Trying to date a busy girl

[Teknoe]

Chiming in.

 

Observations:

 

The "do-or-die" attitude is extreme and too intense, as others are suggesting. SD, if you're going to view girls as strictly GF material or "I want no association with them otherwise," then life will likely continue the way they are. You need some friends. You can't keep hermitting it because one day you're going to wake up and be sad that you're all alone. Notice I said alone.

 

Not single.

 

But single AND with no friends to speak of (and to speak to...)

 

Your attitude right now is not helping your cause. You're striking out with the ladies when you know deep down there's a very small chance, and then you're deleting numbers and ending connections of girls who could possibly be your friend.

 

Thus, you end up isolating yourself and you continue down this path with no real life support system. We're all trying to help you but your views on girls is way too black and white. Expand your horizons and just have fun getting to know people for the sake of getting to know them. Relax and ease up a little! You are most likely coming off way too intense in real life because dating dominates your mind... there's no way that it doesn't come off in real life. And women who see/smell that will run away every single time.

[intricate]

I'm not looking for a wife.

 

What if... the girl you like is looking for a husband, though? I know with many women, we have this weird sixth sense about men when we know if they really do care about us or if they just want a "fun time gal" and that's it. This is especially true after we graduate from high school after getting our hearts broken once or twice.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to be used and thrown away.

[MidwestUSA]

Now that I got a reply from her, I'm thinking about sending a text.

 

"Dude, that's been like forever ago. We should go hiking."

 

Or I could suggest that we go this weekend. I'm not sure which is best since I'm just trying to be casual and friendly.

 

 

 

So you texted her one question that got you nowhere, now you're going to reply with a 'we should go' sometime text?

 

Easy enough for her to say 'yea, we should'. You know she doesn't want to date, but you're going to buzz around like an annoying mosquito until she slaps you.

 

And 'dude' may be okay, I'm not familiar with the use, but please tell me you don't interject 'like' in that way. Like, you know? Or is that just you trying to speak the way 'they' do?

[d0nnivain]

You may have been friendzoned already but she may also be "testing" you.

 

Having lunch with her friends on campus is a test. She wants their opinions of you. It's not a game I recommend you play but if you can't resist, show up during the end of lunch. Waltz up to her table say hi & then leave after 5 minutes. Make it look like you're too busy for her. You are too busy to have lunch with her AND her friends even if you would have cleared your schedule for just her.

 

You also mentioned this:

 

There is a chance she may go out dancing on Friday, but it sounds like she might bring a guy friend.

 

I'd grab a buddy make sure you look great & show up at the club. Nightclub is way better than lunch. If the other guy is just a friend, it won't matter that he's there. This was you will also get to scout out the competition & determine if she's playing games.

 

As a 20 something my friends & I would often turn down the initial request for a date but let it be known that we were going to be at a particular bar at a certain time to see if the guy was willing to make the effort to show up.

 

As for the hike if she is saying she's too busy, pressing her to take a huge chunk of time for a leisure activity is the wrong approach.

 

Before the next test, ask her to study with you. When the semester is over then you can revisit the hike.

[d0nnivain]

it's a waste of time to date any girl

 

Well there is a defeatist attitude if I ever heard one.

 

What is your alternative? A life time of loneliness?

[somedude81]

You may have been friendzoned already but she may also be "testing" you.

 

Having lunch with her friends on campus is a test. She wants their opinions of you. It's not a game I recommend you play but if you can't resist, show up during the end of lunch. Waltz up to her table say hi & then leave after 5 minutes. Make it look like you're too busy for her. You are too busy to have lunch with her AND her friends even if you would have cleared your schedule for just her.

I don't think it's that complicated.

 

She knew I wanted to have lunch with her, and so she invited me to eat with her and her friends.

 

Odds are she's just being friendly and not holding some kind of test.

 

Most people have told met that I shouldn't eat with her and friends, but not a single person has told me what I should say to her next time I see her. I don't want to be rude and just not show up.

 

 

I'd grab a buddy make sure you look great & show up at the club. Nightclub is way better than lunch. If the other guy is just a friend, it won't matter that he's there. This was you will also get to scout out the competition & determine if she's playing games.

 

It's not really a night club. There isn't a bar and they have ballroom dancing lessons. Friday night is swing dancing.

 

I don't think she's playing games either, she'd go dancing and bring a friend with her regardless of whether I go or not. I wish she wouldn't bring a guy friend but that's not my place. The last time she went out she brought a guy and a girl. The guy is just a friend and she called him her dance partner.

 

I don't have any friends to bring with me.

 

As a 20 something my friends & I would often turn down the initial request for a date but let it be known that we were going to be at a particular bar at a certain time to see if the guy was willing to make the effort to show up.

She could be doing that.

 

As for the hike if she is saying she's too busy, pressing her to take a huge chunk of time for a leisure activity is the wrong approach.

 

She seems to be busy during the week and be free on the weekends. So I'm trying to get together with her when she's free while being low pressure about it.

 

I just suggested we should go hiking, but didn't say when.

 

Before the next test, ask her to study with you. When the semester is over then you can revisit the hike.

 

There's actually a test tomorrow for the dance class. But since I'm not enrolled in that class and just show up, I won't be taking the test. It didn't occur to me to study with her, or at least help her. But the test is really easy.

[somedude81]

From your replies and your posts here, I can tell you that most of this other advice is completely true- you are coming on too strong for these women and it's probably a big part of what is driving them away.

 

Actually, it's the complete opposite. I don't come on strongly at all. My approach is too friendly and girls just think I want to be friends.

 

With this girl I'm trying very hard to let her know I'm interested. She should know that by now, and is still friendly with me. I'm used to girls refusing to talk to me once they know I'm interested.

 

When you meet a girl, of course you're going to think "I wonder if we could/should date"- that doesn't mean that is their only purpose! Stop thinking of every girl as solely being a romantic option, they are people with personalities and connections that are worthy of friendship as well. Having female friends is important and beneficial to you- for many reasons. Like another user said, if dating doesn't happen with them specifically, you can still meet her friends, and her friends' friends- etc. Also, hanging out with girls will give you more insight into their thoughts on dating, which could help you figure out what changes you need to make to be more successful. Of course, having more friends to do things with is just fun! Female or not.

 

Eh, I've never had a female friend introduce me to her friends. I don't meet women and hope they have friends I can date.

 

The fact that she seems open to casually hanging out with you could be a good thing, if you see it as a different opportunity.

I'm used to girl casually hanging out with me as friends. That's what I've done for most of my life. What I haven't done is actually dated. The only girl that I went on dates with is my ex. And that was 10 months ago. I want to spend time with a girl where our genders actually matter.

[xxoo]

Most people have told met that I shouldn't eat with her and friends, but not a single person has told me what I should say to her next time I see her. I don't want to be rude and just not show up.

 

What's your personal style? I can feed you lines, but they are my style. I use humor, and push a little bit. So I might say, "I decided not to join the ladies' luncheon today." (always with a genuine smile). If she pushes for why, dodge the issue entirely and redirect the conversation.

 

But the trick is to be breezy. Or at least fake it convincingly. You don't want her to get any feeling of intensity from you at this stage. It's off-putting, and leads women to think they "dodged a bullet".

Edited October 14, 2014 by xxoo

[cerridwen]

I hope you plan to buy xxoo a gift card for all the excellent advice she's been giving, SD.

 

She's spot-on.

[somedude81]

What's your personal style? I can feed you lines, but they are my style. I use humor, and push a little bit. So I might say, "I decided not to join the ladies' luncheon today." (always with a genuine smile). If she pushes for why, dodge the issue entirely and redirect the conversation.

 

But the trick is to be breezy. Or at least fake it convincingly. You don't want her to get any feeling of intensity from you at this stage. It's off-putting, and leads women to think they "dodged a bullet".

 

So deflect with humor and don't be intense with her at all. Thanks

 

I am starting to get a bit frustrated with her. I only see her two days a week and only in class, which I can't even talk to that much. I actually only talk to her for 15 minutes each day. I really wanted to have lunch with her, where we can just talk. Hiking would have been good for that too.

 

Is there any way I can get her to be alone with me?

[xxoo]

 

Is there any way I can get her to be alone with me?

 

Not unless she wants to.

 

This is the problem: she's deflecting. If she wanted to be alone with you, it would happen.

[GemmaUK]

Get your mind off her!!

 

She is not into you....BUT...she has invited you to lunch with the girls...

 

Do you know how much of a compliment that is SD?

 

She knows you are woman hunting and she thinks well enough of you to invite you into the girls lunch.If she thought you were a creep/boring etc she would not have invited you along.

 

Do it! Go! Focus on the other girls there.

Open your network.

[somedude81]

Not unless she wants to.

 

This is the problem: she's deflecting. If she wanted to be alone with you, it would happen.

 

That's what I figured.

 

So how do I get her to want to be alone with me?

 

She is opening up to me more and more each time we talk.

 

I can see a friendship with her starting to form but I really don't want to be just friends with her. It would drive me crazy.

 

Ugh, I feel like I'm asking for the impossible, but things really shouldn't be this difficult.

[d0nnivain]

The fact that they are this difficult is a signal that you are barking up the wrong tree.

 

You have been offered a couple of options:

 

1. Show up for lunch with her friends.

 

2. Wander by the lunch.

 

3. Talk to her in class

 

4. Go to where ever she is going dancing.

 

5. Offer to study with her

 

You don't like any of those options & are refusing to take them. Instead you continue to complain that she won't do what you want.

 

Part of creating a relationship is manipulating the opportunities you have been given, not lamenting the fact that they aren't in the format you want. Part of being in a relationship is compromise.

[xxoo]

So how do I get her to want to be alone with me?

 

You can't. You be the best version of you, and she has a choice. She's a person with free will and her own hopes and dreams, and you may not be what she's looking for.

[ComingInHot]

Heya somedude81,

 

This would be longer but I am really busy (get it?...*) BUT I wanted to let you know that your thread was important so I MADE time however short it is to let you know that, well... I think I just did, didn't I? Eh?! see what I did there?

 

As you become more important to her whether that is friendship or more (whichever you can handle or her) then she will make time, however short it may be, to see you*

CIH*

[preraph]

I think it's creepy you're focused on getting her alone. I feel you don't want to be around her and her friends. You said you don't have any friends to bring with you, so I guess that means you aren't very social? But you still expect to get laid? I hope you've considered that even if you find a woman willing to go off alone with you even though you won't be social in the normal ways, that that does not mean she will be compliant once you have her alone. You will still, at some point, have to have social skills to communicate with her because she'd not going to go out on some trail and just start making out with you behind a rock for no reason.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Truth be told, I'm already starting to feel that she's a dead end.

 

She's single, super cute and a lot of fun to be with. But it's been hard to actually spend time with her.

 

She says she doesn't have any time to date. Of course if she did, she wouldn't be single.

 

I asked her if there are any days when she has lunch on campus and she does on Tuesday and Thursday. I suggested that we have lunch on Thursday but she said that she eats with her girlfriends, and said I was welcome to join them. I don't know if that's a good idea.

 

There is a chance she may go out dancing on Friday, but it sounds like she might bring a guy friend.

 

I just want to spend some time alone with her. She said that she likes to go hiking. That is something I could do with her. I thinking about texting her and suggesting that we go hiking this weekend. Or I could wait till I see her in class on Wednesday.

 

I say keep trying to get her out one on one until you get your solid blow off. And if she doesn't like you it will come, believe me.

 

If she does like you, then gravy.

 

Until then, keep your eyes and options open and get ready to laugh it off if this one girl blows you off.

 

That's forever the key. Rejection is 'whateva'.

[somedude81]

The fact that they are this difficult is a signal that you are barking up the wrong tree.

 

You have been offered a couple of options:

 

1. Show up for lunch with her friends.

 

2. Wander by the lunch.

 

3. Talk to her in class

 

4. Go to where ever she is going dancing.

 

5. Offer to study with her

 

You don't like any of those options & are refusing to take them. Instead you continue to complain that she won't do what you want.

 

Part of creating a relationship is manipulating the opportunities you have been given, not lamenting the fact that they aren't in the format you want. Part of being in a relationship is compromise.

I'm not refusing to take any of those options

 

I have three choices for lunch

 

1. Don't go to lunch
   
2. Meet her and her friends at the agreed time and location
   
3. Just drop by and say "hi" then leave.
   

 

From the responses in this thread it's been pretty much it's been 50/50 on to go to lunch with her friends or not.

 

I always talk to her in class and we just started walking to her car together after class.

 

Next time in class I'm going to confirm if she's going dancing or not. If she goes, I will be there.

 

My goal is to cause her to start liking me as more than a friend and I want to chose the options that can lead that to happening. At this point I have no idea which choices are best.

[d0nnivain]

My money remains on you going to where ever she is going dancing. I promise my friends & I use to drop info about where we'd be all the time to see if the guy would show up.

 

I mean really . . .

 

Do you want to sit in a well lit cafeteria & drink soda with her or dance with her in a dimly lit club?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Dont bother going to lunch with her and her girlfriends....yuck...nothing but a third wheel...maybe they'll even stick you with the bill-what fun..

 

 

I wont get into the why's and how's, but trust me here...If you find someone who is really into you...she'll meet you at 3AM...after she worked a double shift...and she wont make a peep about how tired she is...

 

Move onto the next one..you are correct in your assumption.....dead end city...

 

TFY

 

I know she's not really into me. But nobody ever is. It's been a long time since I even got this far with a girl.

 

If I write her off without trying, I don't know how long it will be till I find another girl.

 

Totally in agreement.

 

It's the same for me. I never get a girl into me off the bat.

 

You might have a 'maybe girl' on your hands. Just keep playing until you see fit.

[somedude81]

My money remains on you going to where ever she is going dancing. I promise my friends & I use to drop info about where we'd be all the time to see if the guy would show up.

 

I mean really . . .

 

Do you want to sit in a well lit cafeteria & drink soda with her or dance with her in a dimly lit club?

 

Why not both?

 

I just want to spend time with her.

[d0nnivain]

Candidly, because right now in your equivocal state where you don't think she's into you, you don't have the confidence to pull it off in a well lit cafeteria. You need the mystery, the ambiance & possibly the booze of the dancing. Again, that is why I suggested you waltz through the cafeteria but only stop for a moment.

[somedude81]

You can't. You be the best version of you, and she has a choice. She's a person with free will and her own hopes and dreams, and you may not be what she's looking for.

 

Though maybe I am. She doesn't know me that well.

 

My selection process for girls is pretty much, 1) cute, 2) friendly, 3) not crazy. If a girl is all three, I'd gladly go on a date with her.

 

I'm sure women are much more selective than I am.

 

 

I think it's creepy you're focused on getting her alone. I feel you don't want to be around her and her friends. You said you don't have any friends to bring with you, so I guess that means you aren't very social? But you still expect to get laid? I hope you've considered that even if you find a woman willing to go off alone with you even though you won't be social in the normal ways, that that does not mean she will be compliant once you have her alone. You will still, at some point, have to have social skills to communicate with her because she'd not going to go out on some trail and just start making out with you behind a rock for no reason.

 

I have no problem with being around her friends. I just want more time with her alone.

 

Just because I currently don't have friends, doesn't mean I am incapable of being social. If my social skills were as bad as you seem to think they are, do you think I would have gotten this far with her?

[somedude81]

Candidly, because right now in your equivocal state where you don't think she's into you, you don't have the confidence to pull it off in a well lit cafeteria. You need the mystery, the ambiance & possibly the booze of the dancing. Again, that is why I suggested you waltz through the cafeteria but only stop for a moment.

 

Ah, so you think I don't have the skills to use the eating lunch situation to my advantage.

 

I'd say you are right on that.

 

The thing is, I don't have the skills to make her fall for me. I don't know how to seduce a woman.

 

I'm just trying to spend time with her, and through flirting and joking with her, she'd start to like me.