Trying to date a busy girl

[d0nnivain]

Ah, so you think I don't have the skills to use the eating lunch situation to my advantage.

 

I'd say you are right on that.

 

The thing is, I don't have the skills to make her fall for me. I don't know how to seduce a woman.

 

I'm just trying to spend time with her, and through flirting and joking with her, she'd start to like me.

 

 

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or discourage you. I am trying to give you the best advantage & it's not in a cafeteria of her friends. There you will be judged harshly by multiple critics. Go to the dancing thing. In limited quantities alcohol is a social lubricant.

[somedude81]

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or discourage you. I am trying to give you the best advantage & it's not in a cafeteria of her friends. There you will be judged harshly by multiple critics.

And thank you.

 

I do think it's too soon for me to be having lunch with her and her friends. Being judged now by them won't be in my favor.

 

Go to the dancing thing. In limited quantities alcohol is a social lubricant.

 

Oh I do want to go dancing. There isn't a bar at this place though. I don't know what they will do after they're done dancing. Last time I left before she did. This time I'll stick around. Ugh, I wish she wasn't coming with a friend.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know what they will do after they're done dancing. Last time I left before she did. This time I'll stick around. Ugh, I wish she wasn't coming with a friend.

 

So suggest something once the dancing is over.

[GemmaUK]

My goal is to cause her to start liking me as more than a friend

 

No one can cause anyone to like them.

 

You need to know/realise this.

[somedude81]

No one can cause anyone to like them.

 

You need to know/realise this.

 

Of course I know that.

 

But there are certain things that I can do that are better than others.

 

For example, continuing to talk to her has a greater chance of her starting to like me that if I ignored her from now on.

[somedude81]

I say keep trying to get her out one on one until you get your solid blow off. And if she doesn't like you it will come, believe me.

 

If she does like you, then gravy.

 

Until then, keep your eyes and options open and get ready to laugh it off if this one girl blows you off.

 

That's forever the key. Rejection is 'whateva'.

 

From what I've seen of her, she doesn't seem to be the type that will give me a solid blow off. She'll just never spend time with me alone, and leave it up to me to pull the plug.

 

Or we end up becoming friends.

[thefooloftheyear]

Of course I know that.

 

But there are certain things that I can do that are better than others.

 

For example, continuing to talk to her has a greater chance of her starting to like me that if I ignored her from now on.

 

 

Dont be so sure about that, buddy....

 

 

TFY

[normal person]

Why not both?

 

I just want to spend time with her.

 

This is a common theme I notice in your threads. You're sort of oblivious to the fact that there is another person involved in the interaction and they usually don't want the same thing you do.

 

I see a lot of

"Why shouldn't I do this? I want to spend time with her."

"Why shouldn't I go to lunch? Maybe she'll like me."

"Why does it matter that she never texts me first? If I text her, she has to answer."

"I don't really care what she thinks, I want to talk to her."

"Why can't I be alone with her?"

 

You seem almost incapable of seeing, even considering that she has obvious reluctance to do those things with you. And it takes two to tango. If she wanted to do those things or be alone with you, believe me, she would. She doesn't have any obligation to give you the attention you want. I'm going out with a busy girl right now. She'll text me "I'm free Thurs after 7, and Sat after 9, let's get together." If your girl was actually busy and actually wanted to see you, she'd make it happen somehow.

 

Right now she's giving you very strong non-verbal signals that she doesn't like you and you'd be stupid to try and force your way into a situation where you think you might be able to change your mind. If you keep trying to wedge yourself into all these things, she'll think you're:

1). Stupid for not getting the hint and 2). pathetic for accepting her pity, and therefore 3). in no way a respectable man that she'd ever date. The more you push it like this, the less she'll want to go out with you. I don't know how you can keep doing this to yourself.

 

I'm just trying to spend time with her, and through flirting and joking with her, she'd start to like me.

 

Has this ever worked for you? She already knows your persona and now she's trying to create a buffer between you and her. What makes you think you can flirt and joke your way into her heart? Do you sincerely consider yourself to be that engaging and hilarious? If so, why doesn't she like you already? I'm trying to keep your from embarrassing yourself here.

 

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or discourage you. I am trying to give you the best advantage & it's not in a cafeteria of her friends. There you will be judged harshly by multiple critics. Go to the dancing thing. In limited quantities alcohol is a social lubricant.

 

This is another thing. It was a pity invitation. After you leave, her and her friends will likely laugh, say bad things, and wonder why the hell some random guy was there crashing their lunch. Keep that in mind.

Edited October 14, 2014 by normal person

[somedude81]

The more you push it like this, the less she'll want to go out with you. I don't know how you can keep doing this to yourself.

 

Do you think there is anything I can do to increase the chances of her wanting to go out with me, or are you just going to clog up my thread with negativity?

[rester]

If I were in your shoes, with no friends to bring dancing on Friday night, I would become friends with this girl so that I could expand my social circle.

 

Invest in your future without immediate payoff. Get it out of your head right now that you have a chance with her. It will lesson the probability that you "develop feelings" for her, it will let you be more relaxed around her, and you might just have some fun with some people you don't have the hots for. Don't focus on her every day. Don't text her for any one on one time. Go out with her and her friends and don't focus only on her.

 

The point of this is to expand your network. You're so focused on getting that one girl right now, but if you think ahead a little bit and invest in your social life, this girl that you're crushing on now may help you find someone else in the future.

 

And have fun in the meantime.

[somedude81]

If I were in your shoes, with no friends to bring dancing on Friday night, I would become friends with this girl so that I could expand my social circle.

 

Invest in your future without immediate payoff. Get it out of your head right now that you have a chance with her. It will lesson the probability that you "develop feelings" for her, it will let you be more relaxed around her, and you might just have some fun with some people you don't have the hots for. Don't focus on her every day. Don't text her for any one on one time. Go out with her and her friends and don't focus only on her.

 

The point of this is to expand your network. You're so focused on getting that one girl right now, but if you think ahead a little bit and invest in your social life, this girl that you're crushing on now may help you find someone else in the future.

 

And have fun in the meantime.

 

I'm already starting to like her. The more time I spend with her, the stronger those feelings will become. I can't be "just friends" with her.

 

I've never met somebody to date through friends of my friends and I doubt it will happen with this girl.

[normal person]

Do you think there is anything I can do to increase the chances of her wanting to go out with me, or are you just going to clog up my thread with negativity?

 

Yeah, I told you a few pages back and you ignored it. It wasn't negativity either, I was trying to prevent your from ruining your opportunity by showing you how problematic your methods are.

 

Do the exact opposite of what you're doing. Show her how desperate and pushy you aren't. When you see her, have the most fun ever with everyone but her. Be the life of the party and don't give a **** if she's there or not. If you're really as charming, engaging, and skilled at flirting and joking as you seem to think you are (that is, enough to win her over at lunch) and she sees you interacting with everyone else, then she'll realize what she's missing out on, she'll want your attention, and she'll go crazy because you aren't giving it to her. Then she's yours.

 

You seem to think you have the tools, so that's how you use them. Best of luck.

 

I'm already starting to like her. The more time I spend with her, the stronger those feelings will become. I can't be "just friends" with her.

 

You should really learn to be. If you get that attached to any girl who will give you the time of day, your love life is going to continue down the path it has been.

[rester]

I'm already starting to like her. The more time I spend with her, the stronger those feelings will become. I can't be "just friends" with her.

 

I've never met somebody to date through friends of my friends and I doubt it will happen with this girl.

 

Maybe you could start a thread on how to be friends with women without catching feelings for them. This is a problem for you. It's a hurdle that will help you reach your goals if you could get past it.

 

Cute, friendly girls tend to know other cute, friendly girls. If you cut your ties with the first one, you cut your ties to the other ones. You have tunnel vision and it doesn't sound like you care enough to try to break free from it.

 

I'm trying to help you here, not attack you.

[clia]

Oh I do want to go dancing. There isn't a bar at this place though. I don't know what they will do after they're done dancing. Last time I left before she did. This time I'll stick around. Ugh, I wish she wasn't coming with a friend.

 

Frankly, I think it sounds totally normal that she would want to bring a friend out with her on Friday night. Maybe her friend is a cool guy that you might want to hang out with in the future? If he likes dancing and you like dancing, maybe the two of you could go out to dancing places to meet girls together?

 

Rather than feeling crabby that this guy is going to be there, you might consider trying to make a good impression on this guy so that when they go out after dancing (because I'm sure they will) they both want to invite you along. People listen to their friends. If this guy says "Hey, SD seems really cool, maybe he'll want to go with us to X," she might listen to him and invite you along. Don't discount the importance of a friend's opinion.

[preraph]

Sorry if I misread your character earlier about not having social skills, but it's the only way I could reconcile how you keep avoiding at all costs having her friends around or even one of her friends around. It just doesn't compute, as others have echoed. But I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. You just keeping thinking getting this girl alone will be some cure-all.

 

I'm going to echo what at least a couple others have said and tell you that the way to help yourself here is to accept any and all invitations to hang out with whoever asks you. But don't go and just suck the life out of the one girl who's there by only focusing on her. Use your social skills and talk to everyone at the table, asking them about themselves. Move from person to person and strike up a conversation. Get to be one of the gang. While you're doing this, you may get the interest of one or more of her friends. Don't assume they'll all be negative on you. It's true some girls are a bit cliquey and all that, but it doesn't mean there won't be one who'll decide she likes you despite what her little friends are thinking. If she really thought you couldn't handle yourself at lunch, she wouldn't have asked you. It's not a date. It's just a way to get to know people. Maybe one of her little friends will tell her she thinks you're cute and the girl you're focused on will start giving you a second look because of it. Or maybe the one who thinks your cute, you'll give her a second look.

 

Don't pass up opportunities to make friends. That's just illogical and NUTS. Separating a girl from the herd like she's a lame antelope is a transparent move and it's likely to be taken as cowardice, at best, creepy at worst.

 

Be gregarious and hang out when invited. Use your charms on everyone in the room, not just her.

[CrystalCastles]

Alright, here is my take.

 

I'm 22, so in her age-bracket. I'd never invite a guy I just met, if I were interested in him, to meet my friends so soon. It doesn't give me the chance to get to know him since my friends are there to distract us.

 

I also don't really buy the busy excuse. I'm very busy myself- full course load, chemistry honours degree, I study hard to ace all my classes, I work in a lab, volunteer throughout the week and I have a paper route. Its always been like this, and yet I put aside enough time for my boyfriend each week because he matters to me.

 

I wouldn't go to lunch with her friends. Unless you have a very commanding presence and are the center of attention, where you're cracking jokes and all her friends are laughing at them, it would be hard not to be a third wheel.

 

I think I'm getting pretty chilly vibes from her, based on what you've written. However, I don't want to say that all is lost. I've had friends who were pursued aggressively by guys who they had no intention of dating, and now these friends are in relationships with these guys! So it can happen. I agree with everyone on here- you are coming on too strong, and by that I mean too seriously. Be a little more light-hearted. Joke around, poke fun.

 

And plan outings with her. Don't say "we should go hiking", say "you want to go hiking with me on Saturday?". Generally, I prefer a lighter tone when I go on a date. I don't want to feel like the guy is going on a date with me because he wants to assess whether I am marriage material or not. I tend to prefer to think about dates as two people getting together and having fun doing an activity they both like. Its ok to be direct when you try planning fun things with her. But you still need to be less serious about it- be more casual.

[somedude81]

Maybe you could start a thread on how to be friends with women without catching feelings for them. This is a problem for you. It's a hurdle that will help you reach your goals if you could get past it.

 

Cute, friendly girls tend to know other cute, friendly girls. If you cut your ties with the first one, you cut your ties to the other ones. You have tunnel vision and it doesn't sound like you care enough to try to break free from it.

 

I'm trying to help you here, not attack you.

 

Oh, I definitely have a problem with quickly catching feelings for girls. Hell, I'm starting to develop a crush on one of my math tutors, and she has a boyfriend. The whole bike ride home I was mad at myself for starting to like this girl.

 

The thing is that I'm so desperate to have a girlfriend I cannot control my feelings for a girl if they are my type and I regularly interact with them. The only way I can avoid developing feelings for them, is if I'm just not around them. But that's just a boring and lonely life.

 

As I have said before, none of my female friends have ever introduced me to another girl that I ended up dating. Whenever I hung out with my female friends it was always one-on-one and it wasn't through any insisting on my part. It's just how things happened.

 

Frankly I'm used to things going horribly wrong with girls, so I want things to go wrong with this girl ASAP so I can move on.

[Teknoe]

I don't have any friends to bring with me.

 

SD you once said "I'll work on making friends once I get a girlfriend." Your quote above is a prime example why you shouldn't wait. Making friends can be something you do NOW while pursuing a girl. Why does it have to wait until after you've found a girlfriend?

 

And look, you just said "I don't have any friends to bring with me." If you had made more of a social effort in the past year, you could have made some friends. Some of whom you could bring with you and not go at it alone. It's less scary with friends there to support you.

 

This is why so many of us have been suggesting that you spend a little more energy on making friends. Does it guarantee you a GF? Of course not. But it will broaden your life experiences and perspective. And that can only make you a better you. A better you = more chance to attract a girl.

[Teknoe]

Whenever I hung out with my female friends it was always one-on-one and it wasn't through any insisting on my part. It's just how things happened.

 

Group hang outs might do you a world of good. Especially mixed group hang outs. It's no wonder you fall for these girls. Hanging out 1 on 1 can create a feeling of romance. You could do well to expand your social horizons and experience small group hang outs more. Who knows, you might even find a male friend or two who can help you along in this journey called life.

 

Have you looked into a singles group meet up yet? You said you would; I'm curious if you followed through on that or not.

[thefooloftheyear]

Oh, I definitely have a problem with quickly catching feelings for girls. Hell, I'm starting to develop a crush on one of my math tutors, and she has a boyfriend. The whole bike ride home I was mad at myself for starting to like this girl.

 

The thing is that I'm so desperate to have a girlfriend I cannot control my feelings for a girl if they are my type and I regularly interact with them. The only way I can avoid developing feelings for them, is if I'm just not around them. But that's just a boring and lonely life.

 

As I have said before, none of my female friends have ever introduced me to another girl that I ended up dating. Whenever I hung out with my female friends it was always one-on-one and it wasn't through any insisting on my part. It's just how things happened.

 

Frankly I'm used to things going horribly wrong with girls, so I want things to go wrong with this girl ASAP so I can move on.

 

Unlike many things in life, where if you are desperate and resolute enough, you can achieve it, attracting a woman isnt one of those things...In fact, usually the harder you want, the more you will fail....They see right through it..ANY perceived weakness just kills your chances and desperation is a huge sign of weakness....its like they have x ray vision and ESP all at once..

 

I know it was probably brought up before, and I cant recall it, but why so fixated on these younger chicks? Is someone your age just completely out of the question?

 

The only reason i ask is that Id imagine that trying to attract these younger girls when you are approaching mid 30s is going to be VERY tough unless you are Mr SuperStud...They are flighty, indecisive, often immature, and I would think its going to be hard to not come off as the "creepy" older guy among these kids..

 

just sayin...If you have to have it, I guess just keep pounding the rock..

 

TFY

[Teknoe]

I know it was probably brought up before, and I cant recall it, but why so fixated on these younger chicks? Is someone your age just completely out of the question?

 

The only reason i ask is that Id imagine that trying to attract these younger girls when you are approaching mid 30s is going to be VERY tough unless you are Mr SuperStud...They are flighty, indecisive, often immature, and I would think its going to be hard to not come off as the "creepy" older guy among these kids..

 

TFY

 

TFY, it was brought up in the past before, and SD pretty much said, although he can correct me if I'm wrong, but he essentially listed the following things:

 

-Early 20s girls tend to be more innocent and naive, something that attracts him

 

-They tend to have a lack of life experience, as compared to older women. He said he "needed" this since he, at 33, doesn't have as much life experience as the average 33 year old

 

-He thinks women in their late 20s/early 30s won't date him because their experience level would be too high for a guy like him

 

Again, he can correct me if I'm wrong or clarify, but I have a pretty good memory and I recall him posting such things about a year or two back in another massive topic of his.

 

I do agree with you TFY that at 33, it's hard to attract a 20-22 year old girl without coming off as "creepy." Unless you're rich in money, life experience or raw charisma, most girls in their early 20s would look at a 33 year old as "ancient" by comparison. Sure, SD claims he doesn't look 33, but he's most likely closer looking to 33 than he is 25. Even if others thought he was, say, 29... that is still a huge age gap for the average 20-22 year old.

[somedude81]

Ugh, this is so frustrating.

 

I can already see things falling apart with her.

 

She was late to class today and she walked in when we were doing a line dance. She didn't come over to where I was or even say hi to me.

 

When I had a chance to talk to her she was talking to a girl in the class and it seems that they had made some kind of plans. I asked her if she was going dancing this Friday, and she said "I don't know." Then she said she was spontaneous. I told her that I can't make it to lunch tomorrow and her reply was just an "OK."

 

Sigh.

 

I wish I knew what to do to so she can start to like me. I feel like I'm 16 years old and don't have a clue on how dating and women work.

[preraph]

Nail in coffin. You just rejected the only avenue by which was was willing to socialize with you.

[Imajerk17]

Ugh, this is so frustrating.

 

I can already see things falling apart with her.

 

She was late to class today and she walked in when we were doing a line dance. She didn't come over to where I was or even say hi to me.

 

When I had a chance to talk to her she was talking to a girl in the class and it seems that they had made some kind of plans. I asked her if she was going dancing this Friday, and she said "I don't know." Then she said she was spontaneous. I told her that I can't make it to lunch tomorrow and her reply was just an "OK."

 

Sigh.

 

I wish I knew what to do to so she can start to like me. I feel like I'm 16 years old and don't have a clue on how dating and women work.

 

The best thing you can do is to move on, flirt with other girls, and to forget about trying to get this girl to like you. You'd do yourself well to get the attitude that if one girl doesn't like you, there are plenty of other girls out there for you to meet.

 

Ironically this is your best chance of getting her to come back.

 

Feeling some frustration/disappointment in a situation such as this is normal. That you become so interested in a girl so soon though is a huge problem for you. This girl can probably feel it so she is pulling away. You need to do what you can to get it fixed.

Edited October 15, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Nail in coffin. You just rejected the only avenue by which was was willing to socialize with you.

Based on the responses I got here, having lunch with her and her friends would not have been a good decision.

 

So while I could have spent more time with her, it would probably not work out in my favor.