Trying to date a busy girl

[somedude81]

There really is no point in you guys posting here if all your are going to do is argue with me.

[Lani]

There really is no point in you guys posting here if all your are going to do is argue with me.

 

Stop starting threads if you don't want actual opinions.

[MissBee]

Because I'm DESPERATE to get a girlfriend. I finally find a girl that is attractive and single. So like a retard I latch on to her. For some goddamned reason I still have hope.

 

Being desperate is never a good position to be in.

 

However, I say this seriously: there is a female poster here who is the inverse of you. She is desperate to find a boyfriend and makes similar threads in which she is jealous of people who do have boyfriend or are married and her sole focus in life is to find a boyfriend and she refuses to consider advice that she needs to work on herself before making a man her priority in life. She doesn't listen, she still thinks finding a man is the answer to every problem and once she does life will be happy. The similarities are quite uncanny.

 

In any event maybe you two should PM each other? She's in the age range you like also. So perhaps the two of you could solve your problems together? I'm not being funny here. It seems like both of you will repel other people by being desperate but maybe can understand each other more?

[somedude81]

Being desperate is never a good position to be in.

 

However, I say this seriously: there is a female poster here who is the inverse of you. She is desperate to find a boyfriend and makes similar threads in which she is jealous of people who do have boyfriend or are married and her sole focus in life is to find a boyfriend and she refuses to consider advice that she needs to work on herself before making a man her priority in life. She doesn't listen, she still thinks finding a man is the answer to every problem and once she does life will be happy. The similarities are quite uncanny.

 

In any event maybe you two should PM each other? She's in the age range you like also. So perhaps the two of you could solve your problems together? I'm not being funny here. It seems like both of you will repel other people by being desperate but maybe can understand each other more?

 

Is the a regular member? I don't recall anybody like that.

 

Either way, I'm desperate but also picky. Which I know is a bad combination.

 

I do listen to advice that is given to me. I just gave an example of listening to that advice a page or two ago.

 

I have no idea why you say that I don't try to work on myself. What I don't like is the "advice" that I need to be at a certain level before a woman would consider me. That's bullsh*t

 

Though yes, I do feel that having a girlfriend is the answer to all of my problems as long as stuff like money and shelter is taken care of.

[ThaWholigan]

There really is no point in you guys posting here if all your are going to do is argue with me.

There is really no point in replying to any of your threads then is there? You'll just habitually do the same sh*t and still come back here pissed off about it but we're all wrong and you're right.

[rester]

I know that she's at least 21. So if she thinks that I'm 24/25, that shouldn't be a problem.

 

 

 

I know that I'm overreacting.

 

Yeah I have things about myself I need to work on.

 

I do think that he likes her. The don't seem to know each other before this class.

 

 

 

While I didn't make it clear, she is the hottest girl in the class to me.

 

She's short, cute and a bit overweight. She's not objectively beautiful. But she is what I like.

 

 

 

I don't really have any ways to meet people outside of college, but I do talk to a lot of people. Of course I'm open to other girls. I did have lunch with a girl I barely know yesterday.

 

I just really like this girl.

 

 

 

When I was down in the dumps my friends never did any of that stuff. All they did was make fun of me. That's why having guy friends is such a low priority for me.

 

My outlet is LS and my therapist whom I only see once a week.

 

No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've ever had a real friend. Kids in junior high school "make fun" of each other. Adult friends might rag on each other but friends lift you up and don't bring you down. "Making fun" of someone is an insecure move and a childish communication technique. Judging from your writing on here, your communication skills are well above that.

 

It's not easy making friends when you get to your 30s, but if you have similar interests you can take initiative and invite someone to do something like go surfing or go for a bike ride or go out dancing to hit on girls. Maybe the fact that you prefer to speak to anonymous folks on an Internet forum rather than have a beer with a buddy could be a topic for your therapy session?

 

Friends sure as hell aren't going to solve all of your problems but having social support helps. And we all know you need social support or you wouldn't start all these threads, right?

 

As always, just trying to help. Good luck with that other girl on Monday. Hopefully she will help get your attention off of girl A.

 

And I definitely think you should keep going to your other class and try to play it off like you just don't care.

[Phoe]

almost every woman I know has her face in her phone 24/7, so if she doesn't respond to you, she just doesn't want to.

 

I wouldn't go quite this far. I personally pay little attention to my phone. If I. At work it may be in my purse all day. If I'm at home it could be laying around anywhere. I went out running errands and didn't even have it with me. My phone is quite neglected.

 

But I'd moreso look at how she replies. Her texts never appeared enthusiastic.

 

So.

 

If you were a guy who is a 4, you'd have to hit on women who are 1s and 2s.

 

What is a woman who is a 1 or a 2? Lol.

 

Heavier women in their 50s? I think a lot of them would be married tho.

 

See, that's the thing. Young women, unless obese, rarely rank lower than a 4 or 5.

 

How would a guy who is a 4 play your game? I consider myself about that.

 

I agree. Most people, especially younger, are pretty decent looking.

 

i feel like, for both genders, anything below a 5 is quite rare.

 

Trying to work the numbers game, when the number you're supposed to aim for, may be virtually impossible to find, seems pointless.

[Cristo]

It absolutely works. I figured that would be common knowledge for anyone with any dating experience. Easiest way to get laid is to hit on women that aren't as attractive as you are. Look at SD for example. He is hitting on the hottest girl in the class, but he got passed over for another guy. Meanwhile, there is a less attractive girl he thinks will date him. If he would focus his efforts on the type of girl that might actually date him, that less attractive one, he might actually get somewhere. Almost every single person I know is single because they keep trying to be with the most physically attractive people.

 

SD will continue to ignore my advice though. He doesn't understand why the hottest women aren't interested, even though he isn't interested in those average looking girls. Funny, that.

 

To be fair, I'm not the most attractive guy around and I HAVE gotten the most attractive girl around in the past, multiple times. However, if these were the only women that I ever dated, I wouldn't have nearly as much dating experience right now.

 

Average women are just fine to me...especially if they happen to be Asian.

[Phoe]

SD, I remember when I was in college, the idea of dating even a 25 year old was shocking to me. Some girls might just find the concept of it too intimidating. Reminds me of freshman year of high school, all these senior guys walking around with beards. I was scared of them! Haha. When they'd try to chat with me I'd get choked up cause they seemed SO OLD to me, at the time.

 

Also, I found it odd that you mentioned that the girl you aren't attracted to doesn't wear makeup. Is makeup a requirement for you?

 

I always felt the guys weren't very adept at figuring out whether girls are or aren't wearing makeup, at least when a girl has a natural look. Some makeup looks are obvious.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm just going to repeat myself from a few days ago. I guess 'that's it COMPLETELY' for her now.

 

 

 

Quote:

[sIZE=2]Originally Posted by somedude81 [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Sent her a text a few hours ago asked if she was going out dancing tonight in a joking way.

 

No reply so far.

 

If she doesn't reply, then that's it completely for this girl.

[/sIZE]

 

Why did you think it would end any other way? When she said she was too busy to date, she meant it. In fact, it may have been her way of saying 'I'm too busy to date YOU'.

 

But you kept on poking around, setting yourself up for the eventual disappointment. And now 'that's it' for her? I'm sure she's shattered.

 

Why do you do this to yourself?

[rester]

Though yes, I do feel that having a girlfriend is the answer to all of my problems as long as stuff like money and shelter is taken care of.

 

If only that were true. This whole website is full of people starting threads about problems IN their relationship. None of us are immune.

[MissBee]

Is the a regular member? I don't recall anybody like that.

 

Either way, I'm desperate but also picky. Which I know is a bad combination.

 

I do listen to advice that is given to me. I just gave an example of listening to that advice a page or two ago.

 

I have no idea why you say that I don't try to work on myself. What I don't like is the "advice" that I need to be at a certain level before a woman would consider me. That's bullsh*t

Though yes, I do feel that having a girlfriend is the answer to all of my problems as long as stuff like money and shelter is taken care of.

 

I didn't say you didn't, I said she didn't.

 

In any event the bold boils down to a similar mentality where you both are obsessed with being with other people but ironically enough, the more you obsess the more elusive finding someone to be with is...yet you still think that if you just find a girlfriend/boyfriend that will make things good.

 

I don't expect you'll ever understand if after 28 pages and tens of threads you still don't...but maybe I'll connect you two via PM.

 

On one hand I understand that because being with women hasn't come easy it becomes this thing you're obsessed with but it's a catch-22 because you're obsessed because you've never had it easily but that same obsession only makes it more unattainable. This other poster doesn't get that either.

 

I's like a friend of mine, she's a woman, she's never dated or had sex or a boyfriend and the truth is: her personality is very off putting. She has low self esteem, is self-deprecating, she gets OBSESSED easily and attached to men she only knows casually and all she thinks about is how to get a man to like her. Sigh. She constantly thinks I'm so charming and men like me and how do I do it and so on...and I try to tell her that first off: I don't obsess over men I don't know well. I am very much casual and think you like me or don't. For her she obsesses over every interaction, even when it is clear a man doesn't like her she keeps trying to ask why or figure out how to get him to...like he is the LAST or ONLY man alive...and I don't get it. If a man doesn't like me...alright. He is free not to. He is not the only man on earth. Long story short, people who behave like this only shoot themselves in the foot, and the truth is, there is no magic formula...it's obvious that people who DON'T behave like this have better luck and why they don't behave this way seems to be deeply about who they are and how they view themselves, which isn't something you can fake.

 

On one hand I've had boyfriends, I date, so I'm experienced and self-assured (which didn't happen overnight) that men come and go and my world doesn't rise and set around finding a boyfriend. That type of attitude helps me to not be a miserable person and also attracts men. She doesn't get it. She thinks I have some mysterious power, which I don't. My power is that I'm a well-adjusted woman who knows my worth and who isn't obsessed with any man and can flirt and be casual and take it for what it is and isn't without acitng like the world is gonna end if by the end of the convo he isn't my boyfriend. So in that sense, I've lived and learned and know what the deal is. She hasn't though so I think in her mind getting a boyfriend is this larger than life unattainable so very powerful thing for her...whereas people who date a lot or have had multiple relationships can be a lot more realistic. It seems you suffer from the same kind of issue where because you've had only one gf you are just so obsessed and give being a relationship more power than its worth.

 

Anyway, I truly wish I could teach you how to fix that. I really do. But I'm not even sure what to tell you...as I'm probably sure in your mind you read this and it still comes down to the bottom line: BLAH BLAH I NEED GF!

 

If you are that desperate then maybe you should not be that picky but on the other hand, you need to be MORE picky, but about stuff that matters, not about looks or breast size. I already told you, your criteria for dating a woman is pretty underdeveloped. You think it will make things easier because you just want cute, fun and whatever the other thing is. But actually, it doesn't. Perhaps if you actually thought about particular qualities and values you'd be able to find women more similar to you and your interests (or do you not have any besides finding a woman) where you could truly connect and develop something even if she isn't the cutest woman alive. Cute and fun and not crazy are not even real qualities, they are VERY generic, and doesn't make your dating pool specific. As a simple experiment in trying something different and seeing if you have better results, why not ask out women who aren't all that physically your type or who like you but you don't like that much, and just SEE what develops. Practice talking to them, learning about them and seeing if anything of substance can develop....JUST SEE...at 33 you should be looking for so much more in a WOMAN (not girls btw) besides cute and fun. Do that and see what transpires. Because simply chasing cute and fun in absence of even knowing anything else about this person or having any other kind of standard hasn't really worked.

[somedude81]

SD, I remember when I was in college, the idea of dating even a 25 year old was shocking to me. Some girls might just find the concept of it too intimidating. Reminds me of freshman year of high school, all these senior guys walking around with beards. I was scared of them! Haha. When they'd try to chat with me I'd get choked up cause they seemed SO OLD to me, at the time.

 

Really, when you were in college it was unheard of to date guys a few years older?

 

I really don't think that girls who are 21 would think that a 24 year old guy is too old for them.

 

Of course I'm not 24 but that's beside the point.

 

Also, I found it odd that you mentioned that the girl you aren't attracted to doesn't wear makeup. Is makeup a requirement for you?

 

I always felt the guys weren't very adept at figuring out whether girls are or aren't wearing makeup, at least when a girl has a natural look. Some makeup looks are obvious.

 

Makeup isn't a requirement but this girl gives off the impression that she doesn't care about her appearance. Makeup would at least hide her blemishes.

 

I prefer very light makeup.

 

Honestly I can't remember if my ex wore makeup on a daily basis. All I remember is when she glammed it up for date nights.

[Cristo]

When I was down in the dumps my friends never did any of that stuff. All they did was make fun of me. That's why having guy friends is such a low priority for me.

 

My outlet is LS and my therapist whom I only see once a week.

 

Strange. I have had TONS of guy friends throughout my life. None were the way that you describe. Most were supportive and genuinely wanted me to succeed at whatever I was doing.

 

In fact, I have far more pleasant memories of my male friends than my female friends.

[somedude81]

Why do you do this to yourself?

 

Because I like her.

 

None of this is logical.

 

I don't want to give up on this girl and I know I'm being an idiot. Right now I'm my own worst enemy.

 

I really need a substantial victory in my life. Going on a date with a girl I really like would fulfill that.

[Cristo]

SD, I remember when I was in college, the idea of dating even a 25 year old was shocking to me. Some girls might just find the concept of it too intimidating. Reminds me of freshman year of high school, all these senior guys walking around with beards. I was scared of them! Haha. When they'd try to chat with me I'd get choked up cause they seemed SO OLD to me, at the time.

 

Also, I found it odd that you mentioned that the girl you aren't attracted to doesn't wear makeup. Is makeup a requirement for you?

 

I always felt the guys weren't very adept at figuring out whether girls are or aren't wearing makeup, at least when a girl has a natural look. Some makeup looks are obvious.

 

If memory serves me, the school that you went to is the school that I've spent a lot of time at over the past 2 years. From ages 25 to 27, I had no trouble dating girls ages 18 to 22.

 

So what you say is not necessarily true at the same place.

 

As I said before, I don't think that SD's age is his main problem.

[MidwestUSA]

Really, when you were in college it was unheard of to date guys a few years older?

 

I really don't think that girls who are 21 would think that a 24 year old guy is too old for them.

 

Of course I'm not 24 but that's beside the point.

 

 

It's not beside the point, it IS the point. Is twelve a 'few' years? It's more than half the life of a 21 year old.

[somedude81]

No offense, but it doesn't sound like you've ever had a real friend. Kids in junior high school "make fun" of each other. Adult friends might rag on each other but friends lift you up and don't bring you down. "Making fun" of someone is an insecure move and a childish communication technique. Judging from your writing on here, your communication skills are well above that.

 

I'm just remember how my old high school buddies treated me when I was down about girls.

 

Then more recently, I had a friend in college who actually used me as a cover story for when he was cheating on his girlfriend.

 

At that point I decided that guy friends just aren't worth it. I can get everything I need from women.

 

It's not easy making friends when you get to your 30s, but if you have similar interests you can take initiative and invite someone to do something like go surfing or go for a bike ride or go out dancing to hit on girls. Maybe the fact that you prefer to speak to anonymous folks on an Internet forum rather than have a beer with a buddy could be a topic for your therapy session?

 

I've tried that at my school. Frankly it's easier to get girls to spend time with me one-on-one than guys. And I'm not going to chase a guy like I'd chase a girl.

 

As always, just trying to help. Good luck with that other girl on Monday. Hopefully she will help get your attention off of girl A.

 

And I definitely think you should keep going to your other class and try to play it off like you just don't care.

 

I do like the class and I don't want to stop going. But if she spends more time with that guy and ignoring me, I don't know if I can handle it. She definitely knows that I'm interested in her.

 

I wish there was something I could do.

[Lani]

 

At that point I decided that guy friends just aren't worth it. I can get everything I need from women.

 

 

..... but... ??

 

[Cristo]

I'm just remember how my old high school buddies treated me when I was down about girls.

 

Then more recently, I had a friend in college who actually used me as a cover story for when he was cheating on his girlfriend.

 

At that point I decided that guy friends just aren't worth it. I can get everything I need from women.

 

Makes no sense though. All of these girls reject you! How are you getting what you need from them?

 

I've tried that at my school. Frankly it's easier to get girls to spend time with me one-on-one than guys. And I'm not going to chase a guy like I'd chase a girl.

 

This is a major issue, man. I've never met a guy in real life that ever said this. I have met men that struggled with women, but never ones that found it easier to make female friends than male friends. You are a different breed, somedude81!

 

I do like the class and I don't want to stop going. But if she spends more time with that guy and ignoring me, I don't know if I can handle it. She definitely knows that I'm interested in her.

 

I wish there was something I could do.

 

This is a very strange statement. Didn't that shooter stop going to classes because girls rejected him too?

[somedude81]

I didn't say you didn't, I said she didn't.

 

In any event the bold boils down to a similar mentality where you both are obsessed with being with other people but ironically enough, the more you obsess the more elusive finding someone to be with is...yet you still think that if you just find a girlfriend/boyfriend that will make things good.

 

I don't expect you'll ever understand if after 28 pages and tens of threads you still don't...but maybe I'll connect you two via PM.

 

On one hand I understand that because being with women hasn't come easy it becomes this thing you're obsessed with but it's a catch-22 because you're obsessed because you've never had it easily but that same obsession only makes it more unattainable. This other poster doesn't get that either.

 

Nope I don't understand. It shouldn't be harder to get something the more you want it. Well OK it can, but only if you are trying to hard to get it.

 

I'm most definitely not hounding this girl. I've sent her two texts the entire week, one asking her when she was getting lunch, and replying to her text.

 

Though thank you for being able to understand where I'm coming from.

 

I's like a friend of mine, she's a woman, she's never dated or had sex or a boyfriend and the truth is: her personality is very off putting. She has low self esteem, is self-deprecating, she gets OBSESSED easily and attached to men she only knows casually and all she thinks about is how to get a man to like her. Sigh. She constantly thinks I'm so charming and men like me and how do I do it and so on...and I try to tell her that first off: I don't obsess over men I don't know well. I am very much casual and think you like me or don't. For her she obsesses over every interaction, even when it is clear a man doesn't like her she keeps trying to ask why or figure out how to get him to...like he is the LAST or ONLY man alive...and I don't get it. If a man doesn't like me...alright. He is free not to. He is not the only man on earth. Long story short, people who behave like this only shoot themselves in the foot, and the truth is, there is no magic formula...it's obvious that people who DON'T behave like this have better luck and why they don't behave this way seems to be deeply about who they are and how they view themselves, which isn't something you can fake.

 

While I do admit to getting obsessed easily with the right girl, I would never describe my personality as off putting. When I am around girls I'm just having fun and I like hearing them talk. Girls seem to enjoy my company but they rarely ever like me in the right way.

 

On one hand I've had boyfriends, I date, so I'm experienced and self-assured (which didn't happen overnight) that men come and go and my world doesn't rise and set around finding a boyfriend. That type of attitude helps me to not be a miserable person and also attracts men. She doesn't get it. She thinks I have some mysterious power, which I don't. My power is that I'm a well-adjusted woman who knows my worth and who isn't obsessed with any man and can flirt and be casual and take it for what it is and isn't without acitng like the world is gonna end if by the end of the convo he isn't my boyfriend. So in that sense, I've lived and learned and know what the deal is. She hasn't though so I think in her mind getting a boyfriend is this larger than life unattainable so very powerful thing for her...whereas people who date a lot or have had multiple relationships can be a lot more realistic. It seems you suffer from the same kind of issue where because you've had only one gf you are just so obsessed and give being a relationship more power than its worth.

 

Yup, I agree with her that getting a BF/GF is some sort of huge goal, a major challenge. And how could I not feel that way when I'm 33 and have only been in one six month relationship? I haven't been able to live a normal life. Then everywhere I go it's being rammed down my throat that I should be in a relationship and I've missing out on everything.

 

Every single movie out there from Godzilla to Transformers to Avengers has some sort of love story going on that I just absolutely hate seeing.

 

I'm still trying to figure out the flirting thing and I'm just not sure of myself.

 

While I didn't mention it in this thread, busy girl has pretty large breasts and she was wearing a very low cut shirt. While we were dancing her shirt was being pulled low and she was showing a ton of cleavage, I told her, "Hey you're losing your shirt." And she looked down, and said "It's not totally lost" and I just couldn't think of anything to say. I just didn't want to be creepy with her, but it probably would have been a great time to start flirting.

 

If you are that desperate then maybe you should not be that picky but on the other hand, you need to be MORE picky, but about stuff that matters, not about looks or breast size. I already told you, your criteria for dating a woman is pretty underdeveloped. You think it will make things easier because you just want cute, fun and whatever the other thing is. But actually, it doesn't. Perhaps if you actually thought about particular qualities and values you'd be able to find women more similar to you and your interests (or do you not have any besides finding a woman) where you could truly connect and develop something even if she isn't the cutest woman alive. Cute and fun and not crazy are not even real qualities, they are VERY generic, and doesn't make your dating pool specific.

 

My requirements are more involved than just cute, fun and not crazy. I just don't know how to explain them. This girl's personality and how she interacts with me is the main reason why I like her more than all other girls I know right now. Though her being very attractive to me doesn't hurt either.

[somedude81]

 

This is a very strange statement. Didn't that shooter stop going to classes because girls rejected him too?

 

Excuse me?!

[TigerLilly78]

 

 

. What I don't like is the "advice" that I need to be at a certain level before a woman would consider me. That's bullsh*t

 

Though yes, I do feel that having a girlfriend is the answer to all of my problems as long as stuff like money and shelter is taken care of.

 

Wait a min didn't you say something like that about the girl you feel is unattractive? im sorry but whats good for the goose is good for the gander no? men want to hold women up to cirtin standards come hell or high water but don't want to be told the same thing?

 

I don't even believe in the "class system" I think its a fine way to sort dates if your on the shallow side and looks are the ONLY thing you judge potential dates on but I do think its funny as heck when some men protest being judged the same way they will happily judge others on..

[sillyanswer]

Exactly. You don't even have to go that low. In SD's example, the girl he is hitting on might be a 7 and he's probably a 5. I'd rather date a 5 then get turned down by every 7 I try to hit on. SD evidently doesn't see it that way.

 

Not sure about the specific numbers, but I don't think anyone (including SD) should try to date someone they don't find attractive just to increase their chances of getting someone to say "yes".

[xxoo]

Somedude, what "type" are you? What I mean by that is, you like a "type" of woman, and most women also like a "type" of guy. The navy guy that's dating your math tutor may fit the brave, adventurous type. What type is the gut busy girl left with? What type are you?

 

This isn't about looks, but personality.