is this normal?

[jealous]

My boyfriend and i are college students, he lives in the dorms but i don't. He is a dorm assistant with another guy and a girl. The problem is that he went out to eat with the other assistant that is a girl. She is single and usually she eats with us at the school cafeteria for lunch. I was really upset because she doesn't have a good reputation and while my boyfriend was out I was by myself doing nothing. He told me that he had dinner with her,but i'm still upset he thinks that i should be able to have faith in people but for some reason i don't trust her. i feel like he thinks i'm paranoid. how can i heal this problem?

[Tony T]

You may need to find a relationship you feel secure in, if that's possible. If you don't trust your guy to be loyal to you, the relationship is not good.

 

He does need to have a life away from you. He has a right to have lunch with others, male or female. He cannot be responsible for your reaction to what he does away from you. You own your own feelings.

 

As for her reputation, a lot of people have those. They aren't necessarily constructed from truth. If you base your life on dependence upon rumors, you have a whirlwind in store for you.

 

Nobody can take these feelings of jealousy away from you except you. They are usually based in low self esteem and insecurity. However, you should feel very secure in any relationship you participate in. If you don't, work on that or end it.

 

Now, if he normally takes you to lunch with him most of the time, he normally does not eat alone with other females and he goes to lunch with this girl again a few times, you may have a problem here to deal with it. It has nothing to do with your jealousy, though. Unless there is a compelling business or school issues reason why the two need to dine alone, this would imply he has other agendas that could indicate his fondness of her.

 

In that case, send him on his way. But right now, I don't see that you have a problem...except for self-created insecurity.

 

The only way you can heal jealousy and insecurity, which has in its roots the fear of loss of love and abandonment, you will have to look back in your life to see just where those came from. Once you realize that everything happens for a reason and there is an abundance of love in the world, you won't be so paranoid about the loss of one particular source of it.

 

Once you learn the real meaning of love, you won't feel so bad about freeing those you love to seek their bliss elsewhere if they find some need to do so. Of course, that doesn't take away the sting and the hurt but you realize that you can't choke love into staying...it's something that must move freely. And the hurt must be felt.

[jealous]

Thank you for responding. My boyfriend told me that if she happens to invite him alone with herself for a couple of times, then he would suspect of her intentions and therefore he would decline her invitations. Also, when i was very young a had a nice family .everybody thought that my dad was a perfect husband until he abandoned us. i don't remember being hurt til i was older. i still can't believe that happen to me and maybe that's why i feel hard to trust a man because i loved my dad very much and he betrayed me by leaving me and never coming back.

[Tony T]

The abandonment of your father has everything to do with your insecurity at this time. You have to realize that love is a gamble, anyway you look at it.

 

The fact that your boyfriend has said if he gets multiple invitations from this girl he will suspect her intentions are less than honorable is a very good sign. If she wants to be friends with him, she should desire to be friends with you also.

 

You are simply going to have to understand that while some people you love will be loyal to you, some will not. Just accept that as fact and be willing to live with it. There is no good reason to keep yourself upset about what your boyfriend is doing.

 

There is also no good reason to be paying a lifetime of emotional consequences just because your father was a butthole. If he's still alive, talk to him and express your anger at what he did. See if there were underlying reasons why he did this. Try to resolve your feelings with him and come to peace with it. We are only human and we all make mistakes we regret.