Where do I go from here?

[quidproquo89]

Hey I apologize to the length of this essay before I begin. I guess I'm looking for some council and emotional back up.

 

I guess a lot of people have this, but I'm feeling like I can't find my 'place' in this world. Sorry I'm not delusional and it will all make sense once I elaborate.

 

I come from a fairly big populated area, I was with my family and had one 'best' mate who I would see almost every day. I was content with my life as I knew nothing else, I would go to work, see my best mate and I was happy being a more introvert geek - playing video games and watching movies. Don't get me wrong my best mate and I, had a group of mates and we would do the usual activities - paintballing, go karting etc.

 

My parents decided to move to the countryside (5 hours) from where we originally lived (4 and a half years ago). Bearing in mind I'm wasn't the strong character I am today, I was a scared teenager, when we arrived I couldn't comprehend leaving everything behind. I missed my old house, my best mate and all the things I used to do. I couldn't describe to you how low and depressed I was, I could barely lift my head. My parents knew about it but what could they do, we've just moved. They felt sorry for me, but without being cruel they couldn't do anything so they left me to deal with it. (the issue isn't with my parents, they are good people).

 

It took me a long time to settle. I had a hard time making friends as I was older than school age and because of my state of mind I didn't make effort to get to know people. I now have one regular friend who lives an hour away. We are not very close as we don't share a great connection but we see each other once a week. I have about 5 other aquaintances who come and go, occasionally we'll go for a drink but thats it.

 

I have this year managed to claw back some of my old self. I have started my own small business. I have three jobs now as I wanted to explore beyond my current job. The idea to broaden my horizons, so I'm looking to my future that way. I have had a lot of bad luck with women. This year I've dealt with insecure flakes, making mistakes by doing the wrong thing, someone using me as a rebound and then ignoring my existance, mutually not being attracted to one date, and the sting of OLD dating where someones extremely high standards and blase attitude left me baffled as we had so much in common I cannot understand why we didnt make a good match - she just didnt see bothered before we even met it now seems apparant. In other words I have no love life and I'm making a good effort, but so far no luck finding that special someone.

 

I relied on working out and running during the spring to get me through the blues of the rejection of women I liked. Now however I work a lot and am finding it hard to get the motivation for working out.

 

I've come to this point that I've been so mnay times before where I really don't know what I'm doing or what to do. I know what I want but getting it appears impossible.

 

I have an image in my mind of what I want/need to be happy and whole. (please don't think badly of me that I'm being whiny. These are just the thoughts I have.)

 

I would like to build up my gardening business, make some really decent friends, have my family close and find that special someone.

 

Thats it really!

 

Heres the problem.

 

I live in a town with limited capabilities. The population is so small that I'm finding it hard to make friends and meet women as its always the same faces. You know how there are some people you immediately click with and others you'll say hello to but there is no more common ground. That is what my town is like. I'm polite and make conversation with people but I'm not settled completly for entirely social reasons. I also don't appreciate the major gossip circle, where the whole town knows everything. If I want to tell somebody something I want them to know it from my own mouth.

 

Also work is very limited. Don't get me wrong I have three jobs. This has taken some time and I've only really started my business this year and got the other job this year. Its taken three and a half years to get these other two jobs.

 

You see I'm tired of the same town, same people and lack of opportunities here. However the grass isnt always greener on the otherside. I have my family here but my best mate isn't. I feel I need to give some where else a chance. However here is where I'm having problems. I'm a very homely person. The family home has always been my base its like my core. I can see myself having a huge amount of stress and anxiety by moving somewhere else by myself without my family and the family home.

 

I work and save as if I'm living alone. Its like a subconcious preperation system. I don't by materialistic things that I don't need only rent to my parents and food. Financially I know how to save. Moving away would make sense to a certain extent. New start, no memories of a past you can't forget (subconciously I still have the memories of hating it here at the start), and somewhere more social. However I have financial security here. I have my family.

 

I hit this stage a couple of times a year, where I'm like if I'm not at work I don't know what to do with myself. I'm unfullfilled! I am trying to go out to the pubs, I go for walks in the countryside but apart from that I'm lost.

 

I'm missing that special someone and I'm missing my best mate. Finding women never used to be a big problem, because I always had my best mate. We used to fill the void together - doing all sorts of activities and more importantly we had a great connection where we were there for each other and had fun.

 

I think that is ultimately what I am missing, I have a piece missing in my character and that is the last four and a half years, since I've been living here is the first time that I havent had someone special (a really good friend) to be with. I miss the hell out of not having a good friend or a partner to share my moments with.

 

Don't get me wrong. I'm hard working guy, ambitious, confident. I'm making connections in my town for my business and I am reaching out to further towns for work. I just know in my core and my heart that I need special people around me to make me whole and I'm missing that and I don't know what to do about it.

 

By the way our house is on the market for 3 and a half years so we can try to have a new start - my parents are willing to do that for me. (Told you they were good people). But the house isnt selling and we get like a handful of viewings a year.

 

Sorry for the essay, but I wake up in the mornings and go to bed on the odd day feeling like I'm unhappy about things in my life but am unable to chnage them.

 

To move back to my best mate - I would miss my family, my house and my financial security. When I'm here I miss the connection I have between my friends.

 

I could really do with some lengthy advicem, thougths and back up. I hit a rut in February a woman I really liked and I thought really liked me just got really insecure and just dropped me. I repaired myself by working out. i got really strong and confident. Then I got hit by a host of 'bad' women who took away my self esteem, which was probably paired with the amount of stress my three jobs are bringing me. Both amounted me to this place that I am at now. I need to build my character back up, the confidence hasnt gone. It's like it needs harnessing and I'm so busy with work that I havent time for me. To get my head and feelings back on track.

 

I'm no longer the introvert geek I once was I am strong and confident. But even strong and confident people get lost along the way. I am not who I was because this move has changed me. I am longer comfortable just sitting in watching tv by myself I want to meet new people and find women. However I still have lingering parts of me that are introvert like not wanting to join clubs by myself and I still struggle cold approaching women.

 

Sorry for the essay, help would be lovely. Thanks in advance Quidproquo89

Edited October 13, 2014 by quidproquo89
more detail

[quidproquo89]

even if it somebody who has dealt with a similar situation and over come it?

[mr_dave]

I just replied to you in another thread without seeing this.

Similarly to you I'm in an area where I don't feel as though I fit in, I'm living with my parents as you are, saving as much money as possible, but aware there is a hole in my life without that sense of belonging/ friends and a special lady to love.

I appreciate your parents are trying to sell the house so that you can move away, which is really good of them. But if it doesn't sell you'll seemingly be stuck in the same predicament.

Have you thought about moving to the nearest large town/ city, not too far from your parents? That way maybe you would be able to keep some gardening clients, be able to see your parents regularly, and mix with a whole town's worth of new people?

[normal person]

That sounds like a tough situation, but you can't have everything your way. Eventually you'll have to give up something you like if you want something even more, and it will involve stepping out of your comfort zone.

 

Which do you want? Your friend or your family/financial security? It doesn't seem like you can have both. You're young still (assuming you were born in '89 like your name suggests). Now might be the time to make a move while you've got the chance. If you stayed out in the country your whole young life, would you regret it and all the things you're missing out on? Other people and experiences will fulfill you and make your feel alive. I'm having the time of my life ever since I left school and moved out to LA and then New York. Your 20s are when you're apt to have some of the best times of your entire life, it'd be a terrible thing to waste.

 

These are the things you need to consider. There's no right answer, just the one you're the most comfortable with.

Edited October 13, 2014 by normal person

[quidproquo89]

That sounds like a tough situation, but you can't have everything your way. Eventually you'll have to give up something you like if you want something even more, and it will involve stepping out of your comfort zone.

 

Which do you want? Your friend or your family/financial security? It doesn't seem like you can have both. You're young still (assuming you were born in '89 like your name suggests). Now might be the time to make a move while you've got the chance. If you stayed out in the country your whole young life, would you regret it and all the things you're missing out on? Other people and experiences will fulfill you and make your feel alive. I'm having the time of my life ever since I left school and moved out to LA and then New York. Your 20s are when you're apt to have some of the best times of your entire life, it'd be a terrible thing to waste.

 

These are the things you need to consider. There's no right answer, just the one you're the most comfortable with.

 

your totally right, I've made the best of being here. But haven't made the plunge of moving out. Very difficult moves

[quidproquo89]

another issue that doesn't help is that my mum particularly shows a lot of hostility when I have previously mentioned moving out.

 

Especially when its a time when you need support and feel vulnerable

[normal person]

another issue that doesn't help is that my mum particularly shows a lot of hostility when I have previously mentioned moving out.

 

Especially when its a time when you need support and feel vulnerable

 

Like I said, you can't have it both ways. You can keep your mom happy and stay put, or you can make yourself happy and get on with your life. Perhaps if you try and explain it to her like you have here then she'll change her tune. If she wants you to be happy then she'll hopefully be supportive in whatever way will help you.

[BlueIris]

Leaving home and going to a place with greater opportunities would be wise. Sometimes we have to kiss people good-bye, tell them we love them and make our own way in order to become something more than a son or a daughter, and to test our mettle and grow. Don’t expect an easy road. Challenges and difficulties are part of the adventure, and it is a great adventure.

[quidproquo89]

Just had a look into Badmington, photography, table tennis, film clubs in my area and oh dear they were tacky unfinished websites. Pfft, dunno how to meet people here.

[FitChick]

Just had a look into Badmington, photography, table tennis, film clubs in my area and oh dear they were tacky unfinished websites. Pfft, dunno how to meet people here.

England has more historic places, houses and gardens than anywhere else. Plenty of tourists from inside and outside the UK. Try getting a job as a gardener at a stately home, if that is possible. I don't know if the National Trust has their own staff or if everyone is a volunteer. If you aren't working, volunteer for a bit. You will become more comfortable interacting with strangers and you are a good looking man -- you might meet a very pretty tourist who will give you the incentive to move.

 

Otherwise take a horticultural class to learn a specialty and to meet more people.

 

Why is you mum so clingy? Are you an only child?

[quidproquo89]

England has more historic places, houses and gardens than anywhere else. Plenty of tourists from inside and outside the UK. Try getting a job as a gardener at a stately home, if that is possible. I don't know if the National Trust has their own staff or if everyone is a volunteer. If you aren't working, volunteer for a bit. You will become more comfortable interacting with strangers and you are a good looking man -- you might meet a very pretty tourist who will give you the incentive to move.

 

Otherwise take a horticultural class to learn a specialty and to meet more people.

 

Why is you mum so clingy? Are you an only child?

 

I appreciate your advice. I work three jobs at the moment. I run my own gardening business which means maintain gardens, supervisor in a local shop and 30 mins away in a warehouse with potential advancement.

 

National Trust is a good idea, positions come up at the spring to autumn each year so maybe next year.

 

I appreciate you thinking I'm good looking. I've always thought I'm average, perhaps I'm modest I don't know.

 

College is always a good choice, I have been looking.

 

I'm not an only child but my older sister was never close with my mum and I think she sees me as the closer child to her.

 

I definitely need to broaden my horizons geographically.

[BluEyeL]

It looks like you've outgrown your surroundings but are afraid to make changes. Don't let fear stop you, that will only keep you limited and you'll regret it later.

 

I was very close to my family too, but when I was your age, I moved over an ocean and started over. Parents can put pressure on you, but don't let that stop you. It's just fear that you're experiencing.

 

At the same time, be careful and work on your mindset of appreciating what you have at any given time. Because you run the risk of bringing your unhappiness everywhere with you. Don't expect that if you move somewhere else things will miraculously change over night. You'll have more opportunities but everything will take time and effort. Good luck to you!

[preraph]

Well, any chance of talking your best mate into coming down and going into the gardening business with you? What's he doing for a living these days? Has he got a girl? If he's doing nothing, maybe together you could expand the business into other towns and keep each other company. Make enough money and you could afford to go into town once in a while. The more expansion you do into neighboring areas, the more likely to meet someone. Thought about going off to school or already done that? I can foresee you'll have problems even after you find a woman if you're not willing to move out on your own, though, and you do need to do that first just to find out what it's all about. A girlfriend or wife won't replace your mom or fill her shoes either. No one will ever give you as much benefit of the doubt as your mom in your lifetime so you will need to be self-sufficient on many levels to live with a woman.

 

Talk to your old friend and see if he has any ideas about any of this. Just because you move off, you can still be friends and visit occasionally. Good luck.

[quidproquo89]

Well, any chance of talking your best mate into coming down and going into the gardening business with you? What's he doing for a living these days? Has he got a girl? If he's doing nothing, maybe together you could expand the business into other towns and keep each other company. Make enough money and you could afford to go into town once in a while. The more expansion you do into neighboring areas, the more likely to meet someone. Thought about going off to school or already done that? I can foresee you'll have problems even after you find a woman if you're not willing to move out on your own, though, and you do need to do that first just to find out what it's all about. A girlfriend or wife won't replace your mom or fill her shoes either. No one will ever give you as much benefit of the doubt as your mom in your lifetime so you will need to be self-sufficient on many levels to live with a woman.

 

Talk to your old friend and see if he has any ideas about any of this. Just because you move off, you can still be friends and visit occasionally. Good luck.

 

My best mate is in a family business and doing very well for himself. Expensive car and looking to buy his own house (moving in with him would be an option but he is having a hard time finding the right place). He hasn't got a gf currently.

 

I am looking at college again and I'm working a bit out of town.

 

I am saving money like I'm living alone, I'm subconsciously preparing to be on my own.

 

I'm not looking to replace my mum, no issues in that regard. As you say its the fear of jumping off the cliff of moving out that worries me.

 

I got a phone call away from moving out 2 years ago and I became paralyzed by fear. The only real time I've ever not manned up and faced the music, the only time I've ever just frozen.

 

The ideal scenario for anybody and the way my sister did it is to move out nearby like a weaning process. You move out but not too far. Then when you feel like it you'll have more guts and experience to move further.

 

I'd need to find a woman before I move in with one ha ha.

 

We talk fairly often (my good mate and I) and I see him twice a year. Not quite the same as every day however.

[quidproquo89]

It looks like you've outgrown your surroundings but are afraid to make changes. Don't let fear stop you, that will only keep you limited and you'll regret it later.

 

I was very close to my family too, but when I was your age, I moved over an ocean and started over. Parents can put pressure on you, but don't let that stop you. It's just fear that you're experiencing.

 

At the same time, be careful and work on your mindset of appreciating what you have at any given time. Because you run the risk of bringing your unhappiness everywhere with you. Don't expect that if you move somewhere else things will miraculously change over night. You'll have more opportunities but everything will take time and effort. Good luck to you!

 

I totally understand what your saying. I have the capabilities, confidence to find women and do well with work and meet friends but my little town is stopping me doing that.

 

Where did you move to? Did it work out?

 

I can stay and keep working further afield and look at colleges.

 

Or go and just work. Doubt I'll have much money to play at first but it will come.

 

I get these feelings now and again not all the time. I.e I had this in the winter at the beginning of the year. The feelings have just come back. I appreciate the countryside, the beach, having a family home and a family alive and well. Socially as I say is the problem and it is a major one.

 

I need to do some thinking approaching the new year!

 

Thanks

[skydiveaddict]

Sorry for the essay, help would be lovely. Thanks in advance Quidproquo89

 

Up to 16,000 ft agl and then jump out the door. The 45 sec. free fall before you pull the cord will be the best time of your life. Cures all sorts of emotional baggage.

[quidproquo89]

Up to 16,000 ft agl and then jump out the door. The 45 sec. free fall before you pull the cord will be the best time of your life. Cures all sorts of emotional baggage.

 

ha ha right person for the right answer or metaphor if you will

[HappyLove]

Ok, I just skimmed all of that, sorry if I got the facts wrong, anyways...

 

Sounds like you're afraid to live life. You've just gotta man up and not be afraid to experience something new and live on your own! Maybe you should enroll in college and live on campus. You can't be under your mother for the rest of your life. First of all its not cute. A woman wants a man who doesn't live with his mommy. I know in some cultures it's ok for a little while. At the end of the day you moving isn't the end of the world. Stop treating it as that. If it turns out to be a huge mistake guess what?! YOU CAN MOVE BACK! Get out there and live your life before this paralyzes you and next thing you know your that SAD 60 year old who never moved out the house. And remember...

 

'No matter where you go, there you are.'

[BluEyeL]

I totally understand what your saying. I have the capabilities, confidence to find women and do well with work and meet friends but my little town is stopping me doing that.

 

Where did you move to? Did it work out?

 

I can stay and keep working further afield and look at colleges.

 

Or go and just work. Doubt I'll have much money to play at first but it will come.

 

I get these feelings now and again not all the time. I.e I had this in the winter at the beginning of the year. The feelings have just come back. I appreciate the countryside, the beach, having a family home and a family alive and well. Socially as I say is the problem and it is a major one.

 

I need to do some thinking approaching the new year!

 

Thanks

I moved from Eastern Europe to the US, 15 years ago. Yes, it did work out, I am now a Professor of Engineering at a large university and everything is great. But I moved from different reasons, building a career and a better life, not for social reasons.

 

However, I saw many people who move but are still unhappy. You have to work on achieving happiness despite your surroundings and that will give you confidence to make changes and move forward. Being happy on the inside doesn't mean you don't try to change things, just that you do that being realistic and improving yourself but knowing that happiness is with you as long as you're healthy, the changes you're making are improving your quality of life but are not the intrinsic reason to be happy or unhappy. Nevertheless, small and big successes will increase your confidence and help you achieve more and more in your life.

[quidproquo89]

Thanks for the advice. Yesterday was a particularly bad day and you know ehen you get really down you think these things.

 

I am working three different jobs for the sake of money, broadening my horizons and the enjoyment and rive of running my own business.

 

I'm taking opportunities with women and trying to make friends.

 

I'll assess what to do next . Thanks

[preraph]

You'll find your way because you're focused on it. I do wish you could move in with your friend. It would be comfortable to you, the easiest transition. Are your parents just so wonderful that it's hard to leave them, or it is more they're dependent on you emotionally or controlling and won't let go?

[quidproquo89]

You'll find your way because you're focused on it. I do wish you could move in with your friend. It would be comfortable to you, the easiest transition. Are your parents just so wonderful that it's hard to leave them, or it is more they're dependent on you emotionally or controlling and won't let go?

 

thats would be great to move in with him.

 

My mum is emotionally attached to me. I am more independant minded.

 

I'd be fine on my own as I am good with money. Its just nice living with people

[preraph]

Well, keep in mind all moms freak out when their babies fly the coop but that it's part of life as a mother to have to set them free. In fact, it's her job to raise you to fly away. It might not hurt to remind her that if she's wanting any grandchildren to spoil, it's not likely to happen while you're living under her roof. That ought to set off a bell in her.

[quidproquo89]

Well, keep in mind all moms freak out when their babies fly the coop but that it's part of life as a mother to have to set them free. In fact, it's her job to raise you to fly away. It might not hurt to remind her that if she's wanting any grandchildren to spoil, it's not likely to happen while you're living under her roof. That ought to set off a bell in her.

 

love it ha ha