I need to end my affair

[total loss]

I will not bore you with excuses of how I managed to get myself into this fine mess.

I can tell you that I have an amazing husband and wonderful kids and I'm ruining everything by lying and cheating. I hate myself and I regret the day I ever got involved with the other man. Who also is married with kids. We never set out to do this. Our friendship became something very forbidden and its been going on. On and off for nearly a year. I end it then find myself back in the thick of it. The no contact doesn't apply to me as we work together. Our families are close and this stupid rotten selfish affair will hurt everyone and destroy so many families and lives.

I deserve the pain and hurt. I'm hurting all the time. But the Guilt is eating away at me. I'm happy to hurt for the rest of my life it's my own fault.

When ever I'm not with the OMM or not in work I'm strong and can stay away. He's told me he can't stop that he loves me. Truth be told I'm in love with him too. I feel alive when I'm with him.

but it has to stop. I have to let him go.

Please help me. Words of wisdom. Quotes. Anything

[CarrieT]

Tell your husband. Confess. Come clean.

 

As soon as it is out in the open, you will HAVE to come to terms with it and either move forward or end it.

[MuddyRock]

If you are commited to a life of lies then at least quit your job like today. Flipping burgers is a better life then living in a one bedroom apartment with your kids every other weekend.

[Toodaloo]

Quit your job so you can make the break. Go for something else and make it a career change.

 

I am of 2 minds if confessing is such a good idea... Sometimes the things you don't know can't hurt you...

[gettingstronger]

Something will need to change so you will need to (and possibly do all of them but....)

 

change jobs

move

confess

have him end it

 

You are in the fog of the affair still and will probably stay there unless one of the above happens- you should get in to counseling because I am sorry to say but a long, hard road awaits you no matter what course of action you take-

[DKT3]

Truth is, when your ready for it to be over it will be over. Or you'll get caught first.

 

Think about the things your decision will change. Think about not having that loving, wonderful husband, or about only spending half your time with the kids. Think about them not having both parents. Think about the look in their eyes when they learn that YOU changed their lives forever. You can't hide these things from kids, they are much smarter and aware then most of us know.

 

Get yorself to a therapist, find out why you found it OK to cross the line and carry on this way.

 

And lastly, this has kinda become my waycry here, this did not just happen, your not a victim, you made this happen. You picked this road and walked it eyes open. Accept your 100% to blame. Every line you crossed you had a choice to go back instead you plowed forward.

[total loss]

Thank you for the posts.

I'm actively looking for other jobs and am waiting responses to my applications.

I know cutting all ties is the best way forward and I plan too as soon as I get another job.

In the meantime I'm trying hard to stay away, I don't contact him but he is constantly ringing and texting me.

He even has started showing up at my kids school because I am ignoring him.

I talk to him in work but I keep it professional but you can cut the tension with a knife and other colleagues have started to notice.

[total loss]

I accept full responsibility. I am selfish and foolish and totally in the wrong.

But I want to change that. I want to work on my marriage. I don't deserve forgiveness or trust but I'm ready to work hard and earn it.

It was a mistake and I want to learn from it before I loose everything that I can never replace

[eye of the storm]

Total loss, he is going to get both of you caught because he cannot control himself.

 

You need to tell him to stop. Tell him the A is over. Tell him it is painful for both of you and you will continue to be professional with him at work but he will have to stop texting and calling you and he is to immediately stop stalking your children. Then block his number.

[DKT3]

I accept full responsibility. I am selfish and foolish and totally in the wrong.

But I want to change that. I want to work on my marriage. I don't deserve forgiveness or trust but I'm ready to work hard and earn it.

It was a mistake and I want to learn from it before I loose everything that I can never replace

 

You are accepting some responsibility, however by saying "we never set out to do this" your pushing blame or making it seem like it was out of your control. The thing is you did set out to do this. Little by little you pushed your boundaries. Every time you made a conscience decision to do so. This is what you wanted, and you've allowed it to continue for a year. Own that, be honest. Its hard to accept that we can do horrible things with intent. Now I don't for a second think your intent was to hurt your husband, but your intent was to see where things would go with this other man. Your husbands coming pain is a result of that.

 

It wasn't a mistake, the mistake was thinking you could handle it.

 

That enough beating you up.

 

I am concerned that he seems to be stalking you. My wife had this when she ended her affair and didn't feel she could tell me because I didn't know about the affair and she feared I would hurt the guy. You may not feel any danger, but you never really know how people will react. Please be careful. He sounds like he is out of control, showing up at your kids school, what if hubby was in the car? He isn't thinking about getting caught, which puts you in great danger of being caught. Maybe its time you control how your husband finds out.

[Jrdinvt]

There are two pathways imo.

 

1) tell him you have had an affair with this guy, spare the details, and do it in a public(ish) place if you worry about outcome. He will be upset, hurt, and betrayed. He will know in that moment if he can forgive you or not...you'll know too.

 

2) change jobs, change phone numbers /carriers / all other forms of contact and wait for the truth to come out. If you have co-mingled families it is more likely to come out than not.

 

Given - either way is very difficult. Make peace with with yourself.

[Sassy Girl]

I understand you not wanting to tell....I wont ever be telling my husband ...but in your case I think you need to.

 

You have had an affair not only at work, but with someone in your social circle. This is beyond bad and very careless. Work is starting to notice and OM is starting to become volatile and erratic. You want to keep your marriage? You need to confess.

 

In your case, I dont think its a matter of IF you get caught, but WHEN. And when DDay happens, your confession will go a long way in your husbands eyes, rather than having to draw thd truth from you. As DKT said...tge only thing you can control right now is HOW your husband discovers it. The rest is a gamble. A BIG one.

 

When its no longer fun, youve gotta walk away.

[dichotomy]

Putting aside telling your husband - a big thing I would advocate. If OM is not leaving you alone - threaten to tell his wife. You could block is his number - but you could also install an app on your phone that forwards calls and texts to his wife's cell - or threaten him by telling him you are about to install it.

 

Glad your looking for work elsewhere.

 

But as mentioned you live in the same town/school district, you all know each other. Not sure how you get this untangled with out confessing.

 

You better be prepared for everything that will hit the fan with your husband and OM's wife - and the fact that it will likely be public news since you all live so closely near each other. Read on here about all the things a Betrayed spouse will want or want to know.

[jellybean89]

Put a picture of your spouse and kids as a screensaver for your computer and phone background. Put pictures around your desk/office. Each time you CHOOSE to respond to the MM, look at the faces of the ones you claim to love and want. Remind yourself what you are CHOOSING to lose.

 

As for his alleged stalking, tell him the affair is over. Tell him firmly and mean it. Don't be wishy washy. Are your kids worth having sex with him? Is your home and family worth the sneaking around, the giggles of how much you all "want" each other...is losing everything worth 30 minutes of pleasure with this MARRIED MAN?

 

When the answer to that is no, and when your actions back up those words, then you are ready to mend your life.

[gettingstronger]

I agree it could get messy so be prepared on how you will handle it- I agree with the others that telling your spouse is the best way to go-if not, there will be a double whammy when it all comes out-

 

Please consider therapy/counseling as going it alone will be very difficult-

 

You have a number of things to consider/take care of

 

-your feelings of self loathing

-the reaction of your spouse

-the reaction of the other spouse

-the reaction of your children

-the effect on your family when the larger social circle becomes aware

 

I applaud your efforts but do not envy your position- start now to prepare yourself and best of luck-

[curiousGeorge2]

Don't confess. Don't put the cross of doubts/guilty on his back.

[herself]

I will not bore you with excuses of how I managed to get myself into this fine mess.

I can tell you that I have an amazing husband and wonderful kids and I'm ruining everything by lying and cheating. I hate myself and I regret the day I ever got involved with the other man. Who also is married with kids. We never set out to do this. Our friendship became something very forbidden and its been going on. On and off for nearly a year. I end it then find myself back in the thick of it. The no contact doesn't apply to me as we work together. Our families are close and this stupid rotten selfish affair will hurt everyone and destroy so many families and lives.

I deserve the pain and hurt. I'm hurting all the time. But the Guilt is eating away at me. I'm happy to hurt for the rest of my life it's my own fault.

When ever I'm not with the OMM or not in work I'm strong and can stay away. He's told me he can't stop that he loves me. Truth be told I'm in love with him too. I feel alive when I'm with him.

but it has to stop. I have to let him go.

Please help me. Words of wisdom. Quotes. Anything

 

I understand how it happens having been in your shoes...something about that forbidden friendship and you get so addicted and caught up. Mine was only EA with coworker but kept me caught up for 14 years. Please dont stay stuck.

You've got to sit your AP down and explain the guilt is too much, the risk is too much and tell him you HAVE to end it and need his help.

Then decide between the two of you that not only is it done and over mutually...but then which of you will leave that company.

You are out of options and we all here are paying dearly for our choices so zero judgement but you have to take action NOW.

You CAN break free for sure...you have to.

Your already seeing the future devastating fallout this can cause.

You cant wait anither day.

Pour your heart out to AP and MAKE him understand you CAN'T go on. Its not even an option any longer. I really wish you the best. Im so sorry.

[Artie Lang]

in my opinion, the only way to resolve this is to confess, then go NC and find yourself another job.

 

 

if you don't confess, all you're doing is sweeping things under the rug. your husband has a right to know about the state of his marriage to make an informed decision.

[lovinDKT3]

I understand how it happens having been in your shoes...something about that forbidden friendship and you get so addicted and caught up. Mine was only EA with coworker but kept me caught up for 14 years. Please dont stay stuck.

You've got to sit your AP down and explain the guilt is too much, the risk is too much and tell him you HAVE to end it and need his help.

Then decide between the two of you that not only is it done and over mutually...but then which of you will leave that company.

You are out of options and we all here are paying dearly for our choices so zero judgement but you have to take action NOW.

You CAN break free for sure...you have to.

Your already seeing the future devastating fallout this can cause.

You cant wait anither day.

Pour your heart out to AP and MAKE him understand you CAN'T go on. Its not even an option any longer. I really wish you the best. Im so sorry.

 

Take it from someone who has been in your shoes and made it to the other side. You don't need closure, you don't need to sit with the AP and decide anything. None of us sat with our husbands and came to a decision to have an affair. Does the ap deserve more respect then our husbands? Just end it, stop making excuses which are really just looking for a way to stay engaged and prolong things.

 

If your marriage is what you want, you can't continue to put it at risk. Once the hubby finds out then the whole dynamic will change, you will no longer have control of the direction things go. End it, focus on being the best wife and mother you can be. When the fog lifts you will feel so much better about yourself, your marriage and your husband. Don't make my mistake and wait too long.

[Friskyone4u]

You are an adult woman and the fact is you really do not want to end it or it would be easy. How about one of these two options:

(1) tell this guy you will file a complaint of sexual harassment with your company if he does not stop trying to contact you on a personal level.!

(2) tell him you will confess( which you should do any way) and tell everything to his wife in order to convince your husband your want it over

Now, both of these options involve risks for you which you want to avoid. Sorry honey, you climbed into the sack with him and you ain't escaping this clean as a whistle.

My guess is you will put it off until you get caught. Then you will post here how sorry you are.

It's insulting to our intelligence for you to tell us that a grown up woman with a professional job, cannot stop a guy who wants in her pants for continuing

Sorry for the 2x4, but it won't stop until you out on your big girl panties and do it

[Donesharing]

You are an adult woman and the fact is you really do not want to end it or it would be easy. How about one of these two options:

(1) tell this guy you will file a complaint of sexual harassment with your company if he does not stop trying to contact you on a personal level.!

(2) tell him you will confess( which you should do any way) and tell everything to his wife in order to convince your husband your want it over

Now, both of these options involve risks for you which you want to avoid. Sorry honey, you climbed into the sack with him and you ain't escaping this clean as a whistle.

My guess is you will put it off until you get caught. Then you will post here how sorry you are.

It's insulting to our intelligence for you to tell us that a grown up woman with a professional job, cannot stop a guy who wants in her pants for continuing

Sorry for the 2x4, but it won't stop until you out on your big girl panties and do it

 

There is something to emotions though. It just isn't that easy to do what someone from the outside looking in would do. If you are like me, when someone looks you in the eye and makes promises, you believe them. To suddenly treat them as a criminal or enemy goes against the grain of what your heart has been telling you. I don't think I could go that extreme to anyone unless they were physically abusive or mean. I think we can love someone else when we are in a marriage. I think it can be meaningful. But, I know most of the time you will hurt that person over the person you have been with for years, and have made a life with. It doesn't mean that person was evil. It just means they screwed up and now they have to choose to hurt someone they care for.

[DKT3]

There is something to emotions though. It just isn't that easy to do what someone from the outside looking in would do. If you are like me, when someone looks you in the eye and makes promises, you believe them. To suddenly treat them as a criminal or enemy goes against the grain of what your heart has been telling you. I don't think I could go that extreme to anyone unless they were physically abusive or mean. I think we can love someone else when we are in a marriage. I think it can be meaningful. But, I know most of the time you will hurt that person over the person you have been with for years, and have made a life with. It doesn't mean that person was evil. It just means they screwed up and now they have to choose to hurt someone they care for.

 

Its not really about who loves who. Its about caring for and respecting the person you made a vow to enough to not hold them hostage with lies. A wayward spouse owes it to their partner to give them the information that affects their life, its only fair to allow them the chance to make their own path. If one cant let the other person go then why hold on to someone you don't really want? That isn't love, its pure selfishness and entitlement to think you deserve someone who trust you and your pissing all over it everyday. Sneaking off doing things with the other person then coming home kissing them on the mouth and say "oh honey I love you so much" its disgusting.

Edited October 15, 2014 by DKT3

[Blackknight]

Don't confess because "it is the right thing to do". That is readily preached but not always true. I confessed but it would have been better if I hadn't for my husband. Confessing for him which i thought I was doing helped no one. I still believe a full confession is better than being caught or lying. But if your husband doesn't have any suspicions don't just jump on it as the "right" thing to do. I have talked to people and heard enough stories to know not everyone who was betrayed wants to know.

[Donesharing]

Its not really about who loves who. Its about caring for and respecting the person you made a vow to enough to not hold them hostage with lies. A wayward spouse owes it to their partner to give them the information that affects their life, its only fair to allow them the chance to make their own path. If one cant let the other person go then why hold on to someone you don't really want? That isn't love, its pure selfishness and entitlement to think you deserve someone who trust you and your pissing all over it everyday. Sneaking off doing things with the other person then coming home kissing them on the mouth and say "oh honey I love you so much" its disgusting.

 

I completely agree. Everyone in the triangle needs to know so they can all figure out what is right for them. Like I said all along, you have to be true to yourself. If you really want your marriage and you stray..that is messed up. If you are miserable in your marriage and you are confused and want out, then sometimes it might take some thought and it might be a process to move out, move on. But, if you never intended to leave and you are promising someone else you plan to leave and be with them, that is cruel.

[Donesharing]

Don't confess because "it is the right thing to do". That is readily preached but not always true. I confessed but it would have been better if I hadn't for my husband. Confessing for him which i thought I was doing helped no one. I still believe a full confession is better than being caught or lying. But if your husband doesn't have any suspicions don't just jump on it as the "right" thing to do. I have talked to people and heard enough stories to know not everyone who was betrayed wants to know.

 

I was listening to a radio psychotherapist recently. She said, if it is 100% over and you realized you made a big mistake, and you are ready to be 100% committed to your spouse, don't tell. Hurting them to ease your conscious is not OK. But, if you are still confused, haven't ended it, etc...that is different. But, if you are sure you are done and the BS doesn't know, do not hurt them to ease your guilt.