Flavia Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 online dating is eating me alive. I've been widowed for almost three years. In the last two years, I've dated 26 men. Fell in love with two of them. Slept with 6 of them. Been left by the ones I cared about. Begged the last one to not leave. That was the worst. Now, its gotten to the point where the last 4 guys I've dated know other guys I've dated, and I live in the largest city in my state. I feel like I've been doing this too long. I'm miserable. I'm miserable alone. Link to post Share on other sites
quidproquo89 Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 you gotta take online dating with pinch of salt. Sounds like you've had more successs than a lot of people. Including myself whose got nowhere really. May be hard to believe most people get ignored by the point of there initial message. You got to get out there and meet some real people too. How about taking a break from OLD! I feel for you though. Its not personal dating can be harsh and we must learn to be strong. Take some time for yourself and repair the damage. Go and have some fun and do the things you enjoy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the tank Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Maybe you are too picky ? Maybe you wait to feel ''the spark'' and loose good guy because of this ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Flavia, In the last two years, I've dated 26 men. Wow, that's really cantering ! I only got half that number when I used OLD. I agree with what other posters say - don't make it your main source of dates, put yourself "out there" in other areas and you might be a bit more sucessful. Good luck. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Nooo begging! Can't seem like you're desperate for them. My lasy girlfriend could do with or without me and it was fantastic. I still can't get her completely out of my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Flavia, then it's time to do something else because OLD is causing more pain / stress than joy. 26 men in 2 years is LOT. That is one a month. The good news is you found that many guys you were willing to spend time with. It also seems to me that you need to be more picky; to that extent I disagree with the person who said you are too picky. The fact that you fell in love twice seems awfully fast. Try other avenues to meet people but also put some emotional brakes on your own behavior. Do not even consider falling in love until you have been dating for a month or two. It's going to take real time to find the guy who can replace your late husband. FWIW, I am sorry for your loss. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoneIsland Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Maybe you only like men who are liked by other women. They have little reason to stick around. Their choices are aplenty. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I suggest you take a 6 months recovery time off from dating. I was in a similar predicament a year ago and what I did during the few months of recovery made me come out much stronger, increased my confidence and made me feel happy with my life and myself, with or without a man. If you work on this, you'll not be miserable alone anymore. What I did was to start a series of reading and listening to audiobooks on letting go, controlling your thoughts to achieve happiness in life no matter what and generally Buddhist principles. I found the books by Dr. Wayne Dyer very useful. Another book that I found useful was "Budha's Brain: The Neuroscience of Happiness". In my work, I included daily meditation and affirmations. Waking up, I'd tell myself what am I grateful for, in which ways my life is great, how I appreciate what I have. Also, repeat that I'm beautiful, strong, smart, people like me etc. Whatever you need to tell yourself, say it daily. I also used guided meditation tapes. Whenever I felt down, I was listening to one of those tapes. But you have to work at it diligently. If you choose to just wallow in your own sadness, is going to be no progress. Learn to let go and learn to be happy no matter what your relationship status is. For me it worked out. Tt the end of this process, I met a wonderful man this June and things are going swimmingly. Not sure is going to be forever, but I now know how to be happy anyway and that gives me comfort and lowers my fears, which in turn translates into a more confident persona within the relationship, I am more zen in general and that helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
quidproquo89 Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I suggest you take a 6 months recovery time off from dating. I was in a similar predicament a year ago and what I did during the few months of recovery made me come out much stronger, increased my confidence and made me feel happy with my life and myself, with or without a man. If you work on this, you'll not be miserable alone anymore. What I did was to start a series of reading and listening to audiobooks on letting go, controlling your thoughts to achieve happiness in life no matter what and generally Buddhist principles. I found the books by Dr. Wayne Dyer very useful. Another book that I found useful was "Budha's Brain: The Neuroscience of Happiness". In my work, I included daily meditation and affirmations. Waking up, I'd tell myself what am I grateful for, in which ways my life is great, how I appreciate what I have. Also, repeat that I'm beautiful, strong, smart, people like me etc. Whatever you need to tell yourself, say it daily. I also used guided meditation tapes. Whenever I felt down, I was listening to one of those tapes. But you have to work at it diligently. If you choose to just wallow in your own sadness, is going to be no progress. Learn to let go and learn to be happy no matter what your relationship status is. For me it worked out. Tt the end of this process, I met a wonderful man this June and things are going swimmingly. Not sure is going to be forever, but I now know how to be happy anyway and that gives me comfort and lowers my fears, which in turn translates into a more confident persona within the relationship, I am more zen in general and that helps. lovely story, I'm pleased you found happiness 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) Now, its gotten to the point where the last 4 guys I've dated know other guys I've dated, and I live in the largest city in my state. I feel like I've been doing this too long. I'm miserable. I'm miserable alone. Try doing long distance dating. You can build up an emotional connection much faster. Or just sleep with men looking for sex. Widows and widowers often bond faster over a shared tragedy. Only look for widowers. Edited October 14, 2014 by FitChick Link to post Share on other sites
MikeyBe Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'd dig a little deeper into this: I'm miserable alone. That sounds like the real issue; not the online dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Flavia Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 Thank you all for your insights, and for this forum. FitChick: I don't know what others experience is, but I've had about 100 percent accuracy that anyone claiming to be a widower/with a graduate degree/who mentions 'honesty' in the first paragraph of his profile, and is contacting me from somewhere other than the town I am in has turned out to be a scammer. I don't think I'm overly picky. I am in a demographic where most everyone is dealing with SOMETHING serious, and usually its been health issues. I don't rule a person out because of that, but I feel I need to choose which health issues I can take on with someone, and which ones I can't. I am going to take myself out of the online pool for a while. At least until I can remember what it felt like to feel strong and magnetic. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 Try doing long distance dating. You can build up an emotional connection much faster. Or just sleep with men looking for sex. Widows and widowers often bond faster over a shared tragedy. Only look for widowers. I'm surprised at this advice, usually you're giving sensible opinions. When someone is miserable, having casual sex is not a good idea! Not that is a good idea ever, but if one can handle it, OK. Long distance relationships are very difficult to manage and they have a high chance of failure. Real widowers are rare online. Flavia, good decision to take a break to recover. Dating intensively is emotionally taxing, you are not a robot and you do need recovery time. Work on yourself, work on not feeling miserable alone and that will help you when you're back out there. And by then, new men will be on the market too. Good luck, and remember, the only time to be happy is now, we only have this moment. Not "I will be happy when...". Just work on being happy now, every moment, and things will turn up romantically too. Be realistic and know that it'll take time, it's not going to be overnight. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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