Trying to date a busy girl

[somedude81]

Because it's on line it's probably hooey but take this quiz if you haven't already. Autism / Asperger's Quiz

 

If you score in the asperger's range, get a 2nd opinion because that may be one of your issues.

 

Personally I think it's one of those currently fashionable diagnoses & unless it's severe there's not much to be done

 

My cousin is convinced she has this. She doesn't. She has BPD, which is a whole other consideration but her preferred diagnosis gets her more sympathy, which is what she wants.

 

Thanks for the link d0nnivain

 

I got a 7.

[d0nnivain]

You're healthier than me. I got an 8

 

So we can be pretty sure you don't have Aspergers.

[Teknoe]

Thanks for the link d0nnivain

 

I got a 7.

 

That was a good link, D. I can send it to my cousin, thanks. I think he might have form of Autism.

 

SD, how did you answer these questions? Just curious.

 

Definitely agree (DA)

Slightly agree (SA)

Slightly disagree (SD)

Definitely disagree (DD)

 

1. I find it easy to 'read between the lines' when someone is talking to me.

 

2. I tend to notice details that others do not.

 

3. I find social situations easy.

 

4. I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own.

 

5. I prefer to do things the same way over and over again.

 

6. Other people frequently tell me that what I've said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.

 

7. I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing that I lose sight of other things.

 

8. I find it hard to make new friends.

 

9. I frequently find that I don't know how to keep a conversation going.

 

10. People often tell me that I keep going on and on about the same thing.

 

11. New situations make me anxious.

 

You can copy and paste and just put SD (slightly disagree), DD (definitely disagree), SA (slightly agree) or DA (definitely agree) after each one.

[Cristo]

"Cute, single with some relatively good conversation and somebody in your ballpark."

 

Personally, I don't even really need the 'cute' either, but that's a personal decision.

 

I have a few logical dealbreakers (some of which I tried to ignore a few times, with disastrous results). Basically, it seems like the men that do poorly in dating are not picky enough and the women are too picky (ie: their lists are way too long).

[xxoo]

If I didn't believe I was good enough, I wouldn't have tried to pursue this girl.

 

Though instead things aren't working out with her, and the world is shoving it down my throat that I'm not good enough.

 

Yes, I have very low self-esteem. That's already been established.

 

Which of these statements is the truth? Do you believe you are good enough, or do you have low self-esteem?

 

Do you go for women you perceive to be "better" than you to boost your self worth?

 

Do you devalue women who aren't pretty enough to boost your self worth?

[preraph]

Partially correct IMO but it has more to do with the mothers we havt. I won't speak for SD but my and my friends all have very controlling mothers. Controlling people have an aura of perfection so could we be seeking perfection, which woukd certainly include looks? It my sound out there but I think this "theory" has some merit. Think about it.

 

Yes, low self-esteem is something that usually comes from childhood one way or the other and is hard to change and you can't fault someone for it. There are those who get beat down from bullying later, though, and get it. I was one of those, but instead of feeling I was worthless, I just knew some others did, but I wasn't all the way without self-esteem because I regarded those others as bad people for being that way toward me. But it did set me back quite a bit. I stopped being as social until I got out of my local schools.

 

Low self-esteem can happen so many ways. One of the most innocent ways parents can give their kid no self-esteem is by doing everything for them and not making them earn anything. At a certain age, those kids are smart enough to know their accomplishments aren't really theirs and feel kind of lost. Of course, all sorts of obvious stuff like abuse or neglect will do it. Really in an adult, I think a good way to build self-esteem is simply by going out and working toward goals and accomplishing those goals all on your own, without a roommate, without parental help, without anyone's help. That's your foundation you built yourself, and that knowledge gives you self-worth even if you never had it before.

[Cristo]

What I'm saying is that posters are giving him advice that a BA/BS will take him over the hump. It won't. It won't cross him from one level to the next.

 

Everybody has one and there are lots of people who make more without one.

 

In my experience, it would help more if he worked at like a grocery store and was an unsuccessful bohemian artist or musician. Women WILL overlook lack of career success if you have that. I have seen it with both eyes.

 

I can't speak for other posters, but I know that when I started a full time job and had actual responsibilities, my views towards life and women absolutely changed and I gained more confidence in myself. It came slowly, but it still came.

 

Personally, I've never had a problem attracting women. The major difference for me was that I began consistently attracting higher quality women and had the ability to distinguish between a high quality girl and a low quality one (even when that wasn't evident to the naked eye).

 

Basically, a full time job/career will change SD's mindset on many things in subtle, but important ways. Even moreso if he moves out of his area.

 

Just food for thought.

[preraph]

Yes, I have very low self-esteem. That's already been established.

 

And yes, I've had a very hard time letting go of my ex. My therapist is trying to work on that with me but it's proving to be difficult.

 

When I did have a girlfriend I wasn't jealous and let her do her own thing as long as she respected me.

 

In the post above, at the bottom, I put a practical way I know of to build self-esteem: going it alone and focusing on accomplishing goals. Being self-reliant and productive builds self-worth. Work hard to succeed at your job, rebuild a car or build a tool shed, become good at something you enjoy. Build your own foundation, and I'm sorry you're having to, but glad you're seeing the therapist. Hope that helps you maybe jump a hurdle or two.

[Teknoe]

I can't speak for other posters, but I know that when I started a full time job and had actual responsibilities, my views towards life and women absolutely changed and I gained more confidence in myself. It came slowly, but it still came.

 

Personally, I've never had a problem attracting women. The major difference for me was that I began consistently attracting higher quality women and had the ability to distinguish between a high quality girl and a low quality one (even when that wasn't evident to the naked eye).

 

Basically, a full time job/career will change SD's mindset on many things in subtle, but important ways. Even moreso if he moves out of his area.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Agreed. Just having a full time job and responsibilities ever so slightly changes your perception of things. It's more than just waking up, going to school, going home, repeat.

 

It increased my confidence too as I feel I am now contributing to society and making use of my God-given talents. Plus it gets me out of the house (going to school just isn't the same) and gets me going. Otherwise, I'd be sitting on my fat butt all day long probably, if I could. lol.

[Teknoe]

In the post above, at the bottom, I put a practical way I know of to build self-esteem: going it alone and focusing on accomplishing goals. Being self-reliant and productive builds self-worth. Work hard to succeed at your job, rebuild a car or build a tool shed, become good at something you enjoy. Build your own foundation, and I'm sorry you're having to, but glad you're seeing the therapist. Hope that helps you maybe jump a hurdle or two.

 

What we often fail to understand, I think, is that SD is simply wired differently than how most of us are. We can all acknowledge such things in the quote as helpful, productive and useful, but to SD these are things he simply does not care (enough) about to actually go and do. Thus, we repeat the same things, and he ignores the same things. At some point we have to realize offering him all this advice is useless. Only he can change himself, and something inside him has to click.

 

How many times has he said he will look into something, like group meet ups, and not follow through?

 

I think his biggest issue is paralysis by analysis. It became very evident when he made this thread and said, several times over, "I don't get it. Half the board says I should go to lunch. The other half said I shouldn't. Which one is it?"

 

How about YOU decide? And forget the feedback of strangers? SD you are 33 years old. It's just lunch. Figure it out on your own. The moment you ask for a play by play, you are toast. And if you really desire feedback, make some friends who KNOW THE REAL YOU and can actually offer feedback in real time. But this goes back to what, making an effort and putting yourself out there. The internet is easy, anonymous and the feedback is not quite instantaneous but is pretty damn close. Especially how popular his threads are.

 

So what I've seen from SD is he wants the best results with the least amount of effort put in and the least amount of vulnerability displayed. Because having real friends to talk with about this stuff might mean that he has to confront some demons in his life... and it's easier to be alone and ignore those issues and too easy to gloss over the internet posts telling him that he should do so.

 

And thus, repeats the cycle he's been in. Nothing will ever change without SD first making some serious foundational changes in his own life. Period.

Edited October 18, 2014 by Teknoe

[somedude81]

Which of these statements is the truth? Do you believe you are good enough, or do you have low self-esteem?

 

Both?

 

Despite my low self-esteem, I still thought I had a chance with her. Or maybe it was nothing more than hope?

 

All that mattered was that I was attracted to her and she seemed attainable.

 

Do you go for women you perceive to be "better" than you to boost your self worth?

 

Nope. I don't pursue women I think are better than me because I feel that I have no chance with them.

 

Do you devalue women who aren't pretty enough to boost your self worth?

 

I don't devalue women. At least that is not my intention.

 

I'm friendly to all women. Though since my main goal is to get a girlfriend I'm attracted to, those are the girls I focus on.

[clia]

Both?

 

Despite my low self-esteem, I still thought I had a chance with her. Or maybe it was nothing more than hope?

 

All that mattered was that I was attracted to her and she seemed attainable.

 

What made you think she was attainable after she expressly told you she was too busy to date?

[somedude81]

What made you think she was attainable after she expressly told you she was too busy to date?

 

She was single.

 

She was friendly to me.

 

That's pretty much it.

 

If she wasn't "too busy to date" she would have a boyfriend. And thus I would have no chance with her.

 

I felt that if I could spend time with her, she would grow to like me. Though spending time with her has proven to be difficult.

 

This semester I've kept running into nice girls that have boyfriends. So meeting a cute girl that was single was a breath of fresh air.

[xxoo]

I believe that people who genuinely feel good about themselves attract people they feel good about. The problem of repeatedly becoming infatuated with people who don't return the feelings is rooted in not really being happy with who you are, so you attach to people who would make you feel better about yourself (if only you can win them over). It's metaphorically like trying to win a parent's love, if that felt denied as a child.

 

When we are happy with ourselves, and really believe ourselves to be a great catch, we are most attracted to those who really like us, too. And the others shine less brightly, even if they are "prettier".

 

Work on yourself. Work on getting a job that you feel proud of, that gives you a boost with interesting challenges and feelings of accomplishment. Earn the respect of your peers. When you do that, you'll naturally become more attractive to women, and you might find yourself more attracted to the women who are interested in you.

[Cristo]

She was single.

 

She was friendly to me.

 

That's pretty much it.

 

If she wasn't "too busy to date" she would have a boyfriend. And thus I would have no chance with her.

 

I felt that if I could spend time with her, she would grow to like me. Though spending time with her has proven to be difficult.

 

This semester I've kept running into nice girls that have boyfriends. So meeting a cute girl that was single was a breath of fresh air.

 

Maybe you should pursue her more if you really like her.

[normal person]

What made you think she was attainable after she expressly told you she was too busy to date?

 

This is what I was going to say.

 

The thing I notice about SD is that if he wants something or someone, he'll disregard all pertinent information or advice which would suggest doing otherwise. He only considers what he wants and it's like the girl and her very clear position on him and dating is completely irrelevant or erroneous to him. It's like he's saying: "Why should I care if she doesn't want to date me? I want to date her, so why can't I?"

 

You're a dancer, SD. You of all people need to realize that it takes 2 to tango. You need to consider the world beyond your perceptions of it. Just like in this case, your success is not contingent on your desire. The two are very separate. Your success with women is equally in the hands of those women but you seem to keep ignoring that and trying to do otherwise.

[somedude81]

Maybe you should pursue her more if you really like her.

 

Sorry, I can't tell if this is sarcasm or not.

 

Right now I'm trying to decide how I want to talk to her on Monday. I'm annoyed that she ignored my text about going out dancing on Friday. That was something I was really looking forward to.

[xxoo]

Right now I'm trying to decide how I want to talk to her on Monday. I'm annoyed that she ignored my text about going out dancing on Friday. That was something I was really looking forward to.

 

What does that mean?

[SJC2008]

I scored a 17. The social questions arr what killed me, when I'm sober I'm not goot at small talk because of my anxiety/shyness. When I'm drinking I can be pretty savy.

[somedude81]

What does that mean?

 

Meaning, should I talk to her at all? If I do I ask her how her weekend was or if she went dancing. Do I mention that she ignored my text.

 

Most likely I won't bring up the text or dancing.

 

Though I don't know if I even want to talk to her anymore.

 

I'm just frustrated.

[xxoo]

You should be friendly and uninvested.

 

I'd probably make a breezy comment like, "you missed a great night of dancing"

[Cristo]

I scored a 17. The social questions arr what killed me, when I'm sober I'm not goot at small talk because of my anxiety/shyness. When I'm drinking I can be pretty savy.

 

I scored a 17 too and I do reasonably well with women. I'm usually friendly and social.

 

I think this test is BS lol.

[somedude81]

You should be friendly and uninvested.

 

I'd probably make a breezy comment like, "you missed a great night of dancing"

 

Well I didn't go dancing either. Though I was only going to go if she went.

[Phoe]

I'm not quite sure that's good enough.

 

I have no idea what he's majoring in, but the possibility that he'll be a 35/36 year old entry level employee making 35-40K or so is pretty standard. And that's not really going to put him in the minimum position to qualify for a lot of women's standards.

 

In other words, what does it matter if he hits on women now or when he finishes. It's not like he's finishing up a MD residency or even a nursing degree for that matter and will be making solid $ when done.

 

40k is perfectly fine. Really. No girl that SD would be interested in would be unhappy with 40k. That's more than enough to get by.

 

No, you just focused on the wrong girl, that's all.

 

It's a shame that you don't find the one girl attractive, because the way you've described your interactions with her had me thinking that she was interested in you. It's supposed to be easier, like that, than working so hard to get someone to notice you.

 

I agree SD, that this girl is a great indicator of how easy it should be. You're confident that she likes you, and you haven't hadto try so hard. That's normal and how it should be.

 

It makes things difficult, but it's not a complete death knell to a romantic life - but you have to learn more about yourself and learn - not only to embrace the traits you have - but to learn to work with them and carve out a life for yourself. If you don't do enough introspection - and if you depend on others as a source of self worth - it will make things even harder ESPECIALLY if you're autistic. Trust me, I know!

 

 

Exactly. I'm bordering on aspergers, and it's no issue. I know myself and know how to make things work. I'm self aware, and always learning and striving to stay ahead of myself.

 

Fwiw, I scored 34 on the quiz.

[Teknoe]

Not sure how SD got a 7 on the test. Everyone else is getting scores much higher than him. It makes me wonder what his answers to these questions were.

 

SD, how did you answer these questions? Just curious.

 

Definitely agree (DA)

Slightly agree (SA)

Slightly disagree (SD)

Definitely disagree (DD)

 

1. I find it easy to 'read between the lines' when someone is talking to me.

 

2. I tend to notice details that others do not.

 

3. I find social situations easy.

 

4. I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own.

 

5. I prefer to do things the same way over and over again.

 

6. Other people frequently tell me that what I've said is impolite, even though I think it is polite.

 

7. I frequently get so strongly absorbed in one thing that I lose sight of other things.

 

8. I find it hard to make new friends.

 

9. I frequently find that I don't know how to keep a conversation going.

 

10. People often tell me that I keep going on and on about the same thing.

 

11. New situations make me anxious.

 

You can copy and paste and just put SD (slightly disagree), DD (definitely disagree), SA (slightly agree) or DA (definitely agree) after each one.