So many questions - is it over? Should I end it?

[BearMox]

OP you're giving men a good name.

 

It warms my heart to see people be mature and equitable in a divorce. Its not easy.

 

If you have any ideas on how to be a force for recovery for someone who's life is unravelling (like your STBXW), I'd love to hear them.

[Jrdinvt]

Bearmox - support for the female in a divorce? Well, my case is different, just like all cases are. But, I'd suggest not having anyone else in the picture at all. It's a complex emotional nightmare on it's own. Clouding it further would only make the suck factor higher and cause everyone to lose more.

 

Find a healthy release for stress - music, long drive, yoga, etc. family if you can...but vent to a therapist. Not your family. It keeps things more nutural.

 

Be true to you and ALWAYS take the high road. Material items are not important, really.

 

Most important - let go.

[Jrdinvt]

Hard night. Not for any real reason. The ups and downs still come and go - but I am not down often. Yet, tonight I am sitting in the bathroom as my 5 year old plays in the tub and I just had tears fill my eyes. Seems the ache comes in the oddest moments.

 

I'll be ok. We all will.

 

One foot in front of the other.

[Jrdinvt]

Well boyz and girls - I am doing great! Second meeting with the mediator went OK.

 

My offer to her through this process as been a spousal maintenance and child support of 2K per month for 5 years, or 24K per year. After five years (we were married 10) the maintenance stops and I continue with support (225/mo). Currently.

 

She is starting a new job which will give her 37K and my job pays 125K. These are all gross numbers.

 

She takes one house (in the same town) and has that home which has no real equity. I take the other home (huge in comparison) and pay her 25K too buy out equity. She also gets half of my 401K. Because I don't have the 25K in cash for the equity buy out - I am offering 50K total from my 401K.

 

That's the offer - attorney/mediator said that seemed good and she should consider it. She has a bit - but thinks she's getting "screwed". We go back April 8th.

[Jrdinvt]

I should add - due to mortgage debt and auto, this leaves each of us with little to nothing. So there is no surplus in either side.

[Downtown]

JRD, I'm glad to hear you're still doing so well and are holding strong. I'll be even happier when I hear that April 8 is behind you!

[Jrdinvt]

Update:

 

We met again and as stated above my offer was still on the table. However...she no like my offer.... ( said like that on purpose)

 

Here's the new deal she wants:

 

1500 / month maintenance

225 / month child support.

 

Half my 401k

 

To assume old property / home. No equity in this property.

 

35K which is half of the "assumed" equity in the home I will retain. Ps: the market is crap here, and I don't know what the true equity is. But she wants this 35K and she wants it right away.

 

We have no savings for this. So I suggested I sell the property and we split the profit or the loss. She flipped and said I could not sell because the children love it here (I agree, and I do not want to sell).

 

She then told me to go ask my parents for a loan of 35K and I could pay them back. So...my parents will not do that, and I think it's BS to ask. I could sell other assets (vehicles) and make some money to pay her, but again it's not on a real true value.

 

Granted she needs cash to furnish the other home, but I told her to take whatever she wanted (that's not from my family), and that was a no. Then she told me she needed all new stuff. The lawyer / mediator asked how much she needs and now she has to go "shopping" for how much it would cost.

 

I still suggest she takes the 401k, and cashes out some. She does not want the taxes or the penalty. I understand that.

 

WTF. It was the worst day. Now what...we will see.

[Downtown]

JRD, I'm sorry to hear that the mediation is dragging on -- no doubt at great cost because the salaries of three attorneys (including the mediator) are involved. When my exW and I went through that process, I was paying about a combined $750/hour for all three of them. If your W is a BPDer as you suspect, she likely will be very vindictive and will feel cheated and screwed no matter how much money you throw at her. As you know all too well, a BPDer has such intense feelings that they constitute "reality" and "facts" to her.

[Jrdinvt]

I agree, downtown. Now my family is even "evil" because they will not front me money for a payout to her. It's like a crazy movie.

 

If she has BPD (as we assume) it makes total sense. She's like a black hole looking for happiness. She gets and gets and gets, but still not happy. Then she blames all the people who are around her or gave to her.

 

Tired of it. I am taking a stand on this one. I am happy to give what is deserved, but I will give nothing more. It's only fair.

[Jrdinvt]

Well yesterday she sends me texts about how my family is brainwashing me into not giving her money. I tell her that it's simply not true. She then says we are going to court and the mediator will call me and let me know. However, I still have not heard this from the mediator / attorney (it's one person).

 

Then she tells me she told the mediator how much money I needed to come up with right away - and that's 10K. I am waiting to find out if I will still need to pay 22K additional for the precieved equity in my home. The 10k would allow her to furnish the house she will furnishing.

[Downtown]

JRD, please keep in mind that the mediator's objective is to obtain "a deal," a resolution to the disputes -- not necessarily one that is fair to you. If you want professional advice on what you're entitled to, you should speak with your own attorney because he will be ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. An hour or two of such advice may be well worth the expense. You also may obtain some good advice from the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

[Jrdinvt]

Downtown - you're a good person. Thanks for walking through this valley of death with me.

 

I have a meeting next week with my own attorney. I just need to let him know my feelings and see what advice he can give me. He's been in the background the whole time, so we will see what he comes up with.

 

I'll check out the book, but honestly, I can't take much more of this topic. I feel like its consumed 98% of my brain power. I can't wait to defrag my brain after this with stress reduction methods.

 

?

[Jrdinvt]

So I said no to her deal...

 

1700 maintenance 5 years

300 child support

Half 401k

32K of the "equity" in the home I will retain. 10k upfront.

She moves into the other home.

 

 

If I had the cash I still would not do the equity deal. I think it's garbage. She's going off a bank appraisal from a few years back on a home equity loan. She argues she needs that for the kids. She's doing all this for the kids. Bla Bla Bla.

 

i told her I am good with everything but the equity, but I'll do a loan of 10K for her to furnish the other home.

 

So, she got more angry. The problem is I feel the equity isn't real and homes are not selling anywhere near the appraised value here.

 

Sadly my attorney cancelled yesterday due to some schedule issue, so I had to go out on my own and address these demands. I hope to meet with him this week.

 

What a total mess. She did call me some very very bad things as I left her roo

(As we are still I'm the same house)

 

Yuck

[Downtown]

What a total mess.... we are still I'm the same house.... Yuck

Yuck, indeed! JRD, as long as you remain in the same house with a hostile woman you suspect is a BPDer, you are at risk of her having you arrested on a bogus charge -- as happened to me.

 

I'll check out the book, but honestly, I can't take much more of this topic.

JRD, I certainly can understand your getting sick of reading anything more about BPD. That book, however, gives practical divorce advice to spouses involved with any high-conflict divorce where they are trying to leave a vindictive, irrational spouse. Before reading it, it may be worth your while to check the reviews at BigRiver or other online booksellers to see if most readers actually found the advice useful during the nasty divorce process. I found one review, for example, that says:

Decades ago the hot-button threats by disordered spouses were claiming you were a closet homosexual or having an affair. These days such allegations are ho-hum and ignored in most courts. What has replaced them? Claims of DV (against the spouse) and child neglect, abuse or molestation. Why? To unfairly gain advantage or keep the upper hand in the court's custody and parenting decisions. Those are extreme hot-button issues and agencies are just waiting for a call to jump into action, this is the one time where the allegation is presumed valid at first and the presumption of innocence is set aside at first. An innocent spouse or parent (you) can be arrested and charged with some very serious offenses.

[beach]

I'd say no to all of her demands.

 

Pay her the child support. Ask the court to assess how much she's capable of earning each month. Tell her to get a JOB and earn the money herself.

 

I'd also look into what amount of the 401k you've earned while married. She shouldn't get half of it - she should/possibly get half of what you earned while married.

 

If needed request 100% custody of the kids and tell her to take a hike.

 

She's being completely unreasonable... Don't agree to anything more than needed. First up = she gets a full time job!

 

It's terrible watching these pampered wives walk away and feel entitled to so much. She wants divorced? She should start figuring out how SHE can support HERSELF by working!

 

She sounds like a spoiled brat! Be glad to have her removed from your daily life.

 

As a side note if she ends up with the other house...she should have to pay you what money you'd normally be making from rent money. It was your house in your name, right?

[Jrdinvt]

Yuck, indeed! JRD, as long as you remain in the same house with a hostile woman you suspect is a BPDer, you are at risk of her having you arrested on a bogus charge -- as happened to me.

 

Daaamn. I sure hope my stbxw does not do that to me. Sounds like you were on a harder ride than I was. Too bad us "fixers" are so good at finding broken items. I sure have learned a great deal. I am no where close to finding another woman - but when I am ready (long from now) I am going to be watching for red flags left and right.

[Jrdinvt]

I'd say no to all of her demands.

 

well she get her own job. She is earning more, and now working full time. I feel this is good for her, and she said she did it so I would need to pay her less - which may be true, but if that was the case (if she cared) she would not be pushing for so much imo.

[Jrdinvt]

Told the children yesterday. It went better than I thought, but is was still one of the hardest (if not the hardest) moments of my life.

 

I've been working with school councillors so they know, and I have a nice book to read to them to help them understand these changes.

 

Tuff stuff gang.

[Downtown]

JRD, telling the children sounds very painful, indeed. Am glad to hear you got that milestone behind you -- and that it was a bit less wrenching than you had anticipated.

[Jrdinvt]

Thank you downtown!

 

Negotiations continue as we still don't have agreement. Now she want alimony for six years, another 5k in cash and a tiny bit more from the 401k.

 

I told the mediator he needs to try harder as I'm nearly ready to toss in the towel and liquidate everything.

 

She's one crazy ticked off woman. I feel like she's asking for outlandish measures. It's all about her, for sure. "It's for the kids", she says. Right, sure it is.

 

I'll not bend, and I'll not break. I tried to make her happy for years. It's not my job to fill up the bottomless pit.

[ArtIsMyThing]

Can you not just liquidate and bring an end to this.

 

Sounds very painful . I am sorry your experiencing this.

[Downtown]

JRD, in addition to the book and two online articles I mentioned, there is a message board on "Family Law, Divorce, and Custody" at BPDfamily.com that may offer good tips on how to handle the divorce/mediation/custody process. There are hundreds of "Nons" posting there who have been -- or are now going through -- the very same ugly process you are suffering (i.e., divorcing a BPDer while trying to retain as much child custody as possible). To be able to participate in or read threads in that message board, you would have to first join by registering. That same forum also has seven other message boards on various issues arising in BPDer relationships.

[Jrdinvt]

we have n agreement. I feel we both compromised and that's what needed to happen. I sure as hell hope it all goes to plan.

 

Everything was pushed into high gear when my soon to be ex and I received an email from out attorney / mediator telling us that he was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He then said he was retired effective that day. A massive blow which put so much in perspective.

 

Get it done. I called her up and like that we were done.

 

1700 alimony (60 months)

300 child support (50:50)

15000 cash to her.

 

I keep kids on my benefit pkg.

 

She gets our smaller home, I get our bigger home.

 

Case closed. Not for co-parenting.

 

I gotta say - I feel like my brain dropped in RPM big time.

[Downtown]

Congratulations, JRD. Am glad to hear you finally got it done, and were able to do so without capitulating to her recent excessive demands.

[Jrdinvt]

Thanks downtown. Thanks for all the help.

 

I'm happy I keep my home and other assets. What a horrible process this all was - but now it's over. ?

 

She is suppose to be out by June 1st, but I hope it's sooner because living together is extremely awkward and stressful. The sooner she takes her boarderline ways away from me the better. Time for the healing to begin! I can't wait!