other woman/drugs/love and a baby

[lda12124u]

This is my 3rd time posting on here, about the same man. I have so much to say, but it would take too long, so i'll try to break it down a little. I was with a married man, had a baby with him our son will be 1 this Friday. Him and his wife have this relationship where they both see other people, but like everyone says they always go back to the wife, well he has been back with me for 11 months, by the way wife lives in Virginia I live in Massachusetts. So this is my turn, well it was because I put him out Tuesday. We both just recently got cell phones, and he doesn't know how to check his voice mail, so one day i checked it, and heard a message from his wife saying "I just called to say I love you", that is the same thing he says to me when he calls me at work, so i put 2 and 2 together and said well obviously he talking to her again, I asked him to call her, and tell her not to leave messages on his phone like that and that we don't appreciate it, he told me to call her, i said why do i need to call it's ur wife, so he said he didnt want to get in the middle whatever, so i said give me the number, after asking for 1/2 hour he finally gave it to me, so i called and left a message on her cellphone she called back, and when he so nicely and politely asked her not to leave messages she replied with i didnt leave no message, and he then said oh. Then he came to his senses and said "u didn't leave a message saying i just called to tell you i loved you?" and she said oh that was the other day. anyhow while he was on the phone I said and tell her you don't feel the say way, he looked at me while still holding the phone to his mouth and said dont tell me what to say.

 

After that he was mad at me for 2 days not speaking to me or anything, so i said to him that you are not mad because i listened to ur voicemail you are mad because i heard the message. So i just started thinking about all the things he has done to me"if you read my other post you will know some of them, but here is one, he took me to Virginia to meet his mother and kids, we went for a week vacation, after three days he left me at his mothers house and went back to his wife, his sister drove me 14 hours all the way back to Mass, i was 2 months pregnant and we went down on the Greyhound. So anyway i put him out I still love him yes, but he has a snorting coke problem, and though i don't like it, i put up with it, now i'm finding out that he is using crack, from a friend who's husband is supposedly doing it with him. This friend told me that i should go get him, from the building where he is staying because he is in a rooming house where they is nothing but drugs, and addicts at. So i called him to see how he was, he just yelled at me, and said he is good. I called him again,and he basically told me not to call him unless it has to do with our son and he hung up again, so icalled him back this time he didn't answer, so i checked his voicemail again, there were 3 messages this time, one from his wife yelling and saying that he dont have to come home she aint gonna force him, and that she got rid of her friend like he asked her to and he has another woman. So that is telling me he was talking to his wife about coming home. the other 2 messages were from a woman here she sound like a crackhead saying honey im downstairs if you dont come down in 20 minutes im leaving, the other one said sorry i missed ur call i was in the shower, ill call you back if you dont answer im not coming over. I didnt tell him i listened to his vociemail again, but i asked him if he was seeing someone and first he said he was in the process of finding someone, so i said fine, then before we hung up he said yeah i am, so i told him to have fun with the crackhead,anyhow my sons birthday party is going to be on Saturday,and he will be there, i dont know how to act. everyone is telling me give it a month because he is going down, i was his backbone, but with me gone, i am going to see the true him, and to just let him fall, but i dont want to see him fall he is my sons father. Now he is not speaking to me at all, he is very nasty to me, and i've been nothing but a good woman to him i put him out for a reason he doesnt understand, I'm am tired of being second to his wife who is 14 hours away and still has this control over him. please any advice anyone has good, bad,lectures or anything i will read them all. Thanks in advance

[d'Arthez]

I am not going to lecture you.

 

Try to look at the facts. He has a wife and you. He keeps the ties strong with the both of you, so he can chose with which woman he is going to spend his time. That is something you should not be happy about.

 

The telephone incident suggests it is not the open marriage you thought it was. It seems you expect more from him, than he is willing to offer you.

 

The fact that he is on drugs, does not bode too well either. I don't know if he has a job, and if he is able to keep it, but it could signify a lot of problems, if he is still into coke, or other drugs.

 

You have a son, but he deserves more than a part-time father. A part-time father is worse in many ways to no father at all, especially if he keeps on moving between Virginia and Massachusetts. It makes no sense to any kid to see their father every day for a year, and then never in the following year.

 

He won't magically improve his ways, or drop his wife for you and your son. He has to make up his mind, about who he wants to be with. Personally I feel, he does not sound as a very good man for you. But that is your call.

 

First you must ask yourself if you want to be with him in the first place. In this post I have seen a few concerns. Until you have that sorted out, you cannot follow a course of action clearly.

[lda12124u]

Yes he is working,actually this is the longest he has ever been with me and held a job down, but he doesn't give me any money, if i get something from him i have to pay it back, becasue i would find myself giving him money even though he makes more than me, but when i needed some money i coulod never get it from him. I am trying to forget about him and just stay focused on raising my son, but i don't want to do it by myself again.

[MsMree]

and whomever can make his life manageable so he can use w/o paying any consequence is the one he'll gravitate toward.

 

IMHO, the drug use is a more serious problem - and i am a staunch proponent of lett'g him fall.

 

i am going to see the true him, and to just let him fall, but i dont want to see him fall he is my sons father

 

With no one to pick him up, he'll have to do it himself - a person can wallow in destructive drug use for a long time - if you help him "hit a bottom" by not being there for him he has a better chance of recovering.

 

I know this is an OW forum, but like i stated, i think the main problem is the coke .

[d'Arthez]

If you are in a relationship with him, it is of course reasonable to expect from him to help you, especially now you have a son together. If you need the money, and he has it, and he won't give some to you, that is a strong indicator you should not be with him. He will be spending the money as he pleases, probably on drugs.

 

The drugs are a serious problem. It will / has take(n) over his life, and there is little you could do about him.

 

So the best thing you could do, is make him fall, as MsMree pointed out. If he is willing to make sense out of his life, he needs to do just that.

Maybe he will be crawling back to you, and maybe to his wife. Either way, you don't have to put up with all of his personal cr*p. You cannot heal him.

 

The man is not too healthy to be in a relationship with. And as hard as it may seem, it is better to raise your son alone, with a loving and caring mother, than to raise your son together, with you feeling very unhappy, and he addicted on coke.

[newby]

this man is not responsible enough to be a father, he cant even manage being a husband. he sounds like he needs to have back up plans all round so he always has someone to take care of him. he cant take care of a baby if he cant even take care of himself. you may think that you dont want to raise the baby alone but if you keep him around you will just be looking after another kid, its draining and you will feel more and more dependent.

i know it gets lonely doing it alone but really if you get this guy out of your life it will give you the chance to find a decent guy that can be supportive. you need a partner you need somebody strong enough to support you.

good luck xx

[lda12124u]

MsMree, thank you for the post, I have decided to just let him fall, and i know that he feels right now that his love for coke is stronger than his love for me. I am tired of being his other mom, also im 30 and he is 42

[lda12124u]

d'Arthez thank you also for your words of wisdom, I seem to have very low self esteem, and most of it comes from being with him. So i am going to move on and take this one day at a time, though i do miss and love him, i know the best thing for me to do is to let him go.

[lda12124u]

Newby thank you for ur input also, i am really feeling the part about being with him is just like raising another child, and i am tired of doing it i have been doing it for 3 years sometimes you just get tired,and thats what i am. I will be posting back here soon enough to let everyone who responded know whats going on, but im pretty sure it will be on a good note, because i don't plan on taking him back, and hopefully when i do post, i would have been able to stand my ground. Thanks again

[whatamidoinghere]

Honey,

I am so sorry you are in this situation... my heart really goes out to you.

 

From past experience, I was involved with a drinker. A heavy one. Although he never beat me, he could get obnoxious.

 

Please DO NOT put up with an addiction, you will never win. I broke things off twice when they got out of hand, I took him back one last time because he wanted to "work" on it. It lasted a month if that. In my book: THREE STRIKES AND YOU ARE OUT! It should actually be two, but people make mistakes sometimes (my mistake) Start to finish this lasted not even a year, and that was more than enough when I look back.

 

This is not your problem to fix or deal with, it is his. They will make up every excuse in the book and justify why they do it. And please decide that you deserve the best for YOUR CHILD, the little one is counting on you - do not expose the child to this sorry excuse of a human being. He is screwing with several people's lives here: yours, his wife's, his children's and his own. You do not have to keep someone around who is always nasty to you. Until he gets help and cleans up, you deserve more.

 

Hang in there.

[lda12124u]

Hi It's me again, well he didnt show up at his sons party which i rented a hall to have for him,everyone was asking where he was i told them he was probably getting high, when i got home from the party i called him and asked him why he didn't come and he said becasue he didnt want to fight with me, that was an excuse. he asked me if i wanted him back,i told him i would never be with a crackhead, he is denying that he smokes crack, but i listened to his messages just one last time, and girl i said sounded like a crackhead verified it on the voicemail i listened to. It's so crazy how i can still love him, and hate him at the same time.

[goldy]

hi ida,

i know it is hard but you cant force him to sort himself out and be responsible, you will just drain yourself and wear yourself out trying. just get on with your life, it sounds like you are doing well and are a good mother. if you preserve yourself now emotionally then you can find a decent man who deserves you while your baby is still young. it is easier when they are younger.

[lda12124u]

Well i messed up, I ended up telling him i had been listening to his voicemail, so he changed the number. Lat night he came to visit his son whom he hasnt seen in 2 weeks whom also has the chicken pox. My plan was to leave while he was there, but i couldn't we started talking about what went wrong, he still denying using crack, anyhow I ended up sleeping with him last night, and it was good, he told me he loved me and missed me, but that we both needed time away. He is talking to someone casue he wouldnt answer his cell phone while he was there. Am i crazy?

[whatamidoinghere]

No you are not crazy, you love him still. And it's hard, he is the father of your child.

 

No matter how we try to rationalize things, we won't let go until we've had enough. When you have finally had enough, you will know and that will be the end of it. It doesn't matter how many people tell you not to do something. They can offer advice, some you can take, some you can't. When you reached your limit, you will know and then that's it.

 

In my situation, it should be easy for me to leave because we just started and nothing serious has happened- if I was super smart, I'd tell him not now. He claims to be miserable in his situation, he's not married but still...

 

I love talking to him and shooting pool and just going out to have a good time with him. We don't do anything crazy. I set boundaries and he is respecting them thus far. I should tell him to contact me when he gets his situation straightened out, I am having a hard time telling him that when I am enjoying his company minus the physical stuff, which he does not push.

 

Beating yourself up won't do any good. Just focus on your child.

[lda12124u]

Well he just called me at work, and said that we cant make love anymore, because it would mess with him emotionally, he was supposed to come back tonight, he ended the call with i will pick up my son on Saturday and keep him allnight, so i text message him, telling him that if he didnt want me he would not have slept with me last night, and that i now he still loves me, and i could feel the love while i was with him, waiting to hear from him again......