Trying to date a busy girl

[ThaWholigan]

 

You say 'those' guys and 'you' guys. How about we ALL get upset from time to time.

And to think that's what I meant

 

Again, you are upset about nothing. You are interpreting what I said as "us and them", so you've drawn that conclusion over a post I made that was barely even innocuous. That you took that from what I posted there is puzzling, but seeing as you're gonna get emotional about the use of pronouns, let me explain myself....

 

When I suggested I "grew out of it" by the way, what I meant was that I didn't blame intangible things out of my control for my lack of success anymore. That's a natural progression that I'm sure most of us will reach as we become more experienced. By explaining that I grew out of it, I was hoping to show people that it's a phase, a plateau that you have to break through, a glass ceiling to be shattered.

 

It was not meant to make it seem like I'm better than all of you. That I have to even explain this is retarded . Like I said, you perhaps need to figure out why that post pissed you off so much, because I'm at a loss. Even SD didn't take that post like that.

[somedude81]

SD, what about the girl you had lunch with and are going salsa dancing with?

I don't know anything about her. I don't like her yet.

 

She's friendly but I only talked to her a couple of times. Honestly I'm surprised that she agreed to lunch.

 

 

Why are you so bent out if shape? Just because she ticked off all your boxes doesn't mean you ticked off hers. There are numerous reasons attraction doesn't happen no matter how ideal a parter YOU think YOU would be.

 

I'm getting bent out of shape because I'm not ticking off the boxes for the girls I want to date. I wish these girls could tell me what they are looking for so I can work on becoming what they want.

 

I know I can be a great boyfriend, but women just rarely ever give me a chance to prove myself. Hell, I've only ever had one chance and the relationship was doomed from the start.

 

Deal with it. And move on. This self loathing is getting old.

 

You think it's getting old?

 

Try living with it.

[somedude81]

I'd really wish you guys would stop talking about my age.

 

When I was younger, I wasn't dating either.

 

So stop trying to say that my age is the magic bullet.

[xxoo]

.

 

 

 

 

I'm getting bent out of shape because I'm not ticking off the boxes for the girls I want to date. I wish these girls could tell me what they are looking for so I can work on becoming what they want.

.

 

This is actually easy. Get to know the guys they date.

 

The math tutor was dating a navy man, right? You can't meet him, but it gives you an idea of what she's into.

[somedude81]

I know it's frustrating, but if you look at the overall pattern with this girl, you two have problems communicating well with each other and your timing is off. Even if she had chosen you, there's a good chance it would have just been the beginning of a frustrating relationship for you. She obviously likes to have her friends around; that bothers you. The way she lets things just hang bothers you (and it should). She is probably just too immature for you.

 

That's not the case at all.

 

The only reason I didn't have lunch with her and her friends was because the majority of the people on this thread said that I shouldn't.

 

In spite of that, I actually texted her yesterday with the intention of having lunch with her and not caring if her friends where there or not.

 

Though it is a little frustrating that she takes a long time to respond to texts, but that was mostly because she just wasn't interested in me, or busy.

 

 

 

We all crave certain people we simply can't have. We think because we can envision such a nice relationship with them that that is how it would be if they'd only listen, but it simply isn't true. Everyone has their qualifications, their own quirks, their social style that won't mesh with everyone's. Some people are too easy to influence, others too opinionated. We all wish we could find that perfect match packaged in what we find attractive (or at least without a Sponge Bob face complete with unibrow).

 

Most of us will never get the ideal we have in our head because that ideal just doesn't usually exist. No one is that flawless. But eventually, some of us will meet someone we love flaws and all because their good parts simply make their bad parts worth overlooking.

 

I don't expect a perfect girl at all. From what I know of this girl, she was very close to my ideal. Though things may change if I got to know her better. My ex was my ideal woman in so many areas, but sexually there was room for improvement.

 

I hope you'll go work this anger off in the gym and then get back to that salsa class pronto.

 

Unfortunately working out doesn't affect my anger. There are other things I need to do that can calm me down. Time is the main one.

 

Either way, the dance class she is in is one I'm not actually enrolled in and just go for fun. Though lately she has become the reason why I go to that class.

 

Right now I don't know what to do.

 

Should I stop going to the class and give up on her entirely? Or keep going and just be friendly with her? Odds are that means I would have to compete with the other guy, even though she's made it clear she's picked him over me. It really hurt seeing her leave with him.

 

Also in my anger I deleted her number and text records so I have no way to contact her. Though it probably doesn't matter anymore.

 

I wish there was something I could do to turn this around. I would do anything.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

I know I can be a great boyfriend, but women just rarely ever give me a chance to prove myself. Hell, I've only ever had one chance and the relationship was doomed from the start.

 

It's just like that.

 

People say you are not improving, but I think you are making major strides. I've followed you on and off for a few years, and I've seen you progress from a friendzone infatuation to your first relationship and you now approach women with ease and in volume.

 

Considering that, sometimes you have to stop saying to yourself "It's my fault, I need help, I need advice." Too much weight on your shoulders.

 

That's what I'm trying to do now. You need to let some of the criticism roll of your shoulders and just be who you are.

[Teknoe]

I'd really wish you guys would stop talking about my age.

 

When I was younger, I wasn't dating either.

 

So stop trying to say that my age is the magic bullet.

 

Your age isn't the problem when viewed in the right context. i.e. if you were trying to date 28-35 year olds. But when trying to date 20-22 year olds it is absolutely an issue for most girls that young.

 

As for the younger thing:

 

 

You might aruge when you were 20-25 you were still dateless, so yes, it is more than age (though age currently plays a factor). Like others said, it's most likely a glaring lack of life experience and tunnel vision that has turned girls off. Everything to you is seen as a transaction to get a GF. People can feel that, and it's a turn off. It's much better when you're just having fun getting to know someone without a dating agenda. You can't seem to do that, and the results speak for themselves

[somedude81]

It's just like that.

 

People say you are not improving, but I think you are making major strides. I've followed you on and off for a few years, and I've seen you progress from a friendzone infatuation to your first relationship and you now approach women with ease and in volume.

 

Thanks dude

 

Considering that, sometimes you have to stop saying to yourself "It's my fault, I need help, I need advice." Too much weight on your shoulders.

 

That's what I'm trying to do now. You need to let some of the criticism roll of your shoulders and just be who you are.

 

By far my harshest critic is myself. That is one major area that my therapist is trying to fix.

 

The problem is that when I can't get the girls I really want to like me, my primary reaction is to hate myself. I'm the only one I can blame.

 

I just don't have enough success to have any real confidence.

[Lani]

I wish there was something I could do to turn this around. I would do anything.

 

..... except be her friend, right?

 

All you really knew of this girl was that she wasn't interested in dating you... yet now that she's walked out of a room with another guy you're acting like she's pulled rug out from under you?

 

Come on

 

She didn't need more time to get to know you to realise she didn't like you, just as you don't need more time to know you're not interested in ugly face (or D, F, G, U whatever rank she was)

[JuneJulySeptember]

This is actually easy. Get to know the guys they date.

 

 

Another thing you can do, is if they have an open Facebook page, flip through their mobile uploads and Photos.

 

The more ostentatious a woman is in her photos, the more I assume she is not for me. Also, I have an idea of the type of guys she likes from the crowd she hangs with.

 

TBH, this hasn't been a big factor. Most of the women I ask out and that reject me are on the plain Jane side.

[somedude81]

This is actually easy. Get to know the guys they date.

 

The math tutor was dating a navy man, right? You can't meet him, but it gives you an idea of what she's into.

 

Eh, some women date some real stinkers and the next guy is much better. Like my ex for example

 

As for the math tutor, I don't know if she started dating her BF when he was in the Navy or not.

[somedude81]

..... except be her friend, right?

 

All you really knew of this girl was that she wasn't interested in dating you... yet now that she's walked out of a room with another guy you're acting like she's pulled rug out from under you?

 

If being her friend could somehow lead her to giving me a chance I'd do it.

 

And yes, I know that she wasn't interested in dating me now. But maybe that would change when she got to know me better.

 

My ex wasn't interested in dating me right away. It took her a couple of months to really start to like me

[Lani]

If being her friend could somehow lead her to giving me a chance I'd do it.

 

And yes, I know that she wasn't interested in dating me now. But maybe that would change when she got to know me better.

 

My ex wasn't interested in dating me right away. It took her a couple of months to really start to like me

 

Exactly.. you wouldn't be her friend just to be friends.

There always has to be something else in it for you.

 

And your second point.. well.. that's what I was saying about the other girl. You're so sure you couldn't get past her face and have ruled her out already.. why can't other women have the same rights? They should be able to tell you no, and then have you still hanging around trying to convince them.

 

Be friends for the benefit of being friends... not with some hope that eventually they'll fall for you. That sort of pining is very unbecoming.

[JuneJulySeptember]

There is. Quit going after women who don't want you. You know those ugly women you mentioned earlier that are interested in you? That's probably about how your busy girl feels about you. Those so-called ugly women are the ones who actually like you, presumably, but instead of going out with them, you continually waste time on a girl you described as the best looking girl in your class. Unless you like being single, you need to make some changes.

 

Have you found that aiming down in terms of looks works for you?

 

I have found it doesn't work that way. Not that I have tried to do that per se, I just have found no correlation between success and lesser attractiveness.

Edited October 23, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[xxoo]

Eh, some women date some real stinkers and the next guy is much better. Like my ex for example

 

As for the math tutor, I don't know if she started dating her BF when he was in the Navy or not.

 

I think you missed my point. What kind of guy joins the navy? An adventurous, brave, strong guy. Whether she met him before or after he joined, he was ghe navy joining kind of guy.

[rester]

Come on, somedude. You're going after the hottest girl in your class. Even if you look 25, she's probably a few years younger than that and prefers guys her own age. I was an "older" student at 21/22 in college. A couple students I knew were 25. They were ANCIENT compared to most undergrads. They got asked their age because they looked older and people were curious. Nobody judged them for it, but they weren't dating 20 year olds, either.

 

These hot girls you're trying for are probably spending their weekends at parties and meeting 10-20 guys a weekend. They pick and choose and make out with guys on a Friday night and never talk to them again. They don't have time to date because they are focused on their studies and are surrounded by young men that they can have fun with and not be worried about them getting upset when they don't walk out of class with them. You think that guy she walked out with would have given a shoot if he saw you walking out of class with her? Doubtful. He might not even like her, or her him. They could just be friends. People have friends, especially college kids.

 

You're making your life so much harder on yourself by going after the hottest girl in the class. Set your sights a little lower. Find someone in the same position you are in. Meet people outside of this insular college world of yours. People know people that know people that know people.

 

This is one girl you've been focusing on for weeks. Meet others. Be open to others. I've always been a shy guy but I have outgoing friends that will talk to anyone. That's how I meet most people. Hanging out with friendly, social people.

 

All of us get down in the dumps from this stuff, but we have friends in our lives that lift us up and get us drunk and take us on 12 mile hikes that make us sore for three days. They help with social queues and understanding others.

 

You need an outlet for these feelings and I don't think loveshack and video games are doing you any good.

[Cristo]

Girls in college don't have a clue how old I am or guys for that matter.

 

I was in my math class talking to a guy and girl about how this is my very last class to graduate and that I've been at the school for several years. Then the girl asks how old I am and I say older than she is. Then the guys says, 23 I say no, then the girls asks 24.

 

As long as that happens, I'm just not going to accept that my age is a reason. Don't forget the fact that even when I was young I still wasn't dating girls. There is something else far more important than my age that is holding me back.

 

I also don't think that it's your age (well, not as much as people here seem to think). I also don't think it's your height or looks (though, these do hurt you).

I definitely don't think it's because you don't have a job, since most people in college don't and really don't look that far ahead.

 

I do think that it's because you don't have any friends there.

 

Do you go to parties? Socialize outside of class and dancing? Doesn't sound like it. I have a college near me that is filled with good-looking girls. I don't take any classes there, but I've dated and hooked up with many from there, all of whom are considerably younger than me.

 

How did I do this? Meeting them at parties through cold approach OR meeting them through GUY friends that I made. In fact, I met just about all the girls that I know through this one particular male friend that is very smooth with women and popular at the school (This is not why I'm friends with him though. I genuinely like him.).

 

You need to build some social circles, my friend.

[somedude81]

Come on, somedude. You're going after the hottest girl in your class. Even if you look 25, she's probably a few years younger than that and prefers guys her own age. I was an "older" student at 21/22 in college. A couple students I knew were 25. They were ANCIENT compared to most undergrads. They got asked their age because they looked older and people were curious. Nobody judged them for it, but they weren't dating 20 year olds, either.

 

I know that she's at least 21. So if she thinks that I'm 24/25, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

These hot girls you're trying for are probably spending their weekends at parties and meeting 10-20 guys a weekend. They pick and choose and make out with guys on a Friday night and never talk to them again. They don't have time to date because they are focused on their studies and are surrounded by young men that they can have fun with and not be worried about them getting upset when they don't walk out of class with them. You think that guy she walked out with would have given a shoot if he saw you walking out of class with her? Doubtful. He might not even like her, or her him. They could just be friends. People have friends, especially college kids.

 

I know that I'm overreacting.

 

Yeah I have things about myself I need to work on.

 

I do think that he likes her. The don't seem to know each other before this class.

 

You're making your life so much harder on yourself by going after the hottest girl in the class. Set your sights a little lower. Find someone in the same position you are in.

 

While I didn't make it clear, she is the hottest girl in the class to me.

 

She's short, cute and a bit overweight. She's not objectively beautiful. But she is what I like.

 

Meet people outside of this insular college world of yours. People know people that know people that know people.

 

This is one girl you've been focusing on for weeks. Meet others. Be open to others. I've always been a shy guy but I have outgoing friends that will talk to anyone. That's how I meet most people. Hanging out with friendly, social people.

 

I don't really have any ways to meet people outside of college, but I do talk to a lot of people. Of course I'm open to other girls. I did have lunch with a girl I barely know yesterday.

 

I just really like this girl.

 

All of us get down in the dumps from this stuff, but we have friends in our lives that lift us up and get us drunk and take us on 12 mile hikes that make us sore for three days. They help with social queues and understanding others.

 

You need an outlet for these feelings and I don't think loveshack and video games are doing you any good.

 

When I was down in the dumps my friends never did any of that stuff. All they did was make fun of me. That's why having guy friends is such a low priority for me.

 

My outlet is LS and my therapist whom I only see once a week.

[JuneJulySeptember]

It absolutely works. I figured that would be common knowledge for anyone with any dating experience. Easiest way to get laid is to hit on women that aren't as attractive as you are. Look at SD for example. He is hitting on the hottest girl in the class, but he got passed over for another guy. Meanwhile, there is a less attractive girl he thinks will date him. If he would focus his efforts on the type of girl that might actually date him, that less attractive one, he might actually get somewhere. Almost every single person I know is single because they keep trying to be with the most physically attractive people.

 

SD will continue to ignore my advice though. He doesn't understand why the hottest women aren't interested, even though he isn't interested in those average looking girls. Funny, that.

 

Hmmm. I haven't found it is true. At least not for me.

 

I do believe in leagues. But I have found after a certain point, people don't find each other attractive.

 

Like a female 4 will not find a male 4 attractive. At best, she will just have no attraction, and at worst she will think she can do much better.

 

I can see that if you are a male 7 hitting on 4s, then it works, yes.

 

For women, aiming lower to get laid would be assured of working, but that's not part of the equation here. :cool:bunny:

[somedude81]

It absolutely works. I figured that would be common knowledge for anyone with any dating experience. Easiest way to get laid is to hit on women that aren't as attractive as you are. Look at SD for example. He is hitting on the hottest girl in the class, but he got passed over for another guy. Meanwhile, there is a less attractive girl he thinks will date him. If he would focus his efforts on the type of girl that might actually date him, that less attractive one, he might actually get somewhere. Almost every single person I know is single because they keep trying to be with the most physically attractive people.

 

SD will continue to ignore my advice though. He doesn't understand why the hottest women aren't interested, even though he isn't interested in those average looking girls. Funny, that.

 

The girl I like is slightly better looking than I am. She is well within my league. Sort, brown hair, cute and a bit overweight.

 

The other girl is not attractive at all. I have seen very few girls who have a decent body but a face that isn't cute at all. I'm better looking than she is.

[Lani]

I know that she's at least 21. So if she thinks that I'm 24/25, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

Unless she likes dating younger, just like you do..

 

I don't really have any ways to meet people outside of college, but I do talk to a lot of people. Of course I'm open to other girls. I did have lunch with a girl I barely know yesterday.

 

A job would help with this..

And what about surfing? You still doing that?

 

When I was down in the dumps my friends never did any of that stuff. All they did was make fun of me. That's why having guy friends is such a low priority for me.

 

Then they weren't your friends.

You need to try and make some new ones, who are actually going to be friends to you.. but you have to know that real friends don't always agree with everything you say. My besties tell me when I'm out of line and I appreciate them for that.

[PJKino]

It absolutely works. I figured that would be common knowledge for anyone with any dating experience. Easiest way to get laid is to hit on women that aren't as attractive as you are. Look at SD for example. He is hitting on the hottest girl in the class, but he got passed over for another guy. Meanwhile, there is a less attractive girl he thinks will date him. If he would focus his efforts on the type of girl that might actually date him, that less attractive one, he might actually get somewhere. Almost every single person I know is single because they keep trying to be with the most physically attractive people.

 

SD will continue to ignore my advice though. He doesn't understand why the hottest women aren't interested, even though he isn't interested in those average looking girls. Funny, that.

 

Some of us would rather be alone then with a women we have zero physical attraction to.

 

I know id rather be alone then with anyone who likes me even if I'm repulsed at the thought of making out with them or seeing then naked..it just wouldn't work nor be fair to her or me

[JuneJulySeptember]

That's very typical. It's why you see so many male 4's who can't get a date. That female 4 would rather bang a series of male 6's who want nothing to do with her than to be with a guy on her level. Not everyone is like this, but I do see it all the time.

 

So.

 

If you were a guy who is a 4, you'd have to hit on women who are 1s and 2s.

 

What is a woman who is a 1 or a 2? Lol.

 

Heavier women in their 50s? I think a lot of them would be married tho.

 

See, that's the thing. Young women, unless obese, rarely rank lower than a 4 or 5.

 

How would a guy who is a 4 play your game? I consider myself about that.

[somedude81]

So she is better looking than you and she isn't interested in you. Got it!

 

 

 

So, you feel you are better looking than her, and you aren't interested. I can dig it. Do you see the issue here? You're beating your head against the wall trying to date a girl who is better looking than you are, all the while turning down women you think aren't as attractive as yourself. You want a girlfriend? Go out with that girl that might actually date you. Otherwise, continue cursing about how bad things are for you.

 

In general the woman is always better looking than the guy. The girl I like is well within my league.

 

The other girl is not attractive at all. I'm far better looking than she is.

[Lani]

In general the woman is always better looking than the guy. The girl I like is well within my league.

 

The other girl is not attractive at all. I'm far better looking than she is.

 

According to whom?