Cutting my dad out of my life.

[RoseMadder]

I've posted before about my dads affairs and subsequent abandonment of my mom, nan and siblings, things have moved on but not in a positive way. My dad left the family home at the end of March and within three months was living with the ow who, despite me catching him TWICE, he still denies he had an affair with! He just keeps lying!

 

Anyway, around the time he moved in with his ow my mom had a heart attack, she was very poorly and needed heart surgery. During this time I took on the running of my moms house (I live over the road from her) which meant I was insanely busy. My nan has cancer and needs a lot of looking after, I was visiting my mom twice a day and taking her healthy meals because the hospital food was abominable (cheese and mayo sandwiches on the coronary care unit! Really?), plus all the normal stuff that you do to keep a home running in both my own and my moms house, plus my business still needed running:mad:. During the time mom was in hospital my 26 yo brother had an accident and cut his head open down to the bone which piled more stress onto an already stressful situation, what did my dad do to help? Nothing.

 

Two days after mom got out of hospital my dad called her seemingly just to have a go at her, he really upset her when she was still so poorly and I convinced her to cease contact with him. Once he couldn't get to her he started threatening me that he was going to stop paying the bills that he'd promised to pay until the divorce was finalised, so we took on everything but the mortgage, when we got the first months bills I found out he hadn't paid them AT ALL and had set up repayment programs that started from when we took on the bills. Who does that? We thought we would be paying £250/month, it's more like £400.

 

Once I was paying off his bills he started on at me to tell mom he wanted a divorce ASAP, he was causing her so much stress that I ended up begging him to leave her alone while she recovered. He said the only way that was going to happen was if she agreed to file for divorce by the end of October and that he was only going to pay the mortgage for six months after that.

 

Fast forward to now and my moms met with dad once to discuss things, he was an arsehole to her and again she cut contact. My elderly grandparents, uncle and cousins on my dads side came down to visit and for some reason he really didn't want us to see them? Why? When we did it was clear that he'd been bad mouthing us to them, they were all so cold to us and my uncle ignored my texts asking if I could see them again before they went home. We've had voicemails where my nan thinks she's hung up the phone and is slagging us off.

 

It all came to a head over a f*cking Facebook friend request my dads best friend sent my dads ow! How ridiculous can you get! Dad thought he was trying to spy on them for mom?!? Mom doesn't even have sodding Facebook! I'd told dad his mate was trying to get in contact with him weeks before and given dad his number, he obviously hadn't been in touch so the guy tried to contact him through other means. Simple. Not to dad, he was convinced it was part of some sinister plot, apparently they were so freaked out they couldn't sleep! WTF!?! So he screamed at mom for twenty minutes before my brother and I stepped in and told him he was being paranoid and to back off, the last thing he said to me was "F*ck you Rose." I texted him later telling him not to contact me unless he could be civil and none of us have heard from him since.

 

I've heard (from him) that she's a coke head and I'm wondering if he's using then that might explain the paranoia, I know he's drinking A LOT, I'm probably just making excuses for him. It's hard realising you're an option to your dad and that he really doesn't want contact with you, he was cancelling every time we'd agree to meet up, ignored our bdays etc... I imagine it's easier to rewrite history when we're not around to remind him that what he's telling everyone is fictional.

 

I suppose what I want to know is if I need him in my life, I feel better not talking to him and I have zero respect for him. I can't "unsee" him and I can't imagine ever trusting him again, it's like someone killed my dad and is now wearing his skin and expecting me to treat him like nothing ever happened. Sorry it's such a long post, I really needed to get that off my chest, any insight would be gratefully received.

[Dontfindme]

Hi RoseMadder,

I'm sorry to hear about all of these unfortunate events that you and your loved ones had to deal with.

The stress of a parent's surgery is enough, you've had to deal with so much more on top of that. I'm not sure what advice I can offer you, but I really admire all that you have done for your family.

 

If the same had happened to me, and my dad was behaving in the exact opposite way that a father should, I would cut ties with him until he showed me proof that he was willing to offer something positive in my life; and not kick me when I'm already down.

 

Hope things are better now. Good luck to you.

[Ronni_W]

I suppose what I want to know is if I need him in my life, I feel better not talking to him and I have zero respect for him. I can't "unsee" him and I can't imagine ever trusting him again,

Personally, no, I don't think ANYBODY needs people like this in their lives. Well...maybe hardcore masochists, but that's about it.

 

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with him, Rose; and that he's putting your mom through so much shyte, also. It sucks when people don't live up to their roles and responsibilities, but it's out of our control. It doesn't mean that they need or deserve or get to be 'rewarded' through "life as usual" without any negative consequences.

 

You have the power, right and authority to protect your own self, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Do what you have to do, to ensure as far as possible that you stay feeling empowered, strong, happy and soul-level safe. That's your (self) responsibility that you can and do get to live up to.

 

Hugs and best.

[Tayla]

Refrain from being around an ill moral person such as He.

 

Until he owns up to his actions and makes restitution its best to steer clear of his careless ways.

 

Its un-nerving that the sins of the father have to be carried by the children.....As an adult it is a silent blessing to remove yourself with as little damage as possible.....Been there...You are stronger then his ill ways...