Husband had an EA online -heading for divorce

[stargager76]

I would like to start by saying that I love my husband, I would have done anything for him. And I thought he would do the same. We have been married for 13 years. Its both of our 2nd marriages.. We have no children together.

 

I think as everyone else, we had so much fun in the beginning. Then...took on alot of responsbilities, ended up with so much work and financial strains and forgot to nurture our relationship. We started to grow apart apparently in his eyes. A woman from his past reached out to him and they begun an emotional affair online. Before I realized this, he approached me asking for a divorce. I was stunned/confused. I tried to understand, but he offered little explanation. Just the typical I love you, but not in love with you. We have a brother and sister relationship. We dont have anything in common. We are not soul mates. In my opinion, this is not true. We just need to take time for each other and connect more.

 

So, then I discovered he was having this affair. I was completely devastated. Still not able to comprehend that he was even capable of hurting me this way.... He denies it, and will not apologize or acknolodge it. I exposed the affair, told everyone about it.

 

We are working on separating. He lives in spare bedroom, we dont speak at all. If we end up in the same room at the same time by mistake, we ignore each other.

 

Our marriage wasn't so bad that it should have come to this. I wonder if I have acted to hasty by exposing the affair, which may have embarrassed him very much. I desperately want to try to fix this, and forgive him.

 

Should i try to reach out to him again and see if he will talk?

[whichwayisup]

He should have spoken to you about growing apart a long time ago. Instead of putting in efforts to reconnect, date and have fun outings again as a couple, he chose to look elsewhere and get close to someone else. Is this woman married as well?

 

If you feel you love him, then go to marriage counseling and see if your marriage is worth saving. He may not want to, time will tell.

[stargager76]

This is just such an unbelieveable mess... I know that he will not go to counseling. I have been by myself, but as you know there is only so much you can do. He cant seem to admit to what or why he has done this. Over the years he had assured me that he would never cheat on me. On top of that, i thought that we were special. Indestrucable I guess. How nieve or stupid I was.

 

I have done a background check on this woman....I am not able to determine if she is married at this moment, but it loks like she has been married at least 4 times.... she has other non responsbile things on her history as well.

 

Its quite humiliating that my husband would chouse this woman over me... Its devestating...

I have a good career, have supported him with the choices he has made. I feel that I have not nagged or anything like that. I just cant understand this...

 

I wish he would talk to me...apologize at least....

[CarrieT]

Why are you letting him stay in the spare bedroom? Kick him out...

 

Read about "The 180" and implement it immediately. The more you bed, cajole, ask for understanding or "to work on it," the more he will not want to.

[BetrayedH]

You did not act hastily by exposing the affair. Frankly, that was the natural consequence of your husband having an affair.

 

You should not "reach out to him" to talk about it. You should look up the 180 as Carrie advised and then implement it.

 

And you should not be talking about forgiveness when he hasn't yet even acknowledged the affair, let alone expressed true remorse. Don't put the cart before the horse.

 

What's happening with you is what happens with many betrayed spouses (and what happened with me). The affair feels like a personal rejection of us. It's a huge blow to the ego. But don't confuse your desire to repair your ego with your husband's actions being forgivable or with reconciliation. Accepting piss-poor treatment (like your husband having an affair, denying it, and leaving you) and trying to sweep it under the rug is only going to worsen your self-image. Your self-image has already taken a big blow. Don't make it worse by debasing yourself for some poor excuse for a husband. Even from a practical standpoint, it's not attractive. Frankly, you should be doing the opposite (which is the basic concept of the 180). Don't accept this kind of treatment, call it what it is, and stand up for yourself.

 

You do realize that HE is the one who made f*cked up choices here right? It wasn't you; it was him. Why should you be feeling like crap about yourself? Answer: you shouldn't.

[Joytherapy]

I would like to start by saying that I love my husband, I would have done anything for him. And I thought he would do the same. We have been married for 13 years. Its both of our 2nd marriages.. We have no children together.

 

I think as everyone else, we had so much fun in the beginning. Then...took on alot of responsbilities, ended up with so much work and financial strains and forgot to nurture our relationship. We started to grow apart apparently in his eyes. A woman from his past reached out to him and they begun an emotional affair online. Before I realized this, he approached me asking for a divorce. I was stunned/confused. I tried to understand, but he offered little explanation. Just the typical I love you, but not in love with you. We have a brother and sister relationship. We dont have anything in common. We are not soul mates. In my opinion, this is not true. We just need to take time for each other and connect more.

 

So, then I discovered he was having this affair. I was completely devastated. Still not able to comprehend that he was even capable of hurting me this way.... He denies it, and will not apologize or acknolodge it. I exposed the affair, told everyone about it.

 

We are working on separating. He lives in spare bedroom, we dont speak at all. If we end up in the same room at the same time by mistake, we ignore each other.

 

Our marriage wasn't so bad that it should have come to this. I wonder if I have acted to hasty by exposing the affair, which may have embarrassed him very much. I desperately want to try to fix this, and forgive him.

 

Should i try to reach out to him again and see if he will talk?

 

 

Forgive me, I am new here. My heart broke when I read what's going on, your situation will be in my thoughts & prayers. Hopefully eventually he will be open to counseling. Are you still seeing a counselor?

[TheBladeRunner]

He should have spoken to you about growing apart a long time ago. Instead of putting in efforts to reconnect, date and have fun outings again as a couple, he chose to look elsewhere and get close to someone else. Is this woman married as well?

 

If you feel you love him, then go to marriage counseling and see if your marriage is worth saving. He may not want to, time will tell.

 

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This is exactly what my XW did to me.....EXACTLY! Instead of talking to me, she chose to have numerous E/A's and one P/A. Reaching out to find out why may be very frustrating and a complete waste of time, I know it was and still would be for me. People that violate their vows and break promises will seldom give you the truth, IF you get the truth it may be years down the line. So sorry this happened tom you OP, many of us here on "the Shack" KNOW how hard and painful it can be.

 

His new fantasy princess won't be so great in less time than you think. Do what Carrie says and go full on 180. I hope you don't have kids, it makes it easier I think. I do and frankly, if I never spoke to her again that would be fine by me, but we have a child together.