Why is the direct approach recommended?

[Darren2013]

Okay obviously my ideas and theories about dating and relationships are considered unorthodox at least on this site.

 

The general consensus advice seems to be oversimplified in my opinion. Majority of members say if I am interested in a certain woman that I should just be direct and ask her out and don't "play games" or beat around the bush or don't try to hide my interest.

 

I personally feel that the direct approach can be boring and it spoils all the fun even if the woman does say yes she will go out with me. Then what's next? I gotta come up with a plan on where to take her for a date. Then what's next? I get through the first date and before too long the excitement and novelty wears off.

 

Everybody frowned upon my methods because they think it is childish or cowardly or whatever. I beg to differ. I think folks on this site have no sense of humor whatsoever and take life way too seriously. What's the point of living if you have to be serious all of the time? The direct approach to me is being too serious.

[Darren2013]

By the way the holidays are coming up soon. By Christmas time I will have a valid excuse for baking a chocolate cake for my crush. My game plan is to not make it so obvious that the cake is just for her but it will be under the umbrella of bringing it for the entire work crew for the holiday season. Something I have never done before anyway but I am starting it this holiday season.

 

My only hope is that my crush enjoys the cake so much that she partakes at least 70% of it while the rest of the work crew only gets 30%.

 

This way I can give a gift to my crush without it being too obvious. The holidays are a good excuse to do these subtle gestures.

 

By the way that reminds me that one of the things I have noticed about her change in recent behavior in the last month is that she is much more willing and eager for some reason to pick up a bunch of burgers for our work crew whereas before she said she wasn't going to do it anymore.

 

She asked me if I wanted a burger and I politely declined. Then each time after that when she would get burgers for our work crew she made it a point to ask all of them if they wanted a burger but did not ask me. She just pretended I didn't exist. So she asked everyone except me after I declined the first time she asked me.

 

So was she thinking the same way and trying to send a signal to me with the burgers as I am thinking of doing with baking a cake for the holidays? Maybe maybe not.

[Tayken]

Then what's next? I gotta come up with a plan on where to take her for a date. Then what's next? I get through the first date and before too long the excitement and novelty wears off

 

This right here shows your naivety and where you are going wrong in your assumption that the direct approach is boring. Dealing with someone either in your professional or personal life should always be direct.

 

You don't have to come up with the plan alone you see....you obviously missed the communication part here, which would have had you talking to the other party, asking for their input for the date.

 

Once you get through the first date, again you talk about what happens next. You never stop talking, the moment you do, that is when things start to get boring.

 

Everybody frowned upon my methods because they think it is childish

 

It is indeed completely and utterly just this, skin it whichever way you wish.

[Gloria25]

I think it's the "way" you go about your "indirect approach" is what baffles people...

 

Yes, it's normal to "check out" someone you may like or have an attraction to - until you're sure you wanna make a move...People do that all the time. They may ask their friends about so-and-so, they may even try to make friends to get to know them, etc. I mean women will be like "oh, he just wants to be my friend" or "he likes helping me with my books" and I'm like 'unless he's gay, he's trying to get close to you cuz he likes you dummy'.

 

But, from what you post here...seems like you just sit around and "observe" the person you're attracted to and concoct scenarios of what you think may or may not happen - without even taking steps to get to know the person.

 

Look, working with someone and/or being friends with someone is different from "dating" them. Shoot, "living" with someone is also different from dating and/or marrying someone.

 

How so? There's an attitude/mindset that comes with it. At work, I disclose and act certain ways cuz they're just co-workers. I may talk about embarrassing stuff like cramps and/or may not talk about certain things (i.e. my dating life) cuz you don't wanna tell people you work with certain things, but at the same time you have a lax attitude cuz you're not interested in dating them and/or having them as a friend.

 

Now, if a friend turns into a person you're gonna date, are you gonna dig your nose in front of them like you did when you were friends? Are you gonna talk about a hot guy you saw walking down the street?

 

My point being, if you are crushing on someone, and you don't let them know, you may only be getting to know a certain side of them, cuz duh, you are co-workers. They are not gonna be worried about getting to know more about you, and they probably might not put on cute perfume or prim up their hair to try to impress you.

 

So, all and all, yeah, checking out someone until you're sure to make a move is normal, but sitting around and making assumptions (especially how it's not gonna work) when you won't "date" them, IMO, isn't gonna get you anywhere.

[CaliGypsy]

In your case , it's because you seem to be playing games with her.

 

One day your baking her a cake or buying her ice cream . The next you won't eat lunch with with her.

 

If it was me? I wouldn't think you were fun and playful. I would wonder what the hell your game was that you kept blowing hot and cold .

 

Teasing and joking and flirting is great. If your end plan is to ask her out . You can't decide though and I'm guessing you are coming across exactly that way. Your choice Darren, you take a risk on someone you're crazy about. Or you respect your workplace boundaries and don't confuse the issue.

[Shepp]

Because you get an end result!

 

Your just sitting around till Christmas waiting to bake a cake with a big secret meaning that she probably wont even clock on to and before you know it two months will be gone and you'll still be sitting still! - way to waste your life dude! Life is so ridiculously precious, to be indirect is to take it for granted.

 

I read a quote the other day - even if your on the right track you'll still get run over eventual if you sit still.

[Mister Zen]

The direct approach is best because you know where you stand FAST and if the girl is not interested you can move on with your life FAST.

 

Whats the point in walking on eggshells only to be rejected ANYWAY. You might as well come out swinging and let the ships fall where they many. I think that's what some people can't grasp.

 

Not being direct is actually a form of manipulation. You are trying to control the outcome instead of just letting the girl make a decision.

[StanMusial]

As far as I can tell you're not taking ANY approach, whether it be direct, indirect or something in between. It's all in your head.

 

I get the feeling no matter what you do at this point it is going to come off as weird.

[Darren2013]

In your case , it's because you seem to be playing games with her.

 

One day your baking her a cake or buying her ice cream . The next you won't eat lunch with with her.

 

If it was me? I wouldn't think you were fun and playful. I would wonder what the hell your game was that you kept blowing hot and cold .

 

Teasing and joking and flirting is great. If your end plan is to ask her out . You can't decide though and I'm guessing you are coming across exactly that way. Your choice Darren, you take a risk on someone you're crazy about. Or you respect your workplace boundaries and don't confuse the issue.

 

 

Actually there has never been any flirting on my end.

[CaliGypsy]

You bought her the ice cream last year. Whether you think so or not, you've sent other signals.

 

She sounds like a nice woman ? Am I right ? I am just saying direct is the best way to get results. I'm not saying you have to beat her over the head and drag her back to your cave.

 

You I thought said the other day you had decided not to pursue her , now you want to bake her a cake. I'm just saying make a decision and work towards your goal , Darren.

[Darren2013]

You bought her the ice cream last year. Whether you think so or not, you've sent other signals.

 

She sounds like a nice woman ? Am I right ? I am just saying direct is the best way to get results. I'm not saying you have to beat her over the head and drag her back to your cave.

 

You I thought said the other day you had decided not to pursue her , now you want to bake her a cake. I'm just saying make a decision and work towards your goal , Darren.

 

Yeah it was Christmas time last year when I bought the ice cream so the occasion was appropriate for it. This year I am waiting for the appropriate occasion like Christmas holiday to do it. The only difference is that this year it is going to be less obvious of a signal because others are going to partake of the cake as well so that it doesn't look like I made it just because of her.

 

That doesn't count as flirting since even friends can buy each other cheap sweets during the holidays. She has bought me food like 6 months before I even first bought her ice cream and I declined it and said I am not hungry and won't eat it. So if my buying ice cream during a Christmas holiday season is considered flirting then so was her random act of buying me a burger 6 months before considered flirting too. Only difference is I did not accept it and told her to give the burger to someone else.

 

You can't apply one standard of flirting to someone and not the other. I have never flirted verbally. Never even gave her a compliment.

 

My goal is to not send out any signals until Christmas with the cake. Then after that no more signals for another 11 months. There will be no pursuit as far as initiating conversation beyond hi and bye in passing.

Edited October 13, 2014 by Darren2013

[Darren2013]

Because you get an end result!

 

Your just sitting around till Christmas waiting to bake a cake with a big secret meaning that she probably wont even clock on to and before you know it two months will be gone and you'll still be sitting still! - way to waste your life dude! Life is so ridiculously precious, to be indirect is to take it for granted.

 

I read a quote the other day - even if your on the right track you'll still get run over eventual if you sit still.

 

I don't consider it a waste of my time because I am not in that much of a hurry to go out with her. I don't care if it takes another year to reach my goal. By this time next year I will no longer be working at the same company as her. I may even move up my resignation date to 6 months from now because of some personal new developments in my life. If I felt desperate then I would not be willing to wait until Christmas to send out the next subtle signal.

[MissBee]

Okay obviously my ideas and theories about dating and relationships are considered unorthodox at least on this site.

 

The general consensus advice seems to be oversimplified in my opinion. Majority of members say if I am interested in a certain woman that I should just be direct and ask her out and don't "play games" or beat around the bush or don't try to hide my interest.

I personally feel that the direct approach can be boring and it spoils all the fun even if the woman does say yes she will go out with me. Then what's next? I gotta come up with a plan on where to take her for a date. Then what's next? I get through the first date and before too long the excitement and novelty wears off.

 

Everybody frowned upon my methods because they think it is childish or cowardly or whatever. I beg to differ. I think folks on this site have no sense of humor whatsoever and take life way too seriously. What's the point of living if you have to be serious all of the time? The direct approach to me is being too serious.

 

It seems all your reasons for avoiding the direct approach, like the bolded, are about you prefering the fantasy which is just stuff you imagine in your mind without ever doing anything in reality, which requires *gasp* actual planning, actually going out, actually doing things and not just thinking about them. I suppose the fantasy of an imagined crush might be better for some people than the reality and reality spoils the "novelty."

 

However, be clear that that's what it is and it isn't any kind of method. You are talking about NO APPROACH. It's not a "method", it's simply secretly lusting after someone and crushing on them and keeping it in your mind and talking about it on here but in real life they have no clue how you feel so are living their life totally oblivious to this while you think about them.

 

I'm not sure what exactly is so fun about that. It's not like you're talking about some kind of indirect approach that is still an approach. Your method is doing nothing at all and just thinking about the person. If you think that is preferable to the reality of getting to know someone then okay.

 

What is the ultimate purpose or goal for your so called indirect approach? At what point does it move from a fantasy solely in your mind to an actual shared experience where the object of your affection knows you like them and you can actually interact and maybe even become a couple? I guess I don't understand what the "fun" is in this or the ultimate point. It doesn't seem like a method, just a secret crush that only exists in your mind and built on reading into signals about cakes and burgers lmao...sorry it seems a bit absurd. It just reminds me of those creepy stalker people who get it into their minds that someone whom they've never met is in love with them based on 'signals" and they have a whole entire fantasy relationship going on in their mind with this other person who was in reality not sending them signals and isn't thinking about them at all.

Edited October 13, 2014 by MissBee

[Darren2013]

I also recall on 2 occasions back in 2012 when we would run into each other at the gas station which is just a 2-3 minute walk from the work building. She would offer to give me a ride back over to the building. I declined it politely because I figure it is only a 3 minute walk back to work so there's no reason to accept a ride in her car.

 

Has she ever given rides to anyone else from that gas station back to work? I haven't seen her do it in all my years working there so I don't know. Because I only liked her as a friend at that time I don't think about those offers regardless of what may or may not have been her intent behind them at the time. It is only now that my feelings have progressed do these things come back to rememberance.

 

I think the only reason she offered to give me a lift back to work at that time was because I was just finishing up cancer treatment and I was still in the process of getting my strength back.

 

Now if she had offered me a ride today when it is only a 3 minute walk back to work then would I still decline? Most likely I would decline because I wouldn't be sure what her intentions are. If it is just helping out a friend then no I wouldn't accept it. I don't accept any kind gestures from her unless I know for sure it is with romantic interest motivating it. No food, no meet up for coffee on breaks, nothing.

[Trane]

I get more satisfaction now when I cold approach a woman. My view is that I took the time to look my best and found the confidence to engage you. If I'm not cute enough or handsome enough to make you want to discover more about me.... oh well, the next woman just might take me on.

[MissBee]

I also recall on 2 occasions back in 2012 when we would run into each other at the gas station which is just a 2-3 minute walk from the work building. She would offer to give me a ride back over to the building. I declined it politely because I figure it is only a 3 minute walk back to work so there's no reason to accept a ride in her car.

 

Has she ever given rides to anyone else from that gas station back to work? I haven't seen her do it in all my years working there so I don't know. Because I only liked her as a friend at that time I don't think about those offers regardless of what may or may not have been her intent behind them at the time. It is only now that my feelings have progressed do these things come back to rememberance.

 

I think the only reason she offered to give me a lift back to work at that time was because I was just finishing up cancer treatment and I was still in the process of getting my strength back.

 

Now if she had offered me a ride today when it is only a 3 minute walk back to work then would I still decline? Most likely I would decline because I wouldn't be sure what her intentions are. If it is just helping out a friend then no I wouldn't accept it. I don't accept any kind gestures from her unless I know for sure it is with romantic interest motivating it. No food, no meet up for coffee on breaks, nothing.

 

This is very bizarre.

 

I'm not sure how you measure success, but tell us how this works for you.

 

Have you been in a relationship or dated before?

[Shepp]

I don't consider it a waste of my time because I am not in that much of a hurry to go out with her. I don't care if it takes another year to reach my goal.

 

And what if you don't get another year? Some folk would give there whole world for one more day!

 

You might not consider it a waste of time but most folk value time more than that hence why the direct approach is recommended and many won't be converted to the beating around the bush approach..

 

I know I would regret always waiting for tomorrow to start living!

[Shepp]

I also recall on 2 occasions back in 2012 when we would run into each other at the gas station which is just a 2-3 minute walk from the work building. She would offer to give me a ride back over to the building. I declined it politely because I figure it is only a 3 minute walk back to work so there's no reason to accept a ride in her car.

 

Now if she had offered me a ride today when it is only a 3 minute walk back to work then would I still decline? Most likely I would decline because I wouldn't be sure what her intentions are. If it is just helping out a friend then no I wouldn't accept it. I don't accept any kind gestures from her unless I know for sure it is with romantic interest motivating it. No food, no meet up for coffee on breaks, nothing.

 

If I worked with a women who refused a lift in my car, refused my offer of picking up food or coffee at breaks, and basically knocked back any attempt I made to be friendly I'd think she literally hated me!!

 

I sat in what some folk would call the friendzone for a fair while with my wife and I get why your trying to avoid that but... romance needs some sort of foundation to grow from. Surely someones got to have a reason to become romantically intrested, they have to like you in order to think that they might like dating you, bar basing it totally on looks which people are unlikely to do when they work together and have known each other a while. Do you ever even show her the real you or is it just all games? Would she think 'ah Darren, he's a solid guy' or 'ah Darren, barely know him'.

Even if you went on a first date with a stranger you'd have to start of being friendly with no idea wether they were feeling it romantically or not!