 'just be friends' after sharing such intimacy with you. That sounds more like: I'd like to keep stringing you along while I date local women.

 

If you are still hoping for something else (relationship wise) to come out of this visit, then the visit is a very bad idea. I hope he is not staying with you. It would be worse if you two 'get together' over his holiday, and you are left shattered because he still just wants to be 'just friends'. On the average, sex means different things to men and women. Sex does not equal love or a committment for guys.

 

If he is staying in a hotel, you may just want to have dinner or lunch with him, but nothing else. I am sure it is very flattering for him to have you still have such feelings for him. But you are going to have to think about yourself and YOUR emotional welfare. Do you really want a broken heart?

 

Unless he has some epiphany and decides he wants a committed relationship with YOU, you must either keep this visit purely platonic, or avoid the visit at all cost.

 

Which will it be? You need to decide.

[Acubed]

Tony you are so right about long distance relationships. I finally moved on from mine, but it took like 2 months to totally get over it - but girlfriend waiting around for 5 YEARS is way toooo long. And for your info I was with my ex for like a year and we visted each other like 3 times and I thought we were soul mate but we were SOOO NOT. You just have to put all that energy of wanting him to wanting something else. For me I've decided to channel it all to getting into tip top shape.

 

L8r,

 

AAA

Go ahead and let him visit, but I think this should be the last. I just don't understand why you want to be so cruel to yourself. If an elephant tells you he just wants to be an elephant and never a giraffe, take his word for it. The guy has clearly told you he wants only friendship. You have no reason to be frightened because you have been put on notice it shall be nothing more. Hope has to be shoved to the back of our minds for a very good reason. I guess when it dies it smells least the further back it is. I also should mention that statistically the majority of soul mates live within 20 miles of each other. So if you really want a committed relationship, never fall for anyone who takes more than 1.5 gallons of gas to get to in your car...no matter what kind of mileage it gets.