Marrying my MM; still dealing with the fallout

[LivingWaterPlease]

There was an article in a newspaper where I live a few years ago about a group of couples who socialized together where one half of the couple was much younger than the other half. If I remember correctly the younger halves were all women. Would it make sense for you to consider trying to find others in your same situation (older man, younger woman) to socialize with at times? Not as exclusive friends but maybe just as a complement to other friendships you may form.

 

Don't mean to t/j. Think the original post was about your relationship with your fiance's children.

[Sassy Girl]

It would be nice if he would simply tell them that when they disrespect me, they disrespect him.

 

Maybe they feel that if they accept you, they effectively disrespect their mother. Did you consider that?

 

See, heres the thing about affairs that my father told me....no one ever forgets. You have to live with that for as long as you are with him.

 

They are not perpetuating anything....these are the consequences of your actions. Sucks, but you chose this life...time to put on your big girl panties and live it. They are entitled to their feelings. So they were cold... I havent heard how they were rude or even disrespectful. They dont have to like you.

 

Honestly, OP...youve given up a lot of yourself to please this man. I see bigger issues here. You cant define yourself by someone elses acceptance of you. Are you in couselling?

[jellybean89]

It would be nice if he would simply tell them that when they disrespect me, they disrespect him.

 

How exactly are they disrespecting you?

 

"Dirty looks" is subjective. What you consider a "dirty look" could just be a. Non-expression to them and others. No speaking to you isn't disrespectful. You having an affair with their father was disrespectful to them. Have you ever apologized to them for this?

 

No one can force his kids to like you or tolerate you, they don't have to. They are choosing to not deal with you and that's ok. To them, you broke up their family. You hurt their mom. You can't expect them to just get over it. Lower your expectations of them. Why do you feel they must respect you? And it is not disrespecting their father --- again, you chose the affair...an ultimate betrayal and show of disrespect.

 

Focus on your life and just let him have his relationship with them. By trying to get him tomake them do whatever is to make the father choose sides..and that will bite you down the road. Personally, I'd just choose to not be around them. Each of you all are entitled to your own feelings.

[Lovebug66]

I am wondering what exactly his kids did to make you feel disrespected yesterday? In your OP you said they were cold, then another poster said they were disrespectful and you have rolled with that since. I think there is a big difference between cold and disrespectful, and that is why I ask. I wouldn't expect my partner's kids to be warm or accepting of me the first time I meet them, regardless if there was an affair or not. But I would feel pretty horrible if my partner didn't stand up for me if they were calling me names, or making biting comments about me right infront of my face.

 

While you may have been in this relationship for 6 1/2 years, and they have known for four years, you just met them. All they have ever really known about you is that you are the OW, they don't know you at all. Things can change if they start seeing you as a nice person. Your fiancée can't make them be nice, I think all you can ask of adults is to not come in and make it a war zone. I didn't get from your OP that they had done that, just that you knew they didn't like you and how hurtful it was to feel judged again. Which is totally understandable, no one likes to feel judged! But let them judge you on what you put out there now, not what they have thought for four years without even meeting you. That is totally under your control. Maybe they never will look past the A, that is their problem. All you can do is show them is you are a kind and warm person and maybe they will come to like you for who you are and not for your past. I think you are asking a lot of them to just see it as water under the bridge now when they don't even know you. Time does not heal, it's what you do with that time that heals.

[Sub]

Just to gain some perspective possibly, what were his reasons for getting into an A with you? And are you his first AP?

[velvette]

Your expectations are what are setting you up for disappointment. You can't take the low road to your destination and expect people to be there cheering for your arrival.

 

Now the only option you have is to take the high road and stay on it.

 

You said they give you dirty looks(not something you can ever accuse someone of) and they don't talk to you. Does that mean if you ask them a question they don't answer or just that they don't initiate convo with you?

 

What does your finance have to say about how they are treating you?

 

Your R both because of the A and also because of the age difference is always going to be viewed with disdain and even ridicule by some. If that bothers you, you should get out of it because you are already entering a R that for both reasons has almost a zero chance statistically of surviving.

 

There are things that in time may change their attitude. Their own maturity. Teenagers/young adults are among the most judgemental people on the planet.

 

Them marrying others who have no vested interest in hating you and a desire to have a more normal relationship with their father-in-law and wife.

 

Having children if you plan to, who will become their half siblings they may love more than they dislike you.

 

I would wait for an opportune time to apologize for the A and the pain it caused their family and them. As well, as telling them they don't have to like you, but you're not going away and that you hope you can all get along for their fathers sake.

[xxoo]

It would be nice if he would simply tell them that when they disrespect me, they disrespect him.

 

Have you told him this? What did he say?

[Lurkeraspect]

I can share my own personal experience as I was the child of a failed marriage due to infidelity. My father had multiple OW, finally met one and divorced my mom, and quickly married her. I was 16 when all this occurred. The OW was hateful to my siblings and I, to the point that we broke all ties with our father and refused to go to their house. She cried and lamented to other family members how it was just "so unfair" that we (the kids) and other extended family just didn't like her or accept their marriage. Yes, we never did. We all viewed her (and my dad) as scum.

 

She some how believed that after some magical point in time, she should just be accepted and loved by all. What she failed to realize was that she was viewed as nothing more than the interloper who help destroy a family.

 

Long story short, their marriage lasted about 8 years when my ever faithful father cheated on her. She of course was outraged, they divorced and my dad never remarried. He died last year, broke and broken. Quite sad really. As far as the OW, who knows. We never heard or spoke to her again.

 

My dear mother, remarried about 4 years after the divorce, to a wonderful man. My siblings and I considered him "dad" and he was open to the role. He walked me and my sister down the aisle at both of our weddings. I'm so thankful for him. They have been married 29 years.

 

I tell you all of this because, the ugly truth is, most children will never forgive the cheating parent or the person who assisted. It's just not reality for most.

[jaseykewsey]

Hi guys,

 

Thanks for all your input. I took one valuable thing out of it, which is that I am not going to try to force the issue (I wasn't anyway) or put any expectations on them (I haven't anyway) - essentially I will allow the situation to continue as before, where I don't have contact with the kids.

 

VEHEMENTLY disagree that our relationship has poor prospects of success. He is my best friend and we are solid. I definitely won't be taking on board any of the negative posts to the effect that our relationship will fail or we should just put up with being hated on forever because of the relationship breakup!!! That is just silly. The relationship breakup is a matter between my man and his ex. It actually has nothing to do with anyone else.

 

If anything, the negative comments have fortified me This reminds me that I will never be able to please everyone, there will always be someone judging something I do, and there will be people who will just keep judging away no matter what I do - which is their problem. What other people think of me is none of my business the key thing is that I love my partner and he loves me; we have a happy life together and we're going to have a happy future.

 

Thanks everyone! Signing out

Edited October 12, 2014 by jaseykewsey

[Lovelysweet2]

Great outlook! Good luck and happy marriage vows. Weddings are fun and young love is unforgettable. I hope it works out.

[eye of the storm]

You can only control how you feel. Neither you nor or your fiancé can control how his kids feel.

 

You say they are ok with their mom's new love...that guy was not involved in the marriage so they are more likely to be ok with it. Sounds reasonable.

 

They may, one day, get tired of not liking you. They may not.

 

The only thing you and your fiancé has the right to demand from them is politeness.

 

They can be cool, distant, and uninterested, as long as they are still polite. You need to wrap your mind around this. They don't have to "get over things" because you are tired of feeling bad.

 

But the odds are after you two have been married for awhile things may settle down. I hope it gets better

[xxoo]

The only thing you and your fiancé has the right to demand from them is politeness.

 

Truly, you can't even demand that. You can't force them to be polite, only set the boundary at politeness to share their company.

 

It's a shame, but it is what it is. It's obviously difficult for them to accept, and I can understand that. The fact that you've been with their father 6.5 years and they've never met you probably doesn't make it feel more legitimate and respectable.

[stillafool]

I have been crying a lot this afternoon and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I feel pretty isolated.

 

 

Glad to hear your finance is your best friend because he is the one you should talk to about the way you feel. He is the only one who can possibly help you with his kids. If you avoid them at all costs you certainly will feel left out and alone later on. At some point your fiance is going to want to spend time with his children for events and holidays. You can be there now and go through whatever you have to go through with them and perhaps one day be accepted as part of the family. If not you will feel left out later when he spends time with them and you're left alone. It won't matter to them as they will probably be glad you aren't around but I think you'll get tired of that.

[SunshineToday]

People. The OP said she is the same age as MMs children.

 

They will probably never accept her or really respect her due to that + the fact their parents are no longer together. She is not even their mothers age.

 

The truth is, it can become a serious issue between you as a couple-years-weeks-months down the road. You don't see it at first.

There is not much the OP can do, but what she is doing.

 

It's a common part of being in an A-(esp the May-Dec type)with children.

Not easy with all the fallout.

[stillafool]

Um, I think their mother is also dating a much younger man that they don't seem to have a problem with. That's because he wasn't part of an affair that broke the parents up. I don't think it is so much about OPs age that they don't like.

[HermioneG]

Maybe they feel that if they accept you, they effectively disrespect their mother. Did you consider that?

 

See, heres the thing about affairs that my father told me....no one ever forgets. You have to live with that for as long as you are with him.

 

They are not perpetuating anything....these are the consequences of your actions. Sucks, but you chose this life...time to put on your big girl panties and live it. They are entitled to their feelings. So they were cold... I havent heard how they were rude or even disrespectful. They dont have to like you.

 

Honestly, OP...youve given up a lot of yourself to please this man. I see bigger issues here. You cant define yourself by someone elses acceptance of you. Are you in couselling?

 

All of this is very important. Yes.

[Got it]

OP- from my perspective, you and your fiance are a team so as a team what impacts one impacts the other. So if they are being disrespectful then he does need to say something to them. We went through a rough time with my husband's kids, especially the oldest, due to the affair. I stayed out of their relationship with their father while we were dating, for a few years, to allow it to develop without my involvement.

 

But when we integrated then it was done at the kid's okay. We still have a strained relationship with the oldest but those are her choices as an adult. When one/all the kids are adults then they have the right to have the boundaries that they do but so do you.

 

I think you have other issues that you are focusing on as well. Have you two tried couples counseling? I know that my husband would never allow the kids to disrespect me and vice versa. I can imagine the age thing is playing a large impact on this. My parents are divorced and my father has dated women my age or even younger. I am polite and respectful but I am not as comfortable or accepting because of it.

 

Talk to him, let him know how you feel and what you two can do as a team to help with these obstacles.

[Scorpio Chick]

Another thing I agree with - disrespecting me to my face when we are together as with yesterday is disrespecting their father. I don't think it should be too much to ask for them to be polite and kind on the rare occasion we did have to be around each other.

 

How old are you and how old is your exMM that you are engaged to? Someone here said something about doing the math and it sounding like you might have been a teenager when you got involved with him. If so, there are other issues here.

 

In any event, no matter how long ago this affair happened, you had an affair with a married man with children that were still minors it sounds like. If his ex wife was his age, and you are significantly younger, that would have added another dimension of sadness, fear, etc...to his ex wife. I think everyone might be able to agree that older men that leave their wives for much younger women are generally looked down upon, because if you were a late teen and he was in his 30s or 40s, well, that's just pretty bad. I can't imagine what the wife went through, hell, we can't fix what age we are. I'm sure her children witnessed her being extremely upset, give them credit for that.

 

You speak of them 'at least' being able or that they have some onus of responsibility to be polite to you. I disagree. I don't think they should be cursing you out, but you stole their father from their MOTHER. That's how they will always see it. Did you ever consider that they might feel that to be polite to you, friendly to you, accepting of you is DISRESPECTFUL of their mother and disloyal? Quite simply, to them, in their eyes, you are an enemy that they view destroyed their once intact family. Someone could turn this around on you and say at the very least when you were having an affair with a married man, you could have considered walking away until his children were adults living outside the home. You expect noble behavior of them, while you carried on an affair with a married man with children. That is unfair of you to feel that way towards them.

[Sassy Girl]

I actually have noticed that OP has dodged questions as the the specifics of the age difference.... This in an of itself leads one to think there's something behind why she avoids the question.

[Elle1975]

How much of an age difference?

 

My father introduced me to his new partner when I was 18. She was.. 19! And he was over 50 y old. She wanted me to call her "mom" (I kid you not).

 

Never liked her, never loved him the same after that.

[bathtub-row]

My thoughts on this is for you to make peace with this situation and stop acting guilty. As long as it plays out in your head that way, the more people will trample on you over this, his kids included.

 

I agree that your guy should make sure his kids are respectful but I say leave that up to him. There's no way to win anyone over by force, anyway. For your part, let them act however they want but do not let them disrespect you. If it comes down to it, have a conversation about it. Maybe say to them that you understand their resentment, that in hindsight you would've handled things differently but things are what they are, there's no turning back the clock, you love their dad completely, and that's the way it is. Then go your merry way.

 

Do not avoid them and do not act guilty. Eventually they'll get tired of the game and will probably come to like you. It's a matter of how much you allow them, or anyone else, to keep you on this guilt trip. When they figure out that you're not going to buy into it, they'll most likely lose interest in playing that game.

[Lurkeraspect]

My thoughts on this is for you to make peace with this situation and stop acting guilty. As long as it plays out in your head that way, the more people will trample on you over this, his kids included.

 

I agree that your guy should make sure his kids are respectful but I say leave that up to him. There's no way to win anyone over by force, anyway. For your part, let them act however they want but do not let them disrespect you. If it comes down to it, have a conversation about it. Maybe say to them that you understand their resentment, that in hindsight you would've handled things differently but things are what they are, there's no turning back the clock, you love their dad completely, and that's the way it is. Then go your merry way.

 

Do not avoid them and do not act guilty. Eventually they'll get tired of the game and will probably come to like you. It's a matter of how much you allow them, or anyone else, to keep you on this guilt trip. When they figure out that you're not going to buy into it, they'll most likely lose interest in playing that game.

 

 

 

I doubt his children are playing a game or think this is some sort of a game. To them, it's probably disgusting and embarrassing. These adult kids aren't stupid, and have no desire being around her or him, the ick factor is probably very high due to the age of the OP. And beyond that, the way it all went down.

 

The rest of your advice is really good. I believe the OP needs to just accept that they will likely never like, love or accept her as the replacement mom or friend. She certainly doesn't have to accept in your face disrespect towards her, but needs to understand that she'll likely never be accepted as a member of the family.

 

Something to consider, if this is important to her, as it will likely never happen.

[oldshirt]

One of my best friends from childhoods father had an affair with his grade school teacher, divorce his mom and married the AP.

 

THAT WAS 40 years ago. The dad and AP are still married. My friend and his two siblings have never accepted or loved her into their families or hearts.

 

They accept the their father made his choice and they are polite to her but never warm and loving.

 

Some times common courtesy is the best you can hope for. They don't have a right to be openly mean, rude or condescending to you, but they are also under no obligation to welcome you into their hearts or their inner circle.

[whichwayisup]

Hi everyone. I really just need someone to talk to to get off my chest how I am feeling. I am in a long term relationship 6.5years engaged to be married. My fiance is quite a bit older than me with 3 children from his former marriage. They have so far refused to meet me because I was involved in breaking up the former relationship...we were having an A. He ended his marriage about 4 years ago and after a year of turmoil we were solid. It has NOT been easy. Already I have had to deal with so much judgment and guilt in my life.

 

I met 2 of his children today. They were very cold. I understand why, and I wish I would not take it personally, but the truth is I am so tired of feeling judged and hated. My self esteem is very low and I feel like it's hard to build myself back up to a healthy place when there is adversity everywhere. Also I feel like the challenge of my fiance's children is insurmountable and overwhelming. I don't want to meet them again because I don't want to feel this way again. But then i know that just perpetuates what is a hard situation for my fiance.

 

Anyway, right now I feel very low. I have been crying a lot this afternoon and I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. I feel pretty isolated. One aspect of the age difference is that our friendships are different than most couple's friendships; it's not like we hang out in a group of people all of a similar age so it is a little hard to form and build close friendships -

 

I am living away from my home town (moved to be with him). So. That's my story; that is what I am dealing with.

 

Just read your 1st post here and will read the rest of your thread. So far, I see you have a lot working against you, his kids, how you two met, had an A and the marriage ending. How quickly did this all take place?

 

It's going to take a long time to build a new life with him, due to the nature of the fallout of your affair with him. If the love is there and the glue that binds you two together is strong enough, together you'll work through this. He'll have your back and you'll have his.

 

Gonna have to toughen up and grow the thick skin too because their kids won't accept you any time soon unfortunately. How old are they (ignore this ? if already asked and answered).

 

How has your own family dealt with this? Are they supportive?

[whichwayisup]

His children are pretty close in age to me. They are all in their twenties. The 2 I met today are about 24 and 26.

 

To clarify - HE is not isolated from them; he sees them all the time and is close with them. But they do not accept me.

 

Then let it be. Time will heal wounds. Eventually they'll have to get used to you being in their lives on some level. Don't try to mend the fence, that move has to come from them. He can slowly try to influence them to give you a chance to get to know you, not as 'step mom' but as dad's future wife. Due to their age and your age, and the fact their mom still alive, they won't see you as a step parent.

 

I'm not sure about this. They are adults living out of home. Their mother has moved on with a new guy and is happy. Their father has proved beyond all doubt that he loves them and will be there for them and has supported them emotionally and financially whenever anything has happened in their lives. Of course the breakup affected them and I don't meant to downplay how significant that effect must have been, but now, 4 years after the breakup, I disagree that they are still dealing with the fallout of the breakup. Rather in my view they are perpetuating the fallout.

 

They don't like how you and their father got together. Doesn't matter that their mom has moved on and is happy with someone else now - They have it in their heads, it's your fault and they blame you. If they truly had an issue, they'd cut their dad out of their lives. If you have patience, ride it out and continue to live your life and hope one day they at least try to get to know you on some level.

 

Need to ask, what terms is he is on with his ex wife? do they speak and get along OK or does she hate him and has nothing to do with him? If they are on speaking terms and are friendly enough as ex's and co parents to their kids, it is possible he could ask her to ask them to lighten up and stop the hate on for you.

 

Another thing I agree with - disrespecting me to my face when we are together as with yesterday is disrespecting their father. I don't think it should be too much to ask for them to be polite and kind on the rare occasion we did have to be around each other. I have to say my dad never would have let me get away with being disrespectful to his partner, whether it was my mother or someone else.

 

This is on him then. He has to tell them too, to back off and if he hasn't YOU tell him he must start standing up for you and let them know they're being rude and it's got to stop. That they need not see as "step mom" but as a person who makes their father very happy, and that every time they take a shot at you, it hurts HIM. I think without guilt and with love/care, a conversation can take place in a respectful way. And you could be honest and tell them that you have no expectations from them but they have to try to make an effort when you're around them.

 

But, all of that said, I guess it is very hard for them to put their feelings to one side and pretend they didn't have those feelings. I can understand that too. It's definitely not worth it to me to have to be in that situation, so looks like the best realistic outcome for the moment is to go back to no contact between me and them. You guys are right - they will prefer this too.

 

They shouldn't hold this grudge forever. If they do, they lose out on learning to forgive and let the past go. Do you know if they all did any type of family counseling? This is an option, he goes with them to help sort this out.