Sunny123321 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Hi all, I moved to US 4 months ago. I am renting a combo with a guy, who lived in there for a year already. He is from US, I am from Turkey. So the thing is he says he likes me,that I am pretty and etc., we cuddle a lot, kiss and etc. However he has his ex girlfriend and they do still keep in touch. Once per week he goes to her place and spends the night with her. When I asked him if they are in a relationship he said :"no, I dont have a gf. She does whatever she wants, I do whatever I wanna". Yet he keeps flirting with me and etc. So I do not know what I should do and what should I think, I like him a lot. But he doesnt say anything about us ...so please do advise smth Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Sounds to me like he's playing the field…meaning that he will have insignificant relationships with as many women as he wants to, but he will not have a significant relationship with any of them. That is, until he meets one that he feels he likes enough to be exclusive with. If you are not comfortable with this type of an arrangement you just need to be honest with him. Tell him that you are interested in him, but you are not the type of woman who is comfortable being in anything other than a monogamous relationship, so if he is going to continue to see his ex-girlfriend once per week or any other girls, the affection between the two of you needs to stop and you need to simply be roommates. Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 He wants FWB... no connection, just comes and goes as he pleases with you and his ex. Sounds like you have a good arrangement, unless you want something else? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 He wants FWB... no connection, just comes and goes as he pleases with you and his ex. Exactly this ^ The question is "what do YOU want?" If you're okay with a casual arrangement of sharing him, fine. But if you desire more, don't let your infatuation disempower you. My sense is you want an exclusive relationship. Is that true? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Exactly this ^ The question is "what do YOU want?" If you're okay with a casual arrangement of sharing him, fine. But if you desire more, don't let your infatuation disempower you. My sense is you want an exclusive relationship. Is that true? yes, that is true. I have never been in such kind of situations. Usually when guy told me he likes me he went for it and it ended with a relationship. In here I was like "am I getting something wrong or this is all is normal in here and cos menthalities are different I dont get it". On the other hand I just think what if I tell him honestly what I think about all this and he will stop talking to me at all? Do you think i have a chance of losin friendship too...? Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 yes, that is true. I have never been in such kind of situations. Usually when guy told me he likes me he went for it and it ended with a relationship. In here I was like "am I getting something wrong or this is all is normal in here and cos menthalities are different I dont get it". On the other hand I just think what if I tell him honestly what I think about all this and he will stop talking to me at all? Do you think i have a chance of losin friendship too...? If he's an ass, yes you chance losing the friendship. But alternatively, would you want to keep sleeping with an ass? And really, a lot depends on what you say when you approach him. Do you want advice on that? Again, keep sight of what YOU want. Not all Americans believe in FWB arrangements. Don't feel like this is how it works here as a whole. If you want an exclusive relationship, you can find it elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 If he's an ass, yes you chance losing the friendship. But alternatively, would you want to keep sleeping with an ass? And really, a lot depends on what you say when you approach him. Do you want advice on that? yes! i would be happy to get an advice cos I can screw it up by myself Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 yes! i would be happy to get an advice cos I can screw it up by myself Okay. To be clear, this isn't about trying to manipulate him into a relationship. It's about what's true for you. So, change this as need be, to reflect how you really feel. Wait for a time when you're both home and not being sexual. Don't bring it up when you're both pressed for time. Think about saying something like, "(whatever his name is), I wanted to talk about what's been going on between us. Because it was fun at first but I know you're still seeing your ex, and that makes me feel uncomfortable. If you plan to keep seeing her, that's fine. I just need to know. This isn't something I am used to. I see people one at a time. It would be better for our friendship if things were more clear. If you want to multi date, that's ok. But let's just go back to being friends. That would be better for me--and better for keeping our friendship." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 Welcome to the US, and welcome to the term(s) FWB/FB.... I'm curious, did you rent the place before or after you two started making out and stuff? I mean, IMO, moving in with a guy you're seeing - whether it's serious or not - is too dicey. If it's not serious, you gotta watch him go out with and/or even bring over other women. And, cuz you guys live together, it might come up in convo...If I am seeing someone casually, last thing I wanna hear about is their wife or gf (good or bad). And, if it was serious, statistics show "shacking up with someone" may end up in divorce - even if the couple eventually marries. Why? cuz the purpose of shacking up is to get all the perks (regular sex, a maid, a cook) w/o the commitment. And, then there's the commingling of finances. I mean, when you shack up, you are buying things together and sharing the bills, w/o the protection that a marriage would have, so when the RL sours they run to Judge Judy and she's like 'I didn't go to law school to do this'. So, IMO, I think you or him needs to move out and probably rent a place with some people you're not attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 yes, that is true. I have never been in such kind of situations. Usually when guy told me he likes me he went for it and it ended with a relationship. In here I was like "am I getting something wrong or this is all is normal in here and cos menthalities are different I dont get it". On the other hand I just think what if I tell him honestly what I think about all this and he will stop talking to me at all? Do you think i have a chance of losin friendship too...? Younger American guys don't draw lines between relationships well. It tends to make everything fuzzy and confusing at first. Just don't sleep with the guy and make it clear you want something mutually exclusive. He he just wants to play then eventually he will move on to something else. However, you seem like a nice woman... chances are he will grow more attached to you the better he knows you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Welcome to the US, and welcome to the term(s) FWB/FB.... I'm curious, did you rent the place before or after you two started making out and stuff? I mean, IMO, moving in with a guy you're seeing - whether it's serious or not - is too dicey. If it's not serious, you gotta watch him go out with and/or even bring over other women. And, cuz you guys live together, it might come up in convo...If I am seeing someone casually, last thing I wanna hear about is their wife or gf (good or bad). And, if it was serious, statistics show "shacking up with someone" may end up in divorce - even if the couple eventually marries. Why? cuz the purpose of shacking up is to get all the perks (regular sex, a maid, a cook) w/o the commitment. And, then there's the commingling of finances. I mean, when you shack up, you are buying things together and sharing the bills, w/o the protection that a marriage would have, so when the RL sours they run to Judge Judy and she's like 'I didn't go to law school to do this'. So, IMO, I think you or him needs to move out and probably rent a place with some people you're not attracted to. I see what you mean. But I think I did not explain it well. We do have a landlady she owns this huge apartment. She lives with us; me and him rent a room in there. Before I moved in , he has already been living in there. And when we started this flirting stuff I told him not to tell anything to landlady. He was like "why? she doesnt care" (And I know she does) and I told him "Nothin serious goin on , no need for her to know". and frankly saying I told him once "Wth are we doing? one day you are with me, then you are not at home for days". and he told me "Hold on! are we in a relationship you mean?" but he sounded so surprised that I did not say him what I think... Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I see what you mean. But I think I did not explain it well. We do have a landlady she owns this huge apartment. She lives with us; me and him rent a room in there. Before I moved in , he has already been living in there. And when we started this flirting stuff I told him not to tell anything to landlady. He was like "why? she doesnt care" (And I know she does) and I told him "Nothin serious goin on , no need for her to know". and frankly saying I told him once "Wth are we doing? one day you are with me, then you are not at home for days". and he told me "Hold on! are we in a relationship you mean?" but he sounded so surprised that I did not say him what I think... Well, I think what needs to happen here (and in your future RLs) is communication cuz while FB/FWBs and shack-ups are common place here in the US, IMO, there's still confusion as to what it means to the person you are involved with. Cuz, while he said you two are in a RL, then "what" kind of RL is it? I believe that by the 3rd date and/or before sex happens the "talk" should happen...and, it is a simple talk. The talk is "What are you dating for?", cuz IMO, it's either marriage or companionship. I'm not saying they want to marry "you" per se, what I mean is that when they are dating, they are not just spending time with you, they are also evaluating you to see if you're marriage material. So, if they tell you they want companionship and aren't ready to settle, then you gotta make up your mind to see what kind of companionship they are looking for (i.e. FB, FWB, casual). But still, if the "rooms" you two rent have shared things (i.e. shared bathroom, kitchen, living room) then still, I think it's time to move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 The funny part is I came back from movies, and he s lying with his ex and watching tv. she s drunk tho, but still someone kill me pls Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 The funny part is I came back from movies, and he s lying with his ex and watching tv. she s drunk tho, but still someone kill me pls I just so happened to stumble on this as I was up way too late. It looks like you are realizing what you want is what you will not have. I was hopping you'd find out before this happened. You do not need someone to murder you... Kill you with kindness maybe... but I think you had fair warning, so this should not have been too much of a shock. Temporary death, after a week if your still feeling like a zombie, then we may have to put you down with an arrow through the head. Nope, I meant you'll be wearing bunny ears and a fake arrow through the head. Hehehehehe!!! Cripes! She does not know Steve Martin. I am way too old for this. *sigh* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 I just so happened to stumble on this as I was up way too late. It looks like you are realizing what you want is what you will not have. I was hopping you'd find out before this happened. You do not need someone to murder you... Kill you with kindness maybe... but I think you had fair warning, so this should not have been too much of a shock. Temporary death, after a week if your still feeling like a zombie, then we may have to put you down with an arrow through the head. Nope, I meant you'll be wearing bunny ears and a fake arrow through the head. Hehehehehe!!! Cripes! She does not know Steve Martin. I am way too old for this. *sigh* I was not surprise to see them. I was like "urgh..i wish i was her" Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 I was not surprise to see them. I was like "urgh..i wish i was her" No you don't... all drunk and laid out on the floor. Have higher standards than that. Sure you have a crush, but there are many many more available and will do you better. No I did not say have their naughty ways with you while you're drunk... well maybe so, only after you had yours with them and sober to boot! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 No you don't... all drunk and laid out on the floor. Have higher standards than that. Sure you have a crush, but there are many many more available and will do you better. No I did not say have their naughty ways with you while you're drunk... well maybe so, only after you had yours with them and sober to boot! MWHAHAHAHAHA!!! you are right I worth smth better Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 He seems like a cool guy. If it doesn't work out, one thing US women like to do is to go down to the prison yard to find a date. Just a tip, you can keep that stashed in your back pocket for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 He seems like a cool guy. If it doesn't work out, one thing US women like to do is to go down to the prison yard to find a date. Just a tip, you can keep that stashed in your back pocket for now. Come on.. Dont make fun of me Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 So, Sunny, do you still plan to talk with him? Get things sorted out? I hope you do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 So, Sunny, do you still plan to talk with him? Get things sorted out? I hope you do. oh yeah! i definitely do! i am just waiting for him to suggest to cuddle and stuff, and then I will tell him "no man, it wont work ". 'cos if i say him that out of sudden he might tell "i m not suggestin anythin anymore. why did u open this topic". so I am just waiting so far Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted October 13, 2014 Share Posted October 13, 2014 oh yeah! i definitely do! i am just waiting for him to suggest to cuddle and stuff, and then I will tell him "no man, it wont work ". 'cos if i say him that out of sudden he might tell "i m not suggestin anythin anymore. why did u open this topic". so I am just waiting so far *nods head* I'm hearing you on this. Good for you! Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunny123321 Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 *nods head* I'm hearing you on this. Good for you! Stay strong! Today he was talking to a landlady, and she asked if he will ask her to go to California with him ( as he is leaving for winter to there ; his parents live there). and he said "yeah i will, but i dont think she ll come". I figured and settled all out to me! I think all is pretty obvious. Thanks for supporting me and giving advices. When I talk to him I will post his reply in here Link to post Share on other sites
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