Feeling like an outsider in my own relationship

[heartonfire10]

I'm not sure if anyone out there can relate. But I'm feeling pretty lonely. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years. He's been living with me for almost a year and a half at this point.

 

We are living in a city where we don't know anyone and we are both are reserved and shy people at first. I'm someone who isolates myself alot and it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with someone but once I am, I'm a different person, meaning I'm more social.

 

My little circle of friends are living in various states from where I went to school and lived before, and same with him.

 

Well, his only ex ( of 7 years, no kids)and her boyfriend are two of his closest friends and it's causing issues and has been. It's maddening for me as his gf now to realize that basically everyone he knows also knows her!! And they have been broken up for 6 years!! But then a year later he went to go live with them and some other people in a house/paid rent as a tenant. So all those roommates that he got to know or whatever also know her and they have all gone on trips together and whatever. So he was looking at old pics of everyone on his fb page, and I just got super jealous and annoyed because seriously everyone in every pic also knows her. I feel like a complete outsider and what's the point in a way of getting to know any of these people when they can compare how he was when they were dating, or even more recent. I feel like it's just not fair. Not all my friends know each other and I think it's easier that way for a new person to come in when they aren't going to have the "other woman" as constant reference. I'm sick of seeing her post all the time on his wall and all their pics together and her comments...honestly kinda looks like they are dating... (And no I'm not on his fb, but he does have "in a relationship" and that's another story). Who wants to set themselves up when everything is going to be "well that one time her and you went here, you were so happy" or whatever.

 

Furthermore...a couple of weeks back he talked to one of my closest friends on the phone (he's never met her) and one of his closest friends after on the phone. In both cases, he told both of them that a major issue between us was him being friends with his ex. When he was talking to his guy friend (who knows her cause he lived where they lived and they hung out all together) he said what a great girl I am and how I do alot for him and that I feel like an outsider because I don't know his group of friends and that I'm uncomfortable with him being friends with her. And this guy apparently said how he could see how it would be a problem and then my bf said well we were more friends than had a romantic thing, even when we were in a relationship...blah blah. So bottom line he tells 2 separate people the same thing, but nothing changes?? I know at the end of the day, he says he chooses me cause he is with me, but that's because there's no option to be with her again (my opinion). I don't know if anyone out there is in same boat as me but it's really hard to have no social base for just us, and legit everyone he knows has a connection back to her....

I feel very inferior and I don't want to know her or ever meet her or her boyfriend. That may be silly to people but I'm too jealous and I feel insecure about all this.

[Dork Vader]

I did not read your entire post but here is what is going on...

 

You feel second to this group of people. It's fairly reasonable to feel second to them.

 

I suggest you sit down and write out what it is he does that makes you feel second to these people. You then need to go through the list and ask yourself if you are being rational and if there is any validity to it. If so put those on another list.

 

Sit down with your rational and valid list and have a conversation with him. Tell him you feel distance, tell him you feel second to these people because.. Then try to find some compromise with him.

 

Don't accuse just say "It seems like.... and this makes me feel..." That is the absolute least confrontational way you can deal with this. Ask if there is anything you can do to close this distance you are feeling, and make suggestions on things he can do to close the distance between the two of you.

[heartonfire10]

Well I'm the type who can get pretty passionate and fiery, and I have expressed my fears and concerns to him many times over the course of our relationship. Like I said, a couple weeks ago he had the self awareness to tell my friend and his friend that it was causing issues, but nothing has changed. And yes, I do feel second but my concerns haven't been squashed.

[Elle1975]

I feel like you should get out of your shell. Don't expect other people to always make the first step to get to know you.

 

To say that you are shy and therefore isolate yourself still is no excuse. I am shy. I decided a couple years ago that enough was enough and now I have a network of girlfriends I hand out with.

 

That's where I'd start. If after making the proper efforts the situation still hasn't improved, take it from there then. I say proper because I'm sure you probably tried to get to know them, persevere. Invite people over if distance allows, join a gym, reach out.

 

I'd also like to point out that seeing a therapist could help you with this feeling of being inferior, second, not "good enough", etc.. That's a feeling that you shouldn't be carrying around, and I know how it feels.

[lolablue17]

When i was young i was exactly like you. Well, much worse than you.

 

When I met her (my wife today) she had a few ex's that were her closest friends. That means she had sex with them and even an R, but they are more friends than anything else (romantic or sex). She also had some other ex's that was in her circles of friends so she\we met them here and there in many occasions.

 

Another thing i'll mention is that although i had almost no friends at all, i have never felt inferior near any of them. Also i trusted her 100%.

 

But still, i was very jealous and felt uncomfortable every time she met one of those guys, and also just like you i never wanted to hangout with them or to get to know them.

 

What happened was that I did "the wrong thing". I made many jealous scenes, and although i never told her even once in words that i dont like her to meet them, it was so obviously that every time she was hanging out or met one of her ex's, I wouldn't talk to her for 2-3 days. (i remind you - they were her 2 closest friends and part of a larger group that was her real friends and support, they were almost like a family or a comuna)

 

Eventually i succeeded with my behaviour and in 6-12 month after we first met, bit by bit, she cut all her connections and ties with every one of them.

 

She did it not because i told her so, and of course i never made any ultimatum. She did it because of her own will and initiation. She says she made a choice because she loved me and she chose a good happy life, instead of having a stressful unstable toxic R with fights on daily bases.

 

But!!! Until today (it happened many years ago) she blames me for cutting her from her friends and community. She knows she can't really blame me but this knowledge doesn't stop her...

 

I admit i put a pressure on her that time, but I was just acting spontaneously and followed my instincts, I didn't have a plot or a plan to cut her from her friends.

 

Back to you...

 

If you could be more open and meet all of his friend (ex's too), it would be the best thing and you will gain a lot!! if you can work on yourself (maybe with a therapist), it will make you very happy.

 

But if you can't (like i couldn't), admit it. And if you're determined that you just can't take it anymore, you can just end it. be honest with yourself. I don't recommend you to behave like i did because i believe it's too late to start doing it today. it will seem like an ultimatum. ultimatums never work in a relationship.

Edited October 14, 2014 by lolablue17