Crush asks me to go get coffee with her on break

[eye of the storm]

You mention something earlier about her being nice to me and stuff. That's one thing I don't need. I don't need my crush to be nice to me like she is giving me attention out of pity. If that's all that this coffee thing is about then I did the right thing to decline. I don't accept pity dates or pity hang outs or pity sex.

 

Who said pity? You are building bridges where there is no creek. She may be nice to you because she likes you. She may just be a friendly person. There is NO way to tell unless you get to know her.

 

Here is the thing. If you want to have a relationship in your head and have it go nowhere...keep doing what you are doing. If you want the chance of an actual relationship with her (or anyone else) you need to get out of your head and get out there. Coffee is an easy short term way to start.

 

Look, you sound quirky. Some chicks dig quirky. Let your unique flag fly. Embrace what makes you you. Here is the thing though, unless you let her in (and that involves putting yourself out there with NO guarantees that she "likes" you) you are going to continue being alone. Don't do that to yourself.

 

And here is something you haven't considered. She may only like you as a friend now...but if you two spend some time together, that could change. She could start to see you in a whole different way. Or may not. Nothing in life is a sure thing. But at least you have a chance this way. You will never win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

[TigerLilly78]

You mention something earlier about her being nice to me and stuff. That's one thing I don't need. I don't need my crush to be nice to me like she is giving me attention out of pity. If that's all that this coffee thing is about then I did the right thing to decline. I don't accept pity dates or pity hang outs or pity sex.

 

I think you have some deep rooted self easteam issues maybe thats why you would rather drag things out to this degree? in your mind shes some how passing your tests with the cake thing? cause most people would not drag out dating to that degree unless they were afraid of something..

[Gloria25]

Who said pity? You are building bridges where there is no creek. She may be nice to you because she likes you. She may just be a friendly person. There is NO way to tell unless you get to know her.

 

Here is the thing. If you want to have a relationship in your head and have it go nowhere...keep doing what you are doing. If you want the chance of an actual relationship with her (or anyone else) you need to get out of your head and get out there. Coffee is an easy short term way to start.

 

Look, you sound quirky. Some chicks dig quirky. Let your unique flag fly. Embrace what makes you you. Here is the thing though, unless you let her in (and that involves putting yourself out there with NO guarantees that she "likes" you) you are going to continue being alone. Don't do that to yourself.

 

And here is something you haven't considered. She may only like you as a friend now...but if you two spend some time together, that could change. She could start to see you in a whole different way. Or may not. Nothing in life is a sure thing. But at least you have a chance this way. You will never win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.

 

BTW, if it helps to relax you...my crush, when waaaaay long time ago he asked me 'why I always look so mad' or whatever, not only did I not give it any thought cuz I was stressed out with stuff, I found him attractive, but thought to myself "Why would this guy be attracted to me?" But, I mustered up the courage to speak to him away afterward...I still have my insecurities as to whether or not he actually is attracted to me, shoot, I even wonder(ed) if he is/was gas-lighting me cuz he might say 'look at this dumb chick, I'm gonna have fun pretending I like her', but you gotta take that leap (i.e. having coffee with your crush) to see what's there.

[sid3]

Don't you feel that's completely circuitous!

 

New word, I'll have to google that. After having read this thread, I'm starting to wonder just what kind of cake, roofy flavored is the first thing that comes to mind.

[sid3]

Googled it, an excellent choice.

[melodymatters]

As the older woman in my relationship ( Actually this is my 2nd older woman/younger man R) I was NOT going to make the first move as many men that much younger aren't interested in anything serious with an older woman and I don't do ONS.

 

BOTH my younger partners pursued me like CRAZY, and it was a slow process of letting down my guard enough to trust them. I am on another forum devoted to age gap R's and in nearly EVERY case the younger guy HAS to be the one doing the pursuing if it is ever to work, if she is ever going to trust you and take you seriously.

 

She might be into you, she might not be, but if you want to find out you have to take the ball into your court, and do the courting !

[Darren2013]

The one thing I worry about is that I get the feeling I will be seduced into having sex with her if she ever is open to it and interested. I know that a meeting for coffee does not mean anything is going to happen but we do know that some sexual encounters do start out with something innocent such as meeting for coffee or drinks and talking before it gets to that point.

 

Most will tell me I can't be sure how she feels until I actually ask her out and spend time with her on dates and stuff. You are exactly right. You are so right that one of the things I worry about is being seduced into sex. It becomes a double edge sword. If she is not into me like that then in some ways it is a blessing in disguise because that means there's no open door for me to be seduced into sex.

 

If she is into me then I don't want to even open that door a crack. When a woman gives a green light to me that she wants sex it is very difficult for me to resist and say no and I don't want to be put in situations where I can be seduced. An innocent coffee meet for chat may or may not lead to anything else but as long as there's a possibility of that happening then why would I even open that door?

 

If she leaves me alone from now on then it could be a blessing in disguise. She caught me off guard with the coffee invite and the invite to get in her car and stuff. No no no. I'm not accepting anything from her that could open a door to another thing. It is much safer to keep her as a look but don't touch kind of crush. Darren she is off limits. It is okay to look at her from a distance but do not touch!

Edited November 3, 2014 by Darren2013

[Toodaloo]

Oh Darren I do dispair...

 

You really like this girl. You have been crushing on her for months. Your brain is all in the right place with regards to you needing to get to know her and then the crunch comes and each and every time you go from being a sweet lovely guy who is adorable into a "I am thinking thirty years down the line and I cant cope panic" guy...

 

Relax. Just let each day come and give it a go.

 

You don't have to sleep with her. You do have self control. Its not as if you are going to be ripping her clothes off in Costa's is it?

 

Any man or woman will tell you that when they feel sexual chemistry it is really hard to say no but you can. You can take your time. It is OK.

 

Have a good week.

[Darren2013]

All the more reason to keep a distance from someone you feel sexual chemistry with but you don't want to be seduced.

[eye of the storm]

Darren, I have ask. What is your end goal?

 

You talk about doing things to figure out if she really likes you, now you are talking about never having sex because you don't want to lose control.

 

Do you want advice on how to develop a relationship with your crush or do you just want a venue to talk about your feelings?

 

There are some people who (for whatever reason) never want to be in a relationship where sex is involved. Some want long term relationships. And some just want casual relationships. All are ok and natural.

 

It is ok to want any of those types. But, not knowing what your goal is maybe we are all giving you useless advice.

[Gloria25]

He probably has a point....

 

Cuz, in my situation, even though I'd invite him for coffee in a public place - at some point I'd make a play to touch him (i.e. scooting up next to him - well only if we sit on benches, or running my boots up/down his leg, or walking with him to his car (if we go in separate vehicles) and when he tries to get into his car and has his back turned - I'd like hug him from behind and/or cop a feel).

 

So yeah, my invitation to coffee isn't as innocent as I am portraying it to be...I know, that's sneaky and mean.

 

But, then again, I would really have to temper my desire to seduce cuz if I make a play on an instance that was supposed to be in public and w/o any pressure - he may be frightened to be near me again cuz he would be scared that I'm gonna try something again.

[spiderowl]

People get to know each other and get more attached or not, depending how they get on when they are spending time together. If you never spend time with this girl, as a friend or otherwise, she is unlikely to start to feel attachment for you. What is the worst that could happen if you spend time together? You are avoiding this woman to the point where you will miss out on her if she is interested. What is your deepest fear about this. Consider and then decide if you would survive it. What if you spend time together and then she shows no more interest? Then at least you know, it's not worth pursuing her in your mind either and maybe you could consider someone else.

 

Wasn't it Freud who said somewhere that people make things taboo that they are most tempted to do. The more tempted they are, the stronger the taboo has to be to protect society. It's almost as if you are making it a taboo to be near her because you are so tempted by her. I doubt you are going to give in to any impulses so you might as well relax and enjoy her company for what it is.

[Gloria25]

Why don't you drive in your own car instead of going in her car?

 

I mean, it "is" a public place she's going be having coffee with you at. I'm sure she - especially with her being like 50 - isn't gonna be feeling you up and making you uncomfortable in a public setting.

 

And, if you're afraid that you're gonna do something due to impulse, why not rub one out before you go and have that coffee with her? I mean, I never saw that "There's Something About Mary" movie, but I heard of the whole - masturbating before a date thing.

 

You know, also since she already offered - why don't you counter offer with a day/time that's convenient for you? I mean, that way you'll catch her by surprise and you'll have the upper hand cuz you can "prepare" for the encounter (i.e. driving your own car, rubbing one out).

[Darren2013]

Well I know myself well enough to have self control not to initiate touching. I always wait for the woman to touch me first.

[avintagegirl]

Well like I said earlier this caught me off guard so saying no was all I could think of at the time. If a woman is going to give me signals I can't be caught off guard.

 

Oh honey. Being caught off guard is LIFE. It is just how it is. I think you should totally go to her the next time you have a break with her and ask her for a coffee. Coffee with a co-worker does not equal seduction - at least not for a long time. I think going with her would be a good experience for you.

 

I said awhile back that I will be leaving the company in about a year. Well now due to new personal developments that has been moved up. I am leaving in 6 months. I am going to give a 2 months notice before quitting.

 

In the meantime I really have 2 opportunities now to send out signals to my crush. Halloween and Christmas. Halloween I get to draw attention from her by dressing up and putting 10 clothes pins all over my face and neck. Then baking a cake for Christmas.

 

I checked and confirmed that with our company dressing up for Halloween is permitted.

 

Ok this whole baking a cake for Christmas idea - that is more than a month away. You shouldnt wait that long. I get it you are happy to wait, so am I, but this girl has put it out there to be friends, and you should take her up on that.

 

I think I have sent enough signals of interest such as the efforts I go to everyday to improve my physical appearance and making sure I shave religiously. She should be able to tell that I am nervous around her. That's another sign that I am interested.

 

Hate to say this - but if a man I worked with starting improving his appearance would in no way signal to me that he was interested. I would just think he bought a new razor. As far as being nervous around her - well you could be nervous around everyone for all she knows.

 

Here's what I am hoping will happen. She eats most of the cake and compliments me on how great it was. Then I will tell her "Since you liked it so much I'll be more than happy to bake another cake just for you to take home and eat".

 

That's another indirect signal on my end and it is my way of slowly leading up to asking her out. This way the cake deal is not coming on too heavy once she mentions how delicious it is then I have a valid excuse to bake a 2nd one exclusively for her.

 

You could do that anyway. In fact on said coffee date you could mention that you want to bake a cake for the party and if she seems like she would like that you could offer to bake her one sometime.

 

You mention something earlier about her being nice to me and stuff. That's one thing I don't need. I don't need my crush to be nice to me like she is giving me attention out of pity. If that's all that this coffee thing is about then I did the right thing to decline. I don't accept pity dates or pity hang outs or pity sex.

 

Being nice does not equal pity.

[Darren2013]

Well here's an update that has hopefully put closure on this thing once and for all. I don't know. But where to begin.

 

Yeah it was at the end of the work shift and we were the last 2 people to close and lock up for the night. But before I get to what happened there let me back up to the shift.

 

It seems like some coworkers have caught on intuitively that there's an unspoken connection going on between her and I. So I got the feeling that our supervisor purposely set it up for us to work together for the entire shift which we did.

 

So anyway at the end of work my crush asks if she can talk to me. So I said sure. Then she mentions about how I have been in her thoughts alot lately and that she has noticed how distant I have been the last few months. She asked if everything was okay. I said I've just had alot on my mind but I am doing well.

 

Then she goes on to mention how she enjoys working with me and how we make the best team and asked if I would like to go to Buffalo Wild Wings with her for dinner just to talk some more. She said that something in her has been kind of nudging her to talk to me on a more personal level.

 

So I said I don't think that's a good idea as I don't believe in doing anything with coworkers outside of the workplace. I also told her that I don't think we should talk about anything else outside of work related subjects. I come here for one reason and that is to do my job and earn a good report with this company so that by the time I leave they will have good things to say to my new employer when I transfer.

 

I told her that I don't know what unseen force is nudging her or whatever but that if I was her I would do everything in my power to ignore it, disregard it and just tune it out.

 

So after I said that she just storms off and she is like okay whatever and gets in her car and takes off.

 

Well it doesn't look like she is going to talk to me ever again and I prefer it that way. We'll see how awkward it really gets at work tomorrow. Anyway I feel good and did the right thing to not go to Buffalo Wild Wings with her tonight. She remembers that I go there every Thursday for discount wings. Well not anymore. I don't care if I have to drive to the other Buffalo Wild Wings 30 miles downtown.

 

So that's where things stand now.

[Gloria25]

Thank you,

 

You got her to bugg off and leave you alone...I'm also hoping she never gives you the time of day again...

 

I'm sure she deserves someone who will appreciate her better than you would.

 

You fulfilled your "self-fulfilling prophecy" of it not working out. I'm sure you're proud...Great job!!!

[almond]

See a therapist, Darren.

 

All the best.

[Kav]

Great move

I got the prettiest girl in Sacramento because she asked for my phone # and I misunderstood her and said no.

She was hooked by my lack of interest!!!

[Darren2013]

Well something had to be done as it was about to get out of hand. I didn't like that I was doing things under the influence at times of some 6th sense or whatever. I really don't give a damn at this point if the prods and nudges are from God or whatever. I'm doing both of us a favor and putting a stop to it.

 

Yeah I hope she doesn't give me a time of day either so I don't have to worry about being seduced anymore.

[Gloria25]

Well something had to be done as it was about to get out of hand. I didn't like that I was doing things under the influence at times of some 6th sense or whatever. I really don't give a damn at this point if the prods and nudges are from God or whatever. I'm doing both of us a favor and putting a stop to it.

 

Yeah I hope she doesn't give me a time of day either so I don't have to worry about being seduced anymore.

 

No, you're doing "her" a favor. BTW, please stop. Please.

 

Also, don't hope for "squat", if she makes any more attempts to engage you beyond a workplace level, then she needs help.

[Darren2013]

She may already need help just for being interested in going to dinner with a man young enough to be her son. A critical thinking person should be asking why would she do that especially at 9pm at night when it is not even the weekend.

[Darren2013]

Everything I'm saying is the truth. If I am lying then there's no way the advice is going to benefit me.

 

And yes I do have an interest in older women but I can't honestly believe they would be interested in me unless they had issues of their own like mental health issues or OCD or bipolar depression or have some kind of agenda or just desperate or feeling sorry for me and trying to do me a favor. I don't want any sexual favors. We had this discussion before.

Edited November 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gloria25]

Everything I'm saying is the truth. If I am lying then there's no way the advice is going to benefit me.

 

And yes I do have an interest in older women but I can't honestly believe they would be interested in me unless they had issues of their own like mental health issues or OCD or bipolar depression or have some kind of agenda or just desperate or feeling sorry for me and trying to do me a favor. I don't want any sexual favors. We had this discussion before.

 

You have not taken any advice given here...Why do you keep on posting and asking the same stuff over and over?

 

So, a woman - that you are attracted to and/or seems to meet what you're interested in and who takes interest in you is too good to be true...So, she must be bipolar, depressed, has an agenda etc. and feels sorry for you. Fine. This is a free country. You can believe what you want.

 

Ok, well, again, since you don't believe you deserve the likes of her or any woman of caliber, then let her go. Move on. Stop staring at her. Stop thinking about her. Stop posting about her. Continue dating or being attracted to someone on your "level". Again, there are escorts and Craigslist.

Edited November 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[eye of the storm]

Darren, what you know about this woman wouldn't fill a thimble.

 

Some women like younger men, some women like tall men, some women like small men. Doesn't mean they are mentally ill, just their preference.

 

That being said. If she noticed a change in your behavior, and she was worried about you she might have wanted to talk to you outside of work so see if you are ok. Not because she is interested in you sexually. Because she is worried about you. She may have also wanted to clear the air and tell you she is not interested in you. You don't know because you will not talk to her. You just stare at her like a crazed stalker.

 

I often use going out for coffee, lunch, or dinner as a way of getting someone out of the office so we can talk about things. It is more relaxing and they are more likely to open up so I can help them.

 

Again, you have no idea because you treat her like some pagan god that you both worship and are terrified of. She isn't a person to you. She is a thing you constantly run scenarios about in your head that probably has nothing to do with reality.

 

I would lay money when she asked you to wild wings your were overly brutal to her. She may have been trying to mentor you and you probably treated her like a predator.

 

Sweety, you need to go to see a licensed therapist and work out how to have a healthy relationship. I'm not even talking sexual. Just a healthy relationship.