Author Darren2013 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Share Posted November 7, 2014 Darren, what you know about this woman wouldn't fill a thimble. Some women like younger men, some women like tall men, some women like small men. Doesn't mean they are mentally ill, just their preference. That being said. If she noticed a change in your behavior, and she was worried about you she might have wanted to talk to you outside of work so see if you are ok. Not because she is interested in you sexually. Because she is worried about you. She may have also wanted to clear the air and tell you she is not interested in you. You don't know because you will not talk to her. You just stare at her like a crazed stalker. I often use going out for coffee, lunch, or dinner as a way of getting someone out of the office so we can talk about things. It is more relaxing and they are more likely to open up so I can help them. Again, you have no idea because you treat her like some pagan god that you both worship and are terrified of. She isn't a person to you. She is a thing you constantly run scenarios about in your head that probably has nothing to do with reality. I would lay money when she asked you to wild wings your were overly brutal to her. She may have been trying to mentor you and you probably treated her like a predator. Sweety, you need to go to see a licensed therapist and work out how to have a healthy relationship. I'm not even talking sexual. Just a healthy relationship. I don't need a dinner meeting just to be told she aint interested. That's a waste of time and money. So if that was the purpose of it then it doesn't really matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Share Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) You have not taken any advice given here...Why do you keep on posting and asking the same stuff over and over? So, a woman - that you are attracted to and/or seems to meet what you're interested in and who takes interest in you is too good to be true...So, she must be bipolar, depressed, has an agenda etc. and feels sorry for you. Fine. This is a free country. You can believe what you want. Ok, well, again, since you don't believe you deserve the likes of her or any woman of caliber, then let her go. Move on. Stop staring at her. Stop thinking about her. Stop posting about her. Continue dating or being attracted to someone on your "level". Again, there are escorts and Craigslist. Again its okay to look but don't touch when it comes to having a crush. Attraction is not a choice. I can't help who I am attracted to. The advice being offered is too direct and too oversimplifying of the problem such as being told I have the power to end a relationship anytime I want. That entirely misses the point. The only impression I get is that you and everybody else thinks it is wrong of me to have a crush on someone as if I am doing something illegal. Edited November 7, 2014 by Darren2013 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I don't need a dinner meeting just to be told she aint interested. That's a waste of time and money. So if that was the purpose of it then it doesn't really matter. You keep missing the point. You have no clue why she wanted to spend time with you. You make up complicated plots in your head. The advice being offered is too direct and too oversimplifying of the problem such as being told I have the power to end a relationship anytime I want. That entirely misses the point. The advice you are being given is not oversimplifying, it is real world knowledge. You are making things more complicated than they need to be by constantly putting motives to her behavior. You don't know if she was just trying to be friends or something more. Here is advice I got years and years ago. (It was about my daughter, someone I hated loved her. I wanted to cut her out of my daughters life.) I was told the more people that love you the better. By "love" that could be familial, friend, or sexual. She has repeated stuck her hand out to you. Maybe for only friendship, maybe for more. But she clearly stuck her hand out to you. Because it didn't fit into your rigid plan you punished her by lashing out when she asked you out. (for what could have been just a friendly dinner) Other people are human, they have their own motives, their own time tables and their own reactions to situations. You will never be with someone that constantly reacts the way you want or expect. It is called "give and take" and requires communication to find out why they are doing what they are doing. Assuming will always cause problems. When someone does something, ask why! The answer may surprise you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Share Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) You keep missing the point. You have no clue why she wanted to spend time with you. You make up complicated plots in your head. The advice you are being given is not oversimplifying, it is real world knowledge. You are making things more complicated than they need to be by constantly putting motives to her behavior. You don't know if she was just trying to be friends or something more. Here is advice I got years and years ago. (It was about my daughter, someone I hated loved her. I wanted to cut her out of my daughters life.) I was told the more people that love you the better. By "love" that could be familial, friend, or sexual. She has repeated stuck her hand out to you. Maybe for only friendship, maybe for more. But she clearly stuck her hand out to you. Because it didn't fit into your rigid plan you punished her by lashing out when she asked you out. (for what could have been just a friendly dinner) Other people are human, they have their own motives, their own time tables and their own reactions to situations. You will never be with someone that constantly reacts the way you want or expect. It is called "give and take" and requires communication to find out why they are doing what they are doing. Assuming will always cause problems. When someone does something, ask why! The answer may surprise you. Since I view her as more than a friend then again declining dinner invitation that was only given as a friendly motive was the right thing. I don't need to go to dinner just to learn news that the feelings are not reciprocated. And the changes in my behavior should not concern her since it is not like I am about to chase her anyway. This goes back to not accepting a gift from someone that only sees me as a friend and nothing more. By the way there was no punishment here. There you go assuming that my motives were punitive. Accusing me of doing the same thing you are doing. You didn't even ask me what my real motives were. Maybe my real motives were that I never have hung out with coworkers outside of work whether dating or even as friends. I have always had a self imposed policy of I don't go to work to make friends. I go there to do a job. However feelings get involved unexpectedly when working closely with someone and that's what makes this thing so frustrating is when feelings come and conflict with policy. Then I am at a loss of what to do. Edited November 7, 2014 by Darren2013 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 (edited) Again its okay to look but don't touch when it comes to having a crush. Attraction is not a choice. I can't help who I am attracted to. The advice being offered is too direct and too oversimplifying of the problem such as being told I have the power to end a relationship anytime I want. That entirely misses the point. The only impression I get is that you and everybody else thinks it is wrong of me to have a crush on someone as if I am doing something illegal. No one is saying you are wrong...but you have posted here about it, and no one is sure what you want here. Do you just want to admire this person and it never develop into anything? Do you think it's fair that you send her signals (i.e. the staring, baking cakes) that she picks up on and when she tries to reciprocate, instead of just telling her that you are attracted, but not in a place to date her - you ignore her, turn away, and/or come up with the ten reasons why you won't even have a coffee wit her? Why don't you just level with her....like yesterday, when you turned her down for the wings. You said "you don't do anything outside of work with co-workers". Now, put yourself in her shoes. You're telling her this after she's caught you staring at her and what not. If someone did that to me, I'd think they're playing games with me. I'd have no choice but to ignore them from that point on and probably even not like them even as a co-worker. Cuz who wants to work with someone who's gas lighting them? Ok, you say this is more complicated than we know. Ok, well we can only respond to what you post here. So, the responses you get about your situation are based on what you post...so, if the responses don't make sense to you, well, I don't know what more we can do to help. I was listening to "Jerry's Final Thoughts" as I was cleaning today, and he said something like crushes vs. relationships. And, he pretty much seemed to describe you. You are sitting here "crushing" - coming up with all these expectations in your head and when/if you finally get your crush to turn into something - remember that crushes are based on a lot of unrealized expectations - which often do not reflect reality. If you don't take time to get to know your crush - especially when you have the benefit of doing it w/o the pressures of dating (i.e. that co-workers doing coffee option she gave you the other day) - all you're gonna do is continue to sit around and day-dream all day and set up expectations (positive and/or negative) that probably have no basis in reality. I mean, you might sit down and have that coffee and when she opens her mouth, you might realize that she's an idiot. And there you go, you can let go of your obsession about how she might steal your heart and/or has some agenda. But, this is a free country. You can do what you like. You can sit and watch your crush from afar. I just ask that if she tries again to connect with you (which at this point, I guarantee she won't), before you respond, consider her feelings. No, you don't owe her anything, but what you put out in the universe comes back to you. Edited November 7, 2014 by Gloria25 Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I'm honestly confused by this whole thing. So your crush seems to be wanting to hang out with you outside of work & you keep turning her down? I just don't understand.... Most guys would be thrilled by that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I'm honestly confused by this whole thing. So your crush seems to be wanting to hang out with you outside of work & you keep turning her down? I just don't understand.... Most guys would be thrilled by that. Not him, he believes she is bipolar, depressive, insane, or is treating him like a charity case. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Not him, he believes she is bipolar, depressive, insane, or is treating him like a charity case. But why? I'm seriously just completely confused. Maybe he's too shy to be around her outside of work? I can't think of the reason. Any guy who's crush is willing to spend 1 on 1 time with him would love that. Even if it turns out she only views him as a friend, which seems unlikely since it seems she really likes him, at least he'd know for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 But why? I'm seriously just completely confused. Maybe he's too shy to be around her outside of work? I can't think of the reason. Any guy who's crush is willing to spend 1 on 1 time with him would love that. Even if it turns out she only views him as a friend, which seems unlikely since it seems she really likes him, at least he'd know for sure. It's as if he's delighted to adore her from afar, when she can be an idol on a pedestal, but he has such a negative view of himself that as soon as she shows interest in him, he assumes it must be out of pity, or that she must have "issues", and thus discounts her. It allows him to have his crushes and idols, but protects him from actually navigating real, meaningful interaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sid3 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Doesn't sound like she's going to be having some of that cake this holiday season. Guessing that chopping firewood in the cold for her isn't going to be happening. I think you should man up and just tell her straight up to her face to stop seducing you. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Wow. You turn her down when she invites you and you expect her to make obvious moves in the future. If you had the guts to ask to her to get coffee and she denied you, I am pretty sure you would see it as a sign of disinterest. Also, stop looking to make a move two months down the line. This isn't a game that requires strategic planning. Act now. Right? This is dating like military strategy. No need to plan everything. You may end up killing the fun and spontaneity. Please just go ahead and tell her you have a crush on her. The worst thing that could happen is she rejects you. Then just move on to someone else. Until then , youll continue to torture yourself with fantasies and what ifs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Darren2013 Posted November 7, 2014 Author Share Posted November 7, 2014 It's as if he's delighted to adore her from afar, when she can be an idol on a pedestal, but he has such a negative view of himself that as soon as she shows interest in him, he assumes it must be out of pity, or that she must have "issues", and thus discounts her. It allows him to have his crushes and idols, but protects him from actually navigating real, meaningful interaction. It is called having my cake and eating it too. That's something just about every human being wants on the face of the earth but most don't want to admit it. I want my cake and eat it too. If you have the opportunity to do that then you would do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kav Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 Yep sounds like she's trying to run a game on you to make a fool out of you. I'd stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 It is called having my cake and eating it too. That's something just about every human being wants on the face of the earth but most don't want to admit it. I want my cake and eat it too. If you have the opportunity to do that then you would do it. Dude, what are you doing? This woman clearly likes you if she keeps inviting you to do things & you have a crush on her. Why wouldn't you want to hang out with her outside of work? Almost any guy would love that opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Kav Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 No NJ she's just gaming him-he knows what he's doing Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 No NJ she's just gaming him-he knows what he's doing How so? She first invited him for coffee & he declined. Now she invited him somewhere for dinner & he declined that as well. And she said he's been in her thoughts lately. And seems to be a bit worried about him & asking if everything is okay. It's obvious to me that she has some feelings for him. Especially after storming off into her car, since he hurt her feelings. She wouldn't of did that if she just viewed him as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Kav Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 She stormed off cause her plan to use him failed Link to post Share on other sites
NJ123 Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 She stormed off cause her plan to use him failed Explain in detail to me how she's using him? I just don't see it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kav Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 I'm just confirming what he already thinks so he can go about his business Link to post Share on other sites
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