Marrying my MM; still dealing with the fallout

[jaseykewsey]

Hey whichwayisup and bathtubrow, thanks for your considered, well thought out and reasoned advice! I skim read some of the other posts by 1 or 2 others and looks like there were some nasty adjectives being thrown around but actually to read a post like yours is WHY I decided to turn to the internet for advice!! It actually wasn't so that I could obtain further judgment from the internet community, and comments about my the age difference being disgusting etc. Wow!!!

 

Luckily, with some solid advice from a few of you guys here, I have the additional perspective I need to move forward in a positive way.

 

whichwayisup - he is on great terms with his ex. He is on great terms with everyone I agree that his kids see me as the person responsible, but looking at it rationally there were 3 people involved. Anyway, I can definitely understand the human psychology of this one, even if it isn't strictly rational for them to hold me exclusively accountable. He has actually considered asking his ex to use her influence on the kids to get them to come around a little bit.

 

whichwayisup, I am DEFINITELY taking this advice on board from you the other advisers on this post who have been helpful and supportive to wait it out and be patient rather than make any further attempts to actively overcome the blockade. I had said to my man that it was getting silly that we still hadn't met. It did feel silly after 4 years. But, now I think the better course would have just been to continue to wait until they truly are ready. This is the course I am going to pursue.

 

Insofar as they decide NEVER to accept me, that's cool too I won't be pursuing any relationship with anyone who doesn't want a relationship with me. What was upsetting to me was being in the situation where we were all together yet it was frosty and they didn't speak to me at all. Anyway, knowing now that it won't work having get togethers while they are still holding a grudge, and having developed a strategy for avoiding being in a similar situation which upsets me in a similar way, plus having developed a bit of perspective from hearing a few different angles (though I'm only taking the positive ones on board) - I am all set. I feel good today; I'm not upset anymore; I'm not worried how the future will pan out. I have ABSOLUTE faith in my relationship. I have a man who has gone through hell because he wanted to live authentically in his relationship. SO to everyone who suggested that I should reconsider the whole relationship, or that there was something inherently wrong with it, or that it was unlikely to work out, etc etc - don't worry - we will be fine!!!

[Sassy Girl]

I think people are drawing their own conclusions on the age issue based on your evasiveness and unwillingness to answer that very basic question. I mean, if there was no issue then it would be no issue to disclose now, would it?

 

But that's cool. It's your business. This is the internet and people will form judgments no matter what... And there will always be some trying to read between the lines.

 

And try to remember that sometimes the advice we don't want to hear is the advice we need to hear. Sometimes not. Take what you need and leave the rest, but by to be objective about what they are telling you.

 

Good luck

[Got it]

OP should not be giving out her age on this site as I was stupid enough once to give tmi and some really horrible posters (some of whom are still here and actively bash) used that info and tracked me down in real life, tried to embarrass and humiliate me and out me to the community. Do NOT give out exact personal info.

 

OP I think you are on the right track. Just don't push anything and be happy that you found a match. Age difference... heck, if it doesn't bother you then who cares what a bunch of yokels on a forum think. Some people will glom onto anything to hurt your feelings because they are cold hearted. Take what helps and let the rest slide off your back.

 

Xxx

 

Good lord Goody! Did you tell the mods? How are they not banned!?!

 

I agree, everyone should be able to advice, or not advice, based on the information provided. One's W-2, tax return, and family history shouldn't be necessary to do so. Take what is given and advise from there.

 

Any person is advised to shield some of their identifying information. This is the internet and there are some very creepy on it who may get you in their crosshairs (unfortunately you ran into them).

[gettingstronger]

Since you are close in age, they probably view you as a peer rather than their Fathers partner- as such, you are not the type of person they like-they probably can not fathom being friends with someone that has an affair with an older man-it kind of skeeves them out- as they get older, they will develop their own lives and how they feel about you will be less and less important-

 

I have never "liked" my MIL and it was a big deal at first, now we are just related and its not a huge issue-

[goodyblue]

Good lord Goody! Did you tell the mods? How are they not banned!?!

 

I agree, everyone should be able to advice, or not advice, based on the information provided. One's W-2, tax return, and family history shouldn't be necessary to do so. Take what is given and advise from there.

 

Any person is advised to shield some of their identifying information. This is the internet and there are some very creepy on it who may get you in their crosshairs (unfortunately you ran into them).

 

I did tell the mods. Took a long time to take anything down. This happened when I first posted years ago. I was just alone and very green. They found me on FB. They still call me out by name on another site. I kind of laugh now because they can't hurt me as I do not live a lie, but those people can't seem to let go of the fact that things turned out for me. It is posted on a regular basis that I am a b*itch with a black heart.

 

Anyway, just be careful. I do sometimes see certain posters who dig for information asking ages, locations, line of work etc. I try to always comment not to ever give out those details.

[No Limit]

By giving OP dirty looks and acting like children SIX YEARS after the divorce, they.Are disrespecting not only OP but their father.

 

Being in the kids' role here; in my case I could care less about how much time has passed. It's been 14 years, and I'm glad my father had to leave the country and can't annoy me with attempts to establish contact. Obviously sex was a higher priority than family. Even if OPs relationship is real, I have no doubt that the betrayed spouse was hurt deeply 6 years ago - and seeing your own mother in pain, well, if we were living in the Middle Ages kids would likely go for blood.

 

Oh my, how dare I disrespect my father after being lied to throughout his whole affair(s). Indeed, I should just respect and love him no matter what he does.

-- Too bad kids don't follow the ideas set by the affair fog unless the mother is a real witch (as is the case for example with my bi-polar, abusive grandmother; ol' grandpa left her decades ago and spent months searching for us in a neighbour country; a real shame laws back then had the kids staying with mothers no matter what, he could have saved my mother from becoming the insecure woman she is today).

[goodyblue]

Being in the kids' role here; in my case I could care less about how much time has passed. It's been 14 years, and I'm glad my father had to leave the country and can't annoy me with attempts to establish contact. Obviously sex was a higher priority than family. Even if OPs relationship is real, I have no doubt that the betrayed spouse was hurt deeply 6 years ago - and seeing your own mother in pain, well, if we were living in the Middle Ages kids would likely go for blood.

 

Oh my, how dare I disrespect my father after being lied to throughout his whole affair(s). Indeed, I should just respect and love him no matter what he does.

-- Too bad kids don't follow the ideas set by the affair fog unless the mother is a real witch (as is the case for example with my bi-polar, abusive grandmother; ol' grandpa left her decades ago and spent months searching for us in a neighbour country; a real shame laws back then had the kids staying with mothers no matter what, he could have saved my mother from becoming the insecure woman she is today).

 

Not going to touch this post with a ten foot pole. Just hope that you can move on and find peace within yourself.

[velvette]

 

 

 

whichwayisup - he is on great terms with his ex. He is on great terms with everyone I agree that his kids see me as the person responsible, but looking at it rationally there were 3 people involved. Anyway, I can definitely understand the human psychology of this one, even if it isn't strictly rational for them to hold me exclusively accountable. He has actually considered asking his ex to use her influence on the kids to get them to come around a little bit.

 

 

If their mother can help that's fine, but what has he said to his kids about their behavior to you and what was their response to that?

 

As others have said, they may take the R more seriously once you are married. When is your wedding? Will they be involved? That may be an opportunity to reach some sort of truce.

 

Also, are you living together? If so, it might help to have these get togethers in your home. Ditto with his friends whom you feel uncomfortable with. Its usually much harder for people who have been raised to be well mannered to behave rudely in other peoples homes than out in a restaurant. You would be more comfortable on your home turf as well.

 

There is a range of options between pushing yourself on them and doing nothing. Usually, the middle ground is a more balanced approach and where the solution is found.

[Lovelysweet2]

Love prevails. There will always be relationships in which no one understands but the partners who choose to be a union. The judgment and whispers behind the couples back, friends, family, public is to expected and as the poster said, their love is strong enough to get through the situational drama.

This reminds of the Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson union, 25-30 year age difference, if he had children, they would be her peer group. They are a peculiar, strange couple and they seem happy and in love. In the end they have to live together and make it work sans anyone else's opinion.

[KeepCalmCarryOn]

If my dad cheated on my mom and broke up our family I would never forgive him and I would likely make her life as miserable as possible. Just saying.

[Lovebug66]

Jacey,

 

While I understand them being cold and not talking to you was probably a very awkward and crappy situation for you, my humble opinion is not seeing them again is just going to perpetuate this bad situation.

 

I know it's not the exact same thing, but my SIL and I don't get along. She is downright nasty to me. All pretty passive aggressive stuff, like not talking to me, thanking my only H for dinner when I'm the one who cooked, a few weeks ago she got married and left me out of the family wedding pictures. Oh, and she invited my H's high school girlfriend who she hasn't seen in 15 years to play music as she walked down the aisle. My big crime? She liked the other gf better.

 

But here is the thing, unless I divorce my H, she is part of my family and I just have to deal with it. I have tried to include her, be nice etc and she doesn't give a flying f. So I really don't care anymore if we are friends or get along, I just survive it for my H's sake. Most of the time I don't spend any time with her, but when you are family, sometimes it is unavoidable. My opinion of my own situation is I am not going to cave to my SIL trying to push me out, that's what she wants. Today, I look at her behavior and just feel bad that she could be so vindictive towards people. And I notice she is like that with most people, so I don't take it personally anymore.

 

I know I said this before to you, but I think it is a really important point, his kids don't know you! They have preconceived notions. You put in the effort with his friends, I really think you should put that effort in with his family too as they are an even more important part of his life. If I was in their situation, I'd feel hurt that it had been four years and you had never made any effort and it would continue to make my bad feelings for you grow. I found it interesting you weren't sure how old they were and it just made me feel like you haven't put a whole lot of time into knowing who they really are.

 

It is tough to face difficult situations, and avoiding them is always the easy way to go. My fear for you tho is that if you keep avoiding, this situation really has no way to improve. In 10 years when your F wants to spend Christmas with the grand kids, are you going to sit at home by yourself or go and try to have a good time? The longer you avoid, the harder it gets to face it. I speak from a lot of personal experience there ((hugs))

[meandmycats]

If my dad cheated on my mom and broke up our family I would never forgive him and I would likely make her life as miserable as possible. Just saying.

 

 

 

I joined because I couldn't just sit and watch without chucking my two pennies in.

 

 

I watched my Mum get absolutely annihilated by my Dad's affair. It was (and still is sometimes) the most horrid, cruel and selfish thing I have ever known him to do to her. His other woman never gave a s**t about us or Mum. She came after us like it was OUR fault Dad got found out and threw her under the bus after 4 years.

 

 

I'm one of four. The day we discovered what Dad had done was one none of us will forget. We've forgiven, because Mum forgave him, and we've all moved on, but I can say that not one of us has forgotten. Dad worked hard to show Mum he was worthy, and we've all had to admit that him and Mum really are meant to be.

[Owl]

OP...I think your best bet is to talk with HIM...and discuss with him how you feel about the interactions with his kids. And...accept that this is how it's likely to be for the forseeable future.

 

They're not likely to warm to you any time soon

 

There's no reason why they should.

 

And frankly...if their dad told them what you want him to...that their lack of respect for you is a lack of respect for him...that's really only likely to damage his relationship with them...not do anything to improve their relationship with you.

 

Which is probably why he's not acted on that already. He already knows this.

 

They have no reason to respect you. They have no reason to show you any kind of acceptance, tolerance, care, whatever.

 

And if their father tries to force them to do so...it's only likely to exacerbate things between them and him.

 

This is...quite simply...what you've signed up for. It sucks, but there's really nothing you can do about it.

[anika99]

I joined because I couldn't just sit and watch without chucking my two pennies in.

 

 

I watched my Mum get absolutely annihilated by my Dad's affair. It was (and still is sometimes) the most horrid, cruel and selfish thing I have ever known him to do to her. His other woman never gave a s**t about us or Mum. She came after us like it was OUR fault Dad got found out and threw her under the bus after 4 years.

 

 

I'm one of four. The day we discovered what Dad had done was one none of us will forget. We've forgiven, because Mum forgave him, and we've all moved on, but I can say that not one of us has forgotten. Dad worked hard to show Mum he was worthy, and we've all had to admit that him and Mum really are meant to be.

 

 

So glad to hear that your family was able to recover from that but it sounds like your dad took responsibility for his actions and did the work to mend the damage he caused.

 

 

I think a big problem with some MM who leave for the OW is that they never accept how terribly they hurt their kids too and therefore they never take responsibility or show any remorse for the pain they caused the children. When the kids confront their dad or express any disapproval about his behavior all they get back is a bunch of noise about how he deserves to be happy or how it was all the betrayed parent's fault. That is just so unsatisfactory for the wounded kids to hear. They don't want hear about the parents unhappiness, they don't want to hear dad blame mom. They want and they need him to see their pain and to acknowledge what he did to cause it. Then they want him to do the work to make amends for it and earn back their trust. I think many cheating fathers who reconcile the marriage are able to do this for their kids, where many cheating fathers who run off tend to be to defensive and self involved to ever truly make amends.

[whichwayisup]

Hey whichwayisup and bathtubrow, thanks for your considered, well thought out and reasoned advice! I skim read some of the other posts by 1 or 2 others and looks like there were some nasty adjectives being thrown around but actually to read a post like yours is WHY I decided to turn to the internet for advice!! It actually wasn't so that I could obtain further judgment from the internet community, and comments about my the age difference being disgusting etc. Wow!!!

 

You're welcome. Don't react and just ignore the comments that you find aren't helpful, focus on the advice that can improve your situation.

 

 

whichwayisup - he is on great terms with his ex. He is on great terms with everyone I agree that his kids see me as the person responsible, but looking at it rationally there were 3 people involved. Anyway, I can definitely understand the human psychology of this one, even if it isn't strictly rational for them to hold me exclusively accountable. He has actually considered asking his ex to use her influence on the kids to get them to come around a little bit.

 

What do you mean 3 people involved? His wife is responsible for her part in any problems in the marriage but it's not her fault at all for him choosing to cheat and have an affair. That's all on him. You can't put blame on her for that, it's not fair. That's like saying one day if has an affair with someone else, cheats on you, you are partially responsible for the betrayal.

 

He should talk to his ex about this and he should stand up for you more often instead of letting his adult children treat you poorly.

[Sub]

I'm not sure if this has been touched on, and it's odd that it's just dawned on me: You've been in a post-A relationship with this man for four years, and this is the first interaction you've had with his kids. Were you nervous beforehand? It would seem like there could be a lot of build up to a situation like this, as it would be a big moment. I'm assuming your fiancé has shared with you prior to this his children's feelings on the matter.

[TwoTowns]

I met 2 of his children today. They were very cold. I understand why, and I wish I would not take it personally, but the truth is I am so tired of feeling judged and hated. My self esteem is very low and I feel like it's hard to build myself back up to a healthy place when there is adversity everywhere.

 

I am sorry you feel this way, and I see many similarities between your situation and mine.

 

My SO and I are taking our 'legitimate' relationship slowly, and are currently dating long-distance. I was involved twice in an affair with him, once in the 90's when I was single and he was married, and then again over the last two-and-a-half years - he was divorced and I was married (now divorcing).

 

There will be animosity from his ex-wife once she realizes who he is in a relationship with, that it is the woman with whom he cheated two decades ago. My SO and I are hopeful that his ex will not drag their adult children and extended family into it, especially since she left my SO for another man after her own affair. I will, like you, be relocating to be near my SO - and I am sure I will feel much of the same isolation that you feel if his children and family do not accept me.

 

My STBXH - who I'm leaving finally after years of controlling behavior, verbal and emotional abuse - nonetheless is struggling with the fact that I am with this particular man, because he knows my history with him.

 

Unfortunately, it is the path we choose when we choose to involve ourselves in affairs. And it's the challenge we face when we try to transition our affairs into legitimate relationships. All I can do, and all you can do, is love and support your partner through life's ups and downs, and try to accept that you may never have the kind of relationship you seek with his children. Especially if their mother has alienated them against him.

[TwoTowns]

His children are pretty close in age to me. They are all in their twenties. The 2 I met today are about 24 and 26.

 

To clarify - HE is not isolated from them; he sees them all the time and is close with them. But they do not accept me.

 

I am sure that part of their animosity stems from the age difference between you and their dad. Luckily that's not the case with my SO.

 

It is probably very unsettling for his kids - and their mom - to adjust to their father marrying someone, having relations with someone, who is young enough to be his daughter.

[truncated]

My brother's current marriage started out as an affiar. My new sister in law and my brother's children don't speak at all, and to be honest, they absolutely loathe her.

 

I was talking with my nephew once about it, and his reason he gave was that his dad had tried to insist that they respect his new marriage and be respectful his new wife. My nephews response was somehting along the lines of why should he respect her or respect their marriage, when she had paid zero respect to their mom or her marriage by getting involved with her husband..

 

Right or wrong, that's how he felt, and I can say with certainty that it's because he felt he had been forced into hvaing to interact with her before he was ready. My niece feels the same way.

 

That's the thing. You can't force a relationship,You can't force them to show any respect at all. To put isimply, the adult kids can choose how they will act, hurtful or not. You and your partner will have to find a way to deal with it. The longer it festers, the worse it's going to get. My brother and his wife let it fester, and now his kids don't even want anyting to do with either one of them, which is sad. He's getting angry, as he feels his new marraige has cost him being in his kid's lives.

 

Have you both apologized to them for hurting them and thier mother? Whether or not you feel their pain is on you, they certainly seem to blame you for it, and if you wnat to have any sort of cordial relationship with them, you may have to to swallow your pride and give a heartflet apology.

 

After all, if you love the an, you'll wnat him to be happy, and what father is going to be happy knwong his kids are unhappy and not in his life? That could be where this is headed if you aren't careful.

[velvette]

My brother's current marriage started out as an affiar. My new sister in law and my brother's children don't speak at all, and to be honest, they absolutely loathe her.

 

I was talking with my nephew once about it, and his reason he gave was that his dad had tried to insist that they respect his new marriage and be respectful his new wife. My nephews response was somehting along the lines of why should he respect her or respect their marriage, when she had paid zero respect to their mom or her marriage by getting involved with her husband..

 

Right or wrong, that's how he felt, and I can say with certainty that it's because he felt he had been forced into hvaing to interact with her before he was ready. My niece feels the same way.

 

Have you both apologized to them for hurting them and thier mother? Whether or not you feel their pain is on you, they certainly seem to blame you for it, and if you wnat to have any sort of cordial relationship with them, you may have to to swallow your pride and give a heartflet apology.

 

After all, if you love the an, you'll wnat him to be happy, and what father is going to be happy knwong his kids are unhappy and not in his life? That could be where this is headed if you aren't careful.

 

This is a critical point and one on which the OP herself seems to be conflicted. In her first post, she states her A broke up the marriage. Later she says 3 people were responsible for the break up.

 

You cant expect other people to follow the rules of civility when you yourself haven't or don't. That's hypocrisy and people will note it and react accordingly.

 

Additionally, when people are hurt by something whether their feelings are rational or not and whether or not you agree they should be hurt or continue to be hurt, what they want most is to be heard and understood. Add to that, its hard to keep arguing with someone when they agree with you.

 

For everyone A are wrong. Going after or becoming involved with a married person is wrong. Even for those involved in A they probably decreed it wrong before they did it.

 

Owning that and apologizing for the hurt caused to others is a good first step in establishing some basis for these kids to respect the OP.

 

All relationships have a certain amount of currency. There is no money in the bank for a R between OP and her fiancés kids. She has to make the initial deposit and then continue to build on that.

[GettingOver]

I really do not understand all this drama with "hurting" adult kids - let's say starting from 18-20, even a 16 y.o. should be able to understand. I am coming from a family where parents basically stayed together for me and out of fear of changes. It was not a bad marriage, but a lot of things were missing. When I was a little kid for sure I would have cried and get mad if one of them left for another partner. But starting from 16 I would have totally understood and respected such kind of choise. I would have been happy for either of them if they found happiness with other people.

I personally wouldn't find myself in a position to judge my parents' decisions regarding their private life. I am always amazed how "kids" over 20 are "hurt" and stop talking to their parents because parents chose to have another partner. You have to be happy and thankful that they raised you and let them livetheir own life.

[GettingOver]

OP, I just wanted to send you a hug! You have already invested a lot into this relationship and it's been 4 years since the man is divorced. If you are 100% sure he is what you need you will make it no matter if these "kids" like you or not. Your man has already showed you what you mean to him and that means a lot! He did not leave you cause his kids don't like you or blame him. Stay strong and listen to your heart!

[velvette]

I really do not understand all this drama with "hurting" adult kids - let's say starting from 18-20, even a 16 y.o. should be able to understand. I am coming from a family where parents basically stayed together for me and out of fear of changes. It was not a bad marriage, but a lot of things were missing. When I was a little kid for sure I would have cried and get mad if one of them left for another partner. But starting from 16 I would have totally understood and respected such kind of choise. I would have been happy for either of them if they found happiness with other people.

I personally wouldn't find myself in a position to judge my parents' decisions regarding their private life. I am always amazed how "kids" over 20 are "hurt" and stop talking to their parents because parents chose to have another partner. You have to be happy and thankful that they raised you and let them livetheir own life.

 

You are speaking hypothetically. The reality is that older kids tend to take divorce much harder. Younger kids are more resilient, more easily distracted and made happy and more adaptable.

 

For older kids, the death of their intact family at a time they are on the verge of thinking about, pursuing or establishing their own lives including serious relationships and their own families the impact is more intense. Will their own R end up the same way? Can they trust anyone? If their own father is a cheater, what about other men?

 

Not to mention all the dreams they have of their future that involve family are effectively shattered. Their own wedding. Christmas with their kids and parents, etc. etc. etc.

 

The literature is pretty clear that lots of older kids take it harder.

[GettingOver]

You are speaking hypothetically. The reality is that older kids tend to take divorce much harder. Younger kids are more resilient, more easily distracted and made happy and more adaptable.

 

For older kids, the death of their intact family at a time they are on the verge of thinking about, pursuing or establishing their own lives including serious relationships and their own families the impact is more intense. Will their own R end up the same way? Can they trust anyone? If their own father is a cheater, what about other men?

 

Not to mention all the dreams they have of their future that involve family are effectively shattered. Their own wedding. Christmas with their kids and parents, etc. etc. etc.

 

The literature is pretty clear that lots of older kids take it harder.

 

I am not speaking hypothetically, I am speaking from experience and express my opinion. Older kids usually already have a bit of their own experience and have seen at least on TV that family unions break quite often for various reasons and it can happen to EVERYONE including themselves no matter if their parents are together or not. I also think that kids of OP's partner are being extremily selfish and hurt their father, though they should not. Looks like the man stayed married and raised them till 18-20, and this could be the reason he was actually cheating instead of telling everything right away - he wanted to wait till the kids are grown. Doesn't it deserve some respect from adult children?

[xxoo]

this could be the reason he was actually cheating instead of telling everything right away - he wanted to wait till the kids are grown. Doesn't it deserve some respect from adult children?

 

No, cheating doesn't earn respect from adult children.

 

And yes, teens often take a divorce harder than younger children, and are less likely to be welcoming of a new partner (let alone an affair partner, let alone an affair partner who is their age).