My husband has an attractive female friend?

[Arieswoman]

Alexandra_24,

This,

 

Yes, she is a patient and employee

 

is ethically wrong IMO.

 

As she is an employee then your husband should not have accepted her as a patient. He should have referred her to another practitioner.

All psychologists have a code of practice about this. IMO your husband has crossed a line.

 

I am not sure what you should do about this tbh.

[Arieswoman]

Alexandra_24,

to follow on from my previous post here is a section from the American Psychological Association's Code of Ethics ;-

 

"3.05 Multiple Relationships

(a) A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is in a professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in another role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a relationship with a person closely associated with or related to the person with whom the psychologist has the professional relationship, or (3) promises to enter into another relationship in the future with the person or a person closely associated with or related to the person.

A psychologist refrains from entering into a multiple relationship if the multiple relationship could reasonably be expected to impair the psychologist's objectivity, competence or effectiveness in performing his or her functions as a psychologist, or otherwise risks exploitation or harm to the person with whom the professional relationship exists.

Multiple relationships that would not reasonably be expected to cause impairment or risk exploitation or harm are not unethical.

(b) If a psychologist finds that, due to unforeseen factors, a potentially harmful multiple relationship has arisen, the psychologist takes reasonable steps to resolve it with due regard for the best interests of the affected person and maximal compliance with the Ethics Code."

 

(My italics for emphasis)

 

It seems to me that, from what you say, your husband is on very dodgy ground here......maybe you could, calmly, ask him about this potential conflict of interests?

[Haydn]

The thread gets weirder each time I have a look. One thing my ex did all the time was ask me about every woman we saw, on tv on the tube. 'Is she better looking than me?' My answer was always no she is isn't. Obviously I was never believed and her jealously grew to scary proportions. I never understood the point of that question. A little jealousy is healthy. I think after reading more your husband is maybe rubbing your face in it a bit and not realizing. The plot keeps thickening.

[Arieswoman]

Hayden,

 

The plot keeps thickening.

 

I agree - there is more to this that meets the eye.

 

Either our displaced Colombian OP is a troll or there is some information that is being omitted ....

[xxoo]

Yes, beauty is the most important thing.

 

That's your problem, right there.

 

How is a healthy marriage possible with that kind of thinking?

 

And, how did your psychologist husband not identify this fundamental issue in his wife before marrying?

[d0nnivain]

For a smart man, your husband said a dumb thing. No man in his right mind ever tells his wife / GF / SO that another woman is prettier than she is.

 

However I agree with a number of the other posts. A doctor's first priority is to his patients, not his family. Sorry but medicine is a calling not just a job. We're talking about people's lives here not whether they get some widget on time.

 

Beauty & attractiveness have a role but they are not a priority. Inner beauty are more important. Look there in yourself. If this 19 year old new employee is kinder & more compassionate than you are, she might very well be "prettier" then you are.

[Keenly]

Holy .... crap.

 

 

 

You really need to put yourself in check. This is just ridiculous. Its irrational and controlling.

 

 

 

You want to control who your husband finds attractive?

 

Did you want a husband or did you want a puppy?

[Keenly]

The thread gets weirder each time I have a look. One thing my ex did all the time was ask me about every woman we saw, on tv on the tube. 'Is she better looking than me?' My answer was always no she is isn't. Obviously I was never believed and her jealously grew to scary proportions. I never understood the point of that question. A little jealousy is healthy. I think after reading more your husband is maybe rubbing your face in it a bit and not realizing. The plot keeps thickening.

 

My first girlfriend did this to me all the time.

I call them trap questions

 

 

Questions an insecure woman will ask that she doesn't want to answer to, and then gets mad at you when you give the answer she doesn't want to hear. Its a subtle form of manipulation to make you feel guilty for feelings normal human experiences.

[Keenly]

This girl's mother was actually a patient at my husband's office, so that's why her mother referred her to see my husband after she was hired. But even though she applied to be a patient there, my husband should have denied seeing her. I don't care if she needed help or if she's suicidal or whatever. She is RUINING our marriage and my husband shouldn't be showing even the slightest bit of affection to other women! Even if a patient of my husband's is dying, I should be his utmost priority and when I tell him to spend time with me, he is REQUIRED to do so no matter what.

 

Required?

 

 

Yeah... your husband is going to leave you if you behave like that. It was going to happen either way with that attitude.

[Keenly]

i am on the side of the wife, this is because she has every right to expect loyalty, to expect the husband to put her first

 

i hope the husband lives up to his vows, to love and honour, instead of oo-ing and aa-ing over some interloper, i suspect she enjoys drama, or she would have left, an act of kindness and sensitivity, instead of creating unpleasantness, poor lil me yada yada

 

any woman knows how to dress as a lady or to name a boyf as both signify unavalilability, she can not be that dim, no, certainly not if she is a great professional, she should just look for a new job, save her mascara and cutie-act til then

 

the girl ought to be ashamed of herself for pushing this drama along

 

You are being completely unreasonable. Your thoughts on the subject lead me to believe that you think that you're entitled to make demands on your husband, his career, who he talks to, how he talks to them, and its just ball and chain imprisonment.

[angie2443]

Hayden,

 

 

 

I agree - there is more to this that meets the eye.

 

Either our displaced Colombian OP is a troll or there is some information that is being omitted ....

 

I did find it unusual that a psychiatrist and his ex patient/coworker, if I got that part right, would go on a medical mission to some poor part of the state. I'm curious to know the details of that mission now.

 

It is kind of funny how one poster will say something in this thread and soon after OP has the element of it in her story.

[Tayla]

I did find it unusual that a psychiatrist and his ex patient/coworker, if I got that part right, would go on a medical mission to some poor part of the state. I'm curious to know the details of that mission now.

 

It is kind of funny how one poster will say something in this thread and soon after OP has the element of it in her story.

 

Agreed.

 

I find that some posters are using transference of their situations and concluding the same will happen to this relationship.

 

The OP is completely irrational and certainly in need of her husbands professional skills.

 

I'm 100% for the husband. He stated his opinion.

[darkmoon]

You are being completely unreasonable. Your thoughts on the subject lead me to believe that you think that you're entitled to make demands on your husband, his career, who he talks to, how he talks to them, and its just ball and chain imprisonment.

 

poor wife, we are talking of a burdgening affair, one you can not see, cynic that i am, i see trouble, kissing at work ffs, only time will tell, ball and chain, no, just a wife hs the right to be put first, to know loyalty, which is the point of marriage, not that you will agree

Edited October 11, 2014 by darkmoon

[Arieswoman]

darkmoon,

I agree with you up to a point.

 

However, I can't understand how a psychologist would not be aware of his wife's insecurities, and do everything he could not to spark off her jealousy. Lots of stuff doesn't ring true here.

 

I call BS on this thread and think our OP is a troll

[MissBee]

I'm gonna be frank: you sound like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum. Since this girl is 19 and 20 years younger, you're almost 40 and I think it's a bit silly to be acting like this.

 

There will ALWAYS be someone prettier than you. However, being pretty is not the end all and be all as your husband already told you. Just because a woman is physically prettier doesn't mean your husband wants her or is planning to cheat.

 

These issues really aren't anything he has done wrong but your own insecurities that you should address. You should value yourself for more than your looks and be confident that your relationship isn't just about looks. Will you leave your husband for a hotter man? If not, why assume the first prettier woman he sees he will jump ship? It doesn't make sense. If you continue you will ruin your relationship.

 

At your age it is absurd to even consider a 19 year old a threat. You can't control if your husband cheats but what you can do is be confident that he thinks you're beautiful, loves you and married you for a whole package and not just pretty looks. I understand a slight tinge of jealousy but to throw tantrums and be screaming about it and to make such a fuss is a whole other issue.

[Lurkeraspect]

OP,

 

Your demanding ways and being self centered are a recipe for divorce. Your husband may find your behavior cute now, but he will likely grow to resent you because you are acting like a petulant child. I wonder why your self confidence is all wrapped up in the superficial.

[MuscleCarFan]

This girl's mother was actually a patient at my husband's office, so that's why her mother referred her to see my husband after she was hired. But even though she applied to be a patient there, my husband should have denied seeing her. I don't care if she needed help or if she's suicidal or whatever. She is RUINING our marriage and my husband shouldn't be showing even the slightest bit of affection to other women! Even if a patient of my husband's is dying, I should be his utmost priority and when I tell him to spend time with me, he is REQUIRED to do so no matter what.

 

The only thing ruining your marriage is your insecurity.

[Davey L]

Just a little point - it doesn't matter how pretty or how ugly she is. You've just as much reason to be worried about less attractive women.

 

 

The only woman I've been tempted to stray with is, by any objective assessment, far less pretty than my wife. Friends have described her as "dog ugly". I became friends with her thinking she was so unattractive there was no way I would be tempted. But guess what? As I got to know her better somehow she started looking more attractive in my eyes, until I did indeed become tempted. Fortunately she has now moved away, so I rarely see her any more.

[almond]

i am on the side of the wife, this is because she has every right to expect loyalty, to expect the husband to put her first

 

i hope the husband lives up to his vows, to love and honour, instead of oo-ing and aa-ing over some interloper, i suspect she enjoys drama, or she would have left, an act of kindness and sensitivity, instead of creating unpleasantness, poor lil me yada yada

 

any woman knows how to dress as a lady or to name a boyf as both signify unavalilability, she can not be that dim, no, certainly not if she is a great professional, she should just look for a new job, save her mascara and cutie-act til then

 

the girl ought to be ashamed of herself for pushing this drama along

 

This is probably one of the most insane responses I've ever read on this forum.

 

Seek professional help.

[MissBee]

Just a little point - it doesn't matter how pretty or how ugly she is. You've just as much reason to be worried about less attractive women.

 

 

The only woman I've been tempted to stray with is, by any objective assessment, far less pretty than my wife. Friends have described her as "dog ugly". I became friends with her thinking she was so unattractive there was no way I would be tempted. But guess what? As I got to know her better somehow she started looking more attractive in my eyes, until I did indeed become tempted. Fortunately she has now moved away, so I rarely see her any more.

 

Davey also makes a good point.

 

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it almost never is simply about the other person being better looking. People cheat with people who aren't as good looking as well.

 

In any event, it seems less that you're worried about cheating but more so you're more invested in competing with this teenager essentially based on your own value judgments about looks.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Ignore all of the ridiculous "everything is fine" "your jealousy is irrational" stuff you are reading in this thread. Sounds like Judgmental unrealism to me. Anyone in your situation would notice this.

 

Your husband should not be having female friends without you present. It is too impossible to resist a beautiful temptation like that. Friendships turn into love and lust. Beauty and youth is irresistible to men. To deny this is dishonesty.

 

He shouldn't be kissing her on the cheek or instagram pics of her. Disrespectful.

 

How dare he call her a friend when she is new to his work and should be just a coworker or employee. She is not a friend. She is a stranger who is giving your husband too much info about herself. He should tell this girl that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing private life with coworkers. He should be more professional.

 

Honestly? He sounds sleazy to me. What is up with all the generic flowers and chocolates and at the same time disregarding your much more important uncomfortable feelings?

[GildedLily]

He's a psychologist not an MD, to the poster who said she should just be happy she landed a doctor, psychs ( unless they are psychiatrists) don't make a fortune Also, so what if she left him and had to date another doctor 10 years older, as if that's a big age difference? Lol not every 19-20 year old automatically looks better than someone older just because they are younger, that's ridiculous. Beauty trumps age, there's been studies on it. The husband's an idiot for co-mingling his patients with his employees. He should know all about boundaries, sounds like he just doesn't care. Maybe the OP can leave him and find a real doctor who cares how she feels, let this teen have this so called "psychologist dr"

[whichwayisup]

If you don't get some counseling to help you control your jealously and insecure feelings and lighten up on trying to control your husband's thoughts, who he can and can't talk to or help, this is the beginning of the end of your marriage.

 

Right now it doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong! Each of you have your faults but how this is playing out is not good at all.

 

You may feel it's off topic, the beauty issue, but it IS affecting you and your marriage.

 

This one girl IS an issue, he's crossed lines with her professionally. That is all on him and his fault and his reputation at risk. The rest? He cant' live in a cave and not notice a pretty lady.

 

Just because one is married doesn't mean they don't notice beauty in another human being. Man or woman.

[Arieswoman]

Maybe the OP can leave him and find a real doctor who cares how she feels, let this teen have this so called "psychologist dr"

 

This one girl IS an issue, he's crossed lines with her professionally.

 

This is what I've said all along - his behaviour is inappropriate. If he carries on like this then he'll get his licence pulled and he'll be out of a job.

 

I can't see any healthcare professional putting their career on the line just for some little hottie. That's why I called BS on this thread a while back ...

[intricate]

On one hand, you are being incredibly unstable and you risk losing your husband if you keep pushing his buttons like that. You do not have the power to tell him who he should or should not hire on the merits of appearances unless he works in a strip joint and is looking for hot models, and so far this isn't true, so please find love for yourself and stop putting so much importance as something as fleeting as beauty.

 

On the other hand... He is stepping a few boundaries. My parents are married for 25 years; I am with my fiance for almost a couple of years now and known him for close to 3 years. Our secret? We (me, him, my parents) do not over step our boundaries and we know what is and isn't appropriate. I have never seen my father having any close female friends, only female coworkers, and he never gives them a hug and a kiss, it's just too weird in general. He loves my mother and respects her, that's why they ain't getting divorced anytime soon, lol. My fiance, he watches himself too, and I watch myself, and I know better than to go around making "male friends" because, and I'm sorry to say this, but men and women in general cannot be just close friends, unless one or both are homosexual, and even so, the heterosexual one will fall for the friend anyway, so it's better to have acquaintances but that's it. Way too much trouble for what is worth.

 

I'll tell you what's the most attractive thing a woman can have, that is far more attractive than youth, beauty, or so called 'innocence'... it's called vulnerability. A woman becomes vulnerable when she opens her heart and tells the other person about her thoughts, her feelings, her dreams, her fears, her problems, and so on. When she does that, and has the added perk of being attractive, men fall hard over that. Men love vulnerability in women, it's like crack to them, because in return they get to be protective and they love being in that role. Blame biology. Blame culture. Blame hormones. But it is what it is.

 

Your husband's female friend, she wouldn't have bugged you so much if she hadn't opened her heart to your husband and let her vulnerabilities out about her issues with her abusive step father. That was a grave mistake on her part, and even more grave mistake for your husband to listen to that. Whether she did this knowingly or not is not the issue; she did it and now your husband's curiousity of her has peaked into inappropriate levels. So what can you do?

 

Lay off. Stop yelling at him, stop screaming at him, and stop asking stupid questions about who's hot or not. Find confidence within yourself, love yourself, find the beauty in yourself. Throw yourself at your husband, have fun with him, make love to him, make him feel masculine and that you need him. Open YOUR heart to him and tell him about your dreams, your fears, your thoughts, your feelings, etc. Connect with him, woman, you are MARRIED to him, start acting like it! Because if you don't, before you know it, you'll blink and find yourself divorced and the female friend gets to play the new wifey now. Don't let her do that. Fight for your marriage!