Making connections and dealing with loneliness

[sadsoymilk]

I am having a rough night, and I've been overthinking a lot of things.

 

Basically, I need advice. I've only had two relationships in my life (if you think this last 3 month relationship even counts, haha) and I literally have NO sexual experience. I only have a handful of friends (all of whom I've known since childhood) and I spend nearly every night and day completely alone. I've been in college for over a year now, and I am 20 years old.

 

I feel like a complete freak. I don't know a single person who is a virgin, let alone who has only had one or two relationships. I never do things on weekends like typical college students do, even though I want to, because I don't have anyone to do things with. Basically, I am not having fun, and I often have anxiety over my life being wasted doing nothing.

 

The thing is, even though I have low self-esteem, I've been told by friends, exes, and strangers that I am beautiful, so that's not the problem (I think..) I eat healthy, exercise, care about my looks, etc. I am very friendly and kind to others, although I am pretty shy. I just don't connect with anyone. I don't know how to.. I would love to get out there and date guys and have fun, but even when I involve myself in clubs or activities, I go alone and kind of awkwardly hover there while everyone is having fun with their friends.. even when I try to talk to people, I don't know what to say and I'm often very awkward.

 

Sorry for ranting! I obviously don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Basically, what I'm asking is: how do I meet new people and make connections with them (friendship and relationship-wise)? How do you guys do it?

[DirtyHairy]

I am having a rough night, and I've been overthinking a lot of things.

 

Basically, I need advice. I've only had two relationships in my life (if you think this last 3 month relationship even counts, haha) and I literally have NO sexual experience. I only have a handful of friends (all of whom I've known since childhood) and I spend nearly every night and day completely alone. I've been in college for over a year now, and I am 20 years old.

 

I feel like a complete freak. I don't know a single person who is a virgin, let alone who has only had one or two relationships. I never do things on weekends like typical college students do, even though I want to, because I don't have anyone to do things with. Basically, I am not having fun, and I often have anxiety over my life being wasted doing nothing.

 

The thing is, even though I have low self-esteem, I've been told by friends, exes, and strangers that I am beautiful, so that's not the problem (I think..) I eat healthy, exercise, care about my looks, etc. I am very friendly and kind to others, although I am pretty shy. I just don't connect with anyone. I don't know how to.. I would love to get out there and date guys and have fun, but even when I involve myself in clubs or activities, I go alone and kind of awkwardly hover there while everyone is having fun with their friends.. even when I try to talk to people, I don't know what to say and I'm often very awkward.

 

Sorry for ranting! I obviously don't have anyone else to talk to about this. Basically, what I'm asking is: how do I meet new people and make connections with them (friendship and relationship-wise)? How do you guys do it?

 

 

First off I have had similar experiences as you but I am a guy a couple years older but not much but I get what it is like.

 

One thing I think you should remember is that its cool to be a virgin. I think that it is admirable and that it means you have values about who you want to be intimate with. That is an important thing and you should NOT feel like a freak or something because you have never had sex. I would rather someone who is a virgin than a person who has had multiple sexual partners (although I may have a different view than most guys do...but thats just who I am). Don't put out to some guy at college just to get that experience you will regret it and even in a relationship wait for as long as it takes to get to that point and if the guy isn't willing to wait then he isn't worth it.

 

When I was away out of town for college (before I went to university) I was in a relationship but it was long distance but it was still very hard on me. I didn't party and I didn't make a whole lot of friends and didn't join many clubs but played hockey and didn't really meet many people I liked (there weren't many lol). It was tough for sure but I eventually met some really cool people that I hung out with at school and played a few sports with.

 

I think you will just eventually make friends just by being in class and stuff like that (projects together, class discussions etc). Bring a pack a gum to class and ask the person next to you if you want a piece (the ultimate ice breaker in college lol)

 

Honestly just be you and be who you are. You will eventually meet some people and make a few friends and then once you meet some friends you can start to look for a relationship.

 

Hope that helps a bit and if I can help any more let me know

[quidproquo89]

As the last post said, its no biggie having not had sex. Your are still really young (no offence) and again as aforementioned you want to wait for the right person.

 

The trick to getting along with people is just to smile and know a few basic conversational tricks. Most guys do the approaching also, so its only a matter of time in that respect. Just be sharp about working out whose good for you and don't get 'intimate' with them too early because some people 'may' just be looking for intimacy.

 

I'm not looking to put you off. Just smile, try and make a few brief conversations with people you see regularly and soon enough you'll have friends. Are there any groups you can join? Any sports teams?

 

Even for starters just smile and say hello to people you pass.

 

You'll get there chin up

[sadsoymilk]

First off I have had similar experiences as you but I am a guy a couple years older but not much but I get what it is like.

 

One thing I think you should remember is that its cool to be a virgin. I think that it is admirable and that it means you have values about who you want to be intimate with. That is an important thing and you should NOT feel like a freak or something because you have never had sex. I would rather someone who is a virgin than a person who has had multiple sexual partners (although I may have a different view than most guys do...but thats just who I am). Don't put out to some guy at college just to get that experience you will regret it and even in a relationship wait for as long as it takes to get to that point and if the guy isn't willing to wait then he isn't worth it.

 

When I was away out of town for college (before I went to university) I was in a relationship but it was long distance but it was still very hard on me. I didn't party and I didn't make a whole lot of friends and didn't join many clubs but played hockey and didn't really meet many people I liked (there weren't many lol). It was tough for sure but I eventually met some really cool people that I hung out with at school and played a few sports with.

 

I think you will just eventually make friends just by being in class and stuff like that (projects together, class discussions etc). Bring a pack a gum to class and ask the person next to you if you want a piece (the ultimate ice breaker in college lol)

 

Honestly just be you and be who you are. You will eventually meet some people and make a few friends and then once you meet some friends you can start to look for a relationship.

 

Hope that helps a bit and if I can help any more let me know

 

Thank you for the reply It means a lot to me to know that someone would actually value my lack of experience. I generally see that regarded as a sad or laughable thing, especially in my age group..

 

The problem is, I've already been through almost 3 full semesters and I haven't made any friends yet, so I guess it seems to me like I'm a lost cause. People are quick to pair up with their friends for projects and I always do them alone. They also move to sit next to their friends in classes so I'm usually at the desk on the end or in the back - alone. I'm pretty pathetic I guess But I will try harder with your suggestions in mind.

 

It's the waiting for so long that is the hardest part, but I guess I'll just have to keep doing it. Thanks again.

[sadsoymilk]

As the last post said, its no biggie having not had sex. Your are still really young (no offence) and again as aforementioned you want to wait for the right person.

 

The trick to getting along with people is just to smile and know a few basic conversational tricks. Most guys do the approaching also, so its only a matter of time in that respect. Just be sharp about working out whose good for you and don't get 'intimate' with them too early because some people 'may' just be looking for intimacy.

 

I'm not looking to put you off. Just smile, try and make a few brief conversations with people you see regularly and soon enough you'll have friends. Are there any groups you can join? Any sports teams?

 

Even for starters just smile and say hello to people you pass.

 

You'll get there chin up

 

Thank you for the reply! Technically, I know that I'm young, but pretty much everyone in my age group has MUCH more experience than me, so I still feel weird about it..

 

I am a member of a few groups, and have been for 2 years now, yet somehow I still don't have any friends in them.. thank you for the advice though. I will have to try harder (although they will probably find it weird that the friendless girl is suddenly talking to them haha)

[preraph]

Oh, this is going to be such an easy fix -- and I'm not talking about your virginity. You are hardly over the hill.

 

You go to college. College has unlimited activities you can join and not need a friend to join them and make new friends. You need to get online and see what all clubs they have to participate in, like event clubs, foreign language clubs, science club, chess, ping-pong, swimming, join or start a campus pet rescue where you give presentations on pet care and rescue and encourage adoption on campus. Find your source for this info and then volunteer and sign up. Volunteer to sign up new voters by the cafeteria. You'll meet tons of people. In college, I got sucked into being a junior rep to lower the drinking age and met people sitting at a table having them sign the petition. We had to go lobby at the state capital with the beer company who then plied us with free beer.

 

I used to work in the concession stand at the football games. So check for on-campus employment just for the odd special event and you'll have a little spending money without it taking up too much time. Join a campus bowling league or volunteer to help decorate for campus events. Just find the source and there will be tons of ways to get out there, have a purpose, and meet people without feeling shy and like you don't belong, because you will belong.