Normal day to day crap in a marriage...

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's the winter blahs, late February blahs or something. In a funk right now and the more I try to make things better, the worse it gets. It's not that bad, but enough to make ME feel bad.

 

My h and I aren't really fighting...Arguing over stupid things that to me are really unnecessary. He is the 'nit picker' not me, so this is part of why I am feeling the way I do. He thinks there is nothing wrong! We don't have many problems, most of the time it's clear blue skies. He is just getting on my nerves so bad right now, I must be getting on his. The sex is not great right now, partially because he is stressed out with work stuff, and because of me, I have 2 rather unfortunate large cysts on both of my ovaries so honestly sex is the last thing I want to do right now.

 

Cuddling is fine, fooling around is fine...But he just ain't into it much. He's more irritable than ever, snapping at me, and tonight he got irked as I didn't hear him say something to me while I was ordering dinner. To me, petty stupid things that piss me off really aren't reacting at all over, but this time I did react and let's say he left to go pick up the takeout food w/o saying anything to me.

 

I feel like s*** cuz of this, I hate this feeling and he just isn't into talking. I told him that I think we're going through something right now, he says no. I say to him that I think we're fighting too much, he says, that's not fighting, we're joking around!! OK where the F is the joke?? No joke to me! I tell him, he laughs, like no big deal. I just feel I can't tell him anything and he's not hearing me, which then makes me clam up and I don't want to be around him...Seems to suit him fine and dandy right now. I do my thing, he does his. NOT GOOD!!!!

 

I try to organize things for us to do, he's too busy right now...I say let's watch this DVD, he tells me he's not into watching anything, maybe later.

 

OK, I love him, no thoughts about leaving him, but f**k, this is really annoying me! I go and do my own thing, see my friends, play around on the computer, visit my nieces, hang with the neighbours...ALL without him and he's totally fine with it. I feel like a light has gone off inside of him and I wonder where he went?? HE isn't talking to me about it, so I ofcourse don't push as if I do, I know HE won't talk, so I back off and when he's ready (IF) he'll come talk about whatever it is that is bothering him.

 

I don't want to cry about this. He tells me everyday he loves me as I tell him. I just feel lonely and I miss him but it seems to not registering in him doing anything to make it better.

 

We've been together for 11 or so years, no chance of us ending it either. I know there is noone else. I think this is just a weird phase or something. Hoping when Spring comes and the weather picks up so will we and get back to where we should be.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone else going through the blah's in the marriage?

 

Thanks in advance.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If sex is uncomfortable, how about giving him a nice long massage and then a really good blow job to ease his tension? That's all guys really want, so I've learned.

 

Maybe that will turn the light back on, who knows.

[latesleeper]

wwiu,

 

hey, i hear you. my h does similar thing -- zone out -- or what, usually when he's stressed about work or what not. no interest in much couple time, just do his own thing, i do mine. you read men are from mars the book? it's like they go into the cave. much of what you said is sounds real familiar to me.

 

you said your h is stressed, so maybe that's it. when men are stressed, they kinda go into their own world. women reach out. they clam up and we do what we do, try to nurture and dig them out. and they burrow deeper and we break our fingernails.

 

i just had a fight with my h, so i'm feeling sh*tty too. same thing -- i want to talk and resolve, he clams up and shuts me out. so i feel pretty shut out right now and it's frustrating and i just feel like bawling or something. (i kinda did yesterday, but was in the park so didn't want to scare the pedestrians) i asked him to go to a counsellor with me, but he is quite reluctant and i told him i don't know how to talk about some things with him without turning it into a stressful session for both of us and what does he suggest? not much clue there. so here we are -- i dunno where we stand and he's carrying on his work day, without much of a smile. ?? what to do??

 

well, hang in there. you have company for sure (right here). pm me if you want and we can bawl together. take care.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Mom_wife_cheater, actually sex isn't the huge issue, I'm not really too concerned about it, we go through dry spells once in a while, he isn't pushing sex anyway. He's not the most sexual person - Just meaning that it is not in his head as much as most men.

 

Most of what it is right now is our timing is off with just about everything. Conversation, sex, just us in general. I've had abit more time over night to think and I know I shouldn't BE upset, or worried about anything, but I am. Just my nature, I'm a big worrywart.

 

Latersleeper, I understand what you're saying...And you definately made me laugh!

 

(i kinda did yesterday, but was in the park so didn't want to scare the pedestrians)

 

I know what you mean right there!!!

 

I know that the stress right now is a big part of this, I just hate it when we both are in a funk at the same time. Usually it's one or the other, and then it's just easier to pick up the slack. When we're both in this funk, it's harder for ME to put in all the effort knowing he's not making much back.

Honestly, I don't feel like making the effort. I know that is SO wrong to say, but that is how I feel right now. I will make the effort because I have to. Things will improve eventually, I just hate feeling this way and the affects around the house.

 

I actually suggested to him we go to a hotel for a weekend, get pampered, get massages, use the hottub, and Hmmm, have some sex but he said nope, too busy and just wasn't into it right now. I get tired of being shot down...I won't be asking again any time soon.

 

Tonight I am going to make a nice dinner, instead of setting the diningroom table I will just let him eat infront of the TV. Easier that way because conversation flow isn't flowing the way it should - And I know that is what he would prefer after a long day at work.

 

LS, sorry you're going through a rough go of it too. You are so right, we want to talk and nuture, they wanna be left alone, be grumpy and hold it in. OH as he said to me this morning"there is nothing wrong and nothing to tell" so the only thing to do is allow him the space and time to get through his hard time.

 

HA! I am going to buy that book!

 

Mine won't go to councilling either. He thinks there is nothing wrong in our relationship. I think otherwise obviously!! I asked him afew times and he just doesn't think it is worth going because we can do it ourselves.

I think MC could help in a sense of us learning to really 'LISTEN and HEAR' eachother speak, not just what we would like to hear or in some cases (I can admit!) I hear what I want to hear...Yet he does the same thing at times so it is just not me.

 

Thanks again and yeah, we should PM! Sounds like we are going through something similar!

[Lonestar]

All marriages go through ups and downs, and it's only the strong relationships that will weather those times. It is a bad time of year as far as people being down, but spring is around the corner, and I've always noticed everyone perk up at that time. More people start going out, happy hours are packed, etc.

 

You are undoubtably going to go through phases like this in your marriage, and I suggest just doing your own thing when that happens. If he wants space, give it to him. Stop asking him to do things, and make your own fun. I KNOW it sucks, but hopefully he'll come around when he breaks out of his funk. If not then you have a problem. Talk to him about it too, and let him know you're going to back off and give him time, but tell him you're lonely without him spending time with you. make sure he knows that you're not happy with the situation, and then drop it. Concentrate on yourself and not him. I hope this helps somewhat, and I feel your pain. Things will get better soon. It sounds like you have a solid marriage.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I actually suggested to him we go to a hotel for a weekend, get pampered, get massages, use the hottub, and Hmmm, have some sex but he said nope, too busy and just wasn't into it right now. I get tired of being shot down...I won't be asking again any time soon.

 

Tonight I am going to make a nice dinner, instead of setting the diningroom table I will just let him eat infront of the TV. Easier that way because conversation flow isn't flowing the way it should - And I know that is what he would prefer after a long day at work.

 

You know what that looks like to me, WWIU? It looks like you're expressing your emotional need for quality time. Hubby doesn't seem to be hearing you.

[whichwayisup]

Lonestar, Thanks! We do have a good marriage and some point things will go back to normal. I just hate how not close we are right now, and even though the love is there, just seems it's not being FELT like it should. Makes me sad but it's not the end of the world. Just sucks!!!!

 

I am really looking forward to the Spring, then end of June and part of July we're going to the cottage so that will be amazing.

 

Me telling him how I feel, I can see it in his eyes, he feels bad, then ofcourse I feel guilty for making him feel bad because that isn't my intent. AHHH I Don't know!! I guess DO nothing, concentrate on myself is it right now eh? Just hard to do because I am a fixer, communicator and hate when things are blahhh...One day at a time. (I'm good at giving advice! Just not great at actually acting on it when someone gives it to me.)

 

Lady, you nailed it. I am lonely, I miss our time together, sharing and just being together. Other things just are getting in the way now. I gotta suck it up and not take it personally.

I have no doubt of his love for me, not insecure about that.

 

We definately could work on the communication skills. I think deep down he knows that too.

[DazednConfused]

to be letting the little things matter so much.

 

You are in the midst of a cooling period is all. All long-term relationships have them, and this is a good thing.

 

Ya know life would really suck if we were all alike, had the same expectations, wants, needs, etc. The fact is, we don't, and we need to remember to celebrate our differences instead of railing against them. I bet some of the things that are pissing you off are things that you usually think are kinda cute about him. You are letting your own stress dictate your reactions.

 

I recommend you stop fighting it and try going with it for a few days; let him "zone" when he needs to; he has something that is weighing on his mind, just as you do. Sometimes all the talking in the world will not do what some plain old introspection will do.

 

I know you want to do things with your husband, not on your own, and I recommend you do so. Telling him "We're going through something right now..." Hmmmm. Now WW, I know you and I have had this discussion before.... your statement is too vague and he won't get vague.

 

"I miss you and I am beginning to resent that you don't like to do things with me. That is why I think we are fighting so much."

 

It's not a difficult statement, and if nothing else it should get you sme honest dialogue. Perhaps he just did not want to watch "Weekend at Bernie's" again? Who knows? He has his reasons and you will not get them unless you are open to them.

 

Just my .02 my dear!

 

-Dazed

[whichwayisup]

Ya your .2 cents is always worth reading my friend! Thanks for everything.

 

I know it's normal to feel this way, so I am not going to beat myself up over this. Not my doing, just a way of married life I guess. I know him well enough by now to know if I pissed him off or not. I haven't, but I know the nerves are shot with him.

 

This is harder for me as getting around town right now is difficult for more than one reason. My F@$%'n car is always FROZEN shut so going out and about is not an option. Since I have that lovely anxiety disorder - Me jumping on the subway is not gonna happen any time soon. I can walk but most days are around -30 so I don't want to. So cold snot freezes and that's not fun.

 

I need to try a different approach or just allow him to come to me. I will give it afew more days then over the weekend we'll try and talk again. In the meantime I will just concentrate on what I like to enjoy and go with that. Spend some more time with my nieces. Maybe I'll ask my sister if I can sleep over there one night just to get a breather from it all and spend some alone time with my sis once the girls are in bed. Just a thought to consider I guess.

 

Thanks again Dazed!

[HokeyReligions]

Been there, done that. Especially at this time of year!

 

It finally came down to me telling him "I'm lonly, I miss you, I am feeling further away from you every day and it's hurting our marriage. I need your help to get back on track." From there we communicated what we wanted, desired, and needed and how we thought we could achieve those goals. We found compromises and it worked. If he is missing sex you may want to find some ways to please him, even if you are not into it. He should reciprocate by going out with you or cuddling during a movie or something. It may seem forced at first, but if you force yourself to not feel like they are doing it because they "have" to, and appreciating that they ARE doing it (both of you for each other) then it feels great.

 

Good Luck.

[whichwayisup]

Actually it's the other way around...I'm the one who's missing sex, not him. If I don't say SEX he won't think about it. Just plain weird...lol

 

It is the closeness I miss with him.

 

We will eventually get things back to normal. Just wish it was sooner than later.

 

I'll let things just go till the weekend, then instead of doing our usual Saturday of Grocery shopping etc, I'll suggest we go out for breakfast first. See how it plays out after that.

 

Thanks Hokey.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

My marriage also had those issues for the last 6 years or so. But neither of us were fixers or communicators, and the issues all too often were ignored. Each of us KNEW the other was miserable. Every time one of us expressed any emotion about it, we ended up accusing each other and nothing ever changed. We would quit talking before it became a fight and either change the subject or go do something else.

 

Then there would be NO sex. None. Not even sex with less emotion....he's like a girl that way - didn't want sex if the emotions weren't there. I tried to bring it up a few times that we should schedule sex (I always felt really close to him the next few days after sex). He always thought it should be spontaneous, so we never got that worked out either.

 

We always just agreed to disagree and the marriage eventually died.

[whichwayisup]

That's sad MWC. Sorry it didn't work out. In a marriage once both sides give up and don't want to work at it, well, it's more or less over.

 

We always just agreed to disagree

 

We do that at times, but mostly over stupid stuff. We're lucky in the sense that we don't "fight" over money issues, house chores or anything. We've decided NOT to allow ourselves to do that and honestly most of the stuff couples DO fight about are not worth fighting over.

 

I have alot of faith that all will be OK soon enough...Just hate FEELING this way that's all. Good to vent it out and get some opinions here as well.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

We didn't fight about anything but that was the problem. I would suggest doing something (anything from going out for dinner and hiring a sitter to renovating the house). He would get uptight about the money (we were not short of it) and that would be the end of it. Then I would be unhappy because everything was so stagnant in our lives.

 

His idea of giving me what I needed was by doing the household chores. All that did was make me feel guilty and lazy. He never really complained about it though. He had more time and energy than I did.

 

He did express at our first counselling over 4 years ago that I wanted to be treated like a princess. So what's so wrong with that?

 

It sure is a two-way street. To this day I have no clue what his needs were and I'm sure he has no clue what mine were. We've only been separated a month and a half but it seems like a lifetime - that's the emotional separation I guess. We're still very much friends and in contact but mostly over the kids. I sometimes think he has the idea that this is temporary, and maybe that is arrogant of me. I hope he doesn't and it wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't.

 

We have friends who have a great relationship (at least it looks that way to us). They will hold hands over the dinner table whether it's a gourmet meal together or if we're all at a picnic table eating hot dogs! My ex never ever noticed this.

[whichwayisup]

OK well if you still love him and he thinks that it is temporarily right now, go for it!!!

 

Go to councilling and work it out. There is nothing anybody can't do when they both want it and together with lots of love, councilling you can get there...Question is, what is it that YOU want??

 

The kids would probably LOVE to have their parents under the same roof again.

 

I don't know how realistic that is, but if you feel and he feels that there is a chance, I say DO IT!!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

no no no I think you misread. I am in love with somebody else now and it's been six months (the OM).

 

I can't see myself getting back with ExH. I was just summing up the issues that caused the marriage to fall apart and pointing out that they are the same issues in most marraiges, but ours wasn't strong enough to overcome them. We went for counselling at different times, and I went alone and this is the right thing for me now.

 

The kids, well they have met the new guy and have joked about him being my "boyfriend". So far he has only come over to do something to the house and I fed him dinner. But I think they know he is more than just the repairman.

 

After he left last night (sorry to be off topic here), my son came over and snuggled with me on the couch in somewhat of a protective manner. It was cute, but now I wonder what he was feeling. I am going to talk to my son tonight (he's 10).

[whichwayisup]

LOL, Yup I did didn't I? Well, my mind is in 100 places right now so I misread! Sorry about that.

 

Well just make sure your kids feel loved and secure. This man is "mommy's friend" and not replacing daddy. That is what most kids worry about it.

 

I'm sure your son feels like the man of the house and feels abit threatened having another male around who isn't his father. He'll get used to it, and with you talking to him I'm sure that will ease his mind.

[whichwayisup]

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Breakthrough! Hubby called me about 10 minutes ago to tell me he was working late tonight...BUT...He'd pick up a BBQ chicken, we'd have a late dinner and go have some sex cuz HE IS FEELING HORNY TODAY!!!!

 

I'm happy. See? Back off and then they come (Or should I say CUM) for you!!!

 

Thanks everyone for the input on my thread!!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

LOL that's great. Spring must be in the air!

[SleepingLover]

LMAO! Have fun WWIU! Glad to see he is cummin around

[FolderWife]

Well, I have only been married 1 year, 11 months, and 16 days, but it sounds to me like this is what SHOULD be going on....

 

according to "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus"

 

Men who are dealing with problems shut down, to deal with them on their own. They "go into their cave". When a man does this, it's best if the woman just leaves him alone to do his own thing. It's sometimes hard for a woman to do this, because she has needs too, but if the woman can back off and leave him alone for a while, he'll come back.

 

According to the book. I've put this into practice in my own marriage, and it's true! For us any way.

 

He's got "stress from work," and he's got stress from your cysts, so he's just got problems that he's dealing with.

 

And according to "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus", men don't talk about their problems, unless they need help with them.

 

So he's not going to tell you what's wrong, unless he needs help with the problem. And seeing as how he's a proud man, he won't ask help unless absolutely necessary.

 

In conclusion...your husband is normal, and your relationship is normal, and your best move would be to continue laying low, and hanging out with YOUR friends, and watching YOUR tv, and just leaving him alone.

 

You know he loves you....trust him to come back.

[whichwayisup]

SL, I definately will have fun...Hey, atleast I get to watch Survivor on TV before he cums home! LMAO!

 

MCW, Spring is in the air - Yet another snow storm is apparently waiting in the wings!

 

Monday, I am going to get this book.

 

I think I forget sometimes how he is. I do know his moods and what he gets like. This time just felt different. Most of the time it doesn't get under my skin like it was, but with both us being in our own funk at the same time isn't a good thing. We're (atleast we were) feeding from it and I was ready to sell him to the lowest bidder!

 

We do have a good relationship. There are certain areas that can be improved...I need to let him talk and I need to listen more (I don't take advice well eh) and he has to lighten the heck up more cuz he's just too damn serious at times...And the sex thing...BUT tonight is a treat and I intend on taking FULL advantage of his hornyness!

[whichwayisup]

Fun night alright!! Except it is normal when...Nah, just kidding!

[binturong]

LOL!!! I've found what helps is when my husband comes home and I'm wearing lingerie. Even if he's tired, in a bad mood, not thinking about sex, he gets excited. Just something to think about for future reference.

[whichwayisup]

I actually have a firefighter coat and one day he came home and I had nothing on underneath...He kinda loved that...