Trying to date a busy girl

[xxoo]

Not really. People who are older and have never been married are looked down upon in society.

 

I really don't want my family to see me as the crazy uncle whose always been single.

 

The only time it's acceptable for a guy to be older and unmarried is when he's a playboy. And even then that's not the greatest.

 

Maybe. People do "wonder" about those who fail to connect.

 

But it's not about pretty. At all. Pretty does not equal worth, except to the young and immature.

[d0nnivain]

That's what I've been doing. Because it's the only way I know how to talk to women. And look at what that has "accomplished."

 

Guys who do well with women flirt and talk sexually with women. I don't.

 

OK then you do need to learn how to flirt. You may be failing to give off a vibe that you are interested.

 

When talking to a woman you would like to ask out you need to add in a few things:

 

• smile
  
• eye contact
  
• be just a little too close . . . I'm talking inches here not all over her. If social convention says you stand a foot away, you move to with 8-10 inches of her
  
• lean in when you talk to her
  
• touch her on the arm, elbow, hand etc when you speak to her
  
• find a reason to wink at her
  
• if the opportunity arises open a door for her & gently with a barely there whisper touch place your hand (more like fingers, without the full palm touching) at the small of her back to "guide" her through the door in front of you
  
• pay her a compliment about how she looks -- keep it G rated You look nice vs wow you're legs go on for a mile in that skirt
  

[d0nnivain]

Not really. People who are older and have never been married are looked down upon in society.

 

I was 39 when I met DH & 41 when we married. DH was 34 / 36. Both of my parents were in their 40s when they married. I probably have 10 friends over 40 (men & women) who have never been married. Nobody looked down on any of us.

[preraph]

Of course it is.

 

Nothing in this world exemplifies a man's worth more than a pretty woman being interested in him.

 

That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. A person with healthy self-esteem doesn't need to prop him/herself up by having a trophy on their arm. They know they are enough and don't need another person to complete them or to feel good about themselves. The person with healthy self-esteem doesn't think very much about what others judge them to be anyway. When you rely so heavily on another person to enhance your image, you will find it very hard to let go when the time comes and probably be overly jealous and have those kind of problems during the relationship and it will self-destruct.

[Teknoe]

SD, I don't mean to veer too far off topic here but I am curious to know, and I think it is very relevant to you in particular, but did you ever follow up on that one doctor's analysis of you having Aspergers?

 

Did you get a 2nd opinion?

 

If you do indeed have Aspergers, it's important to consider the research for those who have it, and how people with it can still live fully normal functioning lives.

 

For example, I know people with Aspergers tend to lack certain social cues, and this might have been playing a huge role in your lack of success with women. If you could better understand this, perhaps you will have more success with women going forward.

[preraph]

Not really. People who are older and have never been married are looked down upon in society.

 

 

Maybe, but they also look down on you if you are married to a girl and not a woman when you're a grown man. Being married and having family is a milestone, but it's more impressive when people can see you've made a good match.

 

Only 51% of adults in the US are married today. So it's certainly not the big requirement that it was in the 1950s, before birth control. And of those 51%, hardly any are guys in their 30s married to 20 year olds.

[GemmaUK]

OK then you do need to learn how to flirt. You may be failing to give off a vibe that you are interested.

 

When talking to a woman you would like to ask out you need to add in a few things:

 

• smile
  
• eye contact
  
• be just a little too close . . . I'm talking inches here not all over her. If social convention says you stand a foot away, you move to with 8-10 inches of her
  
• lean in when you talk to her
  
• touch her on the arm, elbow, hand etc when you speak to her
  
• find a reason to wink at her
  
• if the opportunity arises open a door for her & gently with a barely there whisper touch place your hand (more like fingers, without the full palm touching) at the small of her back to "guide" her through the door in front of you
  
• pay her a compliment about how she looks -- keep it G rated You look nice vs wow you're legs go on for a mile in that skirt
  

 

 

Added to this, be a little bit cheeky. Not mean and don't joke around about something they could take personally but banter is fun!

 

I banter/flirt with anyone (male and female) and everyone and it makes my day fun.

A woman behind the till 'very seriously' asked for proof of my age yesterday morning when I was buying something.

She floored me!

She has seen me many a time and we always have a laugh about something and she was so stern in her deadpan face yesterday...I said I had no ID but I was 45 1/2 and reeled off my DOB real quick so she would believe me....

 

All that Donnivain said above is so much about learning body language - it helps so much with making friends and letting someone know that you are interested in them as more than a friend.

 

If you watch any dating shows it's so so so important when they give people advice.

[SJC2008]

That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. A person with healthy self-esteem doesn't need to prop him/herself up by having a trophy on their arm. They know they are enough and don't need another person to complete them or to feel good about themselves. The person with healthy self-esteem doesn't think very much about what others judge them to be anyway. When you rely so heavily on another person to enhance your image, you will find it very hard to let go when the time comes and probably be overly jealous and have those kind of problems during the relationship and it will self-destruct.

 

Partially correct IMO but it has more to do with the mothers we havt. I won't speak for SD but my and my friends all have very controlling mothers. Controlling people have an aura of perfection so could we be seeking perfection, which woukd certainly include looks? It my sound out there but I think this "theory" has some merit. Think about it.

[MidwestUSA]

Teknoe has a really good point.

 

Did you follow up with that potential diagnosis?

[GemmaUK]

Partially correct IMO but it has more to do with the mothers we havt. I won't speak for SD but my and my friends all have very controlling mothers. Controlling people have an aura of perfection so could we be seeking perfection, which woukd certainly include looks? It my sound out there but I think this "theory" has some merit. Think about it.

 

You're getting into a whole different can of worms here.

Controlling behaviour along with male entitlement syndrome - to stretch it as an extreme and a possibility.

[GemmaUK]

Teknoe has a really good point.

 

Did you follow up with that potential diagnosis?

 

The guy I mentioned in a post earlier today in the group of 12 who homed in on me is thought to have aspergers by those who know him much better than I do.

[Teknoe]

Teknoe has a really good point.

 

Did you follow up with that potential diagnosis?

 

I would hope that he has. To me, understanding that component of him (whether he has Aspergers or not) is more important right now than anything else.

[ThaWholigan]

The guy I mentioned in a post earlier today in the group of 12 who homed in on me is thought to have aspergers by those who know him much better than I do.

It makes things difficult, but it's not a complete death knell to a romantic life - but you have to learn more about yourself and learn - not only to embrace the traits you have - but to learn to work with them and carve out a life for yourself. If you don't do enough introspection - and if you depend on others as a source of self worth - it will make things even harder ESPECIALLY if you're autistic. Trust me, I know!

 

Jury's out on whether SD is autistic, but it's not a farfetched theory.

[somedude81]

SD, I don't mean to veer too far off topic here but I am curious to know, and I think it is very relevant to you in particular, but did you ever follow up on that one doctor's analysis of you having Aspergers?

 

Did you get a 2nd opinion?

 

If you do indeed have Aspergers, it's important to consider the research for those who have it, and how people with it can still live fully normal functioning lives.

 

For example, I know people with Aspergers tend to lack certain social cues, and this might have been playing a huge role in your lack of success with women. If you could better understand this, perhaps you will have more success with women going forward.

 

Yes I did get a second opinion. And they came to the conclusion that the first doctor was making a quick diagnosis because he felt that's what I needed to be eligible to receive services at my school.

 

She talked to me about the common signs that somebody has aspergers and none of them applied to me at all.

Edited October 18, 2014 by somedude81

[ThaWholigan]

Yes I did get a second opinion. And they came to the conclusion that the first doctor was making a quick diagnosis because he felt that's what I needed to be eligible to receive services at my school.

 

She talked to me about the common signs that somebody has aspergers and none of them applied to me at all.

Thought so - when I was diagnosed the first time, it took a period of 2 years. 2nd time, it took nearly a year. It takes ages to get an accurate diagnosis. I think it's still probably something to look into, as you never know. I was just like you the 2nd time I got diagnosed (I'm not autistic! I overcame my difficulties etc etc). In hindsight, it was one of the best things that happened to me - I learned so much about myself and how to grow as a person as a result. You need that kind of catalyst in your life - and somehow, I don't think a woman is that catalyst.

[Teknoe]

The guy I mentioned in a post earlier today in the group of 12 who homed in on me is thought to have aspergers by those who know him much better than I do.

 

Wouldn't shock me as that kind of behavior (zoning in and not understanding the social cue that it's incredibly awkward to do so in a group of 12 to pinpoint one person of the opposite sex) is something someone with Aspergers might do. See someone they like, and barge in like a bull in a China shop not understanding the social norms, cues and etiquette. It's tunnel vision and if not checked, can destroy one's chances of fostering healthy relationships.

 

I knew a guy with Aspergers who was in my church small group for a year. He was incredibly awkward, pessimistic, hated himself and said the most absurd things. Even worse though was his body language and how he didn't understand social cues. A situation came up when he stepped out of line and I had to have a 1 on 1 lunch with him to gently and lovingly tell him that he's welcomed to continue to come to the group, but such inappropriate behaviors must be nipped in the bud.

 

He flipped out on me and went on this tirade of how women, God and the world is out to get him, that his whole life has been a crap storm and everything is "out of his control." Sounds familiar? Everytime I read a SD thread, I think about this cat. Bob was living in total denial and when confronted about it, instead of facing his problems, he ran away and we never saw him again. To this day I wonder once in a blue moon how Bob is doing, where he is, and if he ever seeked the professional help he needed.

 

Sadly, I wouldn't be shocked at all if Bob is still doing the same routine of going after cute girls in church Bible study groups only to ostracize himself from the group, and leave and repeat with a new group.

 

I genuinely tried to help him, but he didn't want help. That's the thing, when someone doesn't want help, there's nothing you can do but let that person be. And whatever outcomes happen it's all on them.

[somedude81]

That is a classic sign of low self-esteem. A person with healthy self-esteem doesn't need to prop him/herself up by having a trophy on their arm. They know they are enough and don't need another person to complete them or to feel good about themselves. The person with healthy self-esteem doesn't think very much about what others judge them to be anyway. When you rely so heavily on another person to enhance your image, you will find it very hard to let go when the time comes and probably be overly jealous and have those kind of problems during the relationship and it will self-destruct.

 

Yes, I have very low self-esteem. That's already been established.

 

And yes, I've had a very hard time letting go of my ex. My therapist is trying to work on that with me but it's proving to be difficult.

 

When I did have a girlfriend I wasn't jealous and let her do her own thing as long as she respected me.

[somedude81]

Thought so - when I was diagnosed the first time, it took a period of 2 years. 2nd time, it took nearly a year. It takes ages to get an accurate diagnosis. I think it's still probably something to look into, as you never know. I was just like you the 2nd time I got diagnosed (I'm not autistic! I overcame my difficulties etc etc). In hindsight, it was one of the best things that happened to me - I learned so much about myself and how to grow as a person as a result. You need that kind of catalyst in your life - and somehow, I don't think a woman is that catalyst.

 

The second doctor actually told me that aspergers is no longer being diagnosed and it has another name, of which I can't remember.

 

She said that normally it requires extensive testing and can be expensive to go through. We talked for about 20 minutes and decided that I don't have any type of autism.

 

What the first doctor did wasn't exactly ethical, but if it lead me to getting free tutoring and a private room to take tests in, then at least it helped.

[Teknoe]

Yes I did get a second opinion. And they came to the conclusion that the first doctor was making a quick diagnosis because he felt that's what I needed to be eligible to receive services at my school.

 

She talked to me about the common signs that somebody has aspergers and none of them applied to me at all.

 

What was this woman's title? Was she a doctor? Did she run a battery of tests? Was it a full diagnosis test?

 

It's weird that a doctor said you had it, and then a woman said you don't. Were these tests conducted at a school campus or at an actual medical facility?

[Teknoe]

She said that normally it requires extensive testing and can be expensive to go through. We talked for about 20 minutes and decided that I don't have any type of autism.

 

It does require extensive testing. And you're right, it can be expensive. But I think it's shoddy of her to tell you you don't have any type of autism after speaking with you for just 20 minutes.

 

To be safe, I would go through extensive testing if I were you.

 

Someone talking to you 20 minutes and saying yes you have it or no you don't is both wrong. Extensive testing doesn't lie, and would reveal the truth.

 

You should seek a 3rd and DEFINITIVE opinion.

 

i.e. having an extensive test done.

[GemmaUK]

Yes, I have very low self-esteem. That's already been established.

 

And yes, I've had a very hard time letting go of my ex. My therapist is trying to work on that with me but it's proving to be difficult.

 

When I did have a girlfriend I wasn't jealous and let her do her own thing as long as she respected me.

 

What actually happened with your ex?

Why did she break up with you?

 

I asked you once and you replied saying she talked about her feelings and that was that but you never did elaborate.

 

What did she say?

What was her reason for the break up?

[somedude81]

It does require extensive testing. And you're right, it can be expensive. But I think it's shoddy of her to tell you you don't have any type of autism after speaking with you for just 20 minutes.

 

To be safe, I would go through extensive testing if I were you.

 

Someone talking to you 20 minutes and saying yes you have it or no you don't is both wrong. Extensive testing doesn't lie, and would reveal the truth.

 

You should seek a 3rd and DEFINITIVE opinion.

 

i.e. having an extensive test done.

 

No, I think it's shoddy for somebody to say I have aspergers after talking to them for 5 minutes, which is what happened with the first time.

 

It's simply not worth pursuing.

[ThaWholigan]

The second doctor actually told me that aspergers is no longer being diagnosed and it has another name, of which I can't remember.

 

She said that normally it requires extensive testing and can be expensive to go through. We talked for about 20 minutes and decided that I don't have any type of autism.

 

What the first doctor did wasn't exactly ethical, but if it lead me to getting free tutoring and a private room to take tests in, then at least it helped.

 

She's right about aspergers - it's not a diagnosis anymore, now any type of autism is given the catch-all label of "autism spectrum disorder".

 

It does take a lot of extensive testing and speaking with clinical psychologists - which is why it's weird that she automatically ruled out autism after 20 mins. I'd imagine that it was a conclusion you were satisfied with though and I figure you won't follow it up.

 

I guess that's not your catalyst then!

[somedude81]

What actually happened with your ex?

Why did she break up with you?

 

I asked you once and you replied saying she talked about her feelings and that was that but you never did elaborate.

 

What did she say?

What was her reason for the break up?

 

I've talked extensively about the breakup.

 

Basically she felt that I liked her more than she liked me. She felt guilty about the imbalance.

 

She also said that the timing wasn't right for her to be in a serious relationship. She wasn't single for long enough (two-three weeks) after breaking up with her BF of three years.

 

She actually said, "I know this is cliche, but it really is the truth. It's me and not you. You're a really sweet guy....."

[d0nnivain]

No, I think it's shoddy for somebody to say I have aspergers after talking to them for 5 minutes, which is what happened with the first time.

 

It's simply not worth pursuing.

 

 

Because it's on line it's probably hooey but take this quiz if you haven't already. Autism / Asperger's Quiz

 

If you score in the asperger's range, get a 2nd opinion because that may be one of your issues.

 

Personally I think it's one of those currently fashionable diagnoses & unless it's severe there's not much to be done

 

My cousin is convinced she has this. She doesn't. She has BPD, which is a whole other consideration but her preferred diagnosis gets her more sympathy, which is what she wants.