Marrying my MM; still dealing with the fallout

[jaseykewsey]

Hi everyone. I really just need someone to talk to to get off my chest how I am feeling. I am in a long term relationship 6.5years engaged to be married. My fiance is quite a bit older than me with 3 children from his former marriage. They have so far refused to meet me because I was involved in breaking up the former relationship...we were having an A. He ended his marriage about 4 years ago and after a year of turmoil we were solid. It has NOT been easy. Already I have had to deal with so much judgment and guilt in my life.

 

I met 2 of his children today. They were very cold. I understand why, and I wish I would not take it personally, but the truth is I am so tired of feeling judged and hated. My self esteem is very low and I feel like it's hard to build myself back up to a healthy place when there is adversity everywhere. Also I feel like the challenge of my fiance's children is insurmountable and overwhelming. I don't want to meet them again because I don't want to feel this way again. But then i know that just perpetuates what is a hard situation for my fiance.

 

Anyway, right now I feel very low. I have been crying a lot this afternoon and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I feel pretty isolated. One aspect of the age difference is that our friendships are different than most couple's friendships; it's not like we hang out in a group of people all of a similar age so it is a little hard to form and build close friendships -

 

I am living away from my home town (moved to be with him). So. That's my story; that is what I am dealing with.

Edited October 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SunshineToday]

Sorry you are so down. The problem with having an affair before a divorce is the children. They will probably never accept you.

 

Your MM may be able to deal with this isolation from his children for a while, but eventually it's going to continue to be a source of friction. It's easier to deal with in the beginning before it starts to wear on your relationship.

 

There is really not much you can do but ride it out and hope their feelings soften towards you in time. It's a crap shoot.

[couchcushion]

They will probably never accept you.

 

 

I don't necessarily agree. How old are the children right now? As they age and gain life experience, some or all of them may come around.

 

Good luck.

[jaseykewsey]

His children are pretty close in age to me. They are all in their twenties. The 2 I met today are about 24 and 26.

 

To clarify - HE is not isolated from them; he sees them all the time and is close with them. But they do not accept me.

[goodyblue]

I thought my guy's kids would NEVER come around, but they have. Thing is, you can't make it happen, only they can. You just have to wait and hope. Also, your fiance' should demand that they are respectful and kind. Don't let them ruin your relationship. Just make sure you don't give them any ammo.

 

Be good to yourself.

[Lovelysweet2]

If the children have a close bond with their mother, it will be an uphill battle to gain acceptance. They may never respect you. If the affair was not discovered and you were daddy's girlfriend and not daddy's mistress, they may be more accepting. You have to understand it through their eyes. I hope it works out. Take care of yourself and the foreseeable stresses.

[jaseykewsey]

Thanks for your responses everyone. It makes me feel a bit better to talk to people who understand.

 

MM outed us re the A - he wanted to come clean and be honest.

 

I do see it through their eyes. Of course I understand why they hate me.

 

Sometimes I wish MM would tell them that they are disrespecting him by disrespecting me - after all these years. But, I have to try to let him handle his own family the way he thinks best.

 

I think the only thing I can do is as you have said....wait for them to come around.

 

In the meantime I'm not putting myself in the situation again of seeing them when they still aren't actually ready to accept me. It's too upsetting. I really feel like I have done my penance and been sufficiently judged by vast numbers of people...I am ready to move on now and live a normal life. I can't see any advantage to anyone by attending further meetings with his children only so that they can give me dirty looks and not speak to me. it sends me straight back to feeling like the lowest form of trash. After feeling like that for several years i feel like it's really done some damage. I want to be confident again and feel good about who I am.

[Sub]

I wouldn't wait for them to come around. They're adults, and of similar age to you. Their father can't make them do anything, and they don't have to accept you. I'm not trying to sound harsh. Just saying, focus on your relationship with your future H. Their feelings are beyond your, and your fiance's, control.

[No Limit]

Also, your fiance' should demand that they are respectful and kind.

 

Oh boy, if my mother hadn't had the strength to divorce my father and he'd be the type to stick around and then demand I like his GFs... I'd go to court myself as a 6 year old with my teddy in hand and ask them if I could just stay with mommy forever.

 

OP, don't force anything on anyone. Just be normal. If they will like you they'll show it, if not, well, they'll show that too.

And, please don't take this the wrong way, right now the kids will be glad if there are no more meetings as well. I think you should rather tell your MM to leave them be. He knew how his family would react, he can't force them to like it.

Edited October 12, 2014 by No Limit

[goodyblue]

Oh boy, if my mother hadn't had the strength to divorce my father and he'd be the type to stick around and then demand I like his GFs... I'd go to court myself as a 6 year old with my teddy in hand and ask them if I could just stay with mommy forever.

 

OP, don't force anything on anyone. Just be normal. If they will like you they'll show it, if not, well, they'll show that too.

And, please don't take this the wrong way, right now the kids will be glad if there are no more meetings as well. I think you should rather tell your MM to leave them be. He knew how his family would react, he can't force them to like it.

 

I was not suggesting OP force a relationship. I was saying that if she should end up in the same place with his.children, they should be respectful and kind. If for no.other reason than he has chosen OP and they should respect that. By giving OP dirty looks and acting like children SIX YEARS after the divorce, they.Are disrespecting not only OP but their father.

[eye of the storm]

My ExH is no longer with the woman he left me for. My kids were older teens at the time. He tried for over a year to get them to accept her as the love of his life...my son was polite to her, my daughter still to this day (years later) hates this woman and probably always will. And she showed it. My son is glad he no longer has to pretend he is fine with it. My son only pretended to be nice for his dad. But it did affect their relationship. My daughter's relationship will hopefully one day improve with her dad.

 

If your fiancé tries to force them to be other than polite they will throw up walls that may never come down.

 

You are dealing with the fallout of yours and his behavior. You are, understandably, tired of it after 6.5 years. What you don't understand is they are also still dealing with the same fallout. Only it wasn't their fault.

 

I hope it gets better for all of you.

[solostand]

If it makes you feel any better, my own son went an entire year without speaking to me, so its not just OW that get shut out.

 

But here's some solid advice: My marriage ended when my son was three. I got into a new relationship and it took my six year old son a very long time to like him or even tolerate him. He kept begging me to go back to his Daddy. Eventually my son learned to love this man and now, he is a second father to him and treats him like his own son, (even though we are no longer together). This is good, because my son's real father died at age 47.

[lollipopspot]

His children are pretty close in age to me. They are all in their twenties. The 2 I met today are about 24 and 26.

 

To clarify - HE is not isolated from them; he sees them all the time and is close with them. But they do not accept me.

 

Another woman helped to break up my parents' marriage, and my dad ended up with her. I didn't much like her, but she was always a jerk to his kids, so she brought that on herself. I probably could have liked her o.k. if she ever tried to be nice.

 

However, regardless of the situation it would probably have been hard for me to accept my father dating a woman my own age. Sometimes it's true love, a lot of times there are issues with it (it gives the stench of a sex/money transaction), so that's an uphill battle with his kids.

[HermioneG]

Oh boy, if my mother hadn't had the strength to divorce my father and he'd be the type to stick around and then demand I like his GFs... I'd go to court myself as a 6 year old with my teddy in hand and ask them if I could just stay with mommy forever.

 

OP, don't force anything on anyone. Just be normal. If they will like you they'll show it, if not, well, they'll show that too.

And, please don't take this the wrong way, right now the kids will be glad if there are no more meetings as well. I think you should rather tell your MM to leave them be. He knew how his family would react, he can't force them to like it.

 

Yes. Respect is earned, not demanded.

[xxoo]

His children are pretty close in age to me. They are all in their twenties. The 2 I met today are about 24 and 26.

 

To clarify - HE is not isolated from them; he sees them all the time and is close with them. But they do not accept me.

 

Doing some quick math, that would mean that both you and his kids were late teens when the affair started. That's going it make it doubly difficult to overcome.

 

As it is now, you are all adults. If you want this relationship that much, you may have to accept that his adult children don't want to be part of it.

 

Do you plan to have children with him?

[SummerDreams]

In my opinion it's not your obligation to make a good impression to his kids and make them like you. They are adults and they should know by now that their parents did not break up exclusively due to another woman (you) but cause their relationship was not strong enough to hold through an affair. Nonetheless you have no responsibility and you shouldn't let this influence your mood. It's your H's job to treat his kids however he wants and teach them some respect for his choices.

 

Other than that I think I feel some kind of dissatisfaction by you cause of your age difference, am I wrong?

[jaseykewsey]

You are dealing with the fallout of yours and his behavior. You are, understandably, tired of it after 6.5 years. What you don't understand is they are also still dealing with the same fallout. Only it wasn't their fault..

 

I'm not sure about this. They are adults living out of home. Their mother has moved on with a new guy and is happy. Their father has proved beyond all doubt that he loves them and will be there for them and has supported them emotionally and financially whenever anything has happened in their lives. Of course the breakup affected them and I don't meant to downplay how significant that effect must have been, but now, 4 years after the breakup, I disagree that they are still dealing with the fallout of the breakup. Rather in my view they are perpetuating the fallout.

 

Another thing I agree with - disrespecting me to my face when we are together as with yesterday is disrespecting their father. I don't think it should be too much to ask for them to be polite and kind on the rare occasion we did have to be around each other. I have to say my dad never would have let me get away with being disrespectful to his partner, whether it was my mother or someone else.

 

But, all of that said, I guess it is very hard for them to put their feelings to one side and pretend they didn't have those feelings. I can understand that too. It's definitely not worth it to me to have to be in that situation, so looks like the best realistic outcome for the moment is to go back to no contact between me and them. You guys are right - they will prefer this too.

[Lovelysweet2]

I hope things become peaceful. They may be perpetuating the fall out, but it is their right to do so if they choose to. They may also find it creepy their father is copulating with somebody closer in age to themselves. I am sure, vice verse, if their mother was getting on with her life with a boy 20 years of age, they would feel equally turned off.

NC may be the best option.

They may also come around and accept it eventually. I hope it works out for you.

[xxoo]

I have to say my dad never would have let me get away with being disrespectful to his partner, whether it was my mother or someone else.

 

What exactly do you think he should do?

[jaseykewsey]

In my opinion it's not your obligation to make a good impression to his kids and make them like you. They are adults and they should know by now that their parents did not break up exclusively due to another woman (you) but cause their relationship was not strong enough to hold through an affair. Nonetheless you have no responsibility and you shouldn't let this influence your mood. It's your H's job to treat his kids however he wants and teach them some respect for his choices.

 

Other than that I think I feel some kind of dissatisfaction by you cause of your age difference, am I wrong?

 

Thanks for this - you're right and I need to learn to be in control of my own feelings rather than handing power over them out to others.

 

No dissatisfaction with the age difference - I love my MM and the fact he is older isn't relevant save for 2 in two respects: 1) the age difference means that my MM's kids are a similar age to me and it feels like this makes it all harder and 2) since I moved away from my friends in my home town the age difference means the way we socialize with others is a bit different from how we would socialize if we were the same age.....and I feel like this has made it a bit harder to form close friendships over here with people I can talk to about these issues. also there has been a major uphill battle trying to earn the right to be acknowledged and treated like a human being by some of his friends whose wives have been friends with his ex wife for a very long time....I think this would also be easier absent an age difference because (a) the length of the friendships amongst people my own age is necessarily / by definition shorter, so maybe friends are more willing to accept that their friend has a new partner, (b) with the exception of my man, who I have gotten to know very well by virtue of our relationship, I have less in common with people aged 20-30 years older than me and sometimes I feel like I say something stupid, or make some faux pas, and that it's hard to connect with them to get them to like and accept me and © because they are older than me I have to battle against feelings of being intimidated by them - a lot of them are very accomplished and successful.

[jaseykewsey]

What exactly do you think he should do?

 

It would be nice if he would simply tell them that when they disrespect me, they disrespect him.

[MissBee]

Doing some quick math, that would mean that both you and his kids were late teens when the affair started. That's going it make it doubly difficult to overcome.

 

As it is now, you are all adults. If you want this relationship that much, you may have to accept that his adult children don't want to be part of it.

 

Do you plan to have children with him?

 

Agree.

 

OP, you haven't stated your age difference, but it seems you're unhappy about several things and not just the kids. It seems you feel like you've been sold a bill of rotten goods, where you moved for him and now you don't have any friends, feel isolated, your age difference seems like it bothers you and on top of it his children dislike you.

 

I think you have to really put everything down on paper (literally) and figure out whether or not the pros outweigh the cons. I think sometimes when people end up together after an A, even if it isn't working, sometimes pride makes them try to force it so the whole upheaval didn't seem for naught. But there's no point in that IMO. I don't know if this is how you feel, but just saying that nothing is wrong with weighing things and figuring out if being with this man with everything that's going on is worth it and adds to your life or if for example if his kids never come around you can stay and be happy.

 

While you're figuring that out, I'd try to branch out and make friends. Do you work? Do you have any hobbies? Do you have ANY friends whom you keep in in contact with? I get that you moved, but you had no friends from before that you can still phone or message? If you feel isolated and friendless I suggest you work on that, as your partner cannot be your only friend. You said your age difference makes it so that you don't hang out in a group of similar aged people, but you and your partner don't necessarily need to make friends together. In all my relationships I had my pre-existing friendships and they had theirs, we might come together as a group or through each other gain new acquaintances, but generally we had separate friends and I think that's pretty normal.

 

So I'd say focus on not being isolated, making friends, and also figuring out whether or not the positives of your relationship outweigh the negatives and if the rest of your life is where you want to be with him should the children situation not change.

[jaseykewsey]

I hope things become peaceful. They may be perpetuating the fall out, but it is their right to do so if they choose to. They may also find it creepy their father is copulating with somebody closer in age to themselves. I am sure, vice verse, if their mother was getting on with her life with a boy 20 years of age, they would feel equally turned off.

NC may be the best option.

They may also come around and accept it eventually. I hope it works out for you.

 

The mother was with someone quite a bit younger and I understand they didn't have a problem with it.

I know for sure that my age DOES come into their evaluation but I find that difficult to accept. I make my own money and have a good professional job so it has to be hard for them to apply the bimbo gold digger stereotype. Still I'm sure they do find it creepy and this is another reason why they won't accept me.

[jaseykewsey]

Agree.

 

OP, you haven't stated your age difference, but it seems you're unhappy about several things and not just the kids. It seems you feel like you've been sold a bill of rotten goods, where you moved for him and now you don't have any friends, feel isolated, your age difference seems like it bothers you and on top of it his children dislike you.

 

I think you have to really put everything down on paper (literally) and figure out whether or not the pros outweigh the cons. I think sometimes when people end up together after an A, even if it isn't working, sometimes pride makes them try to force it so the whole upheaval didn't seem for naught. But there's no point in that IMO. I don't know if this is how you feel, but just saying that nothing is wrong with weighing things and figuring out if being with this man with everything that's going on is worth it and adds to your life or if for example if his kids never come around you can stay and be happy.

 

While you're figuring that out, I'd try to branch out and make friends. Do you work? Do you have any hobbies? Do you have ANY friends whom you keep in in contact with? I get that you moved, but you had no friends from before that you can still phone or message? If you feel isolated and friendless I suggest you work on that, as your partner cannot be your only friend. You said your age difference makes it so that you don't hang out in a group of similar aged people, but you and your partner don't necessarily need to make friends together. In all my relationships I had my pre-existing friendships and they had theirs, we might come together as a group or through each other gain new acquaintances, but generally we had separate friends and I think that's pretty normal.

 

So I'd say focus on not being isolated, making friends, and also figuring out whether or not the positives of your relationship outweigh the negatives and if the rest of your life is where you want to be with him should the children situation not change.

 

Thanks for the advice. I do still have close friends in my home town and I can call them, but it's not as if I can pop over with a bottle of wine for some solid BFF therapy. We do have friends over here - and I have some of my own friends rather than all mutual friends - but just not of the same level of closeness as back home and I'm not sure I can pour my heart out to them about this stuff.

 

I am definitely NOT dissatisfied with the age difference - just pointing out the respects in which it is relevant to the issues we have been trying to overcome since starting our R in the open.

[Lovelysweet2]

The mother was with someone quite a bit younger and I understand they didn't have a problem with it.

I know for sure that my age DOES come into their evaluation but I find that difficult to accept. I make my own money and have a good professional job so it has to be hard for them to apply the bimbo gold digger stereotype. Still I'm sure they do find it creepy and this is another reason why they won't accept me.

 

 

Bingo! I believe they are more uncomfortable with you, rather than disliking you. If your relationship progresses and they see their father is serious, and does not marry, cheat, etc. they may come around and take your relationship with their dad seriously.