Trying to date a busy girl

[serial muse]

Oh my God! I feel like I'm going to be sick.

 

Having fun with busy girl in class as usual. Then when class ends another guy walks up to her and they start talking. She grabs her backpack, turns to look at me, and then walks out with him.

 

I have to walk behind them for about a minute down the hall to the exit and I hear them talking and laughing. I think I heard her giving him directions to her place.

 

If there was ever a real sign that she wasn't into me, this was it.

 

I knew she wasn't interested in me, but I felt that I could work on her. Now I know that there is no chance at all. I deleted her number and I'm going to stop going to that class because apparently my feelings for her were stronger than I thought they were.

 

I haven't been this angry or felt this bad since my ex dumped me.

 

Above all else I have a ton of self-hatred for not being good enough for her, and losing her to another guy.

 

It would have been great to date her, but there is no way that's going to happen now.

 

Fu*k the world

 

SD, I know you're upset, but it's just...you knew she wasn't interested in you; you even just said so. You didn't lose her to another guy. This wasn't a competition! It's not about you vs. SomeOtherDude. Seriously - this is about you and her. And she's an individual human being with free will and she wasn't interested in you. Which you already knew!

 

Nothing has really changed, except that now that there's apparently another guy in the picture you're willing to let go of the forlorn hope you can "work on her", whereas you weren't before. (That was always a bad idea anyway, as people have endlessly told you here.) But functionally, nothing has changed. She wasn't for you and you weren't for her. It just wasn't going to happen.

 

You've got other plans on deck. Those are the ones to focus on now.

 

I kind of want to click my fingers at you and say "snap out of it".

Edited October 22, 2014 by serial muse

[JuneJulySeptember]

Women don't like to come out and tell a guy no. Forcing women to reject you isn't doing anyone any favors. It's pretty obvious when a girl is into you. Look at her reaction towards you and then compare it to the guy she walked off with.

 

This has been covered before. It's obvious when it's a "YES!", but some guys will never get that.

 

So, what you need to do is decide when to call the dogs off on the maybes.

 

But when you call the dogs off, you call them off.

 

It's like playing poker. Even if you have a really crappy, crappy hand, you might still have 1% chance to win, even after the flop. And guys who like women ALWAYS convince themselves they have a chance.

 

Can't be doin' that.

[ThaWholigan]

Oh my God! I feel like I'm going to be sick.

 

Having fun with busy girl in class as usual. Then when class ends another guy walks up to her and they start talking. She grabs her backpack, turns to look at me, and then walks out with him.

 

I have to walk behind them for about a minute down the hall to the exit and I hear them talking and laughing. I think I heard her giving him directions to her place.

 

If there was ever a real sign that she wasn't into me, this was it.

 

I knew she wasn't interested in me, but I felt that I could work on her. Now I know that there is no chance at all. I deleted her number and I'm going to stop going to that class because apparently my feelings for her were stronger than I thought they were.

 

I haven't been this angry or felt this bad since my ex dumped me.

 

Above all else I have a ton of self-hatred for not being good enough for her, and losing her to another guy.

 

It would have been great to date her, but there is no way that's going to happen now.

 

Fu*k the world

Dude, this is a problem you need to work on. You absolutely should not be this angry - a little frustrated sure, I was when a couple girls I liked dated other guys - but this is normal and something you'll have to deal with.

 

And this is why you need friends, they would explain this to you and at least try to lift your spirits and give you a proverbial slap when you start moping. You knew she wasn't feeling you like that, if at all. Be more proactive next time and move on.

[normal person]

Cliff Notes of this whole situation:

 

It would have been great to date her, but there is no way that's going to happen now.

 

I'm very sorry to hear this happened. But you could have avoided this all with the advice you got here. All the explanations and predictions about what would happen are right in this thread.

 

I've been trying to get a real no from this girl for a while. I've had her number for at least three weeks.

 

"I'm busy" = "No." There are pages of people telling you that, why didn't you believe it? Why do you keep throwing yourself to the wolves like this? It's uncomfortable to tell someone "no" directly because she has a conscience and she'll feel bad. It's much easier for her to avoid it. If she wanted to go out with you, she would.

If she never says yes, consider it a no.

 

If there was ever a real sign that she wasn't into me, this was it.

 

The real sign for you should've been her ambivalence about you and total lack of any reason for you to believe that she was into you.

 

I knew she wasn't interested in me, but I felt that I could work on her.

 

This is a very difficult thing to do. Are you sure you have the skills for it in general? You seemed to think that you could just "flirt and joke" your way into her heart. That just seems like such a long shot -- for anyone.

 

I don't think she cared at all that I couldn't have lunch with her yesterday. By the time she responded to my text, I had class in five minutes.

 

Nothing about this situation should have given you any indication that that's a thing she'd care about. If she actively wanted to have lunch with you, you'd know.

 

SD, I really hope for your sake that you first feel better, and second, consider the good advice you've gotten on this forum. You come here and seem to ignore most of it and now it's disheartening to see you hurt when you could have easily mitigated or avoided it.

 

I have to ask: Did you learn anything? I know it's painful but you can at least take the lessons learned (if any) and apply them to the next situation.

[PJKino]

That's why I'm done going after women it screws my whole mood up when I get rejected yet again..even worse when a girl rejects me and goes for one of my good looking friends..

 

I'm in a much better state right now when I stay away from single women and don't even entertain the idea of attracting one..

 

The only time in my life I'm ever down is when i try to attract women and fail so why do the one thing that brings me pain?

[NJ123]

Oh my God! I feel like I'm going to be sick.

 

Having fun with busy girl in class as usual. Then when class ends another guy walks up to her and they start talking. She grabs her backpack, turns to look at me, and then walks out with him.

 

I have to walk behind them for about a minute down the hall to the exit and I hear them talking and laughing. I think I heard her giving him directions to her place.

 

If there was ever a real sign that she wasn't into me, this was it.

 

I knew she wasn't interested in me, but I felt that I could work on her. Now I know that there is no chance at all. I deleted her number and I'm going to stop going to that class because apparently my feelings for her were stronger than I thought they were.

 

I haven't been this angry or felt this bad since my ex dumped me.

 

Above all else I have a ton of self-hatred for not being good enough for her, and losing her to another guy.

 

It would have been great to date her, but there is no way that's going to happen now.

 

Fu*k the world

 

If what your saying is 100% true in this post than she sounds like a total bitch & totally disrespectful. She just ditches talking to you without saying a word & goes to talk to this other guy? Shows she obviously doesn't give a **** about you or your feelings. Just move on & never contact/talk to her again.

[somedude81]

This has been covered before. It's obvious when it's a "YES!", but some guys will never get that.

 

So, what you need to do is decide when to call the dogs off on the maybes.

 

But when you call the dogs off, you call them off.

 

It's like playing poker. Even if you have a really crappy, crappy hand, you might still have 1% chance to win, even after the flop. And guys who like women ALWAYS convince themselves they have a chance.

 

Can't be doin' that.

 

I really did not want to "call off the dogs" on this girl.

 

She checked off every box I have. Physical and personality.

 

Honestly I was really surprised on my reaction at seeing her walk out with another guy. I didn't know how much I liked her. But it does make sense since I wrote this thread about her.

 

I tried everything I could think of with her, but in the end I just wasn't attractive enough. Looks and/or personality.

[somedude81]

Dude, this is a problem you need to work on. You absolutely should not be this angry - a little frustrated sure, I was when a couple girls I liked dated other guys - but this is normal and something you'll have to deal with.

 

And this is why you need friends, they would explain this to you and at least try to lift your spirits and give you a proverbial slap when you start moping. You knew she wasn't feeling you like that, if at all. Be more proactive next time and move on.

 

Having some guys get down on me for moping isn't going to help me

 

Though yes, I do need to work on not getting attached to girls. It's been a thing for my whole life. At least now I regularly talk to the girls I like and am trying to get them to spend time with me.

 

As for it being normal, normal isn't getting rejected by every girl one has ever liked.

 

What do you mean by be more proactive?

[somedude81]

As much as I do rag on myself, I really can't think of any reasons why a woman wouldn't want to date me unless she was just shallow.

 

I know I'm not ugly and I'm not that short. This girl was only about 5'2 so she shouldn't even care about my height. My body is fine. I'm friendly and fun to be with, I'm sociable, not creepy and a good dancer. In the class girls are always coming up to me to ask me how to do X move.

 

But for whatever reason, I'm never the guy girls want to actually date. And that destroys my confidence.

[Phoe]

You've got to learn how to protect yourself.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I really did not want to "call off the dogs" on this girl.

 

She checked off every box I have. Physical and personality.

 

Honestly I was really surprised on my reaction at seeing her walk out with another guy. I didn't know how much I liked her. But it does make sense since I wrote this thread about her.

 

I tried everything I could think of with her, but in the end I just wasn't attractive enough. Looks and/or personality.

 

It doesn't matter how much you liked her. To be honest, it doesn't matter how much you got along either. If they don't like you, they don't like you.

 

I still get pissed when I get rejected. Sometimes. I might come here and post a small tirade like yours if I thought I had a good chance with the woman. That might last a few days.

 

It is what it is. Time heals all wounds.

 

I just know better than to dig a hole where I become friends first and then fall. That would f@ck me up for a looooong time.

 

I believe you have that lesson learned, so, you're good to go.

[normal person]

As much as I do rag on myself, I really can't think of any reasons why a woman wouldn't want to date me unless she was just shallow.

 

I know I'm not ugly and I'm not that short. This girl was only about 5'2 so she shouldn't even care about my height. My body is fine. I'm friendly and fun to be with, I'm sociable, not creepy and a good dancer. In the class girls are always coming up to me to ask me how to do X move.

 

But for whatever reason, I'm never the guy girls want to actually date. And that destroys my confidence.

 

I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that you're a decade older than them and still in college. I'm sure you're a nice, good looking, friendly, fun guy. But you don't have a job and as much as a few girls will chime and say that doesn't matter to them, it does to most of them. That's a baseline prerequisite. Your confidence is getting destroyed because your whole current situation is a non-starter for the girls. You need to continue being friendly and fun, but you also need to get a job and/or a purpose in life and look for age appropriate women. I bet you'll have a lot more luck then, your situation is probably giving you a skewed perception of yourself. You're probably a lot more desirable than you realize -- to age appropriate women.

[JuneJulySeptember]

As much as I do rag on myself, I really can't think of any reasons why a woman wouldn't want to date me unless she was just shallow.

 

I know I'm not ugly and I'm not that short. This girl was only about 5'2 so she shouldn't even care about my height. My body is fine. I'm friendly and fun to be with, I'm sociable, not creepy and a good dancer. In the class girls are always coming up to me to ask me how to do X move.

 

But for whatever reason, I'm never the guy girls want to actually date. And that destroys my confidence.

 

Women want what they want.

 

The reasons don't really matter.

 

If people outside of romance (friends, co-workers, classmates) that you are platonic with say there is something wrong with you, then there is. Otherwise, there isn't.

[somedude81]

You've got to learn how to protect yourself.

 

While I don't disagree with you, I'm not sure how it relates to my situation.

 

Care to expand?

[PJKino]

Cliff Notes of this whole situation:

 

 

 

I'm very sorry to hear this happened. But you could have avoided this all with the advice you got here. All the explanations and predictions about what would happen are right in this thread.

 

 

 

"I'm busy" = "No." There are pages of people telling you that, why didn't you believe it? Why do you keep throwing yourself to the wolves like this? It's uncomfortable to tell someone "no" directly because she has a conscience and she'll feel bad. It's much easier for her to avoid it. If she wanted to go out with you, she would.

If she never says yes, consider it a no.

 

 

 

The real sign for you should've been her ambivalence about you and total lack of any reason for you to believe that she was into you.

 

 

 

This is a very difficult thing to do. Are you sure you have the skills for it in general? You seemed to think that you could just "flirt and joke" your way into her heart. That just seems like such a long shot -- for anyone.

 

 

 

Nothing about this situation should have given you any indication that that's a thing she'd care about. If she actively wanted to have lunch with you, you'd know.

 

SD, I really hope for your sake that you first feel better, and second, consider the good advice you've gotten on this forum. You come here and seem to ignore most of it and now it's disheartening to see you hurt when you could have easily mitigated or avoided it.

 

I have to ask: Did you learn anything? I know it's painful but you can at least take the lessons learned (if any) and apply them to the next situation.

 

I don't get the whole you always learn from a rejection..sometimes a women just isn't attracted to you and they'res nothing you could have done different..

[JuneJulySeptember]

I don't get the whole you always learn from a rejection..sometimes a women just isn't attracted to you and they'res nothing you could have done different..

 

You learn how to take it.

 

And don't think it doesn't mean anything.

 

Toughening up your skin is probably the best advice I'd have for guys like you (me, us).

[xxoo]

As much as I do rag on myself, I really can't think of any reasons why a woman wouldn't want to date me unless she was just shallow.

 

Your line of thinking here is so hard for me to understand, so I guess it is equally hard for you to understand my line of thinking.

 

A woman can meet many guys who are perfectly fine (not ugly, nothing wrong with them) and not feel that connection that makes you want to date them. It's not shallow. It's interest vs. non-interest.

 

You really want a girlfriend to fill a space. Most people don't just want a partner to fill a space. We want someone we really feel drawn toward, feel attraction for, and would give up our singlehood (which many people enjoy) to be with them. Most people (men and women) reject a few interested parties before they find someone that makes them say, "Yeah, I really want to be with this person".

[somedude81]

I really think it has a lot to do with the fact that you're a decade older than them and still in college. I'm sure you're a nice, good looking, friendly, fun guy. But you don't have a job and as much as a few girls will chime and say that doesn't matter to them, it does to most of them. That's a baseline prerequisite. Your confidence is getting destroyed because your whole current situation is a non-starter for the girls. You need to continue being friendly and fun, but you also need to get a job and/or a purpose in life and look for age appropriate women. I bet you'll have a lot more luck then, your situation is probably giving you a skewed perception of yourself. You're probably a lot more desirable than you realize -- to age appropriate women.

 

Girls in college don't have a clue how old I am or guys for that matter.

 

I was in my math class talking to a guy and girl about how this is my very last class to graduate and that I've been at the school for several years. Then the girl asks how old I am and I say older than she is. Then the guys says, 23 I say no, then the girls asks 24.

 

As long as that happens, I'm just not going to accept that my age is a reason. Don't forget the fact that even when I was young I still wasn't dating girls. There is something else far more important than my age that is holding me back.

[somedude81]

Your line of thinking here is so hard for me to understand, so I guess it is equally hard for you to understand my line of thinking.

 

A woman can meet many guys who are perfectly fine (not ugly, nothing wrong with them) and not feel that connection that makes you want to date them. It's not shallow. It's interest vs. non-interest.

 

If a girl is cute and has a fun personality, that is enough for me to be interested in her. At that point I'd want to talk to her more and see if we are compatible.

 

Women aren't like that and seem to require something "magical" to be interested in a guy. That's what is getting me so frustrated.

 

You really want a girlfriend to fill a space. Most people don't just want a partner to fill a space. We want someone we really feel drawn toward, feel attraction for, and would give up our singlehood (which many people enjoy) to be with them. Most people (men and women) reject a few interested parties before they find someone that makes them say, "Yeah, I really want to be with this person".

 

I like this girl as more than a space filler. That should be obvious from how I've been writing about her. I've been very drawn to her since our first real conversation. I like her so much that I'm most likely never going to go to that class again and stop doing something I really enjoy because I don't want to see her getting close to another guy.

[xxoo]

If a girl is cute and has a fun personality, that is enough for me to be interested in her. At that point I'd want to talk to her more and see if we are compatible.

 

Women aren't like that and seem to require something "magical" to be interested in a guy. That's what is getting me so frustrated.

 

 

 

I like this girl as more than a space filler. That should be obvious from how I've been writing about her. I've been very drawn to her since our first real conversation. I like her so much that I'm most likely never going to go to that class again and stop doing something I really enjoy because I don't want to see her getting close to another guy.

 

It's not just women that are like that. Men are, too. Most guys don't just date the first girl/woman interested in him.

 

Ok, YOU felt these things for her, but she didn't feel it for YOU. She wants to be with someone that SHE feels that way about. She may already feel that way about someone else, who isn't as interested in her. Your interactions with her are not in a vacuum where you act and she reacts. She's got a full social life with many people and she has her own desires and hopes and dreams.

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

A woman can meet many guys who are perfectly fine (not ugly, nothing wrong with them) and not feel that connection that makes you want to date them. It's not shallow. It's interest vs. non-interest.

 

The reason guys think it's always looks, looks, looks is because those women will typically want the best looking guys, and may often even verbalize that to the guy who likes her.

 

Now, I realize there's a lot of hyperbole "Girls reject me and throw themselves over my good-looking bud and he pumps and dumps em." and that is an exaggeration, but I have seen what I mentioned above a lot.

 

Now, if women rejected guys and ended up picking guys worse looking than them, guys wouldn't say that they think it's looks.

[ThaWholigan]

Having some guys get down on me for moping isn't going to help me

 

Whatever, you still need friends. If I was acting like you, my friends wouldn't be dicks about it, but they would still get me out of my funk. You have nobody to do that, you're left in your funk to wallow about how unfair life is and God wants to punish you etc. Don't you get tired of not taking more initiative of your own mood?

 

Though yes, I do need to work on not getting attached to girls. It's been a thing for my whole life. At least now I regularly talk to the girls I like and am trying to get them to spend time with me.

 

My piano tutor has been teaching me for a year now. When I practice, sometimes I come across a mistake and it repeats itself - but I still practice it consistently. When I go to my lesson and make the same mistake, occasionally I say "FFS, I always make that mistake". But that's the ultimate mistake - he tells me "you should be practising not to make that mistake. Practice the same thing 5 times in a row, if you make a mistake, start from the beginning. Until you can do it consistently 5 times in a row".

 

You drill yourself to do something other than the same mistake.

 

As for it being normal, normal isn't getting rejected by every girl one has ever liked.

 

You've only increased the volume of women you actually pursue an interest in recently - around the time you actually got a GF. This is what happens most of the time. I'd say at least 90% of the women I'm interested in on average probably don't have much interest in me. Doesn't mean I get no interest, but reciprocation accounts for a lot. You should be looking for reciprocation off the bat, which leads me to....

 

What do you mean by be more proactive?

 

Find mutual interest ASAP. If there is none, you move quickly. Were it me, I'd have no problem keeping busy girl as a friend, but that's because the friendzone can actually be useful to me - simply because I've eliminated her as a potential romantic option so hanging out with her is no big deal. Unfortunately, you invest way too much time, and emotional energy into girls - it matters to you way too much, and that's what isn't normal in this case.

 

I feel like I tell you this EVERY time I post in one of your threads - but you need to find something else to do. Something that occupies your time and emotional energy more than getting a GF. This is the ONLY way that you will actually be able to try and date girls without meeting the host of problems that you do. It will have to be something outside of college and salsa - because those two things are intrinsically tied to "Operation Girlfriend" and you need to find something as far away from that as possible.

 

I want a GF too, I'd love one. I'm a soppy romantic git and I love women . But I have important sh*t to do, and that occupies my time and energy. I have a job, I have my piano, I have my projects (music, writing etc), my goals and aspirations, my targets for each month and year (including working out and style/hygiene too). I have 2 noticeboards that are both full and I'm probably gonna get another one. And when I fulfill the things I have to do, I'm ecstatic. I don't need a GF to make me happy, I already have a full life. I'm not happy all the time, but I'm content overall.

 

If you did the same as me, you'd be a lot more sparing with that energy and time. And you'd have less headspace to worry about getting a GF.

 

 

But, chances are I just typed all that for nothing again, because you're going to say "but all I want is a GF and I'm miserable without one etc etc" and you will be back to square one.

[NJ123]

The reason guys think it's always looks, looks, looks is because those women will typically want the best looking guys, and may often even verbalize that to the guy who likes her.

 

Now, I realize there's a lot of hyperbole "Girls reject me and throw themselves over my good-looking bud and he pumps and dumps em." and that is an exaggeration, but I have seen what I mentioned above a lot.

 

Now, if women rejected guys and ended up picking guys worse looking than them, guys wouldn't say that they think it's looks.

 

But looks do come first. That's the first thing a woman sees from a guy. Looks come first before anything else except if the guy is wealthy than that's when it doesn't matter since those ugly rich guys will always get a beautiful girlfriend/wife easily. If a woman isn't attracted to you, than she won't want to date you.

[somedude81]

It's not just women that are like that. Men are, too. Most guys don't just date the first girl/woman interested in him.

 

Ok, YOU felt these things for her, but she didn't feel it for YOU. She wants to be with someone that SHE feels that way about. She may already feel that way about someone else, who isn't as interested in her. Your interactions with her are not in a vacuum where you act and she reacts. She's got a full social life with many people and she has her own desires and hopes and dreams.

 

And that is why I'm getting so frustrated.

 

I'm just never the guy that girls want to be with.

 

I understand not wanting to date everybody that is interested in me. Though the only girls that I come across who like me that I'm not interested in me are either very heavy, or just plain ugly.

 

That's why I can't understand when girls turn me down, since I don't have any major flaws, unless my height counts.

[Anela]

As much as I do rag on myself, I really can't think of any reasons why a woman wouldn't want to date me unless she was just shallow.

 

I know I'm not ugly and I'm not that short. This girl was only about 5'2 so she shouldn't even care about my height. My body is fine. I'm friendly and fun to be with, I'm sociable, not creepy and a good dancer. In the class girls are always coming up to me to ask me how to do X move.

 

But for whatever reason, I'm never the guy girls want to actually date. And that destroys my confidence.

 

How old was the guy she walked off with?

 

Does he had friends?

 

I don't want to beat up on you. Looks might be a part of it, but if you're annoyed that she might think he's better looking, then remember your own reaction to that girl who seems to be attracted to you.