When You Suspect Infidelity In Your Marriage

[uberfrau]

[uberfrau]

Yes mojo...when a woman is in her twenties and more clingy and insecure, the man her life resents it. But when she's secure with herself and isn't focused ON THE MAN anymore, he gets worried and wonders if she's cheating. The old catch-22 rears its ugly head again. Men just want some mama they can ignore at will, but who will ALWAYS be there groping after them to bolster their self esteem.

 

if she's taking the kids with to the ranch, i doubt any hanky panky is going on. Unless she's doing the stable boy.

 

And niceguymojo, take mojos advice and poke a barely legal type-that usually satisifes a middle aged guys fear of rejection and loss of self esttem due to a fat belly and lack of hair. But you might have to pay for it.

[sylviaguardian]

Hi NGM,

 

Don't listen to the other 2 posters. You are married to this woman - you have a right to know what is going on. The thread that was mentioned was mine. You can look back over the other posts of mine if you like to see how I ended up where I am tonight (as I asked my H to leave).

 

I too had a funny feeling something was up but it was failry subconscious. When i found a fairly tame text from a woman, bells started ringing. It might sound pathetic to some people, but I have had to dig and dig for 8 months to get the truth. Nobody will understand the emotional strain caused by knowing that the person you love is lying to you.

 

In my case, my very worst nightmare came true. I hope things are different for you, but looking at your posts I would definitely say something is up.

 

Originally posted by NiceGuyMojo

As a matter of fact.... I have many times! She clams up and throws up a wall. Then comes the smoke screen where she covers 7 subjects in one breath and comes back yelling, kicking and screaming.

 

This is exactly what my H did. I asked a question, he 'started' to answer it, then would quickly wander onto several unrealted subjects. Liars do this. The truth is always short and answers the question without leaving a hundred other questions hanging in the air.

 

I try several times to redirect the conversation back to the original subject which is infidelity and she tells me I'm crazy or it's all in your head.

 

My H did this too. What else are they going to say?

 

She also plans to car-pool with someone. What happens if that person stays over Sat night? If I were a betting person I would place everything I had on this one bet!

 

Find out who this person is.

 

Do you love me? Took a long time to get to this point. Her answers were positive and results were good but if she is involved with someone else it has no meaning.

 

My H was always telling me that he loved me. Even now he maintains that he has always loved me, even when he was being masturbated by this person in our car. LOL. Cheaters live in a dual world. They convince themselves that each world is separate and as long as the two never collide, it's OK.

 

I go by what people Do, rather than what they Say in making rational judgment and trust my Gut Feeling, not emotional feeling.

 

I go with this 100%. My husband SWORE on our children's lives that he had told me everything when he said they had hugged a few times. I have been through months of torture with this thing eating away at me. At times I thought I was going insane. If my gut feeling hadn't been so strong, I might have just swallowed it and things would have been 'alright' between us. What could I do? I had no proof, everytime I brought it up, he swore nothing had happened. I got the truth eventually by catching him out on a few things and then everytime he came out with a story I just said "STOP LYING". It's more difficult for you obviously as you don't have any proof at all.

 

I saw her take it flat out!! What the heck does that mean? Does a liar, a thief and infidelity go hand in hand? She lied to me over something Ii would have given her without any questions.

 

Tell her you saw her take it. Ask her what she did with it.

 

 

I told her this morning if there is anything you want to tell me THE TIME IS NOW! (very general and open) Nothing..... Looking for ways to expedite the process to save the marriage and possibly start over if it means this.

 

I said that so many times too. Didn't work. Liars do not admit ANYTHING unless they are forced to.

 

 

Thank You ALL for your replies so much during this difficult time. It's been a Hell-of a- ride so far but by no means is over.

 

I feel for you. I know exactly what it feels like.

 

Syl

[ecco]

Hi NiceGuyMojo

 

You have the patience of a saint.

Do you have the receipt of the GC ?

If you have it check to see if the number of the card

shows on the receipt then call and find out if it was used yet

and what store it was used in. Find out if the store has

surveillance, Now armed with all the info go to her and tell her

that you had a long talk with the DOG and he said it wasn't him

because he doesn't like fly fishing he prefers a PETCO card.

That's just to let her know that you never believed her BULL****

story about the dog. Now let her know why you put that card there

and that you watch her when she took it. She must take you for a joke to

give you answer like "Dog might have stolen it!"

I don't think she takes you serious at all.

You need to think about how long you want to take this mental abuse.

As long as you back down every time she gets a fit you will be in for a long ride.

When you ask her and she starts up, Turn around go outside for 5 minutes come

back in and ask again, Do that a couple of times so that she knows that you are

getting tired and her fits are not going to work any more.

If she doesn't answer your questions when she goes to work the next day

pack her bags put them by the door and when she gets home ask her again.

If she chooses to leave then let her go. As harsh as it sounds your questions will

be answered if not by words then by her actions.

I feel for you my friend and hope all goes well for you

 

I almost broke my keyboard when I read this line, "Dog might have stolen it!":mad:

[Mr Spock]

If she's having an extramarital affair it doesn't look like she's having a lot of success with that relationship either.

 

There are some suspicious things yes, but to me this kind of sounds like she's going bonkers, not so much an affair. And I'm fairly suspicious.

 

 

Find out the root of the problem, but wait until you have more than gut feelings to confront her-if she was developing schizophrenia you'd feel terrible by accusing her of cheating.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by ecco

Hi NiceGuyMojo

 

You have the patience of a saint.

Do you have the receipt of the GC ?

If you have it check to see if the number of the card

shows on the receipt then call and find out if it was used yet

and what store it was used in. Find out if the store has

surveillance, Now armed with all the info go to her and tell her

that you had a long talk with the DOG and he said it wasn't him

because he doesn't like fly fishing he prefers a PETCO card.

That's just to let her know that you never believed her BULL****

story about the dog. Now let her know why you put that card there

and that you watch her when she took it. She must take you for a joke to

give you answer like "Dog might have stolen it!"

I don't think she takes you serious at all.

You need to think about how long you want to take this mental abuse.

As long as you back down every time she gets a fit you will be in for a long ride.

When you ask her and she starts up, Turn around go outside for 5 minutes come

back in and ask again, Do that a couple of times so that she knows that you are

getting tired and her fits are not going to work any more.

If she doesn't answer your questions when she goes to work the next day

pack her bags put them by the door and when she gets home ask her again.

If she chooses to leave then let her go. As harsh as it sounds your questions will

be answered if not by words then by her actions.

I feel for you my friend and hope all goes well for you

 

I almost broke my keyboard when I read this line, "Dog might have stolen it!":mad:

 

No record of the GC but your suggestion is great.. Could very well work if you had a Manager on the inside helping you? The only time companies release information is to Law Enforcement. This store only has 3 locations in the entire state. Great idea! I was just looking to set her up looking to see if she would take the GC and lie about it. She took the bait, hook, line and sinker! My question that keeps popping up is Why would she lie???

 

Many years ago (single) while in college I found myself involved with 3 women at one time by accident. It happened. Two were distant and one was local. Each relationship was at different levels and was only having sex with one who lived out of town but saw the most. As the friendships progressed, it became increasingly more difficult to maintain a quality relationship with each one. I could see it coming where the other two were wanting to have bf/gf relationships and sex. What's ironic is all three had the same first name which was the easy part when they called. I had to pick one. The one I was involved with sexually from out of town.

 

 

For the next two years while I finished College she would drive 4 hours each way, every single weekend! Never missed one weekend in two years and worked a full-time job. This is my Wife. We lived together 5 years after finishing College and finally got married. She finished her Degree after 7 years of taking 1 or 2 classes a semester.

 

I have to now take a back seat ride (I think) to understand and educate myself on infidelity. Then relate back to see how it applies to my situation and to look at things objectively, then (try) to set my emotions off to the side. Most bad guys/girls eventually get caught. Just a matter of time. I found these sites and will explain how difficult it will be but more importantly gives insight to how a cheaters mind works successfully. The sites give cheaters advice on how to have an affair and get away with it. http://www.happyaffair.com, http://www.philanderers.com and http://www.smartaffairs.net

 

 

What I have to understand is who she really is Today! Maybe I have lost contact over the years but I still love her. Have too much of my life invested to close up shop tomorrow (pack her bags) on her plus my kids. Sure, I would like to provoke her into confession so we can move on? It's taking a toll on me. What will motivate her to tell me? According to (stats) what I have read, nothing except being caught Cold Turkey in the act! Something to look forward to...

 

Mr. Spock, thank you for you input. Bonkers yes especially if she is trying to maintain an affair on top of her already high stress level and busy schedule. I would venture to say if she is? She is not having much success either. My suspicion goes back to well over 7 years until now which feels very real and deep down with a gut feeling. Our marriage has exceeded statistics for the average divorce rate almost twice. The probability of an affair increases the longer you are married. Odds are stacked against you. I have been hit on from my next door neighbors, to female bosses, friends of friends and it never ends to this day! I just say no or I'm married. How do you begin to find out what the root problem is?

 

 

Technology is your friend. Found a company that will digitally record and store all phone conversations from a land line, existing or purchased cell number through them. No hardware. How it works is if someone makes any call from or to the assigned number it automatically records and payment is by pre purchasing minutes in the form of a phone card. Cost is $125 for 250 and $179 for 500 minutes to recorded only. Any call made or received is forwarded from an existing number, then back to the the assigned number or is received directly by them if you purchase their cell phone and then is forwarded to you. Conversations are recorded, archived and password protected.

 

Not sure about this because it alerts users if a call is not forwarded from their "existing number" and prompts the user to press keys? Might have to buy their phone with new number and have other features disabled. Waiting for more information.

 

Motorola is introducing a new GPS cell phone this month with Real Time tracking Via the internet. How sweet technology is and just in time! Marketed to parents who want to keep tabs on their children with cell phones for peace of mind? The antenna is a dead give-a-way the phone is GPS equipped made slightly larger and longer with a rectangular shape than normal phones. Expected to be sold at Wal-Mart for $345 plus monthly service fees soon. GPS is an added service. What's nice is the cell phone can be placed inside a car concealed and the technology is brand new. Similar GPS tracking units cost 2k to 5k and 20x the size.

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by NiceGuyMojo

 

What I have to understand is who she really is Today! Maybe I have lost contact over the years but I still love her. Have too much of my life invested to close up shop tomorrow (pack her bags) on her plus my kids. Sure, I would like to provoke her into confession so we can move on? It's taking a toll on me. What will motivate her to tell me? According to (stats) what I have read, nothing except being caught Cold Turkey in the act! Something to look forward to...

 

 

Be very careful here niceguy. This is what I thought too, until I got the confession and realised that I proabably couldn't live with this person. Think very carefully about what you will do it you do find out she is having an affair. believe me, it's not that easy to just put it behond you and move on.

 

Sylvia

[jmargel]

NiceMojo.. Do you really think a marriage is successful when you are looking into these investigation techniques? It's time for an ultamatium. Marriage counseling or seperation. Otherwise you're going to continue to play these head games forrever.

 

She knows how to win these head games with you, however she will lose when she's up against the counselor. That's why she doesn't want to go. This is your ace. Use it.

[whichwayisup]

NiceMojo.. Do you really think a marriage is successful when you are looking into these investigation techniques? It's time for an ultamatium. Marriage counseling or seperation. Otherwise you're going to continue to play these head games forrever.

 

I kinda agree with you JM, but at the same time, he needs to know what is really going on. She is not being honest with him at all and has no intention of telling him anything.

 

I would probably do the same thing, even hire a PI until I knew and got my answers. Not knowing is worse than knowing...

 

You're right though - Pushing her to do MC or leave. Though she should be the one to leave since she's the one who's not there as much anyway.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It could be something as sad and simple as the fact that she doesn't want to be married to this guy, but finds it easier to stay and keep the status quo, than to go and have to start all over again with nothing. I expect the selfish things she does are what she has to do to make life at least tolerable for her on some level. She wants to live according to her own needs and desires, without having marriage get too much in the way of that.

 

Sometimes it is mental illness, sometimes it is emotional crisis, sometimes it is emotional disorders - but sometimes it is just plain old boredom within a relationship that no longer serves any purpose but stability, safety and longevity. Is she seeing someone else? Does it matter? I expect she'd be just as distant and disengaged with or without a lover. Its not a simple matter of someone else distracting her from being engaged and loving in the marriage: it sounds like she's already distracted and disengaged on her own. I expect she feels too old to start over with someone else, but too young to give up and resign herself fully to this marriage and the life this marriage represents to her. You are focusing on the symptoms of a greater problem: even if you exposed and eradicated the possible cheating and lying, she'd still feel this way inside, I expect.

 

I fully agree with the marriage counseling or divorce option: it sounds like you have a "marriage freeloader" on your hands - someone who benefits fully from the security and stability of marriage, but has little or no interest in it outside of that. Can it be reversed into something more mutual and caring? Maybe. Anything is possible. But, you won't know until you are firm about putting the ball in her court.

[Mz. Pixie]

I agree- cheaters will lie up until they just can't get away with it.

 

How do I know? Because I've been one. Not proud of this but I'm saying this to help someone else.

 

Tell her you've called and that the GC was spent. See what her reaction is. She won't know you're bluffing. Gather all the information you can and then bust her- she will be forced to admit it.

 

If she is not cheating it's something like drug abuse or something else wierd.

 

I had a emotional breakdown before my A. I was already unhappy in my marriage and had been trying for three years to get my H to counseling. He wouldn't go. In this period of time I buried both my mother and my grandmother, had a major surgery and we endured alot of financial strain. All of these factors combined with the fact that my husband never stayed home contributed to the A. But, I made the choice to be unfaithful. No one forced me to. It's true that you're not thinking clearly when you're in the midst of this but that's still no excuse.

 

I don't think you're being paranoid- there are things going on you're not aware of I'm sure. Don't take no for a answer this time when you confront her. The dog ate it my xss.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Interesting theory LucreziaBorgia? I hope this is the case! Will keep that in mind as a possibility after I rule out some other things. I like the idea of going to see a MC but if she is involved, it will be a total waste of time is what I feel. Both have to want a marriage to work and be clean from affairs.

 

 

I stopped asking her if she is cheating. This like running into a brick wall with your head. Just alerts her that I'm on to her and probably be more careful in the future.

 

 

Cheaters have to confess of their own free will or be caught flat out, red handed in the act. Even when caught, it better be good proof with a history. The best advise received is to keep quiet and act like everything is OK. Keep upbeat, positive and outgoing. Then proceed. Fake it if you have to and let the rope out to hang herself. My focus is her lying to me which is a fact. If she is lies to me about very small things, what are the big ones?

 

 

Last night I confronted her about the GC which turned into a two hour ordeal late at night. The excuses flew and conversation redirected back many times. Then let her in my little secret she had been set up and saw her take it with my own two eyes.. Deny, deny, deny. Then bluffed her and said the card has "Tracking" on it? A term made up. She grew very silent for a few moments and looked like she had saw a ghost? (Ever watch someone thinking slowly when they don't have an answer)

 

Next words started with "Well"... you take money out of my purse? Yes, I take Our money when you're asleep and I don't't want to wake you up. Don't I tell you? Then started asking Me, was the card just by itself or in a envelope? What color was the envelope? What would I do with a GC from a Fishing Store? I would tell you if I took it. Then decided I had received enough lies for one night. She would not admit it. Even showed her the exact motions which took place. Told her good night

 

The lies (double talk) keep coming! The work Retreat weekend is now scheduled early next month instead of this week? Times have changed for Sat meeting schedule from what she originally told me. When asked about the name of the resort was told don't know but she knows the price of the room, really nice and city? Tells me I can go but now is a maybe?

 

Easter break she is taking our oldest camping (6 hours away) with her sister/husband and the horses for 7 days. She Does Not ride but is going to sit around by herself for a week while they ride every day for 6-7 hours? The best part is I'm not invited! My youngest is going away to the mountains with her other sister? She is at that age where she tells everything. Was told she did not want to go camping. Her is excuse is we can not afford it. What's one more person when you're camping?

 

 

Something is up and it stinks big time! I know where the the big fish are going but if I show up it won't be good. The separation of our kids is a concern along with me not there.

[Ladyjane14]

What is it you're hoping to see in the final outcome of all of this?

 

Lucrezia makes some brilliant points. No matter what else may be going on, there's a huge disconnect in the marriage.

 

Are you hoping to reconcile it? Or are you hoping to end it?

 

Possibly, you might consider taking a goal-oriented approach, and focusing on whatever you final desired out-come may be.

 

In other words, if reconciliation is your goal...then you might start working on the problems in your communications and on fulfilling one another's emotional needs.....thereby building a basis for trust and honesty.

 

If your goal is to end the relationship...then skip all the BS and see a lawyer. Offer up the ultimatum, and get it done. Why spin your wheels?

[ecco]

NiceGuy I'm sorry if I was a little hard on my post when I said

"Pack her bags an put them by the door" I did not want it to sound

like I was telling to give up on your children also. Only you know

how much you can endure before you need more than just a MC.

You must have a hart made of sponge for you to absorb so much

But even a sponge has it limits.

If your plans are to " keep quiet and act like everything is OK" then

you might be in for a longer ride then you expect, Now that she knows

your on to something. Personally the long way is not the road I would take

give to me in one shot and let me get on with the recovering process.

If you find out that she is cheating what will you do next?

Now you will have a lying and stealing issue to deal with.

Has her sister or her husband ask you why you are not going?

Maybe you should speak with them and ask them if they know what's

wrong with her. Try the sisters husband because the ties to your W

are not the same as a sibling. Even if he tells you a little it will be more then

what you know now. Don't give him too much information just let him know

that you love her and are trying help her. I hope that most of us are wrong

when we say that she is cheating but it doesn't look good for you.

As far as your children the longer you drag this it will soon take a toll

on them too.

Here is a little something that probably rounds up how you feel

 

Confessions Of A Broken Heart

Pain... Tension... Fatigue...

Depression...

Anger, Aggression, Frustration.

All these unwanted sensations -

Burning, hurting, tearing.

My heart alone, cold and fearing.

Why won't you let me sleep, let me rest,

Let me forget

To eradicate, eliminate, destroy all my regrets?

These memories inside, swirling, twirling,

unwilling to reside in the corner of my mind.

Repeating, resisting, insisting -

Refusing to be denied its recognition

Of its position in my

Frustration, Confusion, Delusion.

Ah, to close my eyes and let time fly by,

Because there's so much to gain

By forgetting these dreams driving me insane.

Unfocused, unclear, out of control,

My world spinning, spinning, spinning,

My sanity flying through the door.

My reason, my logic, oh, it's tragic,

I'm losing my mind.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Been real rough the last few days. I find walking a lot helps the relieve stress and able to think clearer. Must have walked 5 or 6 miles... The emotional factor is wiping me totality out mentality. I need to bring this "discovery" part to an end as quick as possible! Want to see if Salvaging the marriage is possible or move on. Life is too short.

 

I did a bad thing but I was desperate before she went away for 7 days camping. Called her and asked after she dropped the kids off at school if she could come back home. Told her I had something very important to show her that I received in the mail. No way. Then called her again and said can I meet you at work or at your Mothers's. No way. I'm busy!

 

Went to her Mother's and caught up with her. Everything was friendly and nice. Asked to speak to her privately in one of the bedrooms. Then told her I received a video tape in the the mail. A letter was attached and said to view this tape with your Wife. No return address or name. I lied to her and it was a set up.

 

She said OK let's watch IT! I want to see it! She called my bluff which I was prepared for. Told her when I can come to terms to look at this...., I will!!!!!

 

 

I quickly walked out of the house and nicely said goodbye to everyone. She followed in hot pursuit. I forgot to mention I threw my wedding ring in an envelope at her. She grabbed my steering wheel when I got into the car and said I'm NOT cheating on you! My intention was to provoke a response from her and it worked quite well. There was not a scene made except for her controlled anger briefly outside.

 

 

Cell phone conversations continued the same day until she said I'm not talking to you and turned it off. I wanted answers.... Left a numerous (flaming) VM messages with no response until today. Today received a sweet, nice voice message said (by her) hello dad, were here and will call you Every day... if the coverage doesn't drop out? %$$##^&&

 

Some of you might argue that this was unnecessary but I disagree. Something is going on and probably Infidelity is Highly likely. Whatever it is, It has to STOP! The stats point in that direction and our marriage sucks which is a strong indicating factor. Need to bring her out to deal with the situation. The lies have to STOP! Found out I was being too nice and a push over when I confronted her with issues, possibly for many years which she took advantage of?

 

I believe the retreat vacation from her work was a scam from the start. Now re-scheduled for next month? Humm.... Received the run around for a few days to if I was going to finally yes when I pushed the issue. But that's next month and not next week any longer? She was (so) pissed off when she came home "charging into the kitchen" and told me! "because I wanted to go and you can" (heh-he) Just derailed the train.... How sweet! Please check all your scams at the door. This opportunity was too perfect!

 

My next approach is to fix the problem but she has to come clean first!. Only then can we begin to start over from ground zero if possible. I don't know if I can do it at all yet, if ever?

[whichwayisup]

WOW! Well, I don't know what others will think, but I think you did an excellent thing for YOU. Time for answers, you've been dicked around for such a long time. Now you are getting somewhere FINALLY!

 

OK well she may not be really cheating but - SOMETHING is not right and something is going on...Just what? That is what you need to find out. Not knowing is worse than knowing...From my own personal experience in life with anything and everything - Atleast you know what you're facing.

 

I can't believe she called your bluff but now she knows you mean business. I just hope she doesn't try and cover it all up.

 

I think exercise is great for you, keep doing that. If you feel down and depressed don't be afraid to seek therapy and talk to your DR about meds to help you. This is going to take it's toll...It has already.

 

I believe the retreat vacation from her work was a scam from the start. Now re-scheduled for next month? Humm.... Received the run around for a few days to if I was going to finally yes when I pushed the issue. But that's next month and not next week any longer? She was (so) pissed off when she came home "charging into the kitchen" and told me! "because I wanted to go and you can" (heh-he) Just derailed the train.... How sweet! Please check all your scams at the door. This opportunity was too perfect!

 

OK that is just bugging me now. WTF is really going on. SOMETHING is...You know and she knows it and she is feeding you a bunch of BS and has been getting away with it...UNTIL NOW. She knows this too.

 

My next approach is to fix the problem but she has to come clean first!. Only then can we begin to start over from ground zero if possible. I don't know if I can do it at all yet, if ever?

 

You love her? Fight for her and don't give up. Make her see wtf she is doing is complete insanity. Even if it turns out she isn't cheating, she needs some sort of therapy. Maybe she's deeply unhappy about herself, I don't know, but she has some things that need to be addressed and worked on.

 

You can do it if you put your mind to it. Just read thumbs threads, he's quite positive and that can be contagious.

 

Keep posting and hey! I'm proud of you because YOU DID something instead of waiting around for whatever. Good for you!

[mymojo]

Originally posted by NiceGuyMojo

Been real rough the last few days. I find walking a lot helps the relieve stress and able to think clearer. Must have walked 5 or 6 miles... The emotional factor is wiping me totality out mentality. I need to bring this "discovery" part to an end as quick as possible! Want to see if Salvaging the marriage is possible or move on. Life is too short.

 

I did a bad thing but I was desperate before she went away for 7 days camping. Called her and asked after she dropped the kids off at school if she could come back home. Told her I had something very important to show her that I received in the mail. No way. Then called her again and said can I meet you at work or at your Mothers's. No way. I'm busy!

 

Went to her Mother's and caught up with her. Everything was friendly and nice. Asked to speak to her privately in one of the bedrooms. Then told her I received a video tape in the the mail. A letter was attached and said to view this tape with your Wife. No return address or name. I lied to her and it was a set up.

 

She said OK let's watch IT! I want to see it! She called my bluff which I was prepared for. Told her when I can come to terms to look at this...., I will!!!!!

 

 

I quickly walked out of the house and nicely said goodbye to everyone. She followed in hot pursuit. I forgot to mention I threw my wedding ring in an envelope at her. She grabbed my steering wheel when I got into the car and said I'm NOT cheating on you! My intention was to provoke a response from her and it worked quite well. There was not a scene made except for her controlled anger briefly outside.

 

 

Cell phone conversations continued the same day until she said I'm not talking to you and turned it off. I wanted answers.... Left a numerous (flaming) VM messages with no response until today. Today received a sweet, nice voice message said (by her) hello dad, were here and will call you Every day... if the coverage doesn't drop out? %$$##^&&

 

Some of you might argue that this was unnecessary but I disagree. Something is going on and probably Infidelity is Highly likely. Whatever it is, It has to STOP! The stats point in that direction and our marriage sucks which is a strong indicating factor. Need to bring her out to deal with the situation. The lies have to STOP! Found out I was being too nice and a push over when I confronted her with issues, possibly for many years which she took advantage of?

 

I believe the retreat vacation from her work was a scam from the start. Now re-scheduled for next month? Humm.... Received the run around for a few days to if I was going to finally yes when I pushed the issue. But that's next month and not next week any longer? She was (so) pissed off when she came home "charging into the kitchen" and told me! "because I wanted to go and you can" (heh-he) Just derailed the train.... How sweet! Please check all your scams at the door. This opportunity was too perfect!

 

My next approach is to fix the problem but she has to come clean first!. Only then can we begin to start over from ground zero if possible. I don't know if I can do it at all yet, if ever?

 

 

If I were your wife I'd be racing to the divorce lawyer, you're so far over the edge you're almost psychotic , I'd be afraid for my safety if I were she as it's pretty obvious that the only answer you're going to accept is for her to admit she's been cheating on you, whether it 's true... or not.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by mymojo

If I were your wife I'd be racing to the divorce lawyer, you're so far over the edge you're almost psychotic , I'd be afraid for my safety if I were she-- as it's pretty obvious that the only answer you're going to accept is for her to admit she's been cheating on you, whether it 's true... or not.

 

You know, if there is NOT any infidelity going on.....you're probably looking a bit unhinged from your wife's POV right about now.

 

It's hard to say exactly what's going on here, but the bottom line is that you don't have any facts, just a lot of circumstancial evidence. And like Mymojo, if it were me....and I knew I was innocent.....I'd be looking for legal assistance.

 

I agree with WWIU in that you DO need to address your questions, so that you can be satisfied in knowing the truth....but it is ALWAYS a mistake to PLAY GAMES. How can that improve your communications with one another?

 

Playing games is an active way of breeding distrust. It is counterproductive to creating an atmosphere of honesty because it sets up conditions whereby you and your partner become adversaries.

 

I posted the following on another thread. I'll re-post it to you now. As I told that poster, please be aware that I'm NOT saying that your concerns don't have merit. But this is also good information to have an awareness of, because for some people these infidelity fears can take on a life of their own. Please consider it as FYI, and not an accusation of neurotic behavior, okay?

 

 

 

Please understand that I'm not accusing you of ANYTHING. In cases where there is an infidelity going on, often the betrayed spouse has a "gut instinct". It makes them feel a bit crazy until they are able to uncover the truth. And usually, they feel vindicated on that score at least.

 

But there IS such thing as Delusional Jealousy. I only bring that to your attention so that you may have an awareness of it, this being your first relationship. It can also be called Morbid Jealousy, Pathological Jealousy or Othello's Syndrome, in case you care to research it on-line. I did find an interesting article, which describes some of the available treatment techniques: http://www.medicinenet.com/script/m...rticlekey=34554.

 

(Again, this is FYI. I'm not saying that your jealousy is unfounded. )

 

I think that the key to all of this may be in focusing your energy on what the desired outcome would be. In other words, what do you want in the future of the relationship? Then, choosing actions that will forward your goal.

 

If it is in any way feasible, you should get into counseling on your marriage. Resolution of the communications issues is an absolute MUST. For two people to be contented in a relationship, each one must have their needs addressed. If your partner can't or won't hear you, how will she understand what is important to you?

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

You know, if there is NOT any infidelity going on.....you're probably looking a bit unhinged from your wife's POV right about now.

 

It's hard to say exactly what's going on here, but the bottom line is that you don't have any facts, just a lot of circumstantial evidence. And like Mymojo, if it were me....and I knew I was innocent.....I'd be looking for legal assistance.

 

I agree with WWIU in that you DO need to address your questions, so that you can be satisfied in knowing the truth....but it is ALWAYS a mistake to PLAY GAMES. How can that improve your communications with one another?

 

Playing games is an active way of breeding distrust. It is counterproductive to creating an atmosphere of honesty because it sets up conditions whereby you and your partner become adversaries.

 

I posted the following on another thread. I'll re-post it to you now. As I told that poster, please be aware that I'm NOT saying that your concerns don't have merit. But this is also good information to have an awareness of, because for some people these infidelity fears can take on a life of their own. Please consider it as FYI, and not an accusation of neurotic behavior, okay?

 

 

The situation is very difficult without (Slap you in the face) proof and resources to get answers. Otherwise most would head off to divorce court and it's over with these facts. She does not want a divorce so she told me. More like have your cake and eat it too! If I had physical proof like a tape I probably would go Bonkers.... Not a good thing at all.

 

 

My goal is to force the known facts (politely/objectivity) and not back down when confronted with smoke screens anymore. She would rather die with her lies than tell the truth to me now. She has learned this behavior and needs to be reversed. I approach the issues in a positive problem solving way and will de-rail any train that wants to cross my path.

 

The so-called games is not breeding anymore distrust because there is NO TRUST right now with her or by me. How much worst can it get at this point? Something is going on and will do everything in my power even if it means lying to get the results! I'll put everything I have on it right now which I am doing to either try to fix it and work toward the future or move on. Bottom line is, it can't be This Way any longer or ever again!

 

Infedility relationships are based on lies, decent and "the Feel good" physical/emotional feeling. The fuel for this is sneaking around doing this behind someone's back which drives this intense passion which can become an addiction just like with drugs. Drug addicts will do anything to get the drugs they need regardless.

 

There are some serious underlying issues when she lied about taking the GC for example. Under normal circumstances she would said I took it and I would have dismissed it in in a heart beat saying, OK! When she lies and said no I did not take it. Then defends the issue.... till she dies? I have a problem that! Taking the GC is a symptom the problem in the simplest form.

 

What gives her away during conversations is not what she tells me first but how she reacts and then tells me again when I inquire with simple open questions. Was told a lie or half truth and you see the wheels turning in her head (eyes rolling) with a pause and thinking about another lie to add to the one they just told you. Watch the body English fly... More like BS!

 

I'm not over edge yet unless I hire a PI and they send me a tape of my Wife banging some dude then show it to her to giving me the advantage in divorce court? Not what I can deal with now. What that would do is sling the crap in my face to finalize the truth. I want hear it from her FIRST and not from another source

 

.

 

.

[GetOverYourself]

I recognize that you are just raising the price of poker, but she is calling your raise.

 

 

I am a formerly busted cheater, remorseful, regrutful, ashamed, and in longing of a time machine, etc.

 

anyway....she still isn't admitting it.............but.......

 

 

heed this....

where there is smoke, there is not ALWAYS fire

where ther is smoke and heat.........there is USUALLY fire

where there is SMOKE, HEAT, FLAMES, ASHES,etc, there is definitely fire.

 

If your wife is not "cheating" in the traditional sense, I assure you, she is undermining your vows, at a minimum.

 

former infatuation junkie,

kjc

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by GetOverYourself

I recognize that you are just raising the price of poker, but she is calling your raise.

 

Good analogy. They will lie when the facts are staring them right in the face! Now it's who has the best poker face and best hand. Just buying some time until I can get the real tape if she thinks one already exists and I have backed down to closure or resolving issues with a MC. The tape is a tool to get her out of denial if necessary. Infidelity is an addiction just like drugs and treated in a similar manner.

 

Don't get me wrong. I Love My Wife and not going to let her cop out that easy on our marriage and our Kids regardless! Even if she made mistakes in judgment. Mistakes happen and nobody is immune. The ability to forgive is priceless if I can manage to accept it and move forward. This is the reason. In Divorce the sad part is the kids become the innocent victims. My goal is to make it Work and fix it, Not Break It!

 

Will have to deal with possible Infidelity issues for a long time to get over if she confesses. I doubt it and I'm almost certain now it's taking place. Just need to confirm it to move forward.

 

She brought my oldest child in on the Tape issue over the cell phone calls last week. He was nowhere near when presenting the tape issue but probably inquired if he saw something outside briefly as leaving? She did not diffuse his question but instead answered the question and asked him questions apparently? She told me on the phone, the tape was probably from one of your vendors "From What Our Oldest Child Said" sitting next to her in the car at the same time. (saw the box) This was Wrong and a dead give-a-way cover up to diffuse the situation! Told her it was in an envelope, not a box. "Quit Feeding our kids bs" is what I told her.

 

See what I mean... enough rant.

 

Need to get her moving back in the right direction, open lines of communication more and be a better Husband.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage was invented by people, not Mother Nature. Some will say

[DazednConfused]

Hey NGM;

 

Dude I know the place you are at right now and it isn't at all good. This issue is literally all you can think about.

 

Here's the thing tho: The more you set traps, the more carefully she will walk.

 

People get sloppy when they are secure, not when they are under surveillance. I would suggest letting her take one of her trips. Alone. You just get the info as to where she'll be, etc. then you show up. You either catch her or "I missed you, so I thought I would come down, is that a problem??" This opens up new possibilities as well, show a little interest in what she is doing, and give it a chance to reconnect, if she isn't fooling around, she needs to get to know you again to save your marriage, if she is, hopefully you catch her in the act...(arrive late at night).

 

If you do nothing else NGM; find something else to focus on (At least some of the time), take it from me; you will develop an ulcer, and they aren't fun either.

 

I hope hope that we're wrong, that your wife is simply taking some space, but even if no affair, something weird is going on.

 

I wish you the best!

 

-Dazed

 

*-edited cuz me cahnknot speill a wurd.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

Hey NGM;

 

Dude I know the place you are at right now and it isn't at all good. This issue is literally all you can think about.

 

Here's the thing tho: The more you set traps, the more carefully she will walk.

 

People get sloppy when they are secure, not when they are under surveillance. I would suggest letting her take one of her trips. Alone. You just get the info as to where she'll be, etc. then you show up. You either catch her or "I missed you, so I thought I would come down, is that a problem??" This opens up new possibilities as well, show a little interest in what she is doing, and give it a chance to reconnect, if she isn't fooling around, she needs to get to know you again to save your marriage, if she is, hopefully you catch her in the act...(arrive late at night).

 

If you do nothing else NGM; find something else to focus on (At least some of the time), take it from me; you will develop an ulcer, and they aren't fun either.

 

I hope hope that we're wrong, that your wife is simply taking some space, but even if no affair, something weird is going on.

 

I wish you the best!

 

-Dazed

 

*-edited cuz me cahnknot speill a wurd.

 

 

Stuff is starting stink when I pushed. She won't answer her VM (but has left a message on my answering machine) Was gong to do some work at Mother's house but don't need me now later this week for free?

 

It's adding up....

[Owl]

Nice-

 

I've not posted on your thread to this point...been pretty busy with my own issues for the most part. But...here's my thoughts.

 

I'ts very very clear that your wife is lying and hiding something massive from you. I agree that the "games" you've played up to this point weren't very smart friend...seriously, that kind of stuff does nothing but JUSTIFY her behavior in her eyes.

 

So here are my thoughts...

 

Affairs require resources to accomplish and sustain. Your GC is a good example. Whatever her problem is, it takes money to support (I'm wondering about the possibility of drugs myself). Typically, an affair will require a lot of time (which you've noted she's spent), money (which you've started to realize she's not being honest about), and communication. And it's the LAST one that is the easiest for you to track.

 

Step 1 (Money)- What credit cards is she using? Do you have access to the bills from them? If they're joint accounts, most companies have online statements that you can use to see where the money has been spent. Look for gifts, flowers, motel rooms, etc...anything that doesn't jive with what you know of her spending habits. Compare the date/times of the purchases with what you know of her work schedule. Look at the costs of what she's purchasing for meals...are they for one, or two? Take a look at all your banking statements...I'd bet you a sandwhich that she's been squirreling them away so you cant see them.

 

Step 2 (Time)- This one is a little harder to prove, but you've already started noticing inconsistencies in her story about where she's been when. Maybe you can't afford a PI...most of us can't. But you might be able to persuade a friend to tail her sometime when you suspect she may be up to something. Or take some time off of work, borrow someone's car that she's not likely to know, and do it yourself. On the "retreat" thing...for fun, call her boss while she's at work, and ask him what the dates/times are for it...because you were hoping to "surprise" your wife with a gift or visit while she was away! Make it sound romantic...people are suckers for wanting to help someone do something special for a spouse. LOL Don't know who her boss is? No problems...call her work from a pay phone, and simply INSIST that you speak to a manager...get their name, and there ya go! Be polite, but very, VERY firm about needing to talk with a manager...NOW, please. Or again, have a friend do it, so that the boss doesn't recognize your voice when you call back to "setup your surprise".

 

Step 3 (Communication)- Affairs need TONS of this...so it's easy to start looking for this one. Do you have access to her voice mail on her mobile phone? If not, get it. Take a guess at her password...most people use no more than 5-6 passwords, and normally these are things that someone who knows them can guess at. Same thing goes for any email/IM accounts that you know she uses. If you have a home computer, install a keylogger on it ASAP. If she's in a habit of taking calls out of the room ("Its work honey, and I just can't hear in here!"), start putting a voice activated recorder in the room she takes the calls in...keep it well hidden, but near where she talks. Almost all of the major wireless phone providers give their customers access to online invoices. Same deal...start looking at that...because most affairs have a LOT of calls going on...and often, a lot of texting too. Many of these companies update their sites so that you can view calls made that day, or at least the day before. She calling one number all the time? Call it from a number that your wife wouldn't recognize, and try to figure out who it could be. Do a reverse phone number lookup online, and get a name and address. While you're at it, do a search online for you wife's name, and any "nicknames" or screen names you know she uses. You might be surprised at what you find. Oh, and that voice activated recorder I mentioned...one of those hidden under the drivers seat of her car might be a good idea too...check Radio Shack for a decent, small, cheap one.

 

If all of this doesn't give you proof, one way or another, then you're married to Houdini's mistress!

 

Good luck, and let me know what you find on the bills and invoices...that's the quickest and easiest things to look at.

[NiceGuyMojo]

Thanks Owl. Your right about the games... Not good at all. So I'm pulling back and regrouping. The stress is eating me alive and need to focus on other productive things. Communication is key and needs to be open.

 

Found an IRA for $1200 cashed out with no paper trail to where it went? Another weird one was when she left to go camping on Thursday afternoon last week she made a Debit Card purchase for groceries 50 miles away toward her destination posted on Thursday.. Makes sense. Her trip was not back this way.

 

A gas purchase was posted on Monday where we live (Same City) from HER debit card? Must had been sometime after 2PM Friday and Monday to be posted on Monday the next business day. Got a feeling she's getting her Family and our oldest child involved to help cover her tracks for whatever reasons she desires. Very tight family.

 

I got a jest from one of her Sisters that she needs time by herself maybe? That's why I did not go. OK... so why lie about it and sneak around if your're not hiding anything?