So many questions - is it over? Should I end it?

[Downtown]

Junior, as I noted earlier, I used a mediator in my divorce and found him very useful. Keep in mind, however, that the mediator's objective is to make a deal. You cannot trust him to protect your best interests or to be reasonably fair. It therefore is important to have an attorney who is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests. Likewise, your W should have one too. When I went to mediation, there were three attorneys in the room and, during each round of the negotiation, my exW and I would pair off with our respective attorneys to get their opinion.

 

There is risk both ways. If you both have bad attorneys, they will undermine the mediation process by encouraging you to make unreasonable demands. On the other hand, if you do mediation on your own without legal counsel, you may agree to some innocent looking clause in the agreement that is extremely and unfairly expensive to you. In my opinion, you are at far greater risk, especially when children are involved, if you do it without having your own legal counsel.

[Jrdinvt]

Agreed. He has planned for us to sit down and meet with two seperate council to go over the "deal" we come to agreement with. It sounds pretty safe to me.

[BlueIris]

Well ladies and gents - Monday we met together with an attorney. This attorney would act as a mediator for our divorce. Seems like a great guy.

 

So far it looks like we will use him. My wife needs to make up her mind. He's very a matter of fact - and I love that.

 

He gave us the run down of law in my state and filled us in on how the state works.

 

First we will begin with kids - we want 50/50. So that should be straight forward. Then comes money (state makes that simple around calculations). Looks like I will be going down the spousal maintenance pathway because I make 3 times more than her - though he's thinking that should only last 5 or so years. However, he said all is negotiable.

 

Whoo! Can't wait to put all this behind me. He said he could have us done in 3 months (we've been seperated for 6 months.

 

Crazy crazy

 

That's great.

Glad to see she works, too. I got the impression she didn't for some reason. Anyway, I hope your kids are doing okay. When my husband and I got divorced we have a family therapist who was great and was there for the kids when or if they wanted to talk. I hope it goes smoothly. High conflict is much more damaging than a cooperative divorce, so it is well worth doing it respectfully.

I'm wondering, though, if you believe that she has BPD, aren't you worried for your kids being with her 50% of the time? BPD is not situational or circumstantial, and someone with BPD has been psychologically unstable and likely even dangerous since youth and across various circumstances.

[Jrdinvt]

Let's say she does have BPD. I am not sure she does - but she seems to fit the Dx. She has never ever been "crazy" with the kids. Sure, she verbally has gone off on me, and she's put hands on me (nothing damaging to me), but she'd never do anything to the kids. She'd take her herself to an I/P facility before she ever did that.

 

I don't want you all to think she's that far gone. She's not.

[Downtown]

Junior, my experience is that a high functioning BPDer may do a very good job in raising young children because they don't trigger her abandonment fear or the engulfment fear. When the kids reach adolescence, however, that situation can change greatly as the kids become rebellious and invalidating.

[Jrdinvt]

Good advice downtown. That may very well happen with my two as they age. I'll be here for them if so, and will greet them with open arms!!

 

I screwed up tonight folks. I went into her room and "snuggled" or tried to. I was rejected, which caused me to retreat to my bedroom. But what a failure. This holiday timeframe is a confusing one. Damn.

[Jrdinvt]

It's the next am and I feel like last nights moment of weakness just sucked for my wellbeing. It was following a good family party - and I guess I read her wrong - and drank some beer. Ugh.

 

Back to the thick boundaries.

[Jrdinvt]

Christmas is over and I am marching to the beat of 2015 already. My wife came to me and told me how lucky she was to have me in her life and how I am a wonderful father to the children etc.

 

Want to know why?

 

My youngest was sick all christmas and the following days. My wife has a phobia of vomiting so she stays away when that starts. I take care of it. I sleep with him (she feels I need to in case he needs me - but I think it's because it helps with her anxiety.)

 

Her anxiety is so high she told me many times she needs to get checked in somewhere. She feels like she just cant take it. She has been praying (and that's good) but is frustrated nothing has changed...he's still sick with a virus and she's still crazy anxious. So keeping me around right not must be the only option.

 

I am telling her she needs to seek help. However, she is the only one who can make it happen.

[Mr. Lucky]

What's the next step in your legal process? And how long til you actually separate?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jrdinvt]

Hi Mr. Lucky,

 

We are coming up with the funds for the attorney. Waiting until after the new year. Though she is doing yoyo emotions now.

 

We have been living in the same house since we said we "seperated". In my state that still meets the 6month requirement - we could be divorced in 3 months.

[Jrdinvt]

Well the soon to be ex wife is on a solo vacation with her friends. Last time she has the crazy encounter with a female stripper - came come paniced over a herp scare. It was nothing - but freaks her out. Can't say she didn't deserve it.

 

Here I am with my kidos have a good time. We are planning fun for New Years. Should be good. What a crazy world. Had a great therapy apt last week, and my therapist again asked me what I wanted/needed. Asking me to put myself (desires) before others. Still I have a hard time answering that question. But it has me thinking!

[Jrdinvt]

Damn this situation!

 

The soon to be ex wife has been so anxious and deoressed she can hardly function. She (I found out today) was headed to speak with an attorney 1:1, but had to cancel because she was ill. Well - her sister was helping her and giving her advice - but I guess freaked when she cancelled and went to the doctor instead and received a diagnosis of depression. Apparently the sister thought Id use it against her. Listen, I am not out to blow her life up. So I don't even think like that...

 

But who does she call and talk to about this damn situation - ME! So...I tell her to speak with her doctor and get help for her. I tell her she's sick. She's not herself. She's anxious. She's depressed. I then tell her to table the damn divorce talk until she is better (physical and mentally). I then tell her if she complains anymore about wanting to kill herself or whatever I am taking her to the emergency room. I am DONE with this crap. She agrees - but still treats me like ass.

 

honestly, I don't care how she treats me because it no longer affects me. But what in the hell is going on? I feel like I am on some sick TV show.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Jrdinvt

[Downtown]

The soon to be ex wife has been so anxious and depressed she can hardly function.... what in the hell is going on?

If she has strong BPD traits, Junior, the anxiety and depression are to be expected. Likewise, rapid flips in moods are to be expected occasionally. With respect to female BPDers, 81% of them have a co-occurring anxiety disorder, 80% also have a mood disorder, and 36% also have major depressive disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

[Jrdinvt]

I am exhausted. I have just had it with the whole deal. I just don't understand her - I never will - and now I don't care. I need this to end.

[Jrdinvt]

Bit of an update:

 

Still living together. I've seen an lawyer and so has she. Now we are seeing a mediator. Damn this all. We have so much debt it's nearly too much to get a divorce. She's looking for a fulltime job, as she makes so much less than I do. I wonder how long I'll be on the hook for alimony. I am going to go for 50:50 for the kido time, so I am hoping I do not have to pay that to her too.

 

She wants me to keep our home, but I can't do that and pay her a ton of cash. This is going to suck bad.

[Downtown]

JRD, thanks for returning to give us an update on your situation. I'm glad to hear you're still moving toward independence. As I discussed in post #16 above, it is EXTREMELY difficult for us excessive caregivers to walk away from a toxic marriage, even when our spouse is exhibiting very childish behavior. It is so easy for us to get addicted to the good times.

[Radu]

OP, is your SIL normal or ... also of the funny farm persuasion ?

 

I get a feeling that not playing with a full deck sorta runs in the family.

[Radu]

OP, is your SIL normal or ... also of the funny farm persuasion ?

 

I get a feeling that not playing with a full deck sorta runs in the family.

 

PS: I don't know if DT told you this [or your therapist] but being an accomodating welcome mat [enabler] is more of a spectrum thing.

Saying 'enough' after 10yrs shows you have some spine.

There are others who never say quit ... they may get dumped around the 17-18yr mark by the BPD-er or they may end up with them a lifetime.

So take some damn pride in that and how far you have come over the last few months.

[Jrdinvt]

JRD, thanks for returning to give us an update on your situation. I'm glad to hear you're still moving toward independence. As I discussed in post #16 above, it is EXTREMELY difficult for us excessive caregivers to walk away from a toxic marriage, even when our spouse is exhibiting very childish behavior. It is so easy for us to get addicted to the good times.

 

Thanks, DT. I am still pushing along. I am trying to not let her get away with too much when it will come down to spousal payments and other forms of support. But I just want her ass gone from my life. (As much as she can be being we have children together). As each day goes by she reminds me of how cruel she can be.

[Jrdinvt]

OP, is your SIL normal or ... also of the funny farm persuasion ?

 

I get a feeling that not playing with a full deck sorta runs in the family.

 

PS: I don't know if DT told you this [or your therapist] but being an accomodating welcome mat [enabler] is more of a spectrum thing.

Saying 'enough' after 10yrs shows you have some spine.

There are others who never say quit ... they may get dumped around the 17-18yr mark by the BPD-er or they may end up with them a lifetime.

So take some damn pride in that and how far you have come over the last few months.

 

Thanks for the post, Radu!

 

The SIL is nearly normal - whatever normal means. However, it's an emotional playground at times with the family. It seems most of her family care about me and hope everyone ends up well - but I am sure this may attempt to take a turn onwards crazy town from time to time.

 

Bring on divorce! I want out, and it cannot come soon enough!!!

[Radu]

She is blood ... you can bet they will stick with her if push comes to shove.

 

Plus ... do they see her dysfunction or are they blind to it ?

[Jrdinvt]

She is blood ... you can bet they will stick with her if push comes to shove.

 

Plus ... do they see her dysfunction or are they blind to it ?

 

Oh heck yes! They see it - but they forgive it. They are blood and I'll never try to sway that support away from her to me. She will need support since I will no longer be supporting her. She's a train that will soon derail. She wishes me gone, and I am going to grant her that wish. I do not want to be with her one single bit. I tried and hoped things would improve for far too long.

 

Bring it on.

[Jrdinvt]

This next week we sit with a mediator. I simply cannot wait to get this going. I know it's going to suck, but let's get the suck over with. I have some happiness to live!

[Jrdinvt]

First meeting with the mediator / attorny is over. It went well. It was a meeting that felt more like a business deal than anything else. There was little emotion, and lots of information about splitting up assets and debt.

 

We agreed we would be 50:50 on the children, and that was my only concern.

 

It was a major step in the right direction and a step closer to freedom. Words cannot discribe how mixed my emotions are. I am so thankful to be moving forward, but I also am extremely disappointed as the thought of a happy family I wished to have is gone. At least with it's current definition I am used to.

 

On to the next page in this chapter.

 

Thanks for the support!

[Downtown]

JRD, thanks for giving us another update. I'm glad to hear the mediation went well, in the sense that you achieved your primary objective (50% custody). I'm also glad to hear you now have that "sucky" event behind you. Like you, I felt enormous relief at the conclusion of the mediation and signing of the agreement because it was the main event and the subsequent finalization of the divorce in court was more minor. Best wishes to you!