My boyfriend and his addiction to porn

[Gloria25]

i honestly cant understand why would he need to watch porn when he can have the real thing with his girlfriend? when i was in a relationship wasn't interested in porn at all, found it weird to be honest and pointless almost mainly because the only girl i could think of at the time was my girlfriend.

 

Because, while men are able to be "ready for sex" more than women, in a RL, men actually have a connection with their SO...So, when things go sour in a RL, why would he want to have sex with his SO? How can you feel horny about someone who keeps on snooping on you and has insecurities?

[leoc1973]

OK I am not going to try to be confrontational or rude but here is the truth.

 

First of all there is no such thing as an porn addiction when it comes to men. We all watch porn and I don't care what anyone tells you or if they even give you the "it just doesn't turn me on" line. they are lying. I have a lot of close male friends and we talk (probably too personal) but we all watch porn. Not just normal porn but every kind of porn there is. Except Gay. That is kinda creepy for a straight man. Its as simple as that. If a guy tells you he doesn't watch porn he is a liar. I read a stat that something like 60% of males pay for the internet with porn in mind. (I don't know how true that is)

 

At first when I started reading I started to think you were being ridiculous. But it does seem like you are taking responsibility and actually probably taking too much responsibility.

 

OK so here is why he would rather watch porn that have sex with you. First of all do you use condoms? I know you are probably being safe and all of that but me personally I would rather look at porn and take care of myself than have sex with a condom. Lots of guys literally cannot feel anything. The only reason we even stay hard is the attraction that we have for you. So there is a compliment that you can take. If he can keep an erection for 2 hours with a condom on then he thinks you are super hot and he is really turned on because after the first 15 minutes with a condom there is no feeling left at all.

 

Secondly... 2 F'ing hours? Every time? Really? There is your mistake right there. I know it is important for you to get off but that is just ridiculous if its every time. I will tell you what to do. Grab him and tell him to bend you over and do a quickie. Tell him to finish as fast as he can or wants to and I can almost guarantee that he will be all over that. Yes of course there will be times where a nice long passionate love making session is in order but not 2 hours every time. God bless him that! He must really love you.

 

OK now the reason for some of the porn. Guys go through phases. for a while it will be asians then blondes redheads brunettes bondage fetishes and then of course anal. Almost every guy fantasizes over anal for 2 reasons. It's tighter and there is more friction and it's just nasty and also the controlling dominating part of sex. It kinda grosses me out to actually do it but I like to watch it. It's hot.

 

He could be more courteous about where he leaves his goo but other than that you can have an awesome relationship with a few changes.

 

You go through his phone and criticize him, you make him feel like some kind of sexual deviant even tho what he is doing is for the most part normal and he still loves you and wants to be with you. He tells you that you are beautiful and loves you so try a few changes.

 

No more letters and talking to him because by now he reads the first paragraph or sentence.. skips to the end and then goes back to the porn. Guys don't wanna be lectured and controlled unless they have serious mommy issues. Guys want to be adored and made to feel like a man.

 

OK so talk to him. NO LECTURES.. Sit down and tell him you love him and then tell him to take you in the other room and F the hell out of you for a quickie. If you can somehow go without the condom then do it. wait till you are way away from ovulating and make sure he pulls out and let him go on you. He is a dirty boy(like most of us) Let him be what he is and I guarantee your sex life changes.

 

By the way. Don't let a psychologist or counselor get into your head and make you thing there is something wrong with you. We are all screwed up in some way and they will make you feel like you are brain damaged. You are being a girl with normal concerns so don't start blaming yourself for everything or your childhood or whatever. Guys get bored of the same thing all the time. Ask him what his fantasies are and play dressup or put on a wig or whatever. Most of us are kinky bastards behind closed doors.

 

I honestly think that there is nothing wrong with your relationship other than you have to get in sync sexually. I'm telling you.. Quickies will straighten him out.

[braindamage]

He has an ex-wife huh? Why did they divorce? Was it also because of porn or was there a different reason?

 

Obviously this guy has a problem with porn but at this point I find it difficult to assess whether his porn problems come from:

 

1. Porn addiction itself

2. Something in the past that he didn't sort out and is now drowning with porn (sort of like a drug to douse the past)

3. Something that happened in your relationship what he can't deal with

 

Does he acknowledge he has a problem with pornography? If yes, what does he identify as the problem?

 

This is a tricky situation (been there done that from the male perspective) and it's very hard to be honest and admit you have a problem. Especially because it directly hurts the one you love.

[darkmoon]

do not blame yourself for his habits, he has messed your head up quite enough,

too, not sure how long i could put up with masturabation sauce all over my guy

 

you and he are not suited, get somebody kinder and more considerate

 

once his looks go, he will be a sneaky dirty old man, urgh

Edited October 15, 2014 by darkmoon

[amy1979]

Leo - Okay, I want to clarify a few things.

 

When we first got together, sex was almost 2 hours because he wanted it for that long. I definitely wasn't going to complain. And the first person who could give me an orgasm through oral sex back to back? Yeah, I was 'not' complaining. We would have sex for a while, but then he would go back to oral sex. On one or two occasions, we didn't use a condom. The first time he came inside of me, I was upset with him. And it turned out to be a big ordeal and a trip to the drug store for the morning after pill.

 

So, he told me, "I don't want to get you pregnant." Understood! Completely! I went out and bought the thinnest condoms I could find.

 

"I can't feel you with a condom on." Yeah, it's different. I'll try birth control.

One week in, I was in the hospital with a severe migraine due to hormones. MRI and blood tests later after the Dr. being worried about a blood clot, I was advised to switch to a non-estrogen or get off completely.

 

"It's too hot." Alright..... (He literally sweats very easily)

 

"You won't get naked. How am I supposed to be turned on when I can't see you naked when seeing you naked turns me on a lot?" Off goes the clothes. Get over the insecurity BS.

 

"You're too negative." What the actual hell. Okay. Give me sex and I will instantly be in a better mood. Instantly.

 

"You won't ever initiate. Why do I have to do it all the time?" Sorry, I'm shy. Afraid of being shut down. But when you initiate, I'll be more dominant then submissive in the beginning. When we had sex Saturday night, we were loving on each other, yada yada yada. He rolled over to me and 'I' initiated it. It worked. Maybe I need to be more dominate.

 

"I'm too tired." Yeah, whatever.

 

I remember one of our talks, that he told me that he just didn't want the stress and to worry about getting me pregnant, because every time that we had unprotected sex, I was so worried about getting pregnant, running and getting the morning after pill (This was before birth control) and that it was just too much. I can totally understand that. Before we had sex recently, about a month in a half ago, or two months.. whatever.. He stopped in the middle of it and said, "Sorry, I just can't think of anything else but getting you pregnant."

 

I can't think of the other ones. We've watched porn before together. It was hot, I'll admit. Maybe I just need to turn some on randomly late at night while we're in the bedroom together. As far as the content he watches, it's always anal. He will watch nothing else. Preference maybe? There has been gay porn on there before.. like, months and months and months ago. Could be out of curiosity. Do I look at him differently? No. I had someone I was sexually involved with over the course of about.. 4 years that was bi. He didn't want to 'do' the act with a male, but he would mess around. It didn't gross me out. I've looked at lesbian porn. Seriously. I have absolutely no issue with porn whatsoever. I have to make that clear. It's only when I'm not getting any sex and he's replacing me with it. However, I absolutely 100% agree with your advice. Maybe I can meet him in bed naked. Or, mess around in the morning before we go to work.

 

braindamage - Yeah, he has an ex-wife. His reasoning was that she was crazy. It's a very long story and it involves so much detail. He would always tell me.. "I LEFT her for a reason. I'm the one that divorced her. Doesn't that say anything? I don't want her." There was also an instance about her not being faithful. I haven't asked about porn in their past relationship. He said the same thing about his ex-girlfriend. She was apparently crazy.

 

I remember everything that he said about them to me, I'd say.. WOW. That's ridiculous! Now I'm doing the same thing. Literally everything that I said I wouldn't be as a girlfriend, I am now. It's insane.

 

I'm thinking that he may be turning to porn because I'm just a negative person. I'm not accepting blame to please him like I said before. I'm literally just saying in general. As other people said, Who would sleep with their SO if they're always negative? He's told me being negative just turns him off instantly. I've expressed my feelings about the porn. I've asked him why he does it and he simply said.. "I really don't know." Then he would say.. "sometimes I do it if I'm not in the mood. I do it because you're not here and I want you. I do it sometimes because you're negative and I don't want to deal with it. And then sometimes I don't know why. I just do."

 

If he has an issue with porn, I'll gladly be as supportive as I can. Obviously I'm not being that supportive 'now' because it's hurting me.. And, how can someone who has a problem be open and honest with someone that just jumps back down their throat and makes them feel terrible about it? I don't want him to be embarrassed to talk to me about it. At all. Honestly, tell me your fantasies. Tell me what you want. I'll make that happen.

 

Again - sorry for the long reply.

 

Edit - We still haven't talked. I almost don't want to. I haven't asked about it, I haven't asked about talking and I haven't brought up the situation. In bed, I told him I'm sorry. He said me too. So, maybe it was just dropped.

Edited October 15, 2014 by amy1979

[braindamage]

The things he says about ex-wife/ex-gf: you're only getting one side of the story. That they started to do the same things you find yourself doing is odd to say the least. Anyhow there's really not much to that if all he does is blame the failure on the relationships on Thierry 'craziness'.

 

As for acknowledging that he has a problem - it isn't outright denial but he's not confronting it either. There's an obvious problem with intimacy and he doesn't seem to realize it or doesn't want to realize it.

 

You're not going to resolve this is issue if he doesn't acknowledge how porn/lack of sex are a glaring problem. It sounds to me like he doesn't even really see a problem based on his responses. And you're never going somoem to address a problem if they think it's not necessary.

 

And very important stop blaming yourself. Self-medicating with porn or other addictive things to suppress problems is always a bad solution. Regardless of how good a gf you are. It's his problem and he needs to get real.

[amy1979]

The things he says about ex-wife/ex-gf: you're only getting one side of the story. That they started to do the same things you find yourself doing is odd to say the least. Anyhow there's really not much to that if all he does is blame the failure on the relationships on Thierry 'craziness'.

 

As for acknowledging that he has a problem - it isn't outright denial but he's not confronting it either. There's an obvious problem with intimacy and he doesn't seem to realize it or doesn't want to realize it.

 

You're not going to resolve this is issue if he doesn't acknowledge how porn/lack of sex are a glaring problem. It sounds to me like he doesn't even really see a problem based on his responses. And you're never going somoem to address a problem if they think it's not necessary.

 

And very important stop blaming yourself. Self-medicating with porn or other addictive things to suppress problems is always a bad solution. Regardless of how good a gf you are. It's his problem and he needs to get real.

 

If this is an issue other than my negativity, I have no idea how to approach him about it. He doesn't communicate. He doesn't like discussions unless he's the one doing it. And he doesn't like problems. If I express my feelings about something in a very calm, expressive way without judgement, etc; He will tell me.. "There's always something wrong with you. I can never make you happy."

 

So, in short.. I feel like if I keep my mouth shut, don't communicate about my feelings and smile, then he'll be happy. But who wants to live that way??

[braindamage]

Oh wow - sorry but I'm not sure to help with that.

 

Relationships are for a big part overcoming problems together - not pushing them under the rug.

 

I don't see how anyone can make a relationship like that work out unless their partner is extremely submissive and zeroes him/herself completely out.

 

Don't be that person...

[amy1979]

Oh wow - sorry but I'm not sure to help with that.

 

Relationships are for a big part overcoming problems together - not pushing them under the rug.

 

I don't see how anyone can make a relationship like that work out unless their partner is extremely submissive and zeroes him/herself completely out.

 

Don't be that person...

 

I refuse to be that way. I was just throwing out an example of how it seems that I should be. I wouldn't want to live my life that way. He knows he sucks at communicating. He just won't fix it.

 

He will leave every single time any problem arises. He claims that he does it because he doesn't like to fight. He will literally just walk away. And I know that he told his ex-wife that he always walked away and left and he was sorry for that.

 

His ex-girlfriend said.. You were never here. You always left. You never fixed anything.

 

So there we have it. He sucks at communicating and runs away from his problems. AND - I keep telling him the problem won't resolve itself if he can't help fix it together. Stumped, man. Totally stumped.

[Haerts]

I didn't go through every reply, but my question is: what are you still doing with this guy? 'cause honestly, if I was dating someone who would do just whatever the f they wanted like that, I'd just walk away.

 

Also, what seems to be the biggest problem here is that he's not into communicating with you. How the hell is your relationship supposed to work like that? Problems will ALWAYS appear, but you two as a couple should be able to overcome these problems. If he just walks away, then it means he's not really taking into consideration how you feel or whatever.

 

I know it's hard, but if he's not willing to change, then you should change and your change is: dump him and find someone else.

[braindamage]

I refuse to be that way.

 

Well good - how are you going to put that into practice?

[Gloria25]

I didn't go through every reply, but my question is: what are you still doing with this guy? 'cause honestly, if I was dating someone who would do just whatever the f they wanted like that, I'd just walk away.

 

Also, what seems to be the biggest problem here is that he's not into communicating with you. How the hell is your relationship supposed to work like that? Problems will ALWAYS appear, but you two as a couple should be able to overcome these problems. If he just walks away, then it means he's not really taking into consideration how you feel or whatever.

 

I know it's hard, but if he's not willing to change, then you should change and your change is: dump him and find someone else.

 

I beg to differ....

 

Yes, our partners are supposed to be there for us - but they are not our therapists...

 

From what the OP has posted here, she has a lot to work on "herself". Even "if" her bf would take the time to listen to every thing she had going on, he isn't in the capacity to help her. He doesn't have a degree in psychology and that's not why we get into relationships. We are not here to "repair" people.

 

I mean, she said it herself, when she starts with her thing, he's like 'ok, what now, what problem you have now?'...That's not fair to him. A man needs a woman who can handle her business and comfort him...

[Meg-FlirtyGirls]

Hi there,

 

It sounds like the both of you could benefit from some help outside of what either of you can offer each other. Have you spoken to him about seeing a therapist with you? Talking to a professional might make it easier for the both of you to sort out some of these issues. If he doesn't want to seek any further help it might be a good time to move on and spend some time focusing on you!

 

Good luck,

How To Attract A Man | What Men Want | How To Get A Boyfriend | Dating Advice For Women

[dreamingoftigers]

It's good that you see your faults and are willing to change.

 

However, your issues are separate from his issues.

 

Being accepting, sweet, understanding, admitting your faults, stopping the snooping- none of that will change anything unless he wants to change.

 

You both have issues. Those issues are creating a dysfunctional dance and unhealthy dynamic. Your issues + his issues=not a good match.

 

I suggest you be on your own for awhile. You haven't healed from your ex, and these unresolved issues and insecurities mean that you are emotionally fragile. That's OK. You've been through a lot.

 

You need to protect yourself from emotional harm because you haven't healed yet. And a guy who watches tons of porn, lies about it and refuses sex with you is not good for your emotional health right now. It's hard for you to cope. His behavior hurts you, and it's understandable.

 

You want to find a way to not be hurt by it, to take the blame because if you caused it, it won't hurt so much. You want to swallow your feelings and tell yourself "He turns to porn because I'm insecure and don't trust him". I think you should be telling yourself "This guy is not good for me."

 

I am so glad that QS wrote this.

 

It is 110% true.

 

Your issues did not beget his whatsoever.

 

And it doesn't mean what he is doing is okay or acceptable.

 

He IS RESPONSIBLE for how he treats you.

Instead of blaming his crappy behaviour on you, a healthy man would look at his crappy behaviour and fix it or set an appropriate boundary regarding triggers etc. Instead of diving in head first into more crappy behaviour because you "blah blah or blah."

 

Apologizing and even completely eradicating the faults you see in yourself (which is not possible and a completely unrealistic expectation) would NOT change his level of responsibility.

 

He doesn't get a ticket to repeatedly lie and violate your trust while withholding intimacy from you......because you have faults and issues.

 

What man sees someone that has been so abused, suffered so much already, has trouble setting boundaries etc...... and then emotionally cuts into his partner and lies to her the way that he does? A damned unhealthy man, that's who.

 

He is not good partner material for you. Especially with all of the untreated trauma you have.

 

I had severe untreated trauma as well. Spent a great deal of time in my life trying to recapture that love from my husband. To be disappointed over and over. Because HE has attachment issues. That's why he chose someone so traumatized like me in the first place! Not consciously of course.

 

But yes, men who don't tend to emotionally invest as much, or treat relationships with respect..... tend to get together with women who over-invest. Otherwise there wouldn't be a relationship. He wouldn't invest enough, she wouldn't invest enough, no one picks up the cheque at dinner or arranges date two. The end.

 

There's a lot here. And it is so hard to process.

I really hope for your sake that you don't fall in the trap of feeling "if only I had done or said the right thing he wouldn't hurt in this way. He would want me. He would want to be with me."

 

NO. He isn't being truly with you because HE HAS ISSUES. ISSUES HE IS NOT ADDRESSING.

 

And relationships like this really suck because when the thunder rolls in, it feels like it will never leave. And when the Sun shines, it blindsides you when it all falls apart. The anxiety doesn't ebb for longer and longer periods of time because it becomes "what now? What the heck is going to happen this time?" Then later on...." oh he really is showing me that he cares."

 

Then "we haven't had sex in a month and you aren't even throwing your kleenex in the garbage. Stop telling me this isn't an issue. Stop telling me that I am just like so and so who "controlled" you."

 

And once you realize that you don't want to do anything to jeopardize the relationship, you just feel trapped and resent the whole thing. Especially when you start making some real changes and he doesn't acknowledge it. Or says "you're only doing this because....." to completely undermine you efforts. Because there is something harshly rigid about porn addicts in particular. Then do not like change. Especially in the primary relationship. It just gets so damned toxic.

 

I really wish that you could take a good three month break from it all.

But I really hear that you are scared of losing him. So much so that you are willing to bear your remorseful soul in front of him. Apologize for being so negatively depressed as though that's what is really the whole crux of the thing.

 

It is a thing too. Don't get me wrong. It's also the thing that keeps you in this very young highly toxic relationship. Which I am sure that you wouldn't trade for the world. You are so invested in it after all.

 

Please don't take it as insulting. I know the feeling. I know that overwhelming grief that comes with trauma, feeling responsible for the bad things other's have done to you and lastly feeling abandoned, especially in your primary relationship. It is so lonely.

 

Please reach out to your friends so often. More often than your boyfriend. Every time he shuts you down or hurts your feelings or talks bad about your relationship..... call someone.

 

For awhile I had to call the Distress Center and talk to just anyone that would listen. Because I felt like there was no one. Then friends came into my life again. Anything that takes the central focus off of him and puts the focus on to helping you feel better.

 

Love should not be about suffering so so so much just to have the crumbs you can get from it. And I know he can really feel so irreplaceable.

 

I think of my relationship with my husband as having been a bad drug. It always had the promise of helping me feel good... Sometimes I got a bad batch. But then, if I couldn't get anything from it, it felt like withdrawal. I would do anything to get another hit. Did I have to apologize, beg, plead, promise, lose a bunch of weight? What was it? What would finally make him happy with me? And it never really worked. Sure I would get my hit for a little bit, but never as long as I thought. And coming down off of that drug is the worst. And it lasts. And it scars. Then weeks become months, months become years and soon you don't even have a "relationship" you have a "cycle." A really bad boom and bust cycle that is far more bust than boom.

 

I really wish I could just reach down and help you out of that well. Whether you stayed with this guy or not. Just whatever it took to help you realize that taking responsibility for him or anyone else's actions will not ever save you. As much as it feels like it, as much as it gives a sense of security. It is an illusion. The only person you can possibly control is yourself. That is the person whose choices matter the most.

 

Right now you are investing in a future with a man who is not returning the favor. I did too. What did it net me? I lost my 20s. I am coming to the end of my child-bearing years with one little daughter who has seen her Dad come and go. My finances are in ruins. My husband will not work as a partner with me and magically expects everything to go his way. I have no career, I invested in his career choices several times. But he lacks the motivation and discipline to follow-through on even great opportunities.

 

Where do you see this relationship going?

Does it even have enough of a foundation to pull through really?

Can you trust him? Not does he have the "potential" to be trusted. Do you trust him?

 

And would you recommend staying in a relationship with someone if you didn't trust them?

[dreamingoftigers]

I refuse to be that way. I was just throwing out an example of how it seems that I should be. I wouldn't want to live my life that way. He knows he sucks at communicating. He just won't fix it.

 

He will leave every single time any problem arises. He claims that he does it because he doesn't like to fight. He will literally just walk away. And I know that he told his ex-wife that he always walked away and left and he was sorry for that.

His ex-girlfriend said.. You were never here. You always left. You never fixed anything.

 

So there we have it. He sucks at communicating and runs away from his problems. AND - I keep telling him the problem won't resolve itself if he can't help fix it together. Stumped, man. Totally stumped.

 

Stumped?

 

He's conflict-avoidant and you are inundating him.

 

Been there. Done that. Would've gotten the T-shirt but he left with it.

 

He's not going to talk about stuff with you because that requires acknowledging and validating your feelings. Guess what relationship skill he's missing? Acknowledging (truly acknowledging) and validating feelings. Good luck with that.

 

Plus he's a runner and you've got that same depressed trying to get him not to leave thing. It hurts a lot. He can't relate to it. Doesn't understand it and views your feelings as irrational noise. Seriously. Read everything that you wrote about him.

 

He's a lying, run away partner who isn't a team player and withholds sex and affection while making lame excuses and trying to force the responsibility onto you (which he will deny).

 

I doubt he is taking care of himself emotionally on any level aside from trying to escape into porn or whatever else he does. Indulging in escapism is not self-care. It is trying to avoid your own feelings.

 

Seriously. It is really emotionally challenging to what I would call impossible to be in a relationship with someone that just wants you to mute or suppress how you feel and doesn't want to work on things together.

 

Please don't hear that I am just hammering on you about him. I just wish you were in a happier place and could see that he is really responsible for his treatment of you, regardless of how you feel that you are responsible.

[Haydn]

I have not read everything here so i apologise for making any glaring errors. One thing that stands out i can relate to is `blaming yourself`, and letting the other person off the hook by blaming all issues on yourself. Of course both parties should work to keep things going if that is what you both want. But some people are very clever at making us think we are the ones who need to change to fit them. In a longish RS this can become 2nd nature. Did with me, much to my chagrin. When the other is running away from communication it is only natural to question ourselves more and more. It is not you.

 

Good luck

[amy1979]

Well good - how are you going to put that into practice?

 

I don't know. Be more assertive rather than being so passive? Set boundaries, maybe? I went from an abusive marriage, being single for 5 -6 years after the marriage and then into this relationship. I honestly don't know any differently. With my ex husband, I just knew to put my head down, not make eye contact and just agree to whatever was happening. I never got help for the trauma that happened with that relationship. I just accepted it.

 

Stumped?

 

He's conflict-avoidant and you are inundating him.

 

Been there. Done that. Would've gotten the T-shirt but he left with it.

 

He's not going to talk about stuff with you because that requires acknowledging and validating your feelings. Guess what relationship skill he's missing? Acknowledging (truly acknowledging) and validating feelings. Good luck with that.

 

Plus he's a runner and you've got that same depressed trying to get him not to leave thing. It hurts a lot. He can't relate to it. Doesn't understand it and views your feelings as irrational noise. Seriously. Read everything that you wrote about him.

 

I know.. I really do. He's ran from every issue in every relationship he's been in. There's been times where he's acknowledged his problems, but he doesn't act on it. Meaning, he won't fix it. But I have to be honest here. I know my behavior is an issue. To a degree. I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me and uses my issues as an excuse to do so. But I do know that some situations, it was caused by my behavior. I have to learn the difference between accepting blame just to please others (as I have my whole life) and accepting blame for things that really are my fault.

 

Honestly. Yesterday, with my therapist, we went into detail about my past. Dissected it to get to the root of my issues. I need therapy for traumatic instances that happened in my life.

 

It's really hard to sit here and answer people about why I'm still with him. Do I trust him or not. Do I? I think I do. I've never had issues with trust. Never. I was always the most trust worthy person you'd ever meet. When I was married, my trust issues were created. They were created after numerous affairs. After lies and deceit. After that, I created walls and trusted no one. These walls were so high and so well built, that I stayed single for 5 or 6 years. When my boyfriend came into my life, those walls were there and they were firm. He tried for a year. Literally. This guy waited a year for me and never gave up. I gave him every excuse in the book. "It's not you, it's me. Lets just be friends." This was before we were together or even dating. But he was still trying.

 

We went on a date, it was the most amazing time I had. I invited him back over. He respected me and tried nothing. We watched a movie and I started to fall asleep. He kissed my forehead and respectfully went home. But I still shut him down after that. Even though I knew this guy was amazing and everything I wanted. I still gave him every excuse in the book. But he never backed down. I had a fall out with a best guy friend of mine and I was really hurt. At the same time, I was upset that my boyfriend, who wasn't my boyfriend at the time, was starting to give up on trying with me. And as I cried in my mom's arms on her patio about my friend, it was like I had some sort of revelation. That my walls were built because I thought they would protect me. But they weren't. They were built, but they were destroying me and preventing any happiness coming into my life.

 

That night, I let them down. And I'll tell you what.. I began to have an extremely happy life. I gave my boyfriend a chance and I can promise you this, I would have never, ever, ever done anything differently. Because he showed me love and affection. I was on cloud 9. That hasn't happened since highschool. We talked one night and I told him.. I said, "I'm really happy I gave you a chance." And he replied.. "So am I."

 

What I'm trying to say here is this.. I think I'm reverting back to my old self, in which I am slowly creating walls again. Becoming jealous over stupid things. Throwing fits over silly problems. Ending up doing the dishes in irritation where you slam things and put them down hard. Overreacting and assuming. These issues with myself are not healthy. I've become the girlfriend that I always talked badly about and have never BEEN before.

 

So to answer your question.. Do I trust him? Yes. I trust him that he is a faithful person. Do I think he does stupid ****, immature, selfish ****? Absolutely. I believe that he needs to work on his communication and stop running away from his problems. But I have to slowly introduce that to him, because that's just the type of person that he is. Why am I still with him? Because I love him. And a major part of me believes that we are meant to be together. That we were drawn together for a reason. We have no ties. No children. No nothing. So, what is making him stay with me? Obviously there's something there. Nobody would continue a relationship with unhealthy behavior if there were no ties together.. BUT, there's a reason. Maybe he's comfortable, maybe he doesn't want to be alone, etc; And I will find that out sooner or later. But, as of right now, there's a reason why he's here and I'm hoping that it's a positive one.

[braindamage]

I don't know. Be more assertive rather than being so passive? Set boundaries, maybe? I went from an abusive marriage, being single for 5 -6 years after the marriage and then into this relationship. I honestly don't know any differently. With my ex husband, I just knew to put my head down, not make eye contact and just agree to whatever was happening. I never got help for the trauma that happened with that relationship. I just accepted it.

 

Well yes - that's definitely the way you should be looking our for yourself considering this relationship. And besides that you also have some serious stuff to work out concerning the emotional damage you've suffered over the years.

 

If this were anything like a healthy relationship it would help you work on yourself but it appears to do the opposite

 

Perhaps I missed it but are you doing anything like individual counceling?

[amy1979]

Well yes - that's definitely the way you should be looking our for yourself considering this relationship. And besides that you also have some serious stuff to work out concerning the emotional damage you've suffered over the years.

 

If this were anything like a healthy relationship it would help you work on yourself but it appears to do the opposite

 

Perhaps I missed it but are you doing anything like individual counceling?

 

I agree. I think when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be supportive of each other. Its a little disheartening wen you can't exactly express your progress with your SO. He's more about actions than words. Like yesterday, I told him about my issues with controlling my body language, and he said.. yeah, you get really mean. And I do. So this morning I caught myself doing that for an assumption when he was in the bathroom. To which he said.. "remember that talk about body language?" I was like, yeah you're right.

 

I'm doing therapy for myself. He's not doing any. I went back

after stopping for a few month. Thought i could fix my issues by myself. Ha.

Edited October 17, 2014 by amy1979

[dreamingoftigers]

I agree. I think when you're in a relationship, you're supposed to be supportive of each other. Its a little disheartening wen you can't exactly express your progress with your SO. He's more about actions than words. Like yesterday, I told him about my issues with controlling my body language, and he said.. yeah, you get really mean. And I do. So this morning I caught myself doing that for an assumption when he was in the bathroom. To which he said.. "remember that talk about body language?" I was like, yeah you're right.

 

I'm doing therapy for myself. He's not doing any. I went back

after stopping for a few month. Thought i could fix my issues by myself. Ha.

 

Arg.

 

I really hope that you come away from this before your self-esteem is destroyed.

 

It is really hard to work out your own issues when you are constantly feeling scrutinized by someone else that lies and doesn't work on theirs.