Trying to date a busy girl

[Lobouspo]

SD, why don't you lower your standards just a bit and consider dating overweight women?

[NJ123]

SD, why don't you lower your standards just a bit and consider dating overweight women?

 

He already stated he won't date anyone that aren't as attractive as him.

[xxoo]

Or perhaps it's the other way around.

 

If I had a girlfriend in high school and my first couple of years of college, when I wasn't lacking in areas that girls cared about; I'd probably be much more advanced in life than I am now.

 

If I had a girlfriend back then, and was happy, I wouldn't have struggled nearly as much in school as I have been while single.

 

I would also probably have had friends of both genders as well because I wouldn't be focused on trying to find a GF, I'd already have one.

 

Though for whatever reason, I didn't get the early girlfriends when most people do, and it turned into something that I've had to struggle with.

 

If you can see what the problem is, and what is necessary to change the outcome, does it matter if it was the chicken or the egg which came first? Or is that just an argument to distract from the salient point?

[ThaWholigan]

That's stupid. I really wish we had a facepalm smiley on here, I'd give you at least 3 for this.

 

You CANNOT rely on another person to give you that amount of impetus to do all those things. You need to do that yourself. You can't blame not doing well at school on not having a GF, or not having friends, or any of that. It's retarded. It perpetuates this counterproductive mindset that you currently have now.

 

If I did the same as you, I'd be nowhere near where I am now. Rely on a GF for my happiness and motivation to do things in life? I'd be f*cked. The penny is gonna have to drop. You managed to get a GF - we were happy for you. But - and I'm sorry to say this - it was a fluke. I'd be pleasantly surprised if you get another GF that way again, but I doubt it. And if it did happen again, it would probably end similarly - eg you coming back on here being depressed and sh*t. Everyone gets a bit depressed after a breakup, but they get back on the horse afterwards because they have other sh*t to do. Hobbies to continue, work to keep up, goals to reach, friends to chill with, music to listen to etc etc etc.

 

You have none of those things. You have college and salsa - both of which are used as means to continue your futile foray into a relationship meant to sustain your happiness - something a relationship can't do forever. You need other things. I said this to you as early as 2011 when I was a down and out virgin on the dole - it's 3 years later almost exactly and I took my own advice. I still don't have a GF, but I'm not depressed about it. You actually did get a GF, and yet you're in the exact same position - nothing's changed really. Progress has been minimal, the only progress being you're more willing to put yourself out there with girls, but that doesn't solve the root problem.

 

The problem being, you still have yourself convinced that only a GF can complete your life. If you don't seek to change that, tackle it, and change your priorities, you're in for a lot more pain. Spare yourself. Please.

[GemmaUK]

There is nothing I want more in life than to have a girlfriend. Until I can get that taken care of, basically nothing else matters. I can barely focus on anything else.

 

Then you will only ever come off as desperate.

Which means you are unlikely to get a gf.

 

Any woman with an ounce of self respect doesn't want that guy.

Reason being they are scary, strange, too nice, dull and often controlling, potentially abusive also whether emotionally. physically or both.

 

Women who have their life together want a man who has his together too. Otherwise she ends up being responsible for his happiness.

No one is responsible for another person's happiness. It's too much to expect.

[preraph]

I don't think it's his physical looks that's the problem, but I have no real way of knowing. I think it's that because they're so young, it's easy for them to tell he's not from their generation. You can be doing everything right, but each generation has their "tells" and they can usually spot someone who isn't one of them, so that just limits the number of the girls who would be interested back. It's not all about what he looks like or how old he looks. There's just a lot of other ways to put an age on someone pretty quick after talking to them.

 

He's working on this self-esteem issue that is making him think he needs a girl to complete him and until he makes some progress on that, he's going to be very particular because he feels a girl is a reflection of him on some level. I do think he could find someone in their late 20s who would be just as attractive to him if he'd stop focusing on the young crowd, and have a better shot. But you can't just snap your fingers and change overnight. These things take time.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't think it's his physical looks that's the problem, but I have no real way of knowing. I think it's that because they're so young, it's easy for them to tell he's not from their generation. You can be doing everything right, but each generation has their "tells" and they can usually spot someone who isn't one of them, so that just limits the number of the girls who would be interested back. It's not all about what he looks like or how old he looks. There's just a lot of other ways to put an age on someone pretty quick after talking to them.

 

He's working on this self-esteem issue that is making him think he needs a girl to complete him and until he makes some progress on that, he's going to be very particular because he feels a girl is a reflection of him on some level. I do think he could find someone in their late 20s who would be just as attractive to him if he'd stop focusing on the young crowd, and have a better shot. But you can't just snap your fingers and change overnight. These things take time.

 

THey do take time - time that SD is not going to put in because "girlfriend :("

 

There is nothing I want more in life than to have a girlfriend. Until I can get that taken care of, basically nothing else matters. I can barely focus on anything else.

 

Well then more fool you. Pain is necessary to a certain extent in llfe, but this is pure masochism. This is a pain that is unnecessary, counterproductive, and devoid of purpose. It's the equivalent of banging your head against a wall to get rid of a headache. But by all means, continue. Because only a GF can solve all your problems, and not you yourself.

[somedude81]

That's stupid. I really wish we had a facepalm smiley on here, I'd give you at least 3 for this.

 

You CANNOT rely on another person to give you that amount of impetus to do all those things. You need to do that yourself. You can't blame not doing well at school on not having a GF, or not having friends, or any of that. It's retarded. It perpetuates this counterproductive mindset that you currently have now.

 

No, it actually makes perfect sense.

 

The main reason I have struggled in school is my depression. If you're not aware, depression makes it very difficult to focus and it severely impacts motivation. A lack of focus and motivation obviously have a big impact on how well one does in college.

 

Now if I had a girlfriend from the start, I wouldn't be depressed.

 

 

You have none of those things. You have college and salsa - both of which are used as means to continue your futile foray into a relationship meant to sustain your happiness - something a relationship can't do forever. You need other things. I said this to you as early as 2011 when I was a down and out virgin on the dole - it's 3 years later almost exactly and I took my own advice. I still don't have a GF, but I'm not depressed about it. You actually did get a GF, and yet you're in the exact same position - nothing's changed really. Progress has been minimal, the only progress being you're more willing to put yourself out there with girls, but that doesn't solve the root problem.

 

I was only with her for six months, so of course nothing changed. Except for the time that I was with her, I was truly happy, plus my depression and all the ways that it affected me were gone. Life was better.

 

 

The problem being, you still have yourself convinced that only a GF can complete your life. If you don't seek to change that, tackle it, and change your priorities, you're in for a lot more pain. Spare yourself. Please.

 

Or I can just get a girlfriend and be happy.

 

For some reason none of you guys are understanding that I was happy when I was in a relationship. There was no root problem to be fixed. As long as I'm in a healthy relationship I'm happy. So why would I do anything else other than trying to get into a relationship?

[xxoo]

Somedude , if a person thinks they need booze to be happy, getting booze isn't the answer (even if it feels great for a while).

 

Getting treatment and a reason to live outside of booze is the path to peace.

 

Women will never be the path to peace for you, or anyone.

[rester]

There is nothing I want more in life than to have a girlfriend. Until I can get that taken care of, basically nothing else matters. I can barely focus on anything else.

 

What in the heck are you going to focus on when you DO get a girlfriend? You're going to have a lot less time on your hands.

[somedude81]

Then you will only ever come off as desperate.

Which means you are unlikely to get a gf.

 

Any woman with an ounce of self respect doesn't want that guy.

Reason being they are scary, strange, too nice, dull and often controlling, potentially abusive also whether emotionally. physically or both.

 

The only thing I may have been with my ex was "too nice." And is that actually a bad thing? I loved her and wanted her to be happy.

 

I was the farthest thing from scary, strange, controlling and abusive. I wasn't dull either. I also didn't let her control me and bend over for her.

 

Women who have their life together want a man who has his together too. Otherwise she ends up being responsible for his happiness.

No one is responsible for another person's happiness. It's too much to expect.

 

This concept of somebody being responsible for my happiness has come up before, and I have no idea how that's even supposed to work. Yes my ex was responsible for my happiness, but she didn't know it, and she didn't have to do anything special other than just be herself. Just by being with me she was giving me everything I needed.

[somedude81]

Somedude , if a person thinks they need booze to be happy, getting booze isn't the answer (even if it feels great for a while).

 

Getting treatment and a reason to live outside of booze is the path to peace.

 

Women will never be the path to peace for you, or anyone.

 

Except the fact that depending on booze has a lot of negative side-effects.

 

What are the negative side-effects to being in a happy loving relationship?

[xxoo]

Except the fact that depending on booze has a lot of negative side-effects.

 

What are the negative side-effects to being in a happy loving relationship?

 

None. But you have to be a healthy person first before you can create a happy, loving, lasting relationship.

[ThaWholigan]

My God. If I saw what I really want to say, I'm definitely gonna get banned ....

 

No, it actually makes perfect sense.

 

The main reason I have struggled in school is my depression. If you're not aware, depression makes it very difficult to focus and it severely impacts motivation. A lack of focus and motivation obviously have a big impact on how well one does in college.

 

Now if I had a girlfriend from the start, I wouldn't be depressed.

 

Sure, but if/when the GF leaves you, the depression comes back. The GF is a bandaid, a treatment - not a cure. And if you depend on a GF to not be depressed - guess what? Most girls aren't going to want to deal with that pressure. Say what you want - "they will never know I'd be depressed without them, I'm not clingy with them, etc etc etc" - but I'd wager you're more transparent than you think you are.

I was only with her for six months, so of course nothing changed. Except for the time that I was with her, I was truly happy, plus my depression and all the ways that it affected me were gone. Life was better.

 

And then she was gone. She didn't want to be your be all and end all. She pretty much told you as much "you like me more than I like you". That's the problem with relying on this. Most of these girls are going to leave you eventually. They're not going to want to stay just to make you happy - eventually they'll tire of it. Just like they would if I did it, or any other guy here.

 

Or I can just get a girlfriend and be happy.

 

For some reason none of you guys are understanding that I was happy when I was in a relationship. There was no root problem to be fixed. As long as I'm in a healthy relationship I'm happy. So why would I do anything else other than trying to get into a relationship?

 

I understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't f*cking stupid and a surefire way to increase your depression once you realize that no girl wants to be the sole source of your happiness - and keep assuming that girls won't clock, you'll be in for a shock!

 

You have a major problem, and you inexplicably think of this problem as a solution. And yet you wonder why you won't get a GF and cannot succeed in other areas of your life. No mate. YOU have it the wrong way round.

[normal person]

 

There was no root problem to be fixed. As long as I'm in a healthy relationship I'm happy.

 

Am I crazy, or is this actually a root problem?

 

Why don't you think you can be happy otherwise?

[somedude81]

None.

 

Ha ha!

 

But you have to be a healthy person first before you can create a happy, loving, lasting relationship.

 

There is only one way to find out.

 

I really don't want this thread to diverge into talking about my ex, so all I'm going to say is that I still strongly feel that I wasn't the reason the relationship ended.

 

If the next girl I date is emotionally healthy and ready to be in a relationship, I'm sure the relationship will last a long time.

[xxoo]

Ha ha!

 

 

 

There is only one way to find out.

 

I really don't want this thread to diverge into talking about my ex, so all I'm going to say is that I still strongly feel that I wasn't the reason the relationship ended.

 

If the next girl I date is emotionally healthy and ready to be in a relationship, I'm sure the relationship will last a long time.

 

It is entirely possible that your ex only dated you because she was not emotionally healthy at the time. A healthy woman is going to quickly screen out guys with issues.

 

Like attracts like.

[Phoe]

Really, when you were in college it was unheard of to date guys a few years older?

 

I really don't think that girls who are 21 would think that a 24 year old guy is too old for them.

 

Of course I'm not 24 but that's beside the point.

 

 

 

Makeup isn't a requirement but this girl gives off the impression that she doesn't care about her appearance. Makeup would at least hide her blemishes.

 

I prefer very light makeup.

 

Honestly I can't remember if my ex wore makeup on a daily basis. All I remember is when she glammed it up for date nights.

 

It wasn't unheard of, it definitely happened from time to time, but it was moreso just sort of a shocking thing. Slightly taboo I guess you could say. When I was 20 I dated someone who was 25, and I was definitely uncomfortable at first. I felt like a juvenile in comparison... He was in high school when I was in elemtary school. he grew up in the 80's, me in the 90's. It was like a cultural barrier was there.

 

And I remember my friends being shocked by it. Why I was dating someone "so old", how did I meet an "old guy" in a college town.

 

It was just a general vibe that existed.

 

 

Perhaps this girl does wear makeup sometimes. Perhaps on a date she would. It's salsa, right? Perhaps she doesn't want to wear makeup and sweat it up and clog her pores. I personally wear very little makeup to work, then remove it altogether at the gym.

 

Me without makeup is sorta just a slightly tired, slightly younger looking version of myself

[Phoe]

If memory serves me, the school that you went to is the school that I've spent a lot of time at over the past 2 years. From ages 25 to 27, I had no trouble dating girls ages 18 to 22.

 

So what you say is not necessarily true at the same place.

 

As I said before, I don't think that SD's age is his main problem.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, it happened, it just wasn't as common.

 

At least, for me and my social circle. The girls that I knew. We were definitely more shy and a bit nerdy. The whole "older guy" thing sometimes just felt intimidating.

[normal person]

 

I really don't want this thread to diverge into talking about my ex, so all I'm going to say is that I still strongly feel that I wasn't the reason the relationship ended.

 

To your credit, I think I agree with you here based on what I remember about that situation. I don't remember all the details so I could be wrong, but from I can tell, I don't think you were the reason the relationship started either. It was a fluke. I think she needed a distraction or something/someone to fill a void or take her mind off of her ex. You were in the right place at the right time. Which isn't a great thing to do (to you, or in general) but it's understandable. It seems like you were just the collateral damage. Don't take that personally, it's probably happened to everyone here and a lot of people here have probably done it to others themselves. It's a coping mechanism.

 

All that being said, let's not let your past relationship be the prism through which you view all your future interactions with girls; I don't know if it's that productive. I see you doing it tons in other threads. You'll make a post and then insert some info about how it applies to you and your ex. How about taking what you learned (if anything) from this much more salient experience and applying it to the next one? If you did that, I'd actually feel like you'd/we'd accomplished something.

[Phoe]

 

There you go being all different again. My GF has to charge her phone multiple times per day. Ever since cell phones became a thing, most girls I know have been like that.

 

My battery definitely last a while, and luckily spending little time actually handling my phone means that they last me several years at a time before they die.

 

If I'm not at work, my phone just stays on its charger, untouched all day.

 

It's honestly most useful as a clock. When I forget it, that's the only thing I'm annoyed about, keeping track of what time it is. Unless I wear a watch that day.

 

I'd say about 20% of the girls I know are similarly uninterested in their phones. But I do live in a slightly rural area, so that may have something to do with it.

 

Still though, given that some people may not be attached to their phone, along with the games people play where they gotta wait before texting back, I find it iffy to attempt to gauge interest based on how long it takes for her to respond. Looking at what she says and how she says it will be #1

[Haydn]

So many pages of mostly good advice and you still think it was not you? What was it then? Something in the water?

 

You really have to get a grip now mate. You paint yourself as so entitled. Your not, you are just like the rest of us who have suffered heartbreak. You want to drop out because you feel rejected?? Not wise. Girls will like you when you stop seeing them as some alien species. That`s what i get from your posts.

 

Ha ha!

 

 

 

There is only one way to find out.

 

I really don't want this thread to diverge into talking about my ex, so all I'm going to say is that I still strongly feel that I wasn't the reason the relationship ended.

 

If the next girl I date is emotionally healthy and ready to be in a relationship, I'm sure the relationship will last a long time.

[SteveC80]

Maybe lower your standards, today's women is as into looks if not more the men you might have to go for women less attractive then you

[NJ123]

Maybe lower your standards, today's women is as into looks if not more the men you might have to go for women less attractive then you

 

lol most guys refuse to be with someone their not that attracted to. Those relationships seem to be the ones where their just with them until someone else better comes along. I'm not saying it's just guys either, women definitely do this too.

[ascendotum]

lol most guys refuse to be with someone their not that attracted to. Those relationships seem to be the ones where their just with them until someone else better comes along. I'm not saying it's just guys either, women definitely do this too.

 

that's the catch. You see so much conflicting advice in SD'x threads over time. Some will say lower his standards and I can't say that's bad advice either, but then if he's just not into the girl it is not ultimately going to make him happy. Being in love with a gf is going to give him happiness not just having a gf. While people are giving him stick for having his happiness relying on having a gf in his life, to me the really clingy 'world revolves around their gf/bf' types are the desperate ones who jump into a relationship with any 'just okay' person who will take them. I don't think SD is quite like this otherwise he would have latched on to the chubby girls who showed greater interest in him in the past. imo too a big number of both M & F derive a big part of their happiness from their gf/bf. It not unreasonable to expect the harder it is to find that for someone the bigger of a deal it is. For plenty out there (both M & F) getting ons/flings/fwbs between relationships help sustain their pysche. I would say most of the long term single people I know who aren't getting laid on the side that I know off have low level dysthymia but are still highly functioning.

 

By dropping his standards to a girl that he just meh over, you would get a slather of posts from women here telling him off. Its not fair to the girl to settle for her, or don't use girls just to get experience,or let her go so she can find someone who truly desires her, etc.

 

When I was going through relationship drought I got advice from both M & F friends in this regard (lower standards and stop wanting a slim girl), and it was very much a case of 'follow what I say not as I do'. They weren't following their own advice, and that's the thing plenty of people can be shallow & judgmental in their choices as long as they can land the guys/girls they want, people don't get phased over it.

 

I personally think he should lower his standards though, as much as it will piss off women here, for the sake of life experience. As he's getting older + because of big gaps between girls, he probably has a long term mindset when it comes to a relationship. I think he should go for girls who are not going to be as difficult to get but have a STR mindset (and don't lead the girl on that there is a long term future if she starts to express that). You can still have good times & good memories with someone you are not gaga over and it well help round out his personality + give him the relationship experience that he will get judged on when he dates older women.

While I have dug my heels in over getting a girl that really turned me on I also did this too.