Trying to date a busy girl

[NJ123]

The reason guys think it's always looks, looks, looks is because those women will typically want the best looking guys, and may often even verbalize that to the guy who likes her.

 

Now, I realize there's a lot of hyperbole "Girls reject me and throw themselves over my good-looking bud and he pumps and dumps em." and that is an exaggeration, but I have seen what I mentioned above a lot.

 

Now, if women rejected guys and ended up picking guys worse looking than them, guys wouldn't say that they think it's looks.

 

I see so many times where I read about where a woman dates a really good looking guy, than find out their a real piece of ****, than dump them. So obviously the way the guy looked came first before the personality. It might not be right or fair that looks come first, but that's just the way it is. Women are biologically wired that way, where they want to have kids with the best looking partner they possibly could get.

[sillyanswer]

In the class girls are always coming up to me to ask me how to do X move.

 

You've got the moves, Somedude! Are you sure they're not hitting on you, but in a subtle way?

[preraph]

There's a very good chance that that guy agreed to go with her and her friends and didn't turn down that type invitation where you did.

[ThaWholigan]

The reason guys think it's always looks, looks, looks is because those women will typically want the best looking guys, and may often even verbalize that to the guy who likes her.

 

Now, I realize there's a lot of hyperbole "Girls reject me and throw themselves over my good-looking bud and he pumps and dumps em." and that is an exaggeration, but I have seen what I mentioned above a lot.

 

Now, if women rejected guys and ended up picking guys worse looking than them, guys wouldn't say that they think it's looks.

Those guys will always blame something. If it's not looks, it'll be something else. I know because I used to do it when I was a lot younger and insecure, and telling myself I was ugly. I've been through all the emotions and anger that all you guys have gone through. I grew out of it though.

 

The looks argument is convenient. You can't change your appearance completely, but you can augment it to a certain degree. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I can confidently say that regardless of how I look, I don't think that is a problem.

[somedude81]

How old was the guy she walked off with?

 

Does he had friends?

 

I don't want to beat up on you. Looks might be a part of it, but if you're annoyed that she might think he's better looking, then remember your own reaction to that girl who seems to be attracted to you.

 

Why does it matter how old the guy was or if he has friends?

 

He doesn't have any friends in the class.

[Phoe]

While I don't disagree with you, I'm not sure how it relates to my situation.

 

Care to expand?

 

It relates perfectly to your situation.

 

You put yourself in a situation that you admit has never worked for you before.

 

You definitely were cautioned here, to take it easy with her, although I personally know how hard it is to follow the advice given on this forum, when your heart is screaming to do otherwise.

 

And you also admit you got way too attached, and didn't even realize it until now

 

You've got to protect yourself, learn how to not get attached, and learn when to walk away. Sometimes it's not worth putting in all that thought and effort

[Anela]

Why does it matter how old the guy was or if he has friends?

 

He doesn't have any friends in the class.

 

Oh, I don't know: maybe because it has been discussed over and over in this thread, how both might apply to your problems with women.

 

Are you shallow for not being attracted to the girl who clearly likes you?

[johan]

That's why I can't understand when girls turn me down, since I don't have any major flaws, unless my height counts.

 

Yeah. What's up with that?

 

Those crazy girls.

[xxoo]

That's why I can't understand when girls turn me down, since I don't have any major flaws, unless my height counts.

 

You have social flaws. It's the one thing you avoid talking about or working on, but it's your most significant challenge in dating.

[somedude81]

It relates perfectly to your situation.

 

You put yourself in a situation that you admit has never worked for you before.

 

Actually, this situation was never something I've tried before. Where a girl knows I like her right away and I quickly try to spend time with her. Normally when that happens, I get a clear rejection and the girl doesn't talk to me anymore. This girl was still very friendly. Though I think that she's the type who can't say no.

 

So it's almost as if her looking at me, and then walking out with with other guy was her telling me that she's not interested in me.

 

You definitely were cautioned here, to take it easy with her, although I personally know how hard it is to follow the advice given on this forum, when your heart is screaming to do otherwise.

 

And you also admit you got way too attached, and didn't even realize it until now

 

You've got to protect yourself, learn how to not get attached, and learn when to walk away. Sometimes it's not worth putting in all that thought and effort

 

Yes I knew I was warned and that I shouldn't have kept trying with her. I was just so drawn to her. She's the first girl I've actually liked since my ex dumped me.

 

I don't know how not to get attached. Right now I really want a girlfriend and when I meet somebody who is pretty much everything I want and they seem to enjoy my company while not having any major flaws; how do I not get attached?

 

Ugh, I can't imagine how it would feel if this girl and I were actual friends and hung out together outside of class and something like this happened.

 

I'm frustrated that I gave it my all, and just wasn't good enough.

[somedude81]

You have social flaws. It's the one thing you avoid talking about or working on, but it's your most significant challenge in dating.

 

She doesn't know of my social flaws. She doesn't know my age either, or how much money I have.

 

None of those are relevant yet.

 

When we talk it's primarily about her and I drop some things about myself every now and then.

[somedude81]

Oh, I don't know: maybe because it has been discussed over and over in this thread, how both might apply to your problems with women.

 

 

I really doubt that at some point in the conversation he told her "I have friends that I do stuff with."

 

When I talked with her, the only time the topic of friends ever came up was when I suggested we get lunch together and she said that she eats lunch with her friends.

 

My age was never a conversation topic. Neither was hers.

 

Are you shallow for not being attracted to the girl who clearly likes you?

 

I am far better looking than that girl. She is not attractive at all. She has an odd shaped face that seems almost masculine and she has a unibrow. She also doesn't wear any makeup.

 

Personally I know that I'm not unattractive. The only flaw I have is my height and I really do try to look as best as I can.

[johan]

She doesn't know of my social flaws. She doesn't know my age either, or how much money I have.

 

None of those are relevant yet.

 

When we talk it's primarily about her and I drop some things about myself every now and then.

 

Women pick up on things. Even just in your approach, they can tell when a guy has, for instance, a thick skull pretty quickly. And don't fool yourself. They can tell you're older.

 

Every guy has "social flaws". The guys who get farther are the ones who are a bit hard on themselves about it. No one expects you to be perfect, they just expect you to care. I don't mean care about whether you will ultimately get a couple dates and some sex. I mean care that your personality issues aren't getting in the way of a real connection. If you only think physical things are important, even in the first few moments, then you're playing a losing game.

 

Of course, none of this is relevant to you. I'm just talking hypothetically. Other guys. You're fine.

[somedude81]

Those guys will always blame something. If it's not looks, it'll be something else. I know because I used to do it when I was a lot younger and insecure, and telling myself I was ugly. I've been through all the emotions and anger that all you guys have gone through. I grew out of it though.

 

The looks argument is convenient. You can't change your appearance completely, but you can augment it to a certain degree. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I can confidently say that regardless of how I look, I don't think that is a problem.

 

Yes we will always blame something. That's what the brain needs to do.

 

I'm desperately trying to find the reason, something that explains why I struggle with women.

 

In the past it was about how uncomfortable I was with women and how awkward I was while trying to talk to them. I was also terrified of touching girls.

 

Those issues and several others are long gone, and yet I still struggle. The only things I haven't really tried, and simply can't test is if I would have success with women if I was taller and better looking. So those became my default reason of why I fail.

 

For whatever reason, women aren't connecting with me in a way that makes them want to date me. Until I figure that out, I'm going to live a very lonely life.

[Anela]

I really doubt that at some point in the conversation he told her "I have friends that I do stuff with."

 

Why? She might know him outside of that class, as well.

 

 

When I talked with her, the only time the topic of friends ever came up was when I suggested we get lunch together and she said that she eats lunch with her friends.

 

My age was never a conversation topic. Neither was hers.

 

It doesn't have to be a topic of conversation, to be a factor here.

 

I am far better looking than that girl. She is not attractive at all. She has an odd shaped face that seems almost masculine and she has a unibrow. She also doesn't wear any makeup.

 

Personally I know that I'm not unattractive. The only flaw I have is my height and I really do try to look as best as I can.

 

This is unfair to that girl, and you know it. This IS shallow.

[xxoo]

Somedude, you don't realize that all of this life experience/lack of life experience comes through in getting to know people.

 

Anyway, the point is that it is silly for you to believe that you have no flaws. Everyone has flaws, and you have more dating challenges than most college students and/or people in your age group, which just means you've got to work twice as hard and have twice as much perseverance. And by "work", I don't mean refining your approach. I mean working on the things that keep you from being a really attractive partner at this point in life: your social awareness, your school and job situation, and your dependence on a woman for happiness.

[sillyanswer]

Why? She might know him outside of that class, as well.

 

That's a good point. They might even have other classes together.

[ThaWholigan]

She doesn't know of my social flaws. She doesn't know my age either, or how much money I have.

 

None of those are relevant yet.

 

Not trying to get at you here, but how do you know all that though?

 

That's like someone saying to me "you have autism, it can show and people will notice odd things about you", and then me saying "that's not relevant, she doesn't know I'm autistic, she won't be able to tell etc". How the f*ck do I know that?

 

You will never know exactly how people perceive you.

[xxoo]

Not trying to get at you here, but how do you know all that though?

 

That's like someone saying to me "you have autism, it can show and people will notice odd things about you", and then me saying "that's not relevant, she doesn't know I'm autistic, she won't be able to tell etc". How the f*ck do I know that?

 

You will never know exactly how people perceive you.

 

Furthermore, if you generally have trouble understanding what others think/feel, it will be nearly impossible to understand what they think/feel about you. It's hard enough for people to know how others perceive you when you have a good ability to understand other's point of view.

[preraph]

I don't think she cared at all that I couldn't have lunch with her yesterday. By the time she responded to my text, I had class in five minutes.

 

It's not really a case of you snooze you lose, because if she wanted to walk with me, she would have said bye to him and waited for me.

 

But instead she knew that I wanted to walk with her and she definitely acknowledged my presence but then took off with him.

 

It's just so frustrating that I wasn't able to make any progress with her and it looks like some other guy will. I feel like such a loser.

 

I know it's frustrating, but if you look at the overall pattern with this girl, you two have problems communicating well with each other and your timing is off. Even if she had chosen you, there's a good chance it would have just been the beginning of a frustrating relationship for you. She obviously likes to have her friends around; that bothers you. The way she lets things just hang bothers you (and it should). She is probably just too immature for you.

 

We all crave certain people we simply can't have. We think because we can envision such a nice relationship with them that that is how it would be if they'd only listen, but it simply isn't true. Everyone has their qualifications, their own quirks, their social style that won't mesh with everyone's. Some people are too easy to influence, others too opinionated. We all wish we could find that perfect match packaged in what we find attractive (or at least without a Sponge Bob face complete with unibrow).

 

Most of us will never get the ideal we have in our head because that ideal just doesn't usually exist. No one is that flawless. But eventually, some of us will meet someone we love flaws and all because their good parts simply make their bad parts worth overlooking. I hope you'll go work this anger off in the gym and then get back to that salsa class pronto.

[Lani]

Yes we will always blame something. That's what the brain needs to do.

 

I'm desperately trying to find the reason, something that explains why I struggle with women.

 

In the past it was about how uncomfortable I was with women and how awkward I was while trying to talk to them. I was also terrified of touching girls.

 

Those issues and several others are long gone, and yet I still struggle. The only things I haven't really tried, and simply can't test is if I would have success with women if I was taller and better looking. So those became my default reason of why I fail.

 

For whatever reason, women aren't connecting with me in a way that makes them want to date me. Until I figure that out, I'm going to live a very lonely life.

 

Maybe it's the way you dress? Your hair? Your overall style?

Or it could be that you actually are creepy without realising it?

Maybe somehow girls know your ex and have heard things about you.

Maybe you smell like soup.

Maybe you have weird little hands that nobody wants on them.

 

Point is that there is a multitude of reasons that women don't like men. The same as there are a multitude of reasons that men don't like women. It's personal. You can't go through life being all 'WHY don't girls like me', because you're never going to get to the bottom of that.

Anyone with more dating experience than you will be a little more fussy about who they date. You've said it yourself that you're more picky since your ex, so just imagine what those who have been in multiple relationships are thinking?!

 

Everyone else seems to have glossed over this (or aren't mentioning it for fear of you using the 'that's not what this thread is about' chant again) but can I ask what class she was in of yours? You had mentioned a while ago that whatever happens with women this semester, it would not impact your studies.. from where I sit, not going to a certain class because of a rejection looks like a pretty decent impact.

[organizedchaos]

SD, what about the girl you had lunch with and are going salsa dancing with? Why are you so bent out if shape? Just because she ticked off all your boxes doesn't mean you ticked off hers. There are numerous reasons attraction doesn't happen no matter how ideal a parter YOU think YOU would be. Deal with it. And move on. This self loathing is getting old.

[Badsingularity]

. Until I figure that out, I'm going to live a very lonely life.

 

You may not remember the things I have posted.

Things about a mans inner strength, presence, confidence, aura, state of mind, the resulting body language and how it effects how women feel around you.

It is what makes the difference between a woman feeling neutral towards you and a woman feeling attracted to you. It is what I believe you are missing.

 

I've explained how to develope attractive traits past posts.

 

If you ever want to take a second look, you know where to find them.

[Teknoe]

SD, I know in all likelihood you are going to ignore this or not address it at all, but I'm going to respond specifically to 3 of your posts. I doubt your spirit is in a posture to be open and receive it, but I'll write it anyway in the slim hopes that something might click and say "Hmmm, maybe there's some truth there..."

 

 

Girls in college don't have a clue how old I am or guys for that matter.

 

I was in my math class talking to a guy and girl about how this is my very last class to graduate and that I've been at the school for several years. Then the girl asks how old I am and I say older than she is. Then the guys says, 23 I say no, then the girls asks 24.

 

As long as that happens, I'm just not going to accept that my age is a reason.

 

Said it already but it's called simple etiquette. People always guess 5-7 years under what they really think, to be kind. So if they said 23/24, you're looking anywhere from 28-31. And to a young 22 year old college kid, 28-31 is ancient.

 

I'm curious, though you probably won't respond, whether you told them "33" after they guessed.

 

There is something else far more important than my age that is holding me back.

 

33 isn't bad. But what is bad is being 33 still in college without a job hitting on 20-22 year old girls. You're just handicapping yourself massively.

 

That's why you haven't experienced dating success outside of one time.

 

You might aruge when you were 20-25 you were still dateless, so yes, it is more than age (though age currently plays a factor). Like others said, it's most likely a glaring lack of life experience and tunnel vision that has turned girls off. Everything to you is seen as a transaction to get a GF. People can feel that, and it's a turn off. It's much better when you're just having fun getting to know someone without a dating agenda.

 

You can't seem to do that, and girls have ran in the other direction. It's something you need to honestly assess.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm friendly and fun to be with, I'm sociable, not creepy and a good dancer.

 

Friendly is such a generic adjective. Who isn't friendly, especially around cute opposite sex members? What does "fun to be with" look like to you? How do you know you're "fun to be with" ? Under what parameters do you base that off? If you're so fun to be with, why did your ex bail on you after 6 months and basically blocked you from future contact? That doesn't seem like "fun to be with" to me.

 

Look, not trying to rag on you here, but would love to hear you elaborate so we can better understand where it is that you're coming from. "Fun to be with" is again such a generic term. On what grounds did you arrive to that conclusion?

 

And if you're sociable, then where are your platonic friends?

 

Again, I don't make the rules, but if a 33 year old guy with no job still in college is hitting on 20-22 year old girls, then yes, that could easily be seen/interpreted as creepy. And yes, despite what they guess your age is, you know you're 28+, and to a 20-22 year old, 28+ is ancient. Don't kid yourself when you hear 23/24 from someone. That's just being nice. No one wants to be that jerk who guesses 30 and the person says "um, no, 28..."

 

Sorry to say it but women will judge you based on your social standing. You don't have to be the life of a party or have 20 friends, but even a few decent friends will help you with the ladies. In general, it helps create a healthy balance and helps you build perspective. Most women will view loners as creepers. It's just the way it is.

 

If you're not handsome or rich, it's even worse. Jobless and still in school at 33? It's a huge handicap.

 

 

She doesn't know of my social flaws. She doesn't know my age either, or how much money I have.

 

None of those are relevant yet.

 

When we talk it's primarily about her and I drop some things about myself every now and then.

 

This is one of your biggest issues. And until you iron them out, the cycles in your life are likely to repeat.

 

You admittedly know having no friends is seen as more of a negative than a positive. You admittedly knowing being 33 in college is seen as more of a negative than a positive. OK, you can't change the latter, but you sure as hell can work on the former. You know you're lacking in that area, yet instead of working on it, you put your head in the sand and tell yourself until you're blue in the face:

 

"I don't care if I have no friends. Why should a girl care? And if she does, hey, she won't know I'm a lone wolf until much later if at all. I'll cross that bridge when I get there."

 

Be proactive. Shore up your weaknesses.

 

It'd be like taking my car to a mechanic and the mechanic thinks to himself "Oh, I don't have the best tools in the game, but hey he won't know..."

 

5 hours later, my car is broken in the middle of the freeway.

 

Basically SD, you seem to think you're fine as is, and you refuse to commit to any sort of self-improvement. This is why you constantly return to square one time after time.

[Teknoe]

despite what they guess your age is, you know you're 28+, and to a 20-22 year old, 28+ is ancient.

 

You know you're 28 should be "THEY know you're 28+"