I think he doesn't want me to visit him

[marycc]

We were supposed to see each other on September 27 but I didn't go because I didn't feel ready to be with his parents again (he lives with them, and his mother heard us fighting once, recently, and asked my bf what happened and he ended up venting with her, and now her opinion of me changed, for the worse...I'm a very insecure person and I'm afraid that he lies/cheats on me, and I get deffensive, that's why we were fighting, btw...).

He was sad about it, but he says that he understands why I was feeling like that and that he wouldn't force me to go there...and he didn't sugest another date, it was ME who had to take the initiative and say "We could be together October 11..." and he seemed ok with it and never talked about it after that!!

However, I got really sick this past week and the weather has been awful, so I told him that I also couldn't go there yesterday, as we (I...) planned. Once again, he didn't sugest another date! So, I got really upset and talked to him about this... I told him that recently it seemed like I was the only one interested in being together with him, and he told me that he felt bad that I didn't feel ok being with his parents and that he didn't ask me if I'd like to go there because I'm the one who has to make a decision about that since the last two times we weren't together because of me...but I don't think that's a valid reason, it's his home, I think it should be him asking me to go there, and not me.

Also, this two last times that I was supposed to be with him, he didn't looked excited about us being together like he used to be before, he would even make a countdown and was always reminding me that soon we would be together...but it didn't happen when we were supposed to be together on September 27 and October 11. It also seemed like he almost forgot that we were going to be together.

However, after I talked to him about being afraid that he doesn't want me to visit him/not looking interested in being with me... he asked me if I want to go there next weekend, I told him that I don't know (I can, but I don't know if I want to go there if this next week passes by without him saying a word about next weekend)..and after I told him that I didn't know if I wanted to go there, he didn't talk about it ANYMORE...... so, what do you think? Should I go there next weekend even if he doesn't talk about it during the week and doesn't seem excited about it?

[beandel]

I think the issue with you and his parents may have bothered him more than he is letting on (even if he has expressed it to you once before). Family can be important to people and if he has expressed it as having bothered him then it seems that in his case they indeed are. When something happens that affects the balance between the one he loves romantically and his family who he has known all his life there may be extra pressure on him.

He would probably want things to go back to normal and the two let downs (in terms of you visiting)before may have exacerbated the situation with regards to how he was feeling when he vented to his parents. This, in turn, may influence his not asking you to visit.

I suggest you go back to the root- perhaps the argument you had with him in the first place at their house- has that been resolved? His venting to his parents shows that after you left/at the end of the argument he was not feeling appeased.

Start there and then move on to addressing the issue with the argument happening at his home- ask him how he felt about that himself and try to work on a solution for the future- as in- what are the new expectations with regards to disagreements at his home? Maybe you can decide to postpone those until you are alone or stepping out for a walk to discuss it outside of the home.

Then tackle the other issues like how you are feeling after that has happened (him talking to his parents) and what you expect for the future. Keep in mind to address your FEELINGS and not what he may have done wrong.

Lastly tackle the lastest issue with regards to him asking to see you. If you are still in a relationship it means he hasn't yet given up. Sometimes despondency(his lack of asking) can just be a result of harboring resentment or unsolved issues.

Address them all (maybe not all at once or if you are used to long discussions then fine) and then see how you two can move forward. I think giving you both a chance to vent from the beginning to the end of these issues would help your entire situation.

 

Communication is key.

 

Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

Why do you think he's lying and cheating? To me, that is the most important problem here. Him not being overly enthusiastic about you visiting is a symptom of the underlying issues.

 

I think the past experience has probably soured him a bit. His parents may also be putting pressure on him not to welcome you back with open arms. Do they have a reason to be concerned? What was the nature of the fight his mom overheard? It may have impacted him more than he lets on.

 

Ultimately, no, I don't think you should go there until these other problems have been addressed. It will be awkward for everyone if there's so much tension. You're focusing your attention on the less important issue - the most critical problem is the insecurity and apparent lack of trust. That needs to be tackled before anything else.

[marycc]

Why do you think he's lying and cheating? To me, that is the most important problem here. Him not being overly enthusiastic about you visiting is a symptom of the underlying issues.

 

I think the past experience has probably soured him a bit. His parents may also be putting pressure on him not to welcome you back with open arms. Do they have a reason to be concerned? What was the nature of the fight his mom overheard? It may have impacted him more than he lets on.

 

Ultimately, no, I don't think you should go there until these other problems have been addressed. It will be awkward for everyone if there's so much tension. You're focusing your attention on the less important issue - the most critical problem is the insecurity and apparent lack of trust. That needs to be tackled before anything else.

 

I made other threads where I talk about my lack of trust and explain why... You can check them

[justwhoiam]

I don't get one thing: why the only option to meet him is if you go there where he lives? Is he 15? I don't get it.

 

He should man up and come to you. How come that is not even in the picture?

[marycc]

He comes here to visit me as well. We decided that we would do our visits by "turns"... now it was my turn, his is October 31. He was here September 8. He actually asked about coming here, but I told him no, because it's unffair for him to spend more money than me (he spend most of his summer here, I actually haven't gone there since May) and I also don't want his parents to think it's always him coming here...so I really have to go there before October 31.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've just read some of your past threads about this relationship. You should have mentioned earlier there was some context here, because this will help posters give better feedback.

 

I think you are manufacturing problems and projecting your extreme insecurity on to him. I don't mean to be unkind, but based on your posting history, you have a lot of emotional turmoil you need to sort through before you can be in a healthy relationship. From my standpoint, you are so anxious and insecure that you will seek out the bad and magnify problems to confirm your worst fears so that you can avoid intimacy and thus the potential of getting hurt. I'm no psychiatrist, but that's my take. It's exhausting for you, and I can guarantee it's exhausting for him. That could be the real reason why he's no over-the-top excited about the prospect of a visit. You are in a negative thought pattern and this guy can't do right by you. Kind or neutral gestures (from him) are met with suspicion and fear, and thoughts of breaking up. A relationship can't survive that way. You are now seeing the effects of this toxic cycle.

 

I understand that life hasn't been easy for you. You have definitely been dealt an unfair hand in many ways. But now that you're an adult, you must learn to find ways to cope. Have you entered counseling? That should help to address the effects the abuse has had on you. I would suggest you begin counseling immediately, for your own benefit. Keeping up this pattern of insecurity and (I believe) unfounded accusations will eventually result in the end of the relationship. I dated a man like this - every compliment i paid him, every nice thing I did was questioned to death and my intentions were constantly scrutinized. Heck, even things I didn't do were questioned. I finally got so tired of it that I walked away. I don't intend to heap all the blame on you either. I am sure he could be contributing in a more positive way, but since we don't know his side of the story, I can only comment on what I view as your role in this.

[TigerLilly78]

He comes here to visit me as well. We decided that we would do our visits by "turns"... now it was my turn, his is October 31. He was here September 8. He actually asked about coming here, but I told him no, because it's unffair for him to spend more money than me (he spend most of his summer here, I actually haven't gone there since May) and I also don't want his parents to think it's always him coming here...so I really have to go there before October 31.

 

 

Compromise is a very good thing but some times it means also finding other ways to make things work. Ive found with parents you ether fly or flop right from the first meeting. Sure if your significant other decides to stay with you despite their dislike of you most of the time they will be civil but you will never be fully excepted.

 

And some times trying to force the issue will only make the situation worse! In this case I think him coming to you would be the best option unless there is some reason you need to go to his house. IE you are invited for a family function holidays or so on.

 

I would be focusing on working on you relationship now more then dealing with his parents at all on any level. If you want to offer him some gas money to make things more even then go for it. But if things are starting to strain with the parents just step back and take the time to strengthen your bond more to try and compensate for that shortcoming with in your relationship.

..

[marycc]

Sometimes his parents ask him when will I visit them, and I know that they usually ask about me/how I'm doing, so maybe they are also trying to get along with me... ? I don't know

[justwhoiam]

Stop overanalyzing. I think in a couple, no one should worry about things being equal, until it is a real problem. That means: unless one of you is taking advantage or exploiting the other. Which is not your case.

 

I never count who paid for what. We are just spontaneous in what we do. Once I paid in a café when he was at the bathroom, thinking we could speed up the breakfast time and have more time to do other things. He paid for me in a shop because he had more cash. He paid for lunch, I paid for a museum. I mean, we do not think over who's paying what, as you would do between husband and wife. We treat it like "our money" and not as "your money" vs "my money".

 

I wouldn't like someone counting my pennies or telling me "now it's your turn because I paid last time".

 

Can't you be more relaxed? Enjoy spending time with your boyfriend. You don't feel like going there right now. Take your time. Let another month go by. Let him come to you. When you're together in person, you can talk about you feeling a bit uncomfortable in his house for the reasons you explained here. He can then reassure you or tell you what's going on in his family or what they really think. Maybe you can go there in November.

 

Anyway, canceling a trip because you're in a bad mood about Fall weather is not serious. Try to be more consistent in your behavior. If you make plans, don't cancel them last minute.