Worried about relationship

[BubbyBoo22]

My boyfriend and I recently got engaged. For the past two weeks since our engagement things have been more difficult and stressed then usual.

 

Our engagement was beautiful but I guess it came at a bad time. Well I know it did. The day before we had a really big fight and I hadn't really calmed down from it. Neither of us had. I feel really ashamed for feeling disappointed I guess in our engagement. I had dreamed about it and we had talked about it so so so much and I think I built it up too much in my mind.

 

We know we love each other and want to be with each other but something has been happening lately and we don't know what. We are very honest with each other and when something happens we always sit down and talk.

 

I get anxiety a lot and I know this affects our relationship but I really don't know how to calm down. I know little things bother me and I get worked up and worried. I stress a lot and I'm working on this.

 

Lately we have been fighting more and neither of us really know what is happening. We have been planning to move in for ages but haven't been able to yet. My current housing situation went sour and I had to move our before my lease was up and continue paying rent.

 

I don't have friends (not now at least) and haven't been able to really talk to anyone. We are still planning to move in together and I really do believe both of us do that this is the right step.

 

Our relationship has been great full of hopes and dreams and love and honesty but now it feels like all that is slipping away with these fights. Sometimes its just about stupid stuff that i know I'm just personally being to picky on and that is getting better.

 

But recently it has been more of me worrying that he is looking at other girls. I'm a little chubby and my self esteem seems to have plummeted. We have both had problems with porn in the past and I guess I just get really worried. Our last big fight was a couple of days ago.

 

We were in church and we had been having a good few day. Well this girl stood up and I guess you could say I caught him staring at her butt. I know its silly but i kinda felt like 'hey things are getting better and you do that'. I get really worried that im not enough because of my size but i know if i change it ill be for me. I know he loves me and I him.

 

We fight about him lying to me to which he has has a problem with for a bit now. I try to take things calmly and approach with 'look im upset but i want to talk about this'

 

Please any advice would help. If more information is needed I would be very happy to supply I'm just not sure what else to write.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Obviously anxiety plays on reliving past experiences and obscuring what is going on in front of you.

 

Most guys will check women out, that is a given. Sometimes guilt can play bad when looked at in scrutiny. So, the both of you are feeling deeply guilty for such a blow up that was topped with a cherry. I could say proposing was the wrong thing to do in the light of things. But he was honest, and felt nothing else could be done to prove how much he loves you at a time he had no other words to comfort and resolve what had happened.

 

Accept what you have, and if matters have not resolved by now, allow for them to be. As it will allow you to move forward in feeling confident in his proposal.

 

Anxiety is a difficult enemy, as it can make you feel nothing is right, even when it is so perfect.

 

One wee note... I am sure he knows how anxiety effects you, as it tests the both of you more than you know. His caring and love for you shows how strong he is when most men would find such matters too difficult in a woman to deal with.

 

Never look at yourself as a bad person, and so undeserving... as anxiety will do that to you while pulling at distrust. There is nothing you both can't resolve, unless you give up on yourself.

[mammasita]

Your whole post IMO just screams out self worth and self esteem issues. If you can get that under wraps I feel like everything else will fall into place. Accepting yourself is the first step, regardless of your size.

 

Look at the reality. A woman standing up and everyone else is sitting, where will the eyes naturally fall? I'm sure half the women in the church were looking at her a55 too.

 

Human nature is human nature. We all look. That will never change. I'm in a relationship and I love him to death. I look at other men - hell yes I do, and I'm quite certain he looks at women...ALL.THE.TIME. The point is we NEVER EVER obviously disrespect, belittle or compare each other to what we see.

[d0nnivain]

Have a very long engagement, at least 2 years. You can't get married until you get a handle on this stuff. At some point wedding deposits are non refundable so you better know what you are doing before you start shelling out cash.

 

First why did you get engaged if you were angry? It makes no sense to me that he even asked if he were still mad at you so this is most likely all in your head & you have to get over it. When DH asked me to marry him it wasn't perfect but I knew I loved him & that we'd be good together even if him popping the Q wasn't perfectly scripted by a romance writer.

 

So do you want to marry your FI or do you want to be in your own movie of the week? If you are hung up on the flawless fairy tale, this will never work because life isn't perfect.

 

You actually thought he was checking out another woman's butt in Church a few days after he proposed? I'm having trouble believing that he was doing what you accused him of because you admit your own insecurities but whether he was or you just imagined it, either / both scenarios tell me you two shouldn't be getting married because there is no trust.

 

The fact that you fight about him lying to you also says you two aren't ready for marriage. Again, there is no trust & you need trust as a foundation.

 

At the very least go through pre-marital counseling with your pastor before you do anything else. It will help you figure out if you want a marriage or a wedding.

[BubbyBoo22]

The lying would not be about big things. Small things that I know I shouldn't care about but I do. Things that don't really matter because they are in the past. I need to realize that these things are in the past. I know he doesn't want to hurt me when he lies about these things but its the lying that hurts. Through all my anxiety there has been no doubt i love him and he loves me. Or that I want to marry him or have kids with him. Wehn we get upset we usually talk about it afterwards and ask ourself what we know. It starts of with 'I love you', 'I want to marry you' 'your handsome- then some silly stuff then the serious stuff. The thing is all fight are resolved within a hour or two we never go to bed upset. The day we got engaged was beautiful and I said yes because its him. I love him so very much and I never want anyone else for the rest of my life. But in the back of my mind after was the fight we had the day before which was silly and we did resolve we just do usually talk about it more the day after to settle us more.

Edited October 15, 2014 by BubbyBoo22

[BubbyBoo22]

The dreaming is about married life together. Waking up next to each other, being together and loving each other through bad times and good. I never wanted a big proposal ever. AS I said the proposal was beautiful and I said yes because of the love I felt and the fact that this is the man for me and I believe as he does that I am the woman for him. It wasnt big and I never wanted it to be. Simple was just as beautiful. It was the after thoughts of the fighting and doubt that im scared of. But I know they are silly. I love this man. When I was talking about what we know and saying 'I love you' "I want to marry you' 'Your handsome' that bit was getting in the silly stuff. When I think of this man I instantly go to his family and how he treats them, how he treats me so well, how he listens, how he holds me, his intelligence, his humor, the love he desplays, how he understands me and I him and I love him dearly. We have been going through a rough two weeks and im trying to understand why and I understand more then ever that most of it comes down to my personal issues and fears.