When You Suspect Infidelity In Your Marriage

[jmargel]

Like I said before the only way to win the game is to not play it. I'm sorry but she has put you into this game. You are more concerned about catching her cheating (when your instinct is telling you she is) then making a stance about how she is treating you.

 

MC is not going to push her away. It's obvious there are problems. MC will give her the avenue to open up finally about everything. I'm going through my own problems as well, but personally even I wouldn't put up with this. If it was me, I would give her tough love. Give her the ultamatium of either trying to save this marriage by going to a MC or move out. You have nothing to lose by going to one, she apparently does.

[NiceGuyMojo]

I found this site (http://www.willingspirits.com/intro.htm)) which describes the phases of an affair. She seems to be in the last stage with depression type symptons? The feelings for the other person are still quite strong which is described as losing someone close to you.

 

You're right, she won't go to a MC because she will be discovered. She works in the field of Mental Health so she knows a MC will pick up on this right away during the first session. That's why she is avoiding it. I don't have any simple physical contact with her initiated by me where she doesn't fly off the handle except for hello/good-bye pecks on the cheek. I call it pretend affection like everything is OK. She sleeps in bed (now) like a cliff hanger on the edge of the bed with no contact. As soon as I leave to go potty, she is in the middle of the bed?

 

It seems like she wants a reason to be always mad at me all the time. When I take away any reason to be mad at me, she wants to pick a fight and invent one? Go figure! I done being mad and moving on with my life which she sees. It's part of her guilt feeling she still has. Her thoughts are lets see what happens tommorow and take it day by day. Not mine! (i think she needs time and space to adjust but I'm not particapating) She has to step up to the plate or I move on with or without her which she was told. This was my ultamatium.

 

j

[whichwayisup]

NGM it sounds like she is has no real intention of stopping whatever it is she is doing.

 

She has to step up to the plate or I move on with or without her which she was told. This was my ultamatium

.

 

How did she react when you told her this? I think she has to leave the house. Let you stay there with the kids. Don't budge on this one either. SHE is the one who is doing something wrong, not you.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

How did she react when you told her this? I think she has to leave the house. Let you stay there with the kids. Don't budge on this one either. SHE is the one who is doing something wrong, not you.

 

 

Her reaction was to pretend not to hear me or at least acknowledge what I said. She heard me all right... because I made it perfectly clear and it registered with her! (That's how she reacts when she doesn't want to talk about something sensitive) Just pretends ignore me.

 

We had a short intense argument the other night where she flew off the handle (again) in rage with her bottled up anger. She flew out with comments like I AM NOT CHEATING on YOU! etc.... then she finally asked the most logical (normal) question yet, why do you THINK I'm cheating on you? Told her because YOU are not acting normal in a very calm manner! WOW! Did that stop her dead in her tracks! Not another word from her after that. Guess what she is trying to do NOW? Act normal maybe? She's doing a GOOD job!

 

 

Still catching her in lies almost constantly but have stop confronting her. Don't know when she is telling the truth anymore. She will be overly nice to me in front of the kids one moment (now) and the next minute spits fire (rage) out of her mouth in private. A couple weeks ago there was over $1100 cash withdrawn from ATMs within a 6 day period. No receipts, extra cash in her purse or anything purchased? Normally uses a Debit Card for purchases which she also did during this period too? Haven't asked her about it yet until the paper statement comes in. Everything seemed normal except for the accountability of her time while at work which I can't track. Found out she is raiding the kids Piggy-Banks too for money ($300) when they came to her and asked where "their" money was? "Go ask your Father" which immediately asked her about it. She denied taking the money and said she would pay it BACK since it was missing? Huh...? Someone had given me an expensive coffee table book signed by the Author/Artist a couple years ago. The other morning I find the book out near the front door under her purse. Strange....so I asked her about it? She wanted to give the book to someone at work because she thought I didn't like it and they would love it? OK? Told her the book was NOT hers to give and she needed to ask me first...."Well"

 

 

Here's a good one. Before the holiday weekend on Wednesday she calls me at 8:30 PM and tells me she's "working late" that she is on her way home? Huh? Three and One Half hours AFTER the fact when asked about it! Well... I was busy trying to catch up on work and had this problem... BS! Turns out the next morning (when asked) she is off from work on Thursday too! "Well..." Then Friday morning comes around and she's off again! (when asked) "well... I thought I told you" BS again! Then my Son tells me he knew about it since Tuesday and laughs! Told her I didn't buy her story and next time when you LIE to me, tell me something believable! Both kids had activies planned with the in-laws Thursday and Friday overnight. Was she "planning" on going to work as usual or was the risk factor too high? This is a example of her lies and deception.

 

 

If anyone would like to learn more about lies and deception, here is a good resource with many links:

http://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=287562

 

 

jmargel wrote: Like I said before the only way to win the game is to not play it.

 

I believe what you are saying jmarge and this is working. Sometimes when you're caught up in the situation emotionally it's hard to think objectively. I have started to work on me and not play HER game. Yes, she is trying to bing me into play but I'm not going there! Sometimes the air gets so thick you can slice it. Having just one problem now with your advise. I feel like I'm starting to distant myself from her both physically and emotionally. I'm afraid that I may reach a point of no return with her which defeats the purpose. Do I really Win in the end?

 

She is seeing the changes taking place. It eats her up when we lay in bed together night after night and there is NO contact. It eats her up (recently) when in public when she makes displays of affection and I don't touch her back. It eats her up when I don't kiss her good-bye in the morning but instead let her walk out the door. I'm not being mean, cold or unkind but just preoccupied with moving on. I have lost some weight and getting my muscle definition back by working out again. All of sudden it's hitting her like a ton of bricks.

[jmargel]

Continue giving her the cold shoulder, it's how you feel. However this is NOT going to get resolved until you two see a marriage counselor. You'll keep finding hidden secrets from her and she'll continue with the excuses. Do you honestly think one day all of this will disappear? It won't. You two are dealing with the topics and not the main issue at hand. Instead of having good communication she is sneaking things behind your back and you are on constant edge waiting for the next thing to happen. I know how it feels, I am there myself right now. You have no security in your marriage and instead of looking forward to things with her you are expecting only more heartache.

 

It's time to step up and tell her either marriage counseling or to move out. Be stern about this. If she leaves then you know in your heart that she was going to leave in the end anyways. Don't get dragged through the mud anymore. Ask her about the withdrawl of $1,100. That's alot of money. Don't back down be stern about it. Tell her you want receipts of what was purchased. Give her a deadline to decide on what she wants to do. Today is Tuesday, give her a deadline of Friday. If she choose not to goto counseling and work things out (remember no excuses) then she has to leave this weekend.

 

She has you wrapped up in this game if you know it or not. Nothing has changed for the past few months regarding your situation because you haven't made her FACE the consequences what she's doing. This money is going somewhere, she's at the point from stealing from her kids? I would get that money out and put it in your OWN account before she does that herself. When she goes to withdrawl money and finds the account closed then she KNOWS you mean business.

 

She is acting like a child so treat her like one. Let her throw her tantrums but remain FIRM on the counseling or else. Call her bluff, make her FACE what she's been doing. Otherwise this will only get worse. She's treating you the way you are allowing yourself to be treated. Is this how she became attracted to you, when you two met? By letting her walk all over you? I doubt that, so why do you think what you are doing is going to work? It's not. Read the book 'Love must be tough'. Yes it will get a little big uglier when you demand this ultamatium and an answer, but after that is over things will get better either one way or another.

 

You are already pushing yourself away from her in alot of ways. The foundation you two have in this marriage is slowly being eroded away. It's time for some help from a third party. Trust me it's the best thing you can do here.

[NiceGuyMojo]

It's time to step up and tell her either marriage counseling or to move out. Be stern about this. If she leaves then you know in your heart that she was going to leave in the end anyways. Don't get dragged through the mud anymore.

 

 

Well jmargel... gave her a deadline but I upped the Stakes! Told her to tell me what's going on and/or what happened and then threw in the Friday deadline to tell me. That caught her off guard. Said I need to KNOW so WE can move on with our lives because I am NOT living this way anymore! You're right, we are running around in circles not getting anything resolved. I figured if the stakes were upped then marriage counseling would look like an easy out for her.

 

The Friday night deadline was almost over deciding to go to sleep let her cook another day when she went off like a time bomb. We hadn't argued at all since I gave her the ultamatium. Our 7 year old daughter came in and stood on the bed telling us to stop arguing! It upset her. She called her sister to pick up our daughter and we continued after she was gone. The Divorce word flew freely and so did her lies to the point where she told me I said to our daughter to get the F off the bed scaring her? Never happened! Said she wanted ME to leave and made at stack of clothes up? Told her I hadn't done anything wrong AND for HER to leave! Said she was going to call the Police so I handed her the phone and said for what? Arguing? Call them!

 

She quickly ran out of ammunition to shoot at me so she started making things up and more lies flew. I addressed her lies and deception (catching her) while she address my anger toward her. Finally told I was going to bed in MY BED. Noooo you're not... she said. Told her good-night. Later she came to bed when she could have slept anywhere else in the house. I was thinking I might have pushed her (away) too far and could be facing divorce?

 

The next morning didn't know what to expect figuring it's over and we're going to have another round. She tells me I need to see someone about my anger and quit being mean to her, not QUIT ACCUSING HER of cheating which is what this is all about. She is playing Victim with me. My interpretation of "Being Mean" is about the guilt she feels and nothing else. I agreed to seek (professional) help which will open the door to a MC for both of us. That night she wants sex? Go figure...

 

 

 

She has you wrapped up in this game if you know it or not. Nothing has changed for the past few months regarding your situation because you haven't made her FACE the consequences what she's doing.

 

After thinking about what you said jmargel, this is sounding more like a control issue.and feel as if I'm being played. How do I MAKE her FACE the consequences unless she is caught COLD in the Act? I have come to the conclusion she will not leave nor divorce me is what I think unless CAUGHT outright! If I move out, this could be considered abandonment. Could lose half the house. She is done her homework too and has access to a lot more (free legal) resources than I do.

 

Discovery (I feel) is critical at this point unless I want to be a door mat the rest of my life..

[Owl]

So what has she said when you confronted her with her lies?

 

Have you asked her directly about the missing money, missing time, lies, etc???

 

When you gave her the Friday deadline, did you tell her exactly WHAT you expected to hear from her ( that you know she's doing SOMETHING, and you need to know exactly what that is)?

 

What's your plan now that Friday is past and you STILL don't have any answers?

[jmargel]

Nope, keep pushing the issue. Tell her it's MC or divorce. Don't you leave that house at all. When your daughter is around don't agrue, let your wife know this. In fact, try not to argue although I know it's hard not to. Press her on all the things you've found out about what's happened. About the money missing, by the treatment you've been getting, about it all.

 

Don't let up on this because if you do your words are not going to mean anything to her, just empty threats. Most states are non-fault states so you can just divorce for 'unresolvable differences'.

 

You are not going to discover anything, she has most things pretty well covered so you have to make her answer to the things that you found out about. It's not a control issue for her to face what she's been doing to you. It's called showing respect and honoring your vows. Don't let her play that game with you, if she even mentions that word, stop her right then & there. Keep the discussion focused on what she's done to you, it's a defense mechanism that she'll deploy.

 

You let one date slip, come home tonight, talk to her. Tell her that you've given her a few more days since Friday and that you need an answer. She'll throw her tantrum but don't play into that. Just say I need a yes or no answer and that if she refuses to give you one, that you take it as a no. Tell her this isn't about 'finding out' what she did or didn't do, but to help you both fix what's wrong. That this can't be accomplished without a third party (counselor).

 

Right now you have her in a spot that she hasn't been in, don't stop now. Keep it up, things will get resolved. Hang in there, right now is the scariest part.

[whichwayisup]

Niceguy, I had to read your post afew times. I am totally stunned. I can only imagine wtf you feel, holy crap! What is in her head!

 

Stand by your guns, don't give in - She wants to divorce, SHE leaves you, the house and your daughter. Otherwise MC. I am parroting what JM and Owl have said too. And defintately find out what happened to that gift certificate too!

 

I think this was suggested before, hire a PI. Get a friend to follow her around. It seems in her mind whatever it is she is doing - She isn't going to admit or even allow a thought into her head it's wrong - UNTIL she is caught.

 

Maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer, and definately let her know you're doing that too. Put it on her - All of it can stop if she comes clean as basically what she is doing to you right now is WORSE than not admitting whatever it is that she's doing.

 

Hugs to you, and hang in there.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by Owl

So what has she said when you confronted her with her lies?

 

Have you asked her directly about the missing money, missing time, lies, etc???

 

When you gave her the Friday deadline, did you tell her exactly WHAT you expected to hear from her ( that you know she's doing SOMETHING, and you need to know exactly what that is)?

 

What's your plan now that Friday is past and you STILL don't have any answers?

 

 

Owl, She just gave more BS basically. Tell more lies to cover previous lies then turns into something in which the lies contradict what was said. She doesn't know Up from Down at this point.

 

Not about the missing money YET. The other stuff , Sure! She lied point blank with (poor) excuses to cover .

 

Never told her what was going to happen but left it open ended. Not knowing is the worst fear someone can have.

 

The answers will come. Just depends on how long I'll will wait for them?

 

 

 

jmargel,

 

I've got 90% of the (my) arguing under control but am TEACHING her how to respond. She's learning quickly to respond by giving more beleavalble (lies) answers everyday. I'm teaching her but NOT catching her. She needs to be busted cold! She brings her family in to cover up as a diversion which creates more tension and problems with the kids like when my daughter who was picked up the other night by her sister. Any SANE and CARING Mother would have diverted the situation with a 7 year old, NOT create one! This sends up RED flags big time!

 

This sends me back to basics that she's hiding something? I understand this is a defense mechanism that she'll deploy but how do you make it work. She is also manipulating my behavior or at least trying to

 

 

 

 

All of it can stop if she comes clean as basically what she is doing to you right now is WORSE than not admitting whatever it is that she's doing.

 

whichwayisup,

Hell will freeze over before she (any cheater) admits to anything unless flat out caught. Thats a Fact!

 

What I have figured out is the the only way to PLAY is Not TO.. Take ME which is one key in the equation and this takes the secrecy out of the affair, then it's basically over. No more hiding the affair because its exposed.

[Ladyjane14]

I have to admit....I'm just shocked at how this woman is convicted on charges of infidelity with so little evidence.

 

Like everyone else, I'm perplexed by some of the weird behavior....disappearances of money, the stolen gift certificate.... But NiceGuyMojo has been REALLY LOOKING for confirmation of cheating, and after three months hasn't found the snake in the woodpile.

(Hell, most people don't need three whole days once they've got their antenna up.)

 

She's either innocent....or she's really, REALLY good at cheating.

 

I still think that the 'tie goes to the runner', and it makes matters worse to convict without giving benefit to doubt.

 

But that's just me.

[whichwayisup]

Well if she isn't cheating (But I do believe she is, now whether it's male or female, not too sure about that one) she's definately DOING SOMETHING WAAAY WRONG. Why else is she doing this, putting her husband through hell? Putting her child through this too? Just makes NO sense to me and my mind can't wrap around this.

 

You're right LJ, there isn't alot of physical evidence of an affair...But there is "something" happening. She's playing a game of some sort and maybe not well in the head at times.

 

Niceguy, I tried to PM you with a thought I had and I wanted to share with you, but your PM isn't working ?

 

Ah well, I do hope things get settled sooner rather than later. You can only take so much of this s*** before you throw in the towel and kick her out!

 

Hell will freeze over before she (any cheater) admits to anything unless flat out caught. Thats a Fact!

 

What I have figured out is the the only way to PLAY is Not TO.. Take ME which is one key in the equation and this takes the secrecy out of the affair, then it's basically over. No more hiding the affair because its exposed.

 

I guess I don't understand her thinking what she is doing is fine and dandy. I agree, I'm sure most would deny till they get caught but in your wife's case she KNOWS you're on to her and it's only a matter of time before that big secret, whatever it is, comes out....Either by her admitting it to you, or you stumbling onto it by accident or if you hire a PI to follow her.

 

Going on holidays for 2 weeks in couple of days, so I will make sure to read up on your thread when I'm back.

 

Take care of yourself and your child.

[jmargel]

NiceGuy,

 

Like I said she is giving more lies to cover up what she's doing, in hindsight she has you into the 'game'. She is playing head games with you. You now have the decision on whether you really want a marriage like this. That's why I am saying to STICK to your guns, keep the ultamatium. The ONLY way you will get the truth here is by following that. Nothing short of that will make any difference to her. All she knows is that she can just give you more BS and you'll sit there eating it even though you grumble about it. When it comes down to it, she gets to do what she is doing while living under your roof.

 

This is where you have to be willing to walk away. I use this analogy and most women don't like it, but it works for both sexes. I've been training my German Shepherd and my trainer who is actually known as one of the best along the east coast (and is a well known psychologist) told me to create a deep bond with your puppy you should do the following:

 

Have someone hold back the pup while you call it's name. Let the pup struggle, when released the pup will be coming towards you, just keep running the opposite direction, every now & then calling it's name. You now have a pup who's chasing you and wanting to be beside you. Most of the time when outdoors, a pup will run away from you. If you are ever in a situation where a dog has taken off, don't run after it. Run away from it, calling it's name.

 

This is what you have to do with your wife. You have to be willing to walk away, while telling her now & then that now is the time. Now is the time to make up your mind to come clean with everything, to goto counseling or that it's over. If you search on the net, you can find sample divorce or legal seperation documents. Print one up, along with a paper with some counselors on it. Take it home tonight, put both papers on the table with a note saying: "It has come down to this, I need you to either sign these seperation papers or call one of these numbers for a counselor". "This is something I need for you to do by morning if you don't choose then I am assuming you want to be divorced". Then don't talk to her, don't bring it up. Wait until morning. Then follow through with this. Don't be the boy who cried wolf.

 

Keep the pressure on her, this is the only way she is going to break. You just have to turn the heat up another notch.

[mental_traveller]

If someone does not listen to reason, and will not accept there is a problem, then you simply have to give them an ultimatum. You haven't given one, why? Do you enjoy being a total doormat? You either put up with her behaviour, or you move out and at least separate for a few months. You've tried confronting her and it has not worked - so you just have to make the next move of leaving her (not threatening to, but actually packing your stuff and moving out) or calling a divorce lawyer.

 

If you are happy staying with someone who drives you up the wall, then I hope you enjoy endless stress and emotional trauma, because that's what you'll be getting every day.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I have to admit....I'm just shocked at how this woman is convicted on charges of infidelity with so little evidence.

 

Like everyone else, I'm perplexed by some of the weird behavior....disappearances of money, the stolen gift certificate.... But NiceGuyMojo has been REALLY LOOKING for confirmation of cheating, and after three months hasn't found the snake in the woodpile.

(Hell, most people don't need three whole days once they've got their antenna up.)

 

She's either innocent....or she's really, REALLY good at cheating.

 

I still think that the 'tie goes to the runner', and it makes matters worse to convict without giving benefit to doubt.

 

But that's just me.

 

 

Ladyjane14,

 

I stopped bringing the subject of Infidelity up with her many, many weeks ago because its wrong to accuse falsely without proof. SHE NOW will bring it up saying she is NOT cheating on me. Why, is it guilt? She is either getting very good at lying or she has stopped? My follow-up question is always Then..What Happened? Something Happened... She has gotten extremely defensive in the past when I have ask this question and the red flags flew. An innocent person might ask "why do you think I'm cheating on you" which she finally did last week and my response was because you are not acting like your usual self. She didn't say one word after that like what do you mean?

 

Ladyjane14 you do bring up a valid point that after 3 months of looking, I still have not caught her yet? I see ALL the symptoms but not the ACTUAL problem which could be starring me right in the face all along. Maybe I need to shift my perspective to possibly a same sex affair which could go easily undetected. From what I have researched on Lesbians in their relationships are 90% emotional and 10% physical which could explain a lot. The physical part is maybe 1 or 2 times a month. Thanks for your input.

 

 

whichwayisup, PM is turned on. Can't PM you either.

 

 

 

 

jmargel,

 

I have a puppy about a year old and she got out the other day. Did exactly what you said and she came running back. (laughing)

 

 

This is where you have to be willing to walk away. I use this analogy and most women don't like it, but it works for both sexes.

 

 

Funny you should mention this because I'm starting to feel distant from her where I really don't care what she does anymore. We have done a 360 backward to where we were. Kids are gone most the time and I see her maybe 10% of time during waking hours which means 90% of the time nobody is ever home AGAIN. The thing is I'm not the type of person that goes backward, only forward.

 

(more later)

[whichwayisup]

That's weird cuz I know we PM'd before...Hmmm, maybe you need to post more or something! go around other areas of LS and start replying to other posts get your quota up!

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by mental_traveller

If someone does not listen to reason, and will not accept there is a problem, then you simply have to give them an ultimatum. You haven't given one, why? Do you enjoy being a total doormat? You either put up with her behaviour, or you move out and at least separate for a few months. You've tried confronting her and it has not worked - so you just have to make the next move of leaving her (not threatening to, but actually packing your stuff and moving out) or calling a divorce lawyer.

 

If you are happy staying with someone who drives you up the wall, then I hope you enjoy endless stress and emotional trauma, because that's what you'll be getting every day.

 

 

mental_traveller, Quiting is The Easy Out but what you forgot about most importantly is the Kids involved and the many years of investment into a marriage. Have you read the entire thread?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by NiceGuyMojo

Ladyjane14,

 

I stopped bringing the subject of Infidelity up with her many, many weeks ago because its wrong to accuse falsely without proof. SHE NOW will bring it up saying she is NOT cheating on me. Why, is it guilt?

 

Not necessarily. See, that's the trouble with accusing BEFORE you have proof. Her current attitude toward you could indeed be the product of guilt. But....it could also be a rightous case of Indignation.

 

There's so much emotional distancebetween you that it is pointless to try to get inside her head. You've got to get back to the 'Basics' before you can even begin to understand one another. You're like a bird and a fish trying to comprehend one another....completely abstract to each other's thought processes.

 

It's been said to you many times, but what the heck....I'll say it again... Work on the marriage. Work on the relationship problems. Work on yourself.

 

These things will help you to rebuild the foundation. When trust, honesty, and communications are restored....then you'll have the means with which you will be able to understand and interpret her words and actions.

 

This is why it's a great that you're considering counseling. She need NOT be present for you to start this process. She may, or may not, join you at a later date....but you're going to find yourself better equipped to deal with all of this when you have the support that you need.

 

So, why 'bandy about' ultimatums that you aren't REALLY prepared to back up? Why not start the counseling first, work on the basics, and save the ultimatum as the last resort?

 

Maybe I need to shift my perspective to possibly a same sex affair which could go easily undetected. From what I have researched on Lesbians in their relationships are 90% emotional and 10% physical which could explain a lot. The physical part is maybe 1 or 2 times a month.

 

You've stopped openly accusing her, but you can bet your bottom dollar that she KNOWS you are still thinking it. You may as well have a neon sign installed right on your forehead. She's your wife. She KNOWS you.

 

Why not let it go for awhile? What harm could come of it?

 

If she's cheating....you'll find out eventually. And if she's not, you're doing inestimable damage by continuing to perpetuate the belief that she is. Not only are you doing ACTIVE damage by creating distrust and indignation, but you're doing PASSIVE damage by failing to address the other relationship problems.

 

Imagine, if you will, that you are accused of stealing the 'petty cash fund' at work. You know you didn't do it....but aren't you inordinately sensitive to every possible word or gesture? You know that your co-workers think that you are guilty. Doesn't it effect your perception of EVERYTHING?

 

I'm not saying that she's innocent. There's just no way to tell from this side of the computer screen. But if she's NOT guilty....Man, are you EVER digging a hole!

[whichwayisup]

Great post reply LJ!

 

She may not be guilty of an affair, but she's guilty of something. Why is she being so secretive about her life outside of the house? The phone calls, the getaway's, the damn gift certificate!! (OK that one still makes me curious...) Her general attitude towards her husband. She lying, but what about? An affair with a woman? Or gambling, porn, something is happening because her actions are screaming it.

 

I don't think him accusing her of an affair, and then later it turns out she wasn't will blow up as much as you think. Mostly because she's guilty of SOMETHING and it isn't good.

 

I don't know if I could handle being in a situation like that, not knowing wtf is going on, I'd go insane and that would definately make my anxiety disorder skyrocket as 'not knowing' is a bad combo with anxiety!!

 

Niceguy, hang in there - Good idea of LJ, back off and just go with the flow...Maybe YOU being SO nice to her, letting things slide (make it look like it anyway) will play on her guilt, make her stop and think...

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

 

It's been said to you many times, but what the heck....I'll say it again... Work on the marriage. Work on the relationship problems. Work on yourself.

 

 

Why not let it go for awhile? What harm could come of it?

 

 

Ladyjane14, It takes TWO people to WORK on the marriage and relationship problems. She wants to do neither except resume the same old stuff. I'm working on myself which is all I can do at this point and preparing to move on (mentally) if I have to. My focus has been on her behavior and what I know as fact but am starting to let this go too. What I do know is I'm not going to become her door mat. If she is cheating, you're right, they all do get caught eventually. So why dwell on it when Life too short as it is.

 

When I accused her of cheating she intern accused me of the same. What's the difference? I felt absolutely NO guilt when she accused me because I had not done anything wrong but on the other hand with her the guilt flew. Remember most of this started WITHOUT accusing her. It was her reactions like receiving the thank you card in the mail from the two ladies which created suspicion. The more I looked, the more I found. I wasn't looking to catch the trophy fish, just looking to fill my boat up with the little ones and maybe catch the big one.

 

Early this week she told me she had stopped on her way to work to pick up Dog food. OK... She got to work at 9:30 and her car didn't move ALL day until she left that night. (don't ask how I know) The weird part is the receipt has a time of 09:47 and the pet store is right on her way? OK, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that the register computer time at the pet store was wrong or she sent someone out to get it when she got to work? OR was this what really happened. There must be a logical answer that I'm overlooking? That night when she got home she was acting cranky (short) and the next morning too when I asked her if she was going to the gym. "What's IT LOOK LIKE" Yikes! Asked what's wrong? Then she was all smiles and left.

 

 

jmargel,

 

She is PLAYING a manipulating game. You know how couples can use having sex as a means of reward and punishment to each other? This is what she is doing but not just with sex. Meaning "This is the way I want you to respond to me and not ask me questions about what I do" type things. I don't know what this is called. Behavior training? Its all 100% ME thats doing this (finger pointing) and none of it is HER fault It's all My anger and NOT hers. So I stopped!.

 

Now she gets really POed when I don't engage her in (the start of) arguements and I just agree with her going about my routine. Takes all the energy right out! Now that I'm not participating she has to make things up and/or twist my words to her benefit. By her calling her sister to pick our daughter up the other night when we were arguing was setting the stage for something bigger. She could have easily comforted her and put her back to bed but she didn't! She made a STATEMENT out of it! Saying I told my daughter to get the F off the bed in her face. Never said it and never would! I love BOTH my kids!

 

I think she is more worried about what her family might think at this point

than with me. It has to be MY FAULT if our marriage ends, NOT HERS so she is looking to find reasons.

 

Since she withdrew all the ATM cash (tax refund) out we don't have enough to pay all our bills. We were in the car going out to eat with her sister last week when her sister said "so that makes $500 you NOW owe me" (to my wife) turning BEET RED next to me! "$300 from early this week and another $200 today to cover the water bill on a check that was still outstanding from 3 weeks ago" that she (said later) gave to the same sister to pay the bill in person? Holly Molly was this ever a line a BS and she KNEW IT! And that I KNEW it too! Gave her a quick glance saw the same expression before when she was CAUGHT in the act of telling me lies! Now she is bs-ing her family too! Her explanation was "I Thought... but I guess not.." when another bill came in show a past due amount.

 

She is caught up in something but am almost positive this is not substance abuse as some have mentioned. She will give all the excuses in the world to protect what she is hiding. The past 2 weeks we have had NO money. Somebody is buying her lunch everyday at work or is she borrowing money from her coworkers? She has gas in her car so its coming from somewhere? Even the CCs are max ed.

 

I guess at this point when you reach a stalemate where you keep going round and round never resolving any issues, you simply have to move on. I am not living this way anymore and I refuse to!

[Mz. Pixie]

The money issue is bothering me. Sounds like gambling or drugs.

 

Why did she withdraw all the cash from the ATM????

 

Who controls the money? If it's you how does she justify to you having gas and such??? Perhaps she has held back money for herself for those things??

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

The money issue is bothering me.

 

I'm with Mz. Pixie. Find out where the money is going.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

The money issue is bothering me. Sounds like gambling or drugs.

 

Why did she withdraw all the cash from the ATM????

 

Who controls the money? If it's you how does she justify to you having gas and such??? Perhaps she has held back money for herself for those things??

 

Bothers me too. She is Not the type for gambling or drugs. Hardly drinks plus she works in Senior Management within the Rehab industry. She has few vices except for food. Yes, a bit overweight. I'm not ruling your comment out and will keep it in mind.

 

Here is my best educated guess. Affairs cost MONEY and she likes to give gifts to others is what I know from being married to her. I'm beginning to think she might have a stash of money but not this week. She is relying on other resources of funding such as her sister(s). She controls her own money and am on the one account.

There are more accounts which is not relevant to the situation which she can't touch nor can I.

[Owl]

So what's your plan for setting a deadline for 'coming clean'?

 

Again, IMHO you need to make it clear to her that things are NOT right in your marriage. That you KNOW that she's doing something...she's spending tons of money without working with you on the details, she's being secretive and elusive and aloof, and that you love her and want to work things out.

 

BUT...you can't work things out without knowing exactly what the problem is.

 

So if she can't tell you, if she can't make her part of the effort to fix your marriage, you're going to have to take steps to protect yourself.

 

It's that simple. Even she knows that things aren't right...so she needs to help you to fix them!

 

Again...what's the plan?

[FolderWife]

Gosh, it's been three months! Hire a private investigator already.