moving away

[herself]

Well its been about a month and a half since we ended our ea and about 3 weeks nc initiated by me as I found platonic friendship too hard to handle emotionally.

 

I'm asking the following and please keep an open mind.

Aside from some romance that entered we did have a solid friendship and years where no romance was even in the picture. Lots of sharing about career, family, people, news, general life struggle...

In other words I think the solid majority of the time the true foundation WAS our friendship.

 

But fast forward here it seems so horrible to leave here without saying goodbye and being on good terms.

Id like to indeed use this move to help me finally close this chapter and leave him behind because I dont want to be the cause of a dday and I do have a good marriage already but I know with the new home, career and city my h and I will also have a new phase and an even deeper love and get even closer.

But its so crazy we are worlds apart when we were SO close and to leave in this state...its too hard.

Do I call him and make peace? He didn't want friendship to end but I had to end it.

It feels like I can't heal in this 100% NC state either, it just keeps it on my mind as it feels cruel to us.

He was 95% if not more always kind, loving, caring, supportive and friendly to me.

Its easier to go cold turkey when they're jerks...

I dont know the answer here but Id rather say bye...

Not interested in being bashed or reprimanded just want some feedback on this final phase.

[2sunny]

The only thing contact will accomplish is to drum up more emotion and feelings about your OM.

 

Stick to NC and stay strong.

 

Invest that energy into your husband. The man who gets the most energy/attention is the one you are likely to feel closest to. So every time you want to contact your OM- contact your H instead.

 

If you intend for the affair to be over then act like it. Keep in mind how you affect your H. You get what you give.

[DKT3]

Damn it herself, you've come so far in this now your looking to manufactor a reason to contact him.

 

Think about what you posted, mostly just friends? Yet in other threads you've posted you've been "in love" for 14 years. Why the change?

 

Just think about this worse case, you contact him one last time and it be the time that one of your spouse catch it. Little less "worse case" you stir up emotions and get sucked right back in. Honestly, what good can come of it? It won't give you any more closure then you have now, you a smart woman you already know that.

 

Just leave it.

[gettingstronger]

I agree that leaving it alone is probably the best course of action- I am however very impulsive and I also have a hard time letting things (bad ideas) go-when I want to do something it drives me nuts until I do it- It ends badly for me lots of the time- I guess I am trying to say I empathize with you BUT I do have to say- do as I say, not as I do- stay away for this very, very bad idea-

[2sunny]

What reason did you give your husband for wanting to move?

 

That's a pretty big request and without good reason most spouses would question why.

 

Even if you move far away it's still up to you to disconnect from the MM. You can simply do the same thing and stay where you are.

 

Enforcing a solid, healthy boundary is in order and not that difficult.

 

But you need professional help to stick to that boundary and understand and change your need for so much outside validation and attention.

 

 

Also explore why you think you have a good marriage while pining away for another man. It's crazy to think you can be that delusional about the reality of your marriage.

 

Look at facts...no lying to yourself. Have someone help you.

[herself]

Damn it herself, you've come so far in this now your looking to manufactor a reason to contact him.

 

Think about what you posted, mostly just friends? Yet in other threads you've posted you've been "in love" for 14 years. Why the change?

 

Just think about this worse case, you contact him one last time and it be the time that one of your spouse catch it. Little less "worse case" you stir up emotions and get sucked right back in. Honestly, what good can come of it? It won't give you any more closure then you have now, you a smart woman you already know that.

 

Just leave it.

 

You are something else...manufacture?

Im moving 10 hours away for my new job and we were together 14 years geesh.

[herself]

What reason did you give your husband for wanting to move?

 

That's a pretty big request and without good reason most spouses would question why.

 

Even if you move far away it's still up to you to disconnect from the MM. You can simply do the same thing and stay where you are.

 

Enforcing a solid, healthy boundary is in order and not that difficult.

 

But you need professional help to stick to that boundary and understand and change your need for so much outside validation and attention.

 

 

Also explore why you think you have a good marriage while pining away for another man. It's crazy to think you can be that delusional about the reality of your marriage.

 

Look at facts...no lying to yourself. Have someone help you.

 

New job...not due to A

[eye of the storm]

Herself, congrats on the new job, I hope it works out for you.

 

As far as DKTs post went, dont get too caught up on one word. To me his post read more like what you would say to an addict wanting just one last hit. It sounded to me like you got yourself out of an A (for whatever reason) and he is warning you to not open yourself back up to it. Contacting the ExAP is opening the door.

 

Sometimes when I am stressed about something new, I fall back into bad habits because they are familiar and comforting (even if they damage me in the long run).

 

Good luck in your choices.

[Lurkeraspect]

Well its been about a month and a half since we ended our ea and about 3 weeks nc initiated by me as I found platonic friendship too hard to handle emotionally.

 

I'm asking the following and please keep an open mind.

Aside from some romance that entered we did have a solid friendship and years where no romance was even in the picture. Lots of sharing about career, family, people, news, general life struggle...

In other words I think the solid majority of the time the true foundation WAS our friendship.

 

But fast forward here it seems so horrible to leave here without saying goodbye and being on good terms.

Id like to indeed use this move to help me finally close this chapter and leave him behind because I dont want to be the cause of a dday and I do have a good marriage already but I know with the new home, career and city my h and I will also have a new phase and an even deeper love and get even closer.

But its so crazy we are worlds apart when we were SO close and to leave in this state...its too hard.

Do I call him and make peace? He didn't want friendship to end but I had to end it.

It feels like I can't heal in this 100% NC state either, it just keeps it on my mind as it feels cruel to us.

He was 95% if not more always kind, loving, caring, supportive and friendly to me.

Its easier to go cold turkey when they're jerks...

I dont know the answer here but Id rather say bye...

Not interested in being bashed or reprimanded just want some feedback on this final phase.

 

It sounds like you're in a really good place emotionally. You've said your goodbye, took charge of your life because you knew/know once you crossed the line, you didn't want that.

 

My advice is to keep the door shut. Having a one last goodbye will set you back to square one and him too. Be a good friend to yourself and him and just let it go.

 

I'm sure it's hard, but sometimes relationships have an expiration date.

 

Good luck on your move! Sounds like exciting times are ahead for you and your husband.

[herself]

Thank you all its funny, I half hoped for maybe different responses maybe sympathizing with indeed saying goodbye to a long time friend (albeit turned eap) but I do in fact agree with the replies. Its going to be excruciatingly hard.

I think nc has been easier somehow because in the back of my mind within the interview process I thought deep down, this would be too big to not let him in on.

That eventually I would reach out because Id have too...how could I not?

But as the weeks have passed I've had thoughts of why go back now...I dont want to bring the old life to the new city etc.

The toughest thing is he knew my dream for this role and went through many heartaches of failed interviews and starting over. He helped me alot and would be so proud...but its a double edged sword.

I hate the way A burns friendship forever.

It feels like it wasn't a choice or what I was looking for to love him and vice versa.

Now our choices equal 14 years in the trash.

[whichwayisup]

process I thought deep down, this would be too big to not let him in on.

That eventually I would reach out because Id have too...how could I not?

 

But you two aren't friends anymore. You said your goodbye's. Things are over and NC is in place. This means no more sharing any news, good or bad with him. Over means it's over on all levels.

[couchcushion]

Herself,

 

I totally sympathize. I am pretty good with NC but in the circumstances you describe, I would find it almost impossible not to say goodbye. If it's a compulsion that you must follow through on, I would advise not a phone call, but a text message, saying something brief, and that if intercepted by either spouse, would not betray the affair. Something like...."feels strange not to say goodbye. So goodbye." Then put your phone away and hop on a plane/drive away.

 

Having said this, the other posters know you and your story better, and perhaps they know you are capable of sticking to NC. But if you find the pull is too strong to resist, and it would eat at you if you didn't say anything, keep it short and don't make it necessitate a response from him.

 

Best of luck. Hoping the best for you. NC is hard, hurting sucks.

[herself]

Thank you I likely will not, in his last call to me I was coming off my 2nd interview and he asked that if I got the job and would be moving if I would please tell him.

I said...I'm telling you now I can tell its mine, so you know and I've made so many uturns back to you I don't want to keep doing that.

He was really sad and faintly said he hoped it was all going to be really good for me.

So in hindsight I did tell him...and goodbye is going to be too hard emotionally so I don't think I want to make this new start on a sad note.

He's been growing more and more faint in my heart and mind and I better keep with that momentum and not cause a set back.

[A.Moscote]

He knows this is goodbye based on that last call, he is not clueless, you don't have to tell him anything. Keep on the NC, just avoid any risk of falling back, of disrupting your progress so far. I think it is wiser to take the safer choice and to be more mindful this time. Learn from your own experience.

 

Congrats anyway on this new chance, for your career, and for your marriage. I hope you will have a smooth transition into that new life. Be careful and good luck.

[herself]

I agree...its a tough one but its going to be best for all parties.