adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hello everyone! I have a bit of an interesting situation so if anyone could weigh in what they think, that would be great! I'm a bisexual man with a girlfriend who I've told about my bisexuality (only those dearest to me know) and she is very accepting about it, to the point that she told me it's kind of hot. She's great and we're both very happy in the relationship, and the sex is great as well. I have a friend who is a gay man, and we're also jerk-off buds. He knows I'm happy in a relationship and we've never kissed or had oral or anal sex, but we do enjoy masturbating and cuddling. This works for me as it satisfies my need to be with a man without actually being with one, and he's a good friend that I trust. Is this weird? Thanks for your input on what you think or how you feel about this! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 More important question... What does your girlfriend think of this? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 She doesn't know at this point, we've been going out for two months and I only told her last week that I'm bisexual. Knowing myself though, I wouldn't be happy with only being with a girl or only being with a guy, which would ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship. It's happened before and I would like to avoid it happening again. There's nothing romantic with my friend, it's just bros getting off and then we'll watch a movie or something. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 So basically you want an open relationship. At the moment it is highly likely that she would see what you are doing as being unfaithful (I know I would). You need to be honest with yourself and your girlfriend about what you want and need from a relationship. It does not matter if there are no romantic feelings between you and your male friend either. How would you feel if you found out your girlfriend had a similar "arrangement"? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 I wouldn't consider what I have an open relationship, nor do I want to have sex with whoever. I don't think I would really mind if she had a similar arrangement, I'm a very a laid-back person and don't really get jealous in general. I think that might be my problem though. I might be comfortable with this, but I'm afraid of what she might think. Obviously it's not something you'd usually talk about on the first date and now that we're at two months and I see the relationship going somewhere I want to talk about it. This guy is a good friend of mine and we've been hanging out a long time and my friends are important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 You have a girlfriend and you are performing sexual acts with somebody outside that relationship (whether male or female is irrelevant). If you want to continue this situation, you either have an affair or tell your girlfriend. The latter would be an open relationship. And yes, as your girlfriend does not know then yes, you are correct it's not an open relationship. It is an affair. Are you comfortable with that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 I appreciate what you have to say Anne, but perhaps what kind of input I was looking for wasn't clear. My question is not whether or not I should tell her. We're still in the beginning of our relationship only peeking at two months and as I mentioned in my last post, I want to talk about it. Perhaps I should ask my question in another way: If you were going out with someone for about two months and see them on a weekly basis and he told you that he sometimes masturbates with his old friend when they hang out, how would you feel about that? Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I don't know too many women who would like it Adam. =/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I would feel hurt, angry, used, lied to, disappointed, cheated on, betrayed,.... I would not be alone in feeling this way. The longer you leave this situation as it is, the worse it will be. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I appreciate what you have to say Anne, but perhaps what kind of input I was looking for wasn't clear. My question is not whether or not I should tell her. We're still in the beginning of our relationship only peeking at two months and as I mentioned in my last post, I want to talk about it. Perhaps I should ask my question in another way: If you were going out with someone for about two months and see them on a weekly basis and he told you that he sometimes masturbates with his old friend when they hang out, how would you feel about that? I would dump them on the spot. But then again, this is exactly why I don't date bisexual men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 I understand you Eternal Sunshine, there are many women that are not OK with my being bisexual. That being said, I don't think it's OK to hide and suppress my sexuality for someone else, I'd rather be totally honest and from there would could talk about it. Anne, I understand that you've dealt with an affair by looking through threads you have posted, but I'm not married nor am I at all far into the relationship. If someone I dated felt that strongly about it this soon, I wouldn't want to date them anyway because she would most likely have insecurity and jealousy issues. I don't deal with drama very well. I'm trying to get a general array of thoughts and feeling on the subject to prepare myself for when I tell her, so please keep commenting! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 You don't have to be married for it to be considered cheating. Ask your girlfriend what she thinks instead of trying to justify yourself here by suggesting it would be your girlfriend's fault if she felt insecure. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Undoetunately, the way you see this situation is not how others see it. Perhaps, we are not as "open minded" as you. When you first date a girl (or boy), you should be honest about your sexuality and that you want an open relationship (that is what it is). I'm curious if you have no problem with your sexuality (which you shouldn't) why you are not upfront about it. If someone is not okay with either of these things, then they are not the one for you. For me personally, I would be pissed to find out all of this so late in the game. I think stuff like that is like marriage or kids. I would want to know upfront. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Have you talked about exclusivity? If not, you really should. She probably assumes that, by calling her your "girlfriend", you are only with her (and reasonably so). This should have come up with the bisexuality talk, mentioning that you still have a FWB. FWIW, I'm in the "I think it's kind of hot" category, and might not have a negative reaction IF I were told the full truth BEFORE being called the girlfriend. Another sex partner is a BIG issue, and she deserves disclosure before deciding if she wants to be your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I would dump them on the spot. But then again, this is exactly why I don't date bisexual men. After reading the OP these are the very same words that came to mind . Anyway OP, it's good that you were honest with your gf but you're really only half-assing it at this point. What's more troubling though is this: Knowing myself though, I wouldn't be happy with only being with a girl or only being with a guy,That's not your bisexuality talking, that's your greed - for lack of a better word. If you can't fathom being with one person or another than monogamy is not for you. Your bisexuality is not a free pass to engage in sexual acts with others whenever the mood strikes you. However, since you've made it clear that whether you should or shouldn't tell your girlfriend is not the question here, I'll answer the one you actually did posit in your OP. How would I feel? Disgusted and lied to, quite frankly. You were honest about your sexuality but not the extent. My disgust would have nothing to do with whom you were engaging in sexual acts with. It's no different than a guy telling his petite, a-cup brunette girlfriend that he's also really interested in curvy blondes with big breasts....and then having hot mutual masturbation sessions with his busty blonde neighbor behind his girlfriend's back. It doesn't matter if you're not interested in your gay "jerk bud" romantically, you're interested in him sexually and that's enough. In reality, how do you think she'd react should she walk in on one of your homoerotic masturbation sessions? The rightness or wrongness of your predicament should become clear to you once you ponder that. However, again I do applaud you for being open with your girlfriend insofar as you were because unfortunately, there are a lot of men out there who live in such a state of denial about their sexuality that they have various and sundry "jerk/suck off buds :rolleyes:" but call themselves completely "straight". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 This is definitely something that most women would want to know up front. I personally wouldn't choose a bisexual man for myself, and would be really unhappy if it came up after the relationship started. When I enter into a sexual relationship, it's not lightly and monogamy is fully expected. ( and discussed ) No is asking you to suppress your sexuality. It is selfish of you to think you get to have both at once. If that's what you want you need to make sure he /and or she understands that from the beginning. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 Hello everyone! I have a bit of an interesting situation so if anyone could weigh in what they think, that would be great! I'm a bisexual man with a girlfriend who I've told about my bisexuality (only those dearest to me know) and she is very accepting about it, to the point that she told me it's kind of hot. She's great and we're both very happy in the relationship, and the sex is great as well. I have a friend who is a gay man, and we're also jerk-off buds. He knows I'm happy in a relationship and we've never kissed or had oral or anal sex, but we do enjoy masturbating and cuddling. This works for me as it satisfies my need to be with a man without actually being with one, and he's a good friend that I trust. Is this weird? Thanks for your input on what you think or how you feel about this! Commit to one person, or at least make sure she is happy about the situation, otherwise you are betraying her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 11, 2014 Author Share Posted October 11, 2014 Thank you for your input everyone, it is skewed in the way I expected, but more than I thought it would be. Some accurate analogies have helped me see it from her viewpoint, as I think I may have been blinded by the more general openness of sexuality for gay men, what is seen as accepted or normal in that community, and what constitutes being unfaithful. What I considered a gray area (masturbating with a friend) is apparently a much darker shade than I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 I don't think you handle this any differently because you're bisexual. She knows you're bisexual. That's all the intimate detail she needs to know as long as you are both doing safe sex. I don't think I'd be graphic with her about masturbating or anything, but if she wants to know, tell her you are not having intercourse with him. Now you just need to be sure she knows you are not exclusive with her. You can tell her she is the only woman and that you consider her your girlfriend but that you have an old guy friend who is mainly a friend but occasionally a friend with benefits, but the benefit isn't intercourse, just messing around. Just be sure she doesn't think you two are exclusive. She may need to be exclusive, but you need to be honest. I was in this situation once and it didn't bother me much. I knew the guy I'd known for awhile but only dated two months was bi. I knew his bi roommate. In fact 30 years later, I'm still friends with his bi roommate. I didn't know for sure they were doing anything together however until I went to his home unannounced one night because a guy was following me home from a music bar, so I stopped to scare him off and not lead him to my apartment, and when I did, the two were together in the foldout sofa in the living room. I was momentarily shocked, but I wasn't really upset about it. I mean, we were not exclusive. I had a full social plate at the time as well. We didn't really talk about it, though decades later me and the friend laughed about it. He said they didn't know what to do: invite me to sleep over with them or what. I just stayed long enough to get the guy off my tail and went on home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11, 2014 Share Posted October 11, 2014 To answer your original question: I would be upset, betrayed and single again if my boyfriend told me he'd been masturbating with anyone else besides me. The gender of the other person would not make a difference to me - it would be a huge betrayal of my trust and not what I consider to be part of a healthy, exclusive relationship for me. I think your defensiveness results from the knowledge that your girlfriend probably won't be too happy to hear this. It is great that you were open with her about your bisexuality, but you're not being totally honest with her. Tell her what you've been doing. She has the right to know that her boyfriend is performing sexual acts outside the relationship. She can then decide if that's okay with her or if she needs to move on. Do not hide this from her any longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author adam12345 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Hello again, For anyone who might be following this thread, I have decided to lay down the law with my friend and we're no longer going to be jerk-off buds, just friends. In case anyone is wondering, I have only masturbated with him once since I started dating my girlfriend, and that was before she was officially my girlfriend (although we had already had sex). She's already been so accepting of my bisexuality that it's not fair to ask her to accept this as well. Any release I might need I'll have to get from porn or my imagination. Thanks for your input, everyone! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 That's nice. And you still get to keep your friend, too. I'm sure he'll understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I Think it's the not telling her and excluding her that is the problem. My wife has done the lesbian thing sometimes before we met. She still sometimes flirts with other women when we are out which I don't mind and actually quite enjoy if I'm honest. Once we ended up as a threesome with her friend. The thing is here that I am aware of it, there is no secrecy and I am not excluded from it. I don't know if women would have a different attitude to it. Also, I think one reason I am OK with it is that I see no threat to our relationship. she's not really bi, more like 80% straight and 20% gay so I'm not really concerned about her running off with another woman. Don't know if that helps, and you girlfriend might be ok with something like that since she seems fine with you being bi. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Hello again, For anyone who might be following this thread, I have decided to lay down the law with my friend and we're no longer going to be jerk-off buds, just friends. In case anyone is wondering, I have only masturbated with him once since I started dating my girlfriend, and that was before she was officially my girlfriend (although we had already had sex). She's already been so accepting of my bisexuality that it's not fair to ask her to accept this as well. Any release I might need I'll have to get from porn or my imagination. Thanks for your input, everyone! Doesn't matter whether you are straight, gay or bi-sexual, monogamy is monogamy no matter what sexual orientation you are. I'm glad you have accepted her expectation to be monogamous as she has accepted your bi-sexuality. I hope things work out for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 (edited) Knowing myself though, I wouldn't be happy with only being with a girl or only being with a guy, which would ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship. Being in a monogamous relationship means that you are sexual with only one person; such a monogamous relationship would also be termed exclusive, as it would exclude all others. If you are sexual with more than one person, regardless of if one is male and one is female, then the relationship is by definition not monogamous, and is open not exclusive. Thus you are looking for an open relationship with your girlfriend. Good luck with that. There's nothing romantic with my friend, it's just bros getting off and then we'll watch a movie or something. Stop playing word games by trying to claim that you "masturbating and cuddling" with your boy friend is not romantic, and is just "just bros getting off". You being "jerk-off buds" (your words) makes the relationship a sexual relationship. You "cuddling" with him (possibly when you watch a movie) would be considered romantic. You do not want an exclusive monogamous relationship with this woman or any other woman. Most women will consider you poor marriage material because of this. Just because this fact will severely limit you in the selection process, does not give you the right to not be honest with them up front about this fact. Edited October 12, 2014 by Try 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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