Friend/Ex passed away

[Allie3232]

Some advice is needed. My first love and at one time best friend passed away 5 years ago. Around the anniversary of his death I connected with his mother through FB. We've chatted several times and we have both discussed getting together sometime. I haven't written to her in a few months because frankly I feel awkward about meeting with her due to the fact that he and I weren't on best terms when he passed.

I felt odd at his visitation and only stayed a couple minutes. I completely skipped the funeral and mourned at home. He was a very complicated person and we went back and forth for 7 years dating and trying to remain friends. While we were on one of our "not speaking to each other" moments, he met someone. He backed out of our circle of childhood friends (we grew up together) and got married and had a couple children. Out of respect for his new life I kept my distance, even though there were opportunities to see each other.

Before he passed he was trying to get reconnected with our cirlce of friends. All this time has gone by and I carry guilt for not clearing the air. His widow has since moved on, remarried and had other children. I'm married now and have children. Life goes on...Should I meet with his mother? She was so grateful to know I visit his grave every couple years.

[Survivor12]

Were you close to his mother when you dated? Did you maintain contact after he died? If not, I don't really understand the purpose of getting together with her now. It's not like you were a part of his life in the last few years and are grieving his loss. As you say, life goes on...so my advice is to focus your attention on your husband, family & friends.

[Ronni_W]

Allie,

I get that you are carrying guilt, but it is for normal course of life events and experiences. That is, there really isn't any burden of guilt that you need to carry about it...as long as you are ready and willing to lay down the burden.

 

Your relationship with his mother ought be predicated on whether or not you can give up your own thoughts and feelings ("story") about it having been a "complicated" relationship between you and him.

As his parent, she will be looking to connect with people who can bring to life, for her, his positives that he demonstrated and also the POTENTIAL positives that he would have made manifest IF he had lived long enough.

 

It would be okay to talk about him being "complicated"...in a positive and kind and humourous way. If you can do that, then you will be doing a kind and compassionate thing for her...offering that 'service', if you will.

I'm not sure what you will be getting in exchange, though. I would want to carefully consider that before proceeding.

 

It is also perfectly okay to just fade-out your contact with her. Maybe you just start doing it at Thanksgiving and Christmas (or whatever)...and then just Thanksgiving OR Christmast...and then just nothing at all. Let it just seem to organically fade. If you do that, also nothing about which to feel guilty.

[preraph]

The only possible thing his mother could find valuable talking to you is only if you share good memories. It is certainly not appropriate to share bad ones. They will not be well received. I can't know if talking to his friends on the anniversary saddens her more or makes her feel better. But I do think she has other people, his family, to fill that need, whatever it is. I think you'd do well to bow out. If she misses you, let her be the one to contact next time.

[Tayla]

Its okay to keep in touch. those who grieve togather, also celebrate the life of the one departed.

parents do not get "OVER" losing a child no matter what the age.

 

As someone that lost a family member, we welcome anyone who shares stories or shows regard for that life lost . Its when they "move" on and pretend it didnt happen that the hurt returns.

 

Comfort the parent, respect the memory.