RegretfulAlways Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 In addition to the 1,000 reasons I know it's wrong to be in an affair, I'm coming to the swift realization that my online AP is a narcissist. I'm currently on the receiving end of his latest "discard" after unintentionally criticizing his sexual prowess (or lack thereof). Have received the silent treatment for 14 days now. Reading my story as an outsider, I know how bad it looks. We are both married, both projecting this image of perfect families. We're both disgusting. I know that, so please go easy on the criticism. I guess I'm just surprised that I still find myself caring - if caring is the right descriptor. We were supposed to be getting together in person this week (we're LD) and I know this is an intentional cold shoulder to "punish" me. I suspect straight up ignoring him is the way to go (along with thanking my lucky stars that he is making this easier for me). Right? Guess I'm looking for others' experiences - past or present - with narcissistic AP's and how you dealt with it. If they came back after the discard, or if they didn't. Etc. Just so I can build up some strength, take back my self-esteem, and recognize this guy for what he is. Thanks for listening if you've made it this far... I realize it's hard to sympathize with my situation. Really appreciate advice and words of support, if you can muster them. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 If you want to get down to brass tacks...it really has nothing to do with his personality. It has to do with yours. If you no longer want to be with him, then make a choice and stick to it. You are obviously not in a situation where NC is not an option. You are on the receiving end of 14 days as it is. Why are you in an affair where you have to be careful what you say/don't say, and the OM feels like he has the right to punish you. You claim its lucky he is making it easy for you by his behavior. Then take your luck (and your toys) and go home. If you stay with him, then do it with eyes open and accepting that he will continue to treat you the way you allow him to treat you. He is showing you how he values you. Believe him. good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm not sure we really know enough about this guy to determine that he is narcissistic. What makes you believe he is narcissistic other than the fact that he is ignoring you? I had a quick look at your prior threads and see that this affair has been all online but you were supposed to be getting together in person this week. Do you think it is simply coincidence that he decided to take offense to something you said and start ignoring you right when the time was nearing for you two to meet in person? I don't. I think he doesn't want to take the affair into real life, he wants to keep it online only and therefore he needed a reason to back out of this face to face meeting. Once the possibility of this meeting is safely behind him, he will try to restart the online affair because that's all he really wants with you. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 If you're looking to get out, thank him for making it easier, block him, change your info, and move on. If you're looking to maintain, I wouldn't meet with him until he thaws his cold shoulder and at least talks to you again. Last thing I'd want to do is connect an AP who's mad at me (justified or not) for a secret meeting. On the personal side, it's not worth the risk to go out there for somebody who's stopped going out there for you or is treating your poorly. On the realistic side, if he truly is unbalanced, it may not be the safest idea to meet with him if he's mad enough to not talk to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm not sure if he is in fact a narcissist, few people are. However, what he's doing is definitely emotionally manipulative and lots of people do this kind of punishing to put you in your place and to get their way. I'm curious: are you trying to end the affair? I ask because what to do really depends on what you're hoping for. If you're hoping to "teach him a lesson" but not end things then that's a different thing. If you were supposed to get together and he's ignoring you...well let him continue. But if he does reach out what will you do? You have to be firm and honest with yourself about what you ultimately want from the situation and him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm not sure we really know enough about this guy to determine that he is narcissistic. What makes you believe he is narcissistic other than the fact that he is ignoring you? We've talked about it before. He jokes that he is one, and I notice that in general he can get by with very little contact/emotional connection... but then pick back up again like nothing happened. Also, he loves sending me pictures of himself ... I mean loves it... body parts specifically (unprompted, which is what spurred my criticism - I teased him that he was moving too fast and I needed to warm up, etc.) I had a quick look at your prior threads and see that this affair has been all online but you were supposed to be getting together in person this week. Do you think it is simply coincidence that he decided to take offense to something you said and start ignoring you right when the time was nearing for you two to meet in person? I don't. I think he doesn't want to take the affair into real life, he wants to keep it online only and therefore he needed a reason to back out of this face to face meeting. Once the possibility of this meeting is safely behind him, he will try to restart the online affair because that's all he really wants with you. You actually raise an interesting point. I didn't think this was an option (that he was looking to avoid meeting in person) because the last time this was an option for us, I backed out first due to guilt. He seemed to be the one pushing to take it to a PA - if you read my threads, you know that we hooked up in person before, years ago. I dunno. Maybe you have a point. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 If you're looking to get out, thank him for making it easier, block him, change your info, and move on. If you're looking to maintain, I wouldn't meet with him until he thaws his cold shoulder and at least talks to you again. Last thing I'd want to do is connect an AP who's mad at me (justified or not) for a secret meeting. On the personal side, it's not worth the risk to go out there for somebody who's stopped going out there for you or is treating your poorly. On the realistic side, if he truly is unbalanced, it may not be the safest idea to meet with him if he's mad enough to not talk to you. Good advice, RHM. Thank you. Appreciate the detailed guidance for either option. And to answer the question... I don't know what I want. But this is certainly pushing me in one direction.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 I'm curious: are you trying to end the affair? I ask because what to do really depends on what you're hoping for. If you're hoping to "teach him a lesson" but not end things then that's a different thing. If you were supposed to get together and he's ignoring you...well let him continue. But if he does reach out what will you do? You have to be firm and honest with yourself about what you ultimately want from the situation and him. Good question, MissBee. I don't know. I mean I know what I SHOULD do but I'm just being honest in that I'm torn. And I'll admit that your question ... "if he reaches out, what will you do?" is the one that's on my mind. He's in my area for work tomorrow... I sort of think he'll wait until the very last minute, then contact me tomorrow night and ask if I want to get together. He's done that before. (Don't worry, I will say NO!) Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 With a narcissist it's all about "narcissistic supply". So if he finds another source of supply, there is less chance of him needing the supply you provided. If he feels like you insulted him, you won't be considered a good source of supply. He needs to feel superior to you, and if you insult him, it turns the tables to where you are the superior one and he feels inferior. He won't like that, because he needs to be admired, respected and validated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Temporarilyinsane Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 My xmm is a sociopath/narcissist and he did the ignore thing numerous times to punish me as well. If yours is truly narcissistic ignoring him to prove your point will do no good, he doesn't care about your feelings or you for that matter. If him doing this is making it easier for you to move on then do that before it's too late and you take it to a PA, you'll be glad you did. Recovering from a narcissist is the hardest thing I have ever done. Run far and fast and never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted October 14, 2014 Author Share Posted October 14, 2014 Ugh, Temporarily, thanks for letting me know. Care to share further examples of the ignoring? I'd love to hear them if you can spare the agony... just trying to conduct some intel... Link to post Share on other sites
Temporarilyinsane Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 (edited) They're cruel and narcissist are deeply insecure, it's why they manipulate and discard. I've found that once you start to call them out is generally when the discard starts to occur. They have a need to control so if you start to question them or doubt them they start looking for other victims. Examples of my xmm were prolific, he used ignoring for just about everything. If he felt other men were paying attention to me it was my fault, if I didn't respond quickly enough to his texts, if his w started to question him he would blame me and ignore, if I ever got upset about anything, he wouldn't call me only text, the list goes on and on. You'd think I would have ran away screaming but the narcissist fakes love so well and pretends to know you more than anyone has ever known you in your life that when the discard starts to happen you're desperate to get back what they gave t in the beginning. It's a sick cycle and is very difficult to recover from. During the times he was ignoring me he would flirt/talk with other women and or tell me he was going to go have sex with his w as a way to further punish me. When we broke up he refused to see me, he just sent a text and ended things but would continue to tell me he loved me. He sent many mixed messages and it was infuriating, I would email him passionate pleas to either let me go or end things the right way, like an adult. He'd either respond with more I love yous or ignore or even sometimes be downright hateful. It was total chaos, with amazing tenderness, affection and what I thought was love inbetween, it was completely and totally exhausting. If you suspect your mm is narcissistic don't second guess yourself, even if he's not his behavior is putting up red flags that you're uncomfortable with, listen to your intuition. This will only end in heartache. Edited October 14, 2014 by Temporarilyinsane 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 15, 2014 Share Posted October 15, 2014 You actually raise an interesting point. I didn't think this was an option (that he was looking to avoid meeting in person) because the last time this was an option for us, I backed out first due to guilt. He seemed to be the one pushing to take it to a PA - if you read my threads, you know that we hooked up in person before, years ago. I dunno. Maybe you have a point. Ugh. I'd say that not knowing puts you in the solid "no" category... With so much to risk, it's not worth it to go in with question marks. Link to post Share on other sites
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