Trying to date a busy girl

[Lani]

SD- it's easy to think this girl is perfect when you knew next to nothing about her.

Don't be so shallow and base her perfection on her looks and a couple of semi-flirty encounters.

She stopped talking to you, talked to another guy, grabbed her bag and left, throwing you a 'take that, sucka!!' glance on the way out. It's a bit of a dick move, but it was obviously what she had to to get you off her back.

Don't force girls to be this obvious with you then stamp your feet like a 5 year old.

 

Grow up.

[Lani]

that's the catch. You see so much conflicting advice in SD'x threads over time. Some will say lower his standards and I can't say that's bad advice either, but then if he's just not into the girl it is not ultimately going to make him happy. Being in love with a gf is going to give him happiness not just having a gf. While people are giving him stick for having his happiness relying on having a gf in his life, to me the really clingy 'world revolves around their gf/bf' types are the desperate ones who jump into a relationship with any 'just okay' person who will take them. I don't think SD is quite like this otherwise he would have latched on to the chubby girls who showed greater interest in him in the past. imo too a big number of both M & F derive a big part of their happiness from their gf/bf. It not unreasonable to expect the harder it is to find that for someone the bigger of a deal it is. For plenty out there (both M & F) getting ons/flings/fwbs between relationships help sustain their pysche. I would say most of the long term single people I know who aren't getting laid on the side that I know off have low level dysthymia but are still highly functioning.

 

By dropping his standards to a girl that he just meh over, you would get a slather of posts from women here telling him off. Its not fair to the girl to settle for her, or don't use girls just to get experience,or let her go so she can find someone who truly desires her, etc.

 

When I was going through relationship drought I got advice from both M & F friends in this regard (lower standards and stop wanting a slim girl), and it was very much a case of 'follow what I say not as I do'. They weren't following their own advice, and that's the thing plenty of people can be shallow & judgmental in their choices as long as they can land the guys/girls they want, people don't get phased over it.

 

I personally think he should lower his standards though, as much as it will piss off women here, for the sake of life experience. As he's getting older + because of big gaps between girls, he probably has a long term mindset when it comes to a relationship. I think he should go for girls who are not going to be as difficult to get but have a STR mindset (and don't lead the girl on that there is a long term future if she starts to express that). You can still have good times & good memories with someone you are not gaga over and it well help round out his personality + give him the relationship experience that he will get judged on when he dates older women.

While I have dug my heels in over getting a girl that really turned me on I also did this too.

 

It's about him being realistic in the first place though.

If we look at what we've got, other than love SD doesn't really have much to offer a woman. He's not graduated college (yet), has no friends (and therefore very little social life), he doesn't have a job, he can't really cook, doesn't have a wealth of experience in relationships... I could go on.

He's looking outside his league in far more ways than just looks, he just can't see it. Until he realises this he's going to be stagnant. End of story.

 

He's also said it himself that he doesn't want to be friends with any females because he'll end up falling for them.. however he won't even consider this option with girls he doesn't find attractive?

 

Huh?

[Content]

I think SD has been given a lot of good advice including the friend thing.its not just about them helping you meet women it helps when you are feeling down or lonely and have people who care about you and have your back

 

The only thing I disk agree with are the people getting on him about looks and how they'res some mathematical equation of looks and that people should only go for their exact equals in looks.

 

I think the op should go after who he finds attractive or it won't work BUT he needs to improve in other areas before he can do that.

[somedude81]

Lowering my standards to date women I think are unattractive, not even neutral, is a recipe for disaster.

 

Which girl do you think would be happier in a relationship with me

 

A girl that I think is ugly and am only with her because she's a warm body?

 

Or a girl that I'm absolutely crazy about?

[Content]

Lowering my standards to date women I think are unattractive, not even neutral, is a recipe for disaster.

 

Which girl do you think would be happier in a relationship with me

 

A girl that I think is ugly and am only with her because she's a warm body?

 

Or a girl that I'm absolutely crazy about?

 

I agree with you on this it wouldn't be fair to you or the girl.

 

It doesn't sound like you're just going after supermodels or anything.Its weird that some people are harping on you go after women you have little attraction to, that wouldn't be healthy for anyone involved.

[NJ123]

I agree with you on this it wouldn't be fair to you or the girl.

 

It doesn't sound like you're just going after supermodels or anything.Its weird that some people are harping on you go after women you have little attraction to, that wouldn't be healthy for anyone involved.

 

Exactly. The truth is that no guy wants to be with someone their not attracted to. I don't understand why some say to lower your standards. It just won't work out. And it's not shallow because looks are the first thing that people see in terms of whether their willing to date you or not. You could have an amazing personality, but if there's no sexual attraction than your in the friend zone at best.

[xxoo]

Don't date women you aren't attracted to.

 

But don't have tantrums when women you want don't want you, especially if you refuse to do the work to grow into a desirable man.

 

What is the guy busy girl left with like?

[Lani]

Exactly. The truth is that no guy wants to be with someone their not attracted to. I don't understand why some say to lower your standards. It just won't work out. And it's not shallow because looks are the first thing that people see in terms of whether their willing to date you or not. You could have an amazing personality, but if there's no sexual attraction than your in the friend zone at best.

 

I agree with this. Nobody should be with anyone they're not attracted to, it's not fair on anyone.

 

BUT!

SD has claimed himself that he can't be friends with women as he ends up falling for them.. so.. why not just establish friendships with women he doesn't find attractive? If nothing else, he'll come out of it with a friend, who can potentially support him through things, give him advice, hang out on weekends, etc. and at best that friendship may blossom into more.

The thing about this is that he needs to go in open minded that it may well just be friendship.. And apparently that's not worth the hassle?

[somedude81]

Don't date women you aren't attracted to.

 

But don't have tantrums when women you want don't want you,

 

The tantrum was because that this is the type of thing that always happens to me. I never get the girl I want. And the one time it actually happened, the relationship never had a chance.

 

especially if you refuse to do the work to grow into a desirable man.

 

Yup, I'm not doing anything at all to try and become a better man. Nope not at all.

 

What is the guy busy girl left with like?

 

I've never talked to him but he seems to be about equal to me in looks. So that means that he's talked to her differently than I have. Somehow she responded to something he said. That's what I need to figure out how to do.

 

How to talk to women in a way that makes them interested in me.

[ascendotum]

It's about him being realistic in the first place though.

If we look at what we've got, other than love SD doesn't really have much to offer a woman. He's not graduated college (yet), has no friends (and therefore very little social life), he doesn't have a job, he can't really cook, doesn't have a wealth of experience in relationships... I could go on.

He's looking outside his league in far more ways than just looks, he just can't see it. Until he realises this he's going to be stagnant. End of story.

 

He's also said it himself that he doesn't want to be friends with any females because he'll end up falling for them.. however he won't even consider this option with girls he doesn't find attractive?

 

Huh?

 

I fully agree with your last comment on female friends. I think he is letting himself down there too. At the same time though over the years I noticed the more desirable you are as a guy in terms of a relationship/nsa, its also much easier to attract women as friends. The guys who had hard time to get gf also had a hard time finding 'genuine put as much effort into a friendship as they did' female friends. Too many times too though the guys focused on women who they desired. I guess it male nature, as some other guys have commented on here before.

 

also as regards to 'looking outside his league', I cant speak for SD, but knowing other guys who struggled, many of them really weren't asking for a lot. It sounds shallow but their big primary attribute was 'don't be fat'. they also wanted a girl that was somewhat cute or just feminine. Looks are not as subjective as people here like to make out, but they certainly were not looking for a hottie or a babe or a glamor puss. They didn't care if the girl are especially intelligent or not, or if she had a career or just a job or if she was ambitious or if she was outgoing & vivacious or if she had lots of friends or if she had an exciting life or if traveled lots or had cool hobbies or went to hip night spots or if she played sports and didn't care if she was shy or had insecurities. On one level it is shallow (stemming from their reduced options) but on another level it also is not asking for much more than themselves...in their opinion. While they certainly were not cute or handsome they were not ugly or total goobers either...just ordinary looks (some chubby some skinny some short some balding), not overtly confident somewhat bland 'nice guys' with decent job. The bottom line is..the singles market determines your value.

[xxoo]

I agree with this. Nobody should be with anyone they're not attracted to, it's not fair on anyone.

 

BUT!

SD has claimed himself that he can't be friends with women as he ends up falling for them.. so.. why not just establish friendships with women he doesn't find attractive? If nothing else, he'll come out of it with a friend, who can potentially support him through things, give him advice, hang out on weekends, etc. and at best that friendship may blossom into more.

The thing about this is that he needs to go in open minded that it may well just be friendship.. And apparently that's not worth the hassle?

 

I don't understand why not, either. If the risk is that he'll grow attracted, all the better! Maybe a mutual attraction would spark naturally, as it happens for so many couples in the world.

[somedude81]

I agree with this. Nobody should be with anyone they're not attracted to, it's not fair on anyone.

 

BUT!

SD has claimed himself that he can't be friends with women as he ends up falling for them.. so.. why not just establish friendships with women he doesn't find attractive? If nothing else, he'll come out of it with a friend, who can potentially support him through things, give him advice, hang out on weekends, etc. and at best that friendship may blossom into more.

The thing about this is that he needs to go in open minded that it may well just be friendship.. And apparently that's not worth the hassle?

 

It takes effort to make friends with people, no matter what gender. At least it does for me.

 

Girls, even ones I'm not attracted to aren't inviting me to hang out with them. So that means I have to do all the work.

 

If I'm going to go out of my way to try to arrange a get together with a girl, she might as well be somebody I'm interested in dating.

[ascendotum]

Lowering my standards to date women I think are unattractive, not even neutral, is a recipe for disaster.

 

Which girl do you think would be happier in a relationship with me

 

A girl that I think is ugly and am only with her because she's a warm body?

 

Or a girl that I'm absolutely crazy about?

 

There is a lot of possibilities in between 'ugly' and 'absolutely crazy about' though. It doesn't have to be 'forever after' or 'settling' if you view her as a girl to have some fun with (and I don't mean just sex) for a while.

[xxoo]

The tantrum was because that this is the type of thing that always happens to me. I never get the girl I want. And the one time it actually happened, the relationship never had a chance.

 

 

 

Yup, I'm not doing anything at all to try and become a better man. Nope not at all.

 

 

 

I've never talked to him but he seems to be about equal to me in looks. So that means that he's talked to her differently than I have. Somehow she responded to something he said. That's what I need to figure out how to do.

 

How to talk to women in a way that makes them interested in me.

 

You're doing too little and you're way late starting. You won't even consider putting effort into making friends, which would help on multiple levels.

 

It's not just delivering lines, but what you have to say. And that relates back to living a full and interesting life. To be interesting, you have to do interesting things, or at least have a desire to do them

[somedude81]

There is a lot of possibilities in between 'ugly' and 'absolutely crazy about' though.

 

For me, not really.

 

As long as a girl is cute and not obese, I can become absolutely crazy about her as long as she has a decent personality.

 

But if a girl is ugly to me, it doesn't matter what her personality is, I will always feel like I've settled. I absolutely do not want to put myself in that situation because it will be bad for me and the girl.

 

It doesn't have to be 'forever after' or 'settling' if you view her as a girl to have some fun with (and I don't mean just sex) for a while.

 

At this point I don't know how I feel about a girl just to have short term fun with. I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Ideally I want a serious long term relationship. But I'd be willing to go however shallow the right girl wants.

[Lani]

It takes effort to make friends with people, no matter what gender. At least it does for me.

 

Girls, even ones I'm not attracted to aren't inviting me to hang out with them. So that means I have to do all the work.

 

If I'm going to go out of my way to try to arrange a get together with a girl, she might as well be somebody I'm interested in dating.

 

Friendships do take effort. Nobody ever said they didn't.

Christ, I spend a whole bunch of my time driving across the city to visit my friends, but it's worth it because they make me happy. I drove 3 hours and spend a bunch of money this weekend just gone in order to be at a friends wedding. Why? Because I love her. I wanted to be there. I made some other new friends at the wedding. I met a guy, who I didn't follow up with, but the flirtation on the night was a nice little confidence boost. I drank, I danced, I laughed more than I have in a long time. This is all stuff you miss out on SD, and it makes me sad to think that you have no interest in even trying to have this kind of happiness in your life.

 

I haven't been in a relationship for almost 5 years, but I'm not here throwing a tantrum about that because I have other things to fill my life with.

 

Of course I'd like a relationship, but I don't need one.

I can be happy without it.

You can too.

I know you don't think you can, but you haven't tried any other option so you really don't know that at all.

[Lani]

For me, not really.

 

As long as a girl is cute and not obese, I can become absolutely crazy about her as long as she has a decent personality.

 

But if a girl is ugly to me, it doesn't matter what her personality is, I will always feel like I've settled. I absolutely do not want to put myself in that situation because it will be bad for me and the girl.

 

 

 

At this point I don't know how I feel about a girl just to have short term fun with. I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Ideally I want a serious long term relationship. But I'd be willing to go however shallow the right girl wants.

 

Excellent.

Then you can come back with a new tanty thread about how you don't know what happened..

 

Welcome to season 457 of the SD show.

[somedude81]

Friendships do take effort. Nobody ever said they didn't.

Christ, I spend a whole bunch of my time driving across the city to visit my friends, but it's worth it because they make me happy. I drove 3 hours and spend a bunch of money this weekend just gone in order to be at a friends wedding. Why? Because I love her. I wanted to be there. I made some other new friends at the wedding. I met a guy, who I didn't follow up with, but the flirtation on the night was a nice little confidence boost. I drank, I danced, I laughed more than I have in a long time. This is all stuff you miss out on SD, and it makes me sad to think that you have no interest in even trying to have this kind of happiness in your life.

 

I haven't been in a relationship for almost 5 years, but I'm not here throwing a tantrum about that because I have other things to fill my life with.

 

Of course I'd like a relationship, but I don't need one.

I can be happy without it.

You can too.

I know you don't think you can, but you haven't tried any other option so you really don't know that at all.

 

I have had purely platonic female friends. They didn't make me happy.

 

Pretty much the only thing that actually made me happy in as long as I can remember was having a girlfriend.

 

I know that friends are important and I do want to have them. But having a girlfriend is goal #1.

 

As for friendships being work, I get discouraged when somebody makes it hard to hang out with them, no matter what gender they are. I tried to make a guy friend a couple of years ago but he never had time to hang out. In the end I just gave up.

 

Unless somebody is inviting me to spend time with them, I'm going to have to be the pursuer. At this point in my life I've decided that I only want to pursue women I want to date.

 

Though of course I'd spend time with somebody male or female as long as I thought they were cool, and there wasn't a situation where they were interested but I wasn't.

[somedude81]

Excellent.

Then you can come back with a new tanty thread about how you don't know what happened..

 

Welcome to season 457 of the SD show.

 

Lani, can you please pick one personality and stick to it?

 

You keep going back and forth from friendly helpful to sarcastic and annoying.

[AD1980]

When two single people are hitting it off of the opposite sex it's a thin line between if they're asking for a number to just be friends or a romantic interest and can be misconstrued by one side..

 

It's hard enough for anyone to finesse that and not lead someone on never mind sd who's not the most social person..

 

If he does try to befriend a women it should probably be one already in a relationship so signals aren't mixed

[xxoo]

Forgot to ask: how old was the guy she left with?

[Lani]

Lani, can you please pick one personality and stick to it?

 

You keep going back and forth from friendly helpful to sarcastic and annoying.

 

Because you keep posting contradictory things..

My personality is both sarcastic and friendly.. you'd know this if you had any insight into how people actually work.

 

You make it very very hard to continue being helpful SD.

No matter how people post to you, you just argue the points. You don't actually want any advice at all it seems.

I posted you a friendly post about what you're missing out on, and you just respond the same way you always have with 'I want a girlfriend more than anything'. It's silly, because you've never had the other things so you don't know they're not what you want.

Then you post some crap about how you'll be willing to go however shallow the girl wants? We all know how that will end.

 

Whilst I may need to 'pick a personality' you sir need to open your mind.

[MissBee]

There is nothing I want more in life than to have a girlfriend. Until I can get that taken care of, basically nothing else matters. I can barely focus on anything else.

 

The other female poster feels the same. I'll introduce you two.

[somedude81]

Forgot to ask: how old was the guy she left with?

 

Somewhere between 5 and 55.

[xxoo]

Somewhere between 5 and 55.

 

Closer to 20 or 40?