Jealous about MM & wife? I know many have been there...

[DKT3]

stillafool,

 

Yeah it could be that I am actually helping their marriage..UGH. FOr me, its opposite.. I noticed that when I am involved with MM, I am more irritated at home with hubby, cuz MM plays the great, admirable, perfect lover and I go home and compare all that to hubby.. how come for MM, he doesn't do the same? why doesn't he go home thinking how pretty and better I am than his wife and then get irritated with her? maybe he does, what do I know..

 

Anyways, im so frustrated.. I donno how to get over this jealousy.. Like right now, he is complaining to me how he is sick and everyone left him..and he has no1.. UGH..shut the H up already.. I donno what to reply to this.. hes playing the sympathy card, when who knows, his wife is gonna return home from work with a medicine bottle for him and make him coffee.. then why say all the BS?

 

HOW SHOULD I REPLY TO THESE KIND OF THINGS?

 

Of course your irritated with your husband, he is getting in the way. MOM is fast becoming the center of your life pushing everything to the backburner husband and child included.

 

MOM isn't having that issue because he isn't emotionally invested, nor is he replacing his wife with you. The more you invest in him the less you invest in your family. Its really sad because when this all ends you will be standing alone. He will be with his wife and family and you will be divorcing figuring out who gets the child when and how the split assets.

 

And for what? A guy you've known a few months and you have become very bunny boiler like.

[I'mNotYours]

Say this: "You are right! I should be there or somewhere taking care of you and you taking care of me. Tonight when my H gets home I'm going to tell him the truth about us because I can't take being away from you any longer. You are over there with that horrible woman who does nothing for you and we need to be together. Tell her tonight that you are having an affair and will be leaving soon. Let's compare notes later so we can plan our next step. Love you so much honey and can't wait until we live under the same roof."

 

I guarantee you if you get back to him with the above he will cut the bull and leap out of bed.

 

I love this!

[peaksandvalleys]

So he texted me and said how he would love it if I were there with him, to massage him, fix him tea, shower him, etc... UGHHH. omg.. I am going nuts..

 

I Just want to scream back "what is that woman living in ur house doing?? Why should I be responsible for all this??? What is she doing sitting there and not doing all this for u??? " But I cant type this..

 

Whats a more calm and subtle way of conveying that he should expect this from the wife , she should know and be responsible for all this and stop talking like this to me??? Ugh

 

The bolded caught my attention:sick: Are you serious? Why would a woman shower a man with a cold? You do not even see the unhealthy in this person do you? Remove the affair dynamic and tell me what woman is willing to shower a man who has a cold. I must be out of the loop.

[hello234]

So today I did not text him myself yet to ask how he is feeling.. I am sure he is expecting me to text him first and be like "are u ok? hows ur cold? " etc.. usually I have done that in the past but some reason, I don't feel like doing it now...It's like whats the point... no matter how much care, affection I give, what I am getting from it? him still sharing everything with wife, going to bed at the end of the day with her.. So why should I? Let her..

 

But of course i can just ask in a friendly way....should i text and ask how he is feeling or not?

[eye of the storm]

Why are you so worried about his wife?

 

I love how you stated that you compare how perfect he is with your BS and you want him to go home and think you are better than his BW. He may not be doing that because he doesn't think that.

 

He has a cold. He is fine. Good grief, you and he both act like he has come down with a life threatening disease.

[Lurkeraspect]

So today I did not text him myself yet to ask how he is feeling.. I am sure he is expecting me to text him first and be like "are u ok? hows ur cold? " etc.. usually I have done that in the past but some reason, I don't feel like doing it now...It's like whats the point... no matter how much care, affection I give, what I am getting from it? him still sharing everything with wife, going to bed at the end of the day with her.. So why should I? Let her..

 

But of course i can just ask in a friendly way....should i text and ask how he is feeling or not?

 

What? Of course he shares everything with his wife, of course he sleeps with her. Don't you do the same things with your husband?

 

Please...just...let...this...fantasy...go.

 

Just delete and block, live your life, respect yourself and those pesky vows you made to your husband.

[Sub]

Just a suggestion: If you're going to start a thread (of which there appears to be two on the same topic now), you may want to address the replies you're getting. You just keep asking the same questions/making the same comments and not responding to any of the input. It makes for a pretty futile exercise.

[whichwayisup]

So today I did not text him myself yet to ask how he is feeling.. I am sure he is expecting me to text him first and be like "are u ok? hows ur cold? " etc.. usually I have done that in the past but some reason, I don't feel like doing it now...It's like whats the point... no matter how much care, affection I give, what I am getting from it? him still sharing everything with wife, going to bed at the end of the day with her.. So why should I? Let her..

 

But of course i can just ask in a friendly way....should i text and ask how he is feeling or not?

 

No, don't text and ask how he's doing. Yes you care, but really, let's keep this in perspective here. The 'man child' has a cold. He's not dying on his death bed!

 

Bolded: Apply the same logic in your marriage and with your husband. Stop being so jealous and remember this is an affair, not a 'normal' relationship of give and take, sharing and bonding, growing together. That's what your marriage is supposed to be. Not an affair that's going no where.

[hello234]

so yesterday he was complaining to me how him and his wife have been fighting like cats and dogs these past couple days and she says stuff like divorce and that she wants to live separate.. yet, I see that couple days ago she had posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB...

 

Ugh, I am just frustrated to keep hearing all this and not know what to respond? Its not like he is gonna leave her either. Like what does he expect me to do seriously?? I just wanna ask him that- ok, what should I do about it?? U keep telling me about ur fights.. I mean if he wants me to be supportive and say, its ok things will be fine, then I can.. but what else should I say??? If i say just dont tell me, he turns it around and says That I don't care about his problems as a friend.. Should I just ask what he expects from me? How many times can I keep saying things will be ok? Need help please..

[2sunny]

What else would you expect him to tell you?

 

It's designed so you pay attention to him.

 

He lies - remember?

 

 

The facade on FB is just that = an illusion...especially given the evidence that he cheats.

 

 

What do you care? You're married! I'm sure you lie and pretend with your husband too. It's all the same. You are getting out of this exactly what you put into it. You can't expect truth when you participate with the lies.

 

And you try and "reason" and "make sense of it". You can't! You can't because it's all lies and an illusion you've created from all those lies strung together.

[hello234]

Yes I know all of the above and everything everyone is telling me.. He is a liar, an exaggerater,, I am no less doing the same with hubby, Yes ok I accept..

 

I just want to know how to REPLY to this guy when he feeds me this bull and makes it look as if he is such a great husband, tolerating his wife while she is the bad guy.. Ugh.. I don't know how to respond.. he is a bit clever and manipulative so I have to be the same way..

 

Do I just ask him str8 up like what he expects me to do?

[DKT3]

What else would you expect him to tell you?

 

It's designed so you pay attention to him.

 

He lies - remember?

 

 

The facade on FB is just that = an illusion...especially given the evidence that he cheats.

 

 

What do you care? You're married! I'm sure you lie and pretend with your husband too. It's all the same. You are getting out of this exactly what you put into it. You can't expect truth when you participate with the lies.

 

And you try and "reason" and "make sense of it". You can't! You can't because it's all lies and an illusion you've created from all those lies strung together.

 

Save it 2sunny, I don't even think she reads the replies, just keeps repeating the same thing over and over again. This whole thing is a total train wreck, I'm not confident she isn't trolling.

[Redheaded Mistress]

so yesterday he was complaining to me how him and his wife have been fighting like cats and dogs these past couple days and she says stuff like divorce and that she wants to live separate.. yet, I see that couple days ago she had posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB...

 

If you feel like Facebook doesn't accurately show what's going on, why do you keep looking?

 

Ugh, I am just frustrated to keep hearing all this and not know what to respond?

 

Don't respond. Or tell him you don't want to hear about his relationship with his wife. If you want an emotionally detached affair, tell him to have that, you need to not know what his relationship is with his wife.

 

If you want my opinion, I think you should get out... This seems so toxic and I'm not sure even you know what you hope the ultimate goal will be.

 

Its not like he is gonna leave her either. Like what does he expect me to do seriously?? I just wanna ask him that- ok, what should I do about it?? U keep telling me about ur fights.. I mean if he wants me to be supportive and say, its ok things will be fine, then I can.. but what else should I say??? If i say just dont tell me, he turns it around and says That I don't care about his problems as a friend.. Should I just ask what he expects from me? How many times can I keep saying things will be ok? Need help please..

 

Define your affair. If it's just about the sex, then say you don't want to hear about the wife. He says you're not supportive as a friend? Tell him that's not your job. You're not his friend and you're not having a friend relationship. Relying on your AP to help you work through your marriage issues is a little asinine if you ask me. If it were me, I'd have said "get out or shut up" and enforced that. If she makes you miserable and you're still there, then you're the idiot.

 

Like I said, I think you guys need to end it. And your parting shot can be that he seems so concerned with managing how difficult his wife is, and so you're helping him by making his life decidedly less complicated and exiting. He needs a mother, not an AP.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I just want to know how to REPLY to this guy when he feeds me this bull and makes it look as if he is such a great husband, tolerating his wife while she is the bad guy.. Ugh.. I don't know how to respond.. he is a bit clever and manipulative so I have to be the same way...

 

If he's clever and manipulative, the logical response to his behavior would be to leave... Not to figure out how you can be more manipulative.

 

What's the point of an affair where the mutual goal is to hurt the AP as much as possible while faking marital happiness with the person both of you know you really don't care about?

 

It's like you're complaining that you hate how he's hitting you with a hammer, so you need tips on where to go find a bigger hammer to hit him harder with when most rational people would simply move and say "stop hitting me with the hammer."

Edited October 15, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[DKT3]

If he's clever and manipulative, the logical response to his behavior would be to leave... Not to figure out how you can be more manipulative.

 

What's the point of an affair where the mutual goal is to hurt the AP as much as possible while faking marital happiness with the person both of you know you really don't care about?

 

She is surely not cut out for an affair. I just don't understand what she is looking for. It seems she wants this guy to ignore the fact that he is married they way she has.

 

The story is hard to follow (and believe) because she often complains either way. One thread its what do I do he is doing this, then the next one its what do I do he isn't doing the same thing I complained about him doing the last time.

 

One second she says I'm not leaving my husband, then its he won't leave his wife. If she isn't leaving, then why worry about if he isn't? Makes no sense.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

His wife is being MEAN to him. He needs you to commiserate, tell him he doesn't deserve such treatment, remind him of how special he is. She probably complained about him strewing the nightstand with piles of tissue and it hurt his fragile ego. You should be the antithesis of her. Listen to his troubles and build up his ego! That's what he NEEDS from you. Don't be demanding, don't ask him to consider your feelings, his nagging wife does that already. Keep him on a pedestal, keep inflating his ego. He'll keep you around forever if you do those things! When/if she leaves Then you'll be first in line to fill her spot.

[stillafool]

Yes I know all of the above and everything everyone is telling me.. He is a liar, an exaggerater,, I am no less doing the same with hubby, Yes ok I accept..

 

I just want to know how to REPLY to this guy when he feeds me this bull and makes it look as if he is such a great husband, tolerating his wife while she is the bad guy.. Ugh.. I don't know how to respond.. he is a bit clever and manipulative so I have to be the same way..

 

Do I just ask him str8 up like what he expects me to do?

 

I don't understand exactly what you are looking for here. You have asked the above I don't know how many times and people have given you pages and pages of instruction on how to handle this man. Yet you are back asking how to reply to this guy. Are you not reading the responses here? Are you saying people are wasting their time responding to you?

[2sunny]

Yes I know all of the above and everything everyone is telling me.. He is a liar, an exaggerater,, I am no less doing the same with hubby, Yes ok I accept..

 

I just want to know how to REPLY to this guy when he feeds me this bull and makes it look as if he is such a great husband, tolerating his wife while she is the bad guy.. Ugh.. I don't know how to respond.. he is a bit clever and manipulative so I have to be the same way..

 

Do I just ask him str8 up like what he expects me to do?

 

No! You simply do NOT respond! At all!

 

 

Unless you enjoy someone lying to you and needing to pretend that this is their truth...

[veryhappy]

It's like being allergic to peanuts. Only way to survive is avoid peanuts period.

[whichwayisup]

so yesterday he was complaining to me how him and his wife have been fighting like cats and dogs these past couple days and she says stuff like divorce and that she wants to live separate.. yet, I see that couple days ago she had posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB...

 

Ugh, I am just frustrated to keep hearing all this and not know what to respond? Its not like he is gonna leave her either. Like what does he expect me to do seriously?? I just wanna ask him that- ok, what should I do about it?? U keep telling me about ur fights.. I mean if he wants me to be supportive and say, its ok things will be fine, then I can.. but what else should I say??? If i say just dont tell me, he turns it around and says That I don't care about his problems as a friend.. Should I just ask what he expects from me? How many times can I keep saying things will be ok? Need help please..

 

Just tell him you'd rather not hear about his marriage and their fights, to keep it to himself. Stand up to him Hello! Why are you afraid to speak your mind?

 

He's passive and acting like a baby. You're not his therapist, you're his lover in an affair. If you don't like his treatment towards you, end it.

[sunburned]

My last reply on this thread was deleted for falling outside the LS guidelines (I think that means too harsh). Your posts remind me of my kids who ask a question then leave the room before they can hear the answer. Then they come back in and ask the same thing. But, with a deep cleansing breath, I'm going to try again just like I do with my children.

 

 

Hello? Most (certainly not all) posters here are here to help each other exit affairs, get over the damage caused by an A, maintain NC post-A, etc. There are some A success stories and those very few posters are trying to help others transition to a normal R. I can't think of any poster offhand who is around for play-by-play guidance on how to maintain an A though I think someone actually tried (tongue in cheek) and even she advised not answering as a game-playing, hard-to-get strategy.

 

 

His wife isn't talking D. She thinks her marriage is good. If she were talking D, she would not be posting happy photos on FB. When I had my A, I talked smack about my H too, exaggerated the tiniest of problems. My married AP did the same. It's sick. Bow out now. There is a reason you can't think of a reply. There isn't one. Do what so many here have taken the time to suggest. Stop replying. Stop engaging.

[2sunny]

Yes I know all of the above and everything everyone is telling me.. He is a liar, an exaggerater,, I am no less doing the same with hubby, Yes ok I accept..

 

I just want to know how to REPLY to this guy when he feeds me this bull and makes it look as if he is such a great husband, tolerating his wife while she is the bad guy.. Ugh.. I don't know how to respond.. he is a bit clever and manipulative so I have to be the same way..

 

Do I just ask him str8 up like what he expects me to do? Its irritating to me how he always talks about it..

 

HE expects YOU to shut up and don't ask any questions!

 

He expects YOU to stroke his ego and believe his lies.

 

IF that's YOUR idea of fun - go ahead and respond.

 

What a waste of time and energy. But you insist on continuing eh?

[the_artist_1970]

I don't understand exactly what you are looking for here.

Attention. Some people will do anything to get attention. Even bombard message boards with crazy talk.

[Redheaded Mistress]

She is surely not cut out for an affair. I just don't understand what she is looking for. It seems she wants this guy to ignore the fact that he is married they way she has.

 

The story is hard to follow (and believe) because she often complains either way. One thread its what do I do he is doing this, then the next one its what do I do he isn't doing the same thing I complained about him doing the last time.

 

One second she says I'm not leaving my husband, then its he won't leave his wife. If she isn't leaving, then why worry about if he isn't? Makes no sense.

 

I'm confused too. Is there a relationship here? Is it sex only? I guess I don't get why somebody who seems to irritate her more than her husband is somebody she's having an affair with.

[MissBee]

No! You simply do NOT respond! At all!

 

 

Unless you enjoy someone lying to you and needing to pretend that this is their truth...

 

Ditto.

 

I don't get why if you dislike what he says, thinks he's a liar etc you need to have some kind of response. Just ignore what you don't like. When people text me stuff I find ridiculous or don't want to respond to...I don't respond. So just don't respond.

 

It's not really that dramatic.