"Not ready to get married"

[Sarah]

Hi, I hope this is in the right forum, and that my post makes sense!

 

To give you some background, I have been with my fiance for around 6 years now. He proposed after we had been together for a year (so we have been engaged for around 5 years). We have been living together for around 4 years.

 

We got engaged with the intention of getting married within a couple of years, however, when we sat down to discuss where we would get married, we couldn't agree. He wants a big wedding in this country, with all his family there, and I want a small wedding abroad, with just close family (as I am shy and hate attention)! We agree on everything else - my fiance is pretty laid back about most things, but this is one issue where he won't budge.

 

For the past few years, we have bought the issue up every now and again, to see if either of us has changed our mind. A few months ago, we said we would discuss it again, and I heard my fiance telling his parents that we were going to see if we could compromise on where to get married.

 

This time, I decided that I would be willing to get married in this country, with more family members present than I had originally wanted. I told him this and said that we should sit down and make plans (e.g. a list of venues that would be suitable, etc). He told me to look up some venues, and said that we would make plans after we had moved house (in the near future). A few weeks after we had moved, I bought up the issue of making plans again. He again tried to delay making plans, and put me off by a week. I didn't think anything of it, and eventually, he said that we would sit down the next day and make plans.

 

I was really looking forward to making plans with my fiance, so it came as a major shock when he said that he didn't want to make plans, because he isn't ready to get married. I was really really upset (and still am). He doesn't see it as a broken engagement, but to me, being engaged is saying that you are ready to get married. I can't understand why he isn't ready to get married after being engaged for 5 years (and he was the one that proposed).

 

He told me this over a month ago now, and I still can't understand it. He has said that he definitely wants to marry me, but just not now. He has no idea of when he might be ready (he said he might not even be ready in a few years time). I can't understand how he is not ready to get married, but he knows he wants to marry me, and be with me forever. He can't explain it, and if I bring up the subject, he tells me to "get over it".

 

I am so upset, and would be so grateful if anyone could offer any advice/opinions. For almost 5 years I thought that I was with a guy who wanted to marry me, and that the only reason we weren't married was because we couldn't agree on where to get married. I don't know why I've posted this really, maybe I just need to rant because I haven't told any friends/family and need to get it out. I am so sorry for the long post, and I hope it makes some sense.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies. I probably won't be able to reply for a day or so.

[disconcertainly]

why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Ask yourself....are u doing everything married people do(not just sex)? I guess what i am trying to say id to him.....what would change if you got married? Why do the legal blah blah if thiings would still be same? It just a way out. I think you need to re think his intentions.

[oldfashion]

If you want to get married, just say it away. If he wants to wait, you have to know the fact that there is something wrong about it. My husband did the same to me and i told him that i would rather break up than waiting for him by wasting my time. If i were you, i would stay away from him for a while and make him understand that you are a part of his life. If he doesnt understand that, be sure that he does not love you enough to make a life with you. That was my opinion. Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can't understand why he isn't ready to get married after being engaged for 5 years (and he was the one that proposed).

 

Maybe during that time period, he decided that this was what he ultimately wanted from you: a committed, monogamous relationship with an eventual expiration date. Take a look at your engagement: did he propose to you out of the blue, or was he guided to do so by your hinting about it? Either way, he may have thought he wanted to do that at the time, but as time went by realized that while he was enjoying the relationship he had no intention of making it a permanent legally binding one that would be messy to get out of.

 

My advice? By the simple fact that you are sticking with it, is to him an unspoken consent on your part. You'll need to let him know that you are not happy with this situation, and he needs to be perfectly honest about why exactly he "isn't ready to be married".

 

Maybe one day he will be ready to be married. Hopefully that's the case, and he's just one of those people who wants to cover all his bases before he makes a final commitment. Maybe he's waiting until the marriage becomes more important to you both than the details and complications of planning it. Whatever the case, it would do well to ease your mind about it. Would couple's counseling work for you guys? Maybe that would help to air out some concerns you both may have about marriage and the ambivalence toward marriage.

[Sarah]

Thanks very much for all the replies so far, they have all given me things to think about.

 

We are doing everything that married people do (although we don't have children), so nothing would change if we got married, apart from the legal side. My fiance has even recently said that marriage won't make a difference anyway.

 

oldfashion, you must have been brave to tell your husband that - I'm glad it worked out for you . It would be difficult to stay away from him at the moment, due to my circumstances, but it's a good idea, and makes sense.

 

With regards to the engagement, he proposed out of the blue - I had no idea it was coming! I would understand this situation more if I had dropped hints about getting married, but I never mentioned it, so it was all down to him. After the engagement, he said that he wanted to get married within a couple of years, as there was no point in waiting.

 

If we hadn't got engaged at all, and he told me after 6 years of being together that he wasn't ready to get married, I wouldn't be so hurt.

 

I am also confused because throughout the years, he has brought up the idea that we should start making plans a number of times too (the last time was within the last year) - it hasn't just been me bringing the issue up.

 

He knows that I am unhappy about the situation - I have told him lots of times. He gets annoyed with me for bringing the issue up. I have said that I need to know exactly what he is feeling/thinking, and he just says that he can't tell me why exactly he isn't ready to get married, because he doesn't know himself. I have tried asking probing questions, and I have said that I just want the truth, even if I won't like it, but he tells me that he has nothing else to add - he just can't (or won't) put into words. I have told him that I feel like he is waiting to see if someone better comes along, and he gets angry and says that I am the only person he wants, and that he is happy with me and does want to marry me at some point in the future.

 

I suggested counselling, because I feel that it would really help us (well, it would help me in particular, as he doesn't seem to see any problem). My fiance didn't treat the idea seriously, because he really doesn't seem to understand why I am upset - he sees me upset, I have told him exactly why I am upset, but he doesn't think I should be upset.

 

I am sorry for waffling on! Thanks again for the replies .

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

but as time went by realized that while he was enjoying the relationship he had no intention of making it a permanent legally binding one that would be messy to get out of.

 

 

If you've been living together for 4 years, wouldn't that constitute a common-law marriage? I'm not sure how different U.S. laws are about this, but here in Canada it would be just as messy to end this type of relationship as a marriage separation.

 

On another note, you are also getting the milk for free, so why push it? What is it you want out of him that you don't already have besides a piece of paper?

 

If it's that important to you, I would suggest getting a better reason from him as to why he isn't ready. If it's not good enough for you then give him the ultimatum. Tell him that you won't live with him until you are married to him because that's the kind of relationship you want from him, is it not?

 

I don't believe there is a difference - exactly what will change tomorrow if you get married today?

[oldfashion]

Originally posted by mom-wife-cheater

 

 

I don't believe there is a difference - exactly what will change tomorrow if you get married today?

 

 

The feeling being a wife.. not a gf anymore..

[Sarah]

Hi again

 

mom-wife-cheater, with regards to your last question, I think that oldfashion has given a good answer. I don't want to go into all the reasons that I want to get married (I guess they are the same reasons that most people get married), but it would be lovely to be husband and wife, and to show the world that we are committed to each other.

 

I live in Europe, and where I live, you are either 'married' or 'single' - there's no inbetween. Even if we lived together for 50 years, we would still have no legal rights at all as a couple. People here celebrate wedding anniversaries, not years that they have been together. People will celebrate 25 years of being married, but they forget about the 5 years they might have spent together before getting married. Where there have been high profile cases of someone cheating when they were in a long-term relationship, many of the public have said that it wasn't really 'cheating', because the couple weren't married anyway. We want children in the future, and being married would make the legal side of that easier too.

 

I don't believe that marriage will change anything between us, and I don't want it to, but it seems that deep down, my fiance believes that it will change something, and that is what's worrying him. Marriage is important to me, and since this coming out, for as long as he isn't ready to get married, I will feel that he isn't really as committed to me/as sure about his feelings for me as he makes out.

 

An ultimatum is a good idea, but I couldn't afford to live in this area on my own, and he knows that. My family live hundreds of miles away, so I couldn't stay with them either.

[Donut]

I hate to say it, and I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like he's stringing you along.

 

If he won't go to counselling with you, go on your own to get clarity on the situation.

 

I would suggest moving out or giving him a time limit for marriage, but only you know what's right for you. If you do either of these things tho, you must stick to it! If you cave in and stay with him anyway, he'll just take you for granted.

 

All I know is, if he loves you completely he should be chomping at the bit to call you his wife!

[Cecelius]

How old is he? What's his relationship history like before you? Are his parents divorced? Are yours?

 

As to common law marriage, in the few US states that even have it anymore, it's usually 7 years plus actions intentionally taken by the couple to hold themselves out as husband and wife (using the same name, telling people you're married). Cohabitation alone and even property owning aren't part of it.

[oldfashion]

Originally posted by Donut

I hate to say it, and I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like he's stringing you along.

 

If he won't go to counselling with you, go on your own to get clarity on the situation.

 

I would suggest moving out or giving him a time limit for marriage, but only you know what's right for you. If you do either of these things tho, you must stick to it! If you cave in and stay with him anyway, he'll just take you for granted.

 

All I know is, if he loves you completely he should be chomping at the bit to call you his wife!

 

 

I agree

[N/A]

Of course you do .. take if off, see if he notices, if he says something, you say, well how you feel about me not wearing the ring is how I feel about our 6 year long engement/and still engaged - not married like we should be by now.

 

If you receive no feelings from him on this, well then ... take the ring off for good.

 

The cow and the milk thing is falling into place.

 

He has it all now, why legally bind you? I would flush the E-ring.. but that is just silly ol me! hehe!

[Mr Spock]

He's changed his mind about spending the rest of his life with you.

[Sarah]

Thanks so much for all the honest opinions and advice. It has really helped to hear other people's opinions on the matter, and I will give all the advice a lot of thought, before deciding what to do.

 

Cecelius - to answer your questions -

1) he is in his late twenties

2) he has had no serious/long-term relationships before me (I have asked if he feels like he has missed out on being with other people, but he denies this, and says that he would be happy to stay with me forever, and that he doesn't want anyone else).

3) Both our parents have been happily married for years and years.

[oldfashion]

Sarah,

 

I am an European as well and marriage has been been very important to me.

 

Looking forward to hear your good news.

 

Best Wishes.

[Sarah]

Thank you, oldfashion. And congratulations on your marriage (I've just seen your thread) .

[Cecelius]

As a gut reaction, I think he is enjoying being engaged to you and generally being with you but is too afraid of the final plunge. I had thought he may fear divorce (if he parents were) or that he might fear marriage (if his parents are not happy -- perhaps he has fears about how permanance changes things), etc.

 

But in the end, I think its because he's still young enough to try to avoid it and because you are his first long term relationship. Would you say that he has an abnormal dating history for a man (meaning, did he date very little, was he not good with girls, etc.)? He may fear becoming an old man as soon as he gets married.

 

The thing that is odd is that he won't talk about it since this is his issue, frankly.

[Sarah]

Originally posted by Cecelius

As a gut reaction, I think he is enjoying being engaged to you and generally being with you but is too afraid of the final plunge.

 

I hope that this is true. I wish he would tell me what he is afraid of though (i.e. what the final plunge will actually change/mean for him).

 

But in the end, I think its because he's still young enough to try to avoid it and because you are his first long term relationship. Would you say that he has an abnormal dating history for a man (meaning, did he date very little, was he not good with girls, etc.)? He may fear becoming an old man as soon as he gets married.

 

I suppose he did date less than the average man, before he met me, but he's the type of guy that wouldn't go out with a girl unless he was serious about her. I guess he never met anyone that he saw a future with, before meeting me. I was the same though. As for 'was he good with girls', well I can't really answer that, because I only knew him for a short time before we got together, and he didn't see any girls during that time. He was great with me from the start, though. He had lots of close girl 'friends' (and still does), and got on great with them, but never saw them as anything more than just friends.

 

I wouldn't say that his dating history is abnormal, as he was enjoying having fun with his friends (as he still does), while he waited for the right person to come along - I don't think that he ever wanted to get into a relationship for the sake of it. His friends were much the same.

 

He shouldn't fear becoming an old man as soon as he gets married, because we are friends with couples who are married (they are the same age as us), and they don't seem any different to us - they go out just as much, etc.

 

The thing that is odd is that he won't talk about it since this is his issue, frankly.

 

I agree.

 

It's not like him at all. He talks openly about everything else, and is generally a great communicator. He says there's nothing to talk about, and that he doesn't know any more than I know, but I can't believe that. He can't just think "I'm not ready to get married" - there must be something more specific that he doesn't feel ready for, but he just won't admit to it. And I don't think it's fair that he's making me feel like I'm the one with the problem.

 

Anyway, sorry for waffling on, and thanks very much for your reply, Cecelius.