Sad how someone becomes divorced, they are unfriendly

[irc333]

There was this woman I knew through meetup as friend through other friends at the local Game Night events.

 

She met a decent guy there, we all knew him well, they married, which was great.

 

Unfortuanately and unexpectedly, she had divorced only a couple of years later. "Claimed" to say "He wasn't man I thought him to be."

 

2 years? That's one short marriage. It felt like only months ago I was looking at the wedding photos. During that time, we had great rapport, very friendly with me, etc.

 

Now that's she's back to being single, its as if I don't exist and the "rapport" that was once there vanished. She's rather short with me and it's like she's a complete different human being.

 

I had discovered her "singleness" when she, of course, starting joining Single's Meetup groups back-to-back. So it appears she's already on a mission to find someone else, so maybe that's it.

 

Of course, the obvious is, "Well, now that she's single again, she's going to be on the defensive once more."

 

Kind of sad, because it's cutting your nose off to spite your face, right? There just seems something rather inherently phony about the person.

[anne1707]

Maybe she feels you are judging her because her marriage ended so soon.

 

Or maybe she has distanced herself from you as she sees you as a friend of her ex (you knew him well whereas she was a friend of a friend).

 

Or maybe both of the above.

[GemmaUK]

It's simple enough.

 

She had no worries about being friends with you when she was with someone as she was safe in a relationship.

 

Now that she is single she will only want to be friendly with those she would be interested in dating or those she knows well enough who would not make the friendship awkward by reading more into it than there is.

 

She doesn't want to give you the wrong impression and for you to think she might be interested in you romantically.

[Tayla]

There was this woman I knew through meetup as

 

(Edited*****)

Kind of sad, because it's cutting your nose off to spite your face, right? There just seems something rather inherently phony about the person.

 

Nope, wrong analogy.

When transitioning thru the divorce stage...one revisits- their own sense of judgment of people. They sort and regroup so they can move on.

If what you perceive is cutting off her nose, I see it as her re-inventing herself for a more pleasant dating stance.

 

You seem quite observant of others and in doing so keep that level of "what is wrong with these people" alive and well . In what ways is pointing things out improving your sense of acceptance in others? I personally accept that you are the observant type with a bit of curiosity ....

[preraph]

It's simple enough.

 

She had no worries about being friends with you when she was with someone as she was safe in a relationship.

 

Now that she is single she will only want to be friendly with those she would be interested in dating or those she knows well enough who would not make the friendship awkward by reading more into it than there is.

 

She doesn't want to give you the wrong impression and for you to think she might be interested in you romantically.

 

That's exactly what's going on. I've said numerous times on this board that married women feel freer to be friendly to guys they wouldn't be interested in dating because the guys know they're married. Now she's single, any guy she's been friendly with who might be interested in her she's got to be careful to send the message to and not let them think it's going to be reciprocated.

[GemmaUK]

I wonder whether you have a bit of a rep for chatting up any newly available women in your OLD and meet up groups?

 

I've known of guys who actively look for 'fresh meat' and will try to chat up/date any new female on the scene.

 

It's like they have a 'new single female' radar and they go ahead and try to persue without gauging whether said female is interested in them or not.

 

IRL this scatter bomb approach gets a guy talked about in a not good way.

[irc333]

Most in my group aren't newly available. Online dating, well, that's a whole different world altogether.

 

 

I wonder whether you have a bit of a rep for chatting up any newly available women in your OLD and meet up groups?

 

I've known of guys who actively look for 'fresh meat' and will try to chat up/date any new female on the scene.

 

It's like they have a 'new single female' radar and they go ahead and try to persue without gauging whether said female is interested in them or not.

 

IRL this scatter bomb approach gets a guy talked about in a not good way.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm with Gemma on this one. She doesn't want you to think of her as a romantic prospect, at all.

[GemmaUK]

That's exactly what's going on. I've said numerous times on this board that married women feel freer to be friendly to guys they wouldn't be interested in dating because the guys know they're married. Now she's single, any guy she's been friendly with who might be interested in her she's got to be careful to send the message to and not let them think it's going to be reciprocated.

 

The thing is I have done this myself...so I get her thinking.

[GemmaUK]

Most in my group aren't newly available. Online dating, well, that's a whole different world altogether.

 

It is and it isn't.

 

When you sign up to OLD or reactivate your profile and add back photos you (as a woman anyway) get all the same guys mailing you as mailed you when you first joined.

It happens over and over and over.....ad infinitum...

 

Some of these guys also think that because they know 'of you' IRL that they have an 'in' or a bonus over and above anyone else who mails you and they mail you saying they know you from 'XYZ'.

 

If these women were interested in these guys the guy would already know it!

[xxoo]

The thing is I have done this myself...so I get her thinking.

 

I've done it, too. Not that I've divorced, but after marriage, I became much more friendly to single men I wouldn't want to date because I didn't need to worry about them asking me out.

[GemmaUK]

I've done it, too. Not that I've divorced, but after marriage, I became much more friendly to single men I wouldn't want to date because I didn't need to worry about them asking me out.

 

It's avoidance of possible awkward scenarios.

 

Human nature.

If someone is not of 'sexual interest' to you and you become single then you are much more aloof unless a real solid friendship is already there.

[irc333]

It is and it isn't.

 

When you sign up to OLD or reactivate your profile and add back photos you (as a woman anyway) get all the same guys mailing you as mailed you when you first joined.

It happens over and over and over.....ad infinitum...

 

Some of these guys also think that because they know 'of you' IRL that they have an 'in' or a bonus over and above anyone else who mails you and they mail you saying they know you from 'XYZ'.

 

If these women were interested in these guys the guy would already know it!

 

Well, that could be a different topic altogether consider this is telling of a rather finite amount of people in a geographic location. Kind of makes you wonder why these ladies even bother with the site or OLD if all they get are emails from the same men.

 

Anyhow, back to the "reputation" involving OLD, I'm not sure how it could have an impact on a man's reputation if a woman were to see these same men again after having take a break from it?

[serial muse]

There was this woman I knew through meetup as friend through other friends at the local Game Night events.

 

She met a decent guy there, we all knew him well, they married, which was great.

 

Unfortuanately and unexpectedly, she had divorced only a couple of years later. "Claimed" to say "He wasn't man I thought him to be."

 

2 years? That's one short marriage. It felt like only months ago I was looking at the wedding photos. During that time, we had great rapport, very friendly with me, etc.

 

Now that's she's back to being single, its as if I don't exist and the "rapport" that was once there vanished. She's rather short with me and it's like she's a complete different human being.

 

I had discovered her "singleness" when she, of course, starting joining Single's Meetup groups back-to-back. So it appears she's already on a mission to find someone else, so maybe that's it.

 

Of course, the obvious is, "Well, now that she's single again, she's going to be on the defensive once more."

 

Kind of sad, because it's cutting your nose off to spite your face, right? There just seems something rather inherently phony about the person.

 

So, straight up, irc: Were/Are you interested in her?

 

I suspect you are and she knows it and she's warning you off. Seems the most likely scenario.

[guest569]

Anyone who had been through a breakup or visited the break ups section will see all the "no contact" advice which is the best advice in getting over someone. Her behaviour seems quite normal and typical to me, and also very reasonable !! It becomes a bit awkward for the divorced and their families, to associate with mutual friends and in laws after the divorce because everyone is judging you and has made their mind up about you and the terms of the divorce. They probably don't want to talk about it constantly. Its sometimes for the best to cut ties (or in your words, cut your nose off). I come from a very broken family and its just a really tough situation.

[GemmaUK]

Well, that could be a different topic altogether consider this is telling of a rather finite amount of people in a geographic location. Kind of makes you wonder why these ladies even bother with the site or OLD if all they get are emails from the same men.

 

Anyhow, back to the "reputation" involving OLD, I'm not sure how it could have an impact on a man's reputation if a woman were to see these same men again after having take a break from it?

 

They bother because they are looking and different people join OLD sites all the time.

Generally though the first batch of mails that you get when you join or rejoin are from the same guys.

These same guys are the ones who also mail again and again even when you say you're not interested and they also do the same to all of the females in the area.

Then offline there's also certain guys who ask everyone out and when a new female comes on the scene you know she'll be next.

 

Perhaps these guys are lucky and are attracted to a whole load of different types of women but in that case you wonder why they are still single.

It looks like desperation though when there is no discernment in who they choose to approach.

[irc333]

Well, I know your post is getting a bit off topic, but I'll address this...Why return to the site if a woman knows the same men will always be there?

 

If all options have been exhausted, perhaps these women should leave online dating or....relocate.

 

I've been known to give a woman another email if they've been away and had come back (with different pictures) after a few months. Don't see how THAT would affect my reputation as a man.

 

Back on topic. Are you just saying that this is just a knee jerk reaction women have from previous experiences turning down/rejecting men in the past...this is just in general...that when a man who has no intention of asking her out nor has interest just says a peep to her and she's got the shields up involuntarily?

 

Oh, by the way, the woman I was just referring to showed up last night to the singles Meetup. She explained to me the whole situation with her divorce and what happened.

 

Guess she was cool with opening up to me. Just needed time to think about it I suppose.

 

 

They bother because they are looking and different people join OLD sites all the time.

Generally though the first batch of mails that you get when you join or rejoin are from the same guys.

These same guys are the ones who also mail again and again even when you say you're not interested and they also do the same to all of the females in the area.

Then offline there's also certain guys who ask everyone out and when a new female comes on the scene you know she'll be next.

 

Perhaps these guys are lucky and are attracted to a whole load of different types of women but in that case you wonder why they are still single.

It looks like desperation though when there is no discernment in who they choose to approach.

[GemmaUK]

Well, I know your post is getting a bit off topic, but I'll address this...Why return to the site if a woman knows the same men will always be there?

 

Fraid I had no choice in going off topic as your questions were off topic.

As I said before, people join OLD sites all the time so a woman will rejoin to see if any other guys have joined.

 

I've been known to give a woman another email if they've been away and had come back (with different pictures) after a few months. Don't see how THAT would affect my reputation as a man.

Why mail them again if they weren't interested the first time?

It gets to be a rep when the same guys mail everyone and anyone, same for men who ask everyone and anyone out.

 

Back on topic. Are you just saying that this is just a knee jerk reaction women have from previous experiences turning down/rejecting men in the past...this is just in general...that when a man who has no intention of asking her out nor has interest just says a peep to her and she's got the shields up involuntarily?

I have read this several times and don't understand it but I will try my best to reply.

When a woman is single she will be more discerning as to who she talks to/befriends as it can be misconstrued as romantic interest when in fact there is none.

 

Oh, by the way, the woman I was just referring to showed up last night to the singles Meetup. She explained to me the whole situation with her divorce and what happened.

 

Guess she was cool with opening up to me. Just needed time to think about it I suppose.

 

Cool! So I am guessing you no longer think she is phoney and now have no need to pass judgement on her two year marriage.

I hope she wasn't upset when you told her what you had been thinking of her when she wasn't being as chatty as she had been.

[irc333]

Fraid I had no choice in going off topic as your questions were off topic.

As I said before, people join OLD sites all the time so a woman will rejoin to see if any other guys have joined.

 

 

Why mail them again if they weren't interested the first time?

It gets to be a rep when the same guys mail everyone and anyone, same for men who ask everyone and anyone out.

 

 

I have read this several times and don't understand it but I will try my best to reply.

When a woman is single she will be more discerning as to who she talks to/befriends as it can be misconstrued as romantic interest when in fact there is none.

 

 

 

Cool! So I am guessing you no longer think she is phoney and now have no need to pass judgement on her two year marriage.

I hope she wasn't upset when you told her what you had been thinking of her when she wasn't being as chatty as she had been.

 

Oh, no I did not. I did mention I wasn't expecting her to show up, in fact, she didn't even RSVP, but I had mentioned in the past (in our chats) the new Meetup to her and she did join it.

 

Why mail them again if they weren't interested the first time?

It gets to be a rep when the same guys mail everyone and anyone, same for men who ask everyone and anyone out.

 

Doesn't mean they weren't interested the first time, chances are she gets tons of emails daily. Sometimes it's too much for them to handle. and sometimes following up upon their hiautus/return, they may get noticed.

 

I've had that happen before, sometimes emails get overlooked only to get a date with a woman that hadn't a chance to respond. It's been known to happen. Doesn't mean they weren't interested though. esp. if they did not reply.

 

Of course, there are those who use a disclaimer in their profile, "If I didn't respond, chances are I wasn't interested...so take a hint." I don't even bother with them initially. There's just some kind of axe to grind there. lol.

[xxoo]

Well, I know your post is getting a bit off topic, but I'll address this...Why return to the site if a woman knows the same men will always be there?

 

Because it isn't only the same men who are there.

 

It's like the flea market, where every week I go, I do see the same things I didn't want last week and the week before that. But I also see new things every week. I go to see the new things, not the old things.

 

Back on topic. Are you just saying that this is just a knee jerk reaction women have from previous experiences turning down/rejecting men in the past...this is just in general...that when a man who has no intention of asking her out nor has interest just says a peep to her and she's got the shields up involuntarily?

 

Yes, it is natural for anyone to pull back a bit if they are sensing romantic interest from someone and do not return the interest. Women are told time and time again that single men don't want to be "just friends", so it is prudent to assume a single man wants more than friendship if he approaches.

[irc333]

Because it isn't only the same men who are there.

 

It's like the flea market, where every week I go, I do see the same things I didn't want last week and the week before that. But I also see new things every week. I go to see the new things, not the old things.

 

 

 

Yes, it is natural for anyone to pull back a bit if they are sensing romantic interest from someone and do not return the interest. Women are told time and time again that single men don't want to be "just friends", so it is prudent to assume a single man wants more than friendship if he approaches.

 

What about building rapport? Since we're all in a Meetup, one may have to at least converse I suppose.

 

What I'm getting at is trying to let things happen organically, but I believe some people don't that in a society that purports instant gratification.

 

Recently, I've become more friends with women than anything, which I suppose is a good thing only because this allows a comfort level in the crowd.

 

I have a friend of mine that is "the life of the party" he doesn't approach women in a "dating" kind of way, but they gravitate to him because he's easy to get along with. He's had women come out and shoot guns with him on his property or he'd always get invited out by women to events.

 

Though, some my argue that he's "safe" to be around as he's disabled (missing an arm due to an accident). So I'm not sure if that has anything to do with it. He's always friends with women...and obviously fine with it being platonic.

 

I think he MAY have a love interest (recently separated woman) that hes' been spending a lot of one-on-one time with.

 

It's not a strategy of his, no agenda, just goes with the flow.

 

He makes women feel that he doesn't have an agenda like a lot of Meetup men intend to have...however, he claims its the other extreme of them just wanting to get in their pants.

[irc333]

It's like the flea market, where every week I go, I do see the same things I didn't want last week and the week before that. But I also see new things every week. I go to see the new things, not the old things.

 

Where I live, I figured why they even bother, esp. if they are whining about the lack of options in their dating profiles. I recommend they simply relocate.

[Imajerk17]

Where I live, I figured why they even bother, esp. if they are whining about the lack of options in their dating profiles. I recommend they simply relocate.

 

Aren't you seeing the irony here. Replace "in their profiles" in the above quoted with "by writing a thread a day on here" and you are doing the very same thing that the women in your dating pool that you keep writing about are doing.

 

I think you have gotten the very same advice yourself, to relocate.

Edited October 12, 2014 by Imajerk17

[irc333]

Aren't you seeing the irony here. Replace "in their profiles" in the above quoted with "by writing a thread a day on here" and you are doing the very same thing that the women in your dating pool that you keep writing about are doing.

 

I think you have gotten the very same advice yourself, to relocate.

 

I cannot simply relocate as I'm pretty much settled in a home and career here. It would be a bit extreme to pick up my roots, find a new home, sell the old one, etc, etc. for the soul purpose of finding a mate.

 

Then I'm sure you'll come back with, "I'm sure asking them to relocate would be just as unreasonable."

 

So, me and the said women are at an impasse, and thusly, they may have to make due with the finite options and at least give them a shot as oppose to being unrealistic in their expectations.

[xxoo]

So, me and the said women are at an impasse, and thusly, they may have to make due with the finite options and at least give them a shot as oppose to being unrealistic in their expectations.

 

It seems they'd prefer to be single.