Trying to date a busy girl

[somedude81]

The best thing you can do is to move on, flirt with other girls, and to forget about trying to get this girl to like you. You'd do yourself well to get the attitude that if one girl doesn't like you, there are plenty of other girls out there for you to meet.

 

The number of girls out there to meet doesn't matter. I would still fail with all of them. I'm 33 and I have yet to meet a girl ask her out and start going on dates with her. That has never happened in my life. My ex doesn't count as I actually didn't pursue her.

 

How the hell do guys get girls to go out with them?

 

Ironically this is your best chance of getting her to come back.

 

How so?

 

There is no way that she's going to reach out to me. If I stop talking to her, that's it.

 

Feeling some frustration/disappointment in a situation such as this is normal.

 

I know it's normal, but what isn't normal is always being frustrated and disappointed. I keep losing and losing over and over.

 

I don't know how I can do anything different with her. The only thing that makes sense as to why she doesn't like me is that I'm not good looking enough or tall enough for her. BTW, she's about 5'2 so I should be tall enough for her, but maybe she's really shallow. Who knows?

 

That you become so interested in a girl so soon though is a huge problem for you.

 

We've talked regularly twice a week for almost two months. I'd hardly call that "so soon" to becoming interested in somebody.

 

This girl can probably feel it so she is pulling away. You need to do what you can to get it fixed.

 

She already knows that I'm interested in her and has been for a week or so now. Though she may be pulling away because she realized that I haven't given up. I hardly doubt that I'm the first guy who tried to pursue her since school started. Odds are most of them have quickly given up. But I haven't.

 

Physically she's everything I want. She's pretty, petite and curvy. She's also friendly, sweet, intelligent, fun to talk to and not afraid to challenge me/make fun of me.

 

She's actually very similar to my ex. Which could be a reason why I'm so into her. Hell, like my ex, she's done ballet for most of her life.

[GemmaUK]

SD...you need to grow up.

 

I had no idea you were i your thirties.

I thought you were late teens/early twenties by the way you post.

 

You need to expand your life and social network.

 

This is so important for your own well being.

 

A partner is not meant to fill the void.

They are meant to 'add to your life', not 'be your life'.

[somedude81]

SD...you need to grow up.

 

I had no idea you were i your thirties.

I thought you were late teens/early twenties by the way you post.

 

You need to expand your life and social network.

 

This is so important for your own well being.

 

A partner is not meant to fill the void.

They are meant to 'add to your life', not 'be your life'.

 

My birth year is in my name, and my profile shows my age.

 

But no, I don't post like a man in his 30's would. I post like a guy who has only had one girlfriend in his entire life and his longest relationship was six months. In terms of life and relationship experience, I might as well be in my early 20's.

 

Right now my two main goals in life are to graduate college and get a girlfriend. So I'm pretty much living like I'm 23. Until I accomplish those things, I can't move on in life and go the next development stage.

[clia]

The number of girls out there to meet doesn't matter. I would still fail with all of them. I'm 33 and I have yet to meet a girl ask her out and start going on dates with her. That has never happened in my life. My ex doesn't count as I actually didn't pursue her.

 

How the hell do guys get girls to go out with them?

 

How so?

 

Have you ever been in a scenario where you asked out a girl who was your peer? Did you ask out high school girls when you were in high school? Did you ask out 18-19 year old girls when you were 18-19? Did you ask out 20-21 year old girls when you were 20-21? Etc...

[somedude81]

Have you ever been in a scenario where you asked out a girl who was your peer? Did you ask out high school girls when you were in high school? Did you ask out 18-19 year old girls when you were 18-19? Did you ask out 20-21 year old girls when you were 20-21? Etc...

 

Of course I did.

 

I actually didn't start going after younger women until I was in my mid 20's.

 

All throughout jr. high and high school I only pursued girls who were in the same grade as me. My first two years of college I only pursued girls that were also in college.

 

Then I took a break from college and just worked for a few years. When I went back to school around 25, all the girls were obviously still college age.

 

Since it's been taking me a ridiculously long time to get through college, the girls I'm interacting with are still the same relative age, yet I'm getting older.

 

Up until my mid 20's I was very awkward with girls. Every girl I asked or expressed an interest in rejected me.

 

Eventually I figured out how to make friends with girls and just now I feel like I'm learning how to date them.

[xxoo]

I don't know how I can do anything different with her. The only thing that makes sense as to why she doesn't like me is that I'm not good looking enough or tall enough for her. BTW, she's about 5'2 so I should be tall enough for her, but maybe she's really shallow. Who knows?

 

There are ANY NUMBER of reasons she could be not interested in you (or any person, for that matter). She may like really ambitious guys, or artists, or musicians, or scientists, or (god forbid) math nerds. She may only like guys who are of her faith, or share her background. She may be really into guys of a certain race that isn't yours. Or maybe she would never dream of dating a guy more than a couple years older than herself. Or...or....or....

 

It isn't going to "make sense". You need to accept that she is an individual with her own hopes and dreams for a partner, and it might be someone unlike you. You are looking for mutual attraction and desire, but you can not will mutual attraction to happen. No one can. She, too, might like someone who doesn't like HER back.

[normal person]

 

How the hell do guys get girls to go out with them?

 

 

They have desirable qualities (more than generic things that anyone could describe themselves as like generic "nice" and generic "funny") that make women feel something good (excited, humored, aroused, secure, protected, etc). They likely aren't hoisting any red flags like still living with parents, unemployed, etc. They consider their strengths and weaknesses and pick their battles accordingly; they target age appropriate, lifestyle appropriate women.

Edited October 15, 2014 by normal person

[clia]

I don't know how I can do anything different with her. The only thing that makes sense as to why she doesn't like me is that I'm not good looking enough or tall enough for her. BTW, she's about 5'2 so I should be tall enough for her, but maybe she's really shallow. Who knows?

 

Do you sincerely think that looks and height are the only things women care about?

[somedude81]

Do you sincerely think that looks and height are the only things women care about?

 

Not at all. But they are what I'm lacking most.

 

If I was better looking and taller, or just taller, I would have had a very different relationship experience.

 

Of course I can never become better looking or taller, so worrying about them is pointless.

 

I just need to figure out how to use what I have, or I die alone.

[carhill]

Read the opening post, now two days ago.... if you had met her interview criteria, you already would have had lunch with her.... alone.

 

You'll get to a point where, when maintaining eye contact while listening to her 'reasons', you'll also be casting around the room for the next potential. That's how it works for an average man. Responding to your posting caused me to reflect upon the fact that all my relationships and marriage started with women who were immediately interested in going out with me and didn't have to be 'convinced' or 'find time in their schedule'. Is there wisdom in that? IDK.

 

Anyway, good luck!

[TigerLilly78]

The busiest person on the planet will make time to hang out with some one they like. If she won't even make the time to have lunch with you, then it doesn't look like its going to happen.

 

 

 

Especially when the only thing keeping her from doing it is " she always has lunch with her girlfriends "

 

 

Mhmm this 100% sorry but I think shes blowing you off just from the girlfriend comment... That said I have seen people who say how busy their schedule is yet imo its filled with stuff that could easily be dropped or rearranged example I have a gf who says stuff like "my schedule is so full" when half the time its filled with going to clubs and hanging out at bars and this was about making a date with a guy she actually liked..so I dunno people are weird some times...

[somedude81]

Read the opening post, now two days ago.... if you had met her interview criteria, you already would have had lunch with her.... alone.

 

You'll get to a point where, when maintaining eye contact while listening to her 'reasons', you'll also be casting around the room for the next potential. That's how it works for an average man. Responding to your posting caused me to reflect upon the fact that all my relationships and marriage started with women who were immediately interested in going out with me and didn't have to be 'convinced' or 'find time in their schedule'. Is there wisdom in that? IDK.

 

Anyway, good luck!

 

Yes carhill, the bold is how things should be. Unfortunately I'm the kind of guy that needs to convince women to go out with me; because it's just not going to happen on it's own.

 

I got lucky once in 20 years of trying to date, and the circumstances were completely against me. If I want to get another girlfriend, I'm going to have to figure out how to sell myself.

[normal person]

If I want to get another girlfriend, I'm going to have to figure out how to sell myself.

 

I think you need to work on the product rather than the pitch.

 

It's going to be pretty fruitless for you right now. Finish school, get a job, feel good about yourself, have fun, go after age appropriate women and I'm sure things will turn around for you. You seem like a nice guy and that's a good foundation. But that can't be it.

[Teknoe]

Right now my two main goals in life are to graduate college and get a girlfriend. So I'm pretty much living like I'm 23. Until I accomplish those things, I can't move on in life and go the next development stage.

 

You only have full 100% control of graduating. Unfortunately, with wanting a girlfriend, it's a mutual decision, so you can't just point at a girl, say "Her. I want her to be my girlfriend" and ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. I think focusing so much on something you can't fully control is not a very wise thing to be doing.

 

Your attitude in the quote makes me a little concerned. I believe YOU CAN go to the next "development stage" RIGHT NOW without a girlfriend. You can develop in the areas of a social life and a healthier emotional and mental/thought life.

 

Believing that you can't advance until you can get a girlfriend is some messed up thinking that's holding you back. Ironic, but true. Not trying to be mean here or anything. Just sharing the truth. You gotta break that mindset. The sooner you break it, the better.

[somedude81]

I think you need to work on the product rather than the pitch.

 

It's going to be pretty fruitless for you right now. Finish school, get a job, feel good about yourself, have fun, go after age appropriate women and I'm sure things will turn around for you. You seem like a nice guy and that's a good foundation. But that can't be it.

 

Here's the catch, those things you mentioned don't really matter.

 

This girl doesn't know if I'm working or not, what kind of apartment I have, what car I drive, how much money I have or even how old I am.

 

The vast majority of girls in college don't ask that information first from a guy before they go on a date with him. So there isn't any point in being an amazing product if the girl has no idea, and simply doesn't even care.

 

The only things that matter are, is she physically attracted to him, and, does she have fun with him?

[xxoo]

Here's the catch, those things you mentioned don't really matter.

 

This girl doesn't know if I'm working or not, what kind of apartment I have, what car I drive, how much money I have or even how old I am.

 

The vast majority of girls in college don't ask that information first from a guy before they go on a date with him. So there isn't any point in being an amazing product if the girl has no idea, and simply doesn't even care.

 

The only things that matter are, is she physically attracted to him, and, does she have fun with him?

 

If you are physically attractive, then maybe none of that matters.

 

But for the rest of the population, that stuff matters. A lot. It's the difference between being attractive and being overlooked.

[somedude81]

If you are physically attractive, then maybe none of that matters.

 

But for the rest of the population, that stuff matters. A lot. It's the difference between being attractive and being overlooked.

 

So are you saying if that I had a good job right now, but was going to school to get my masters, this girl would be interested in me?

[normal person]

Here's the catch, those things you mentioned don't really matter.

 

This girl doesn't know if I'm working or not, what kind of apartment I have, what car I drive, how much money I have or even how old I am.

 

The vast majority of girls in college don't ask that information first from a guy before they go on a date with him. So there isn't any point in being an amazing product if the girl has no idea, and simply doesn't even care.

 

The only things that matter are, is she physically attracted to him, and, does she have fun with him?

 

I didn't talk about anything materialistic. In this context, you need a job because you need a purpose in life other than "find a girlfriend."

 

Maybe they don't assume you have a job because you're literally in college, a precursor to getting a job. Maybe they're a little hesitant to go out with you because you're also 15 years older than them and still in college. These things are probably what makes them think it's not such a great product (yet).

 

There's a bit of truth to what you're saying. Your looks and your visible personality will get you a foot in the door. People will judge a book by it's cover. However, assuming they like the cover -- will they then enjoy reading the book at all? You've got to have something interesting on those pages.

 

So are you saying if that I had a good job right now, but was going to school to get my masters, this girl would be interested in me?

 

It wouldn't guarantee that she'd like you more by any means. But it would certainly make you look a lot better.

Edited October 16, 2014 by normal person

[xxoo]

So are you saying if that I had a good job right now, but was going to school to get my masters, this girl would be interested in me?

 

This one particular girl, I have no idea. Again, she's an individual and I have no idea what her desires are.

 

But generally, more women would be interested. It would be a genuinely attractive quality.

[Teknoe]

Here's the catch, those things you mentioned don't really matter.

 

They actually matter a LOT. Most important of all, they (should) matter to YOU. I will break down why it matters below.

 

 

This girl doesn't know if I'm working or not, what kind of apartment I have, what car I drive, how much money I have or even how old I am.

 

Well, it seems pretty clear that she doesn't find you attractive. However, what if she were? The better product you have, the better the chances of her falling for you and more importantly, STICKING AROUND past the 3 month honeymoon stage.

 

And anyway, you should be striving to be the best you that you can be. Regardless of the outcome with the opposite sex. Prepare yourself for success so that when the day comes that you have your 2nd GF, you will have built a solid foundation.

 

I find it peculiar that you talk about how "she doesn't know that I don't have any friends or how old I am"... it seems like you know having no friends is a worse thing than having friends. So I'm not sure why you wouldn't make the effort to better yourself in that area and make you a more well-rounded guy who would increase his ability to attract a lady.

 

Age you can't control, so that one is what it is.

[somedude81]

I didn't talk about anything materialistic. In this context, you need a job because you need a purpose in life other than "find a girlfriend."

 

Maybe they don't assume you have a job because you're literally in college, a precursor to getting a job. Maybe they're a little hesitant to go out with you because you're also 15 years older than them and still in college. These things are probably what makes them think it's not such a great product (yet).

 

There's a bit of truth to what you're saying. Your looks and your visible personality will get you a foot in the door. People will judge a book by it's cover. However, assuming they like the cover -- will they then enjoy reading the book at all? You've got to have something interesting on those pages.

I'm not pursuing 18 year old girls.

 

In college some people work, some don't. It's not really important.

 

Girls really don't know how old I am. Nobody thinks I'm older than 25. Just believe me on that.

 

So my not having a job isn't relevant, neither is my age, (at this stage. Once I start going on dates it could matter when I have to disclose)

 

As for what's between the pages, those things don't start coming out until actual dating.

 

Like I said before, this girl doesn't really know that much about me, beyond my looks and personality. And that's what she is using to base if she is interested in me or not.

[somedude81]

They actually matter a LOT. Most important of all, they (should) matter to YOU. I will break down why it matters below.

 

 

 

 

Well, it seems pretty clear that she doesn't find you attractive. However, what if she were? The better product you have, the better the chances of her falling for you and more importantly, STICKING AROUND past the 3 month honeymoon stage.[

 

Honestly I'm not even thinking about what happens past the 3 month stage with her.

 

I'm just trying to get a date.

 

Whether she sticks around or not is a bridge I'll cross when I get to it.

[Teknoe]

As for what's between the pages, those things don't start coming out until actual dating.

 

And if actual dating happens, what would the girl see in those pages?

 

What would draw her in and keep her interested in you?

 

These are questions you have to ask yourself.

[SJC2008]

SD I can relate to you better than most since we're practically mirror images of eachother, down to the eobs it took us to finish school. That being said, my pride would of kicked in a long time ago and I'd of dropped her like a bad habit and kept it to small talk in class and not texed her unless she texted me.

[xxoo]

 

Like I said before, this girl doesn't really know that much about me, beyond my looks and personality. And that's what she is using to base if she is interested in me or not.

 

If you had a great job, interesting hobbies, cool friends, etc, presumably she would know about that by now. People work the as these things into conversation, both because they are their interests/life, and also because they influence attraction.