Concerns with Girlfriends 'close' male friends

[Mitza]

G'day all,

 

This is my first post in this forum, my apologises if I have placed it in the wrong thread! I would like some advice on a situation im currently facing.

 

My girlfriend has a few close male friends. Now, ill admit - I can be the jealous type, but I dont' go green with envy. These males have been an important part of my girlfriends life in the past, long before I knew her. For positive reasons and negative. They got her through difficult times in her life (as good friends do) and I guess, showed her 'other' aspects of life that I do not agree with - nor does she anymore thankgod. Regaadless, they obviously have spent a great deal of time with her and she values it very highly.

 

I came into the picture and we have a great relationship. Been together now for just over 1.5 years and yeah we have our little tiffs, but nothing serious - except now. I really dislike her spending time with these male friends of the past. But its not so much the fact that they are together, but what they do.

 

Every now and then, she will get a call or she'll call one of them to 'catch up.' No worries. But is it nessecary for them to catch up at a nice resturant, where always the male friend pays? Im not talking a family resturant here, it has to be a nice Italian or thai resturant, where basically you would take someone on a first date. It has never been a trust issue, I trust my girlfriend very much, but I dont trust these male friends - or what they may try and convince her.

 

I have no problem with her going out with them for a coffee, a drink etc. but everytime it has to be a really awesome and intimate venue and it really makes me feel like crap - especilly when its always the other male paying. Of course, there are also the random sms' to say hi, and catch up too and it just adds to my concerns.

 

She feels its OK to tell these guys that she loves them and misses them heaps too. Is there only one type of love? Am I over reacting? I would never do it to her (go out with female friends on an intimate one on one basis) and she knows Im not going to stop her, and she knows that it makes me upset. At the same time, I do not want to put up boundaries on our relationship. Thoughts, Suggestions?

[Merin]

First.. YES there is more than one kind of love.

 

There is romantic Love.. which I will assume you have with your GF.

There is Friendship Love.. when you love (in a caring way) your friends and care about thier well being.

There is Love for Family.. Parents, siblings, children etc...

 

When you say you trust your GF but you don't trust her male friends.. bottomline IMO is this.. IF you trust your GF and she hasn't given you reason to mistrust her (lying, cheating, the usual *fun sh*t) then you need to trust her to make good choices and use good judgement in who she chooses to be friends with and how far those relationships go.. keeping in mind NOBODY can make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

 

Perhaps it's time to find some compromise here so that both of you feel secure.. let her know it bothers you for her to attend dinner with these male friends in a one on one enviroment where the guy friend is paying.. that in your mind that is a date not a friendly get together... there needs to be some compromise so that both of you are getting what you need here to feel secure and respected.

[Mitza]

Thankyou for clearning up your definition of 'love' for me.

 

My gf has never cheated on me (not that I know of! and Im sure she never would). If anything, she has only lied to me once, again, in relation to one of her guy friends. I had taken my gf out in the city - an expensive night which consisted of a nice dinner, and then seeing Harry Conick Jr playing at the Sydney Opera House (quiet romantic too). there was no special occasion, and thought it would be night if i took her out. as bf's do! Anyways, sometime during that night, she sent an sms to one of her male friends saying that she was at Harry Conick Jr concert and that she loves him and misses him very much. I only found out about this because i happened to read the sms on her phone. It really hurt me knowing that while out with me, on a really awesome night, she was thinking of someone else - and using that kinda lanuage. Am I still over-reacting?!?

 

She knows how I feel about her seeing her male friends on a one to one basis and in such an environment. She knows I do not like it, but does it anyways. She does not want to feel like im putting up barriers, or walls and im still letting her be herself. As long as she is happy, thats all that matters - but in the end, it upsets me. I know she will not change her ways, and know, when she is out with these guys, she tells me she has a **** night because she feels guilty knowing how it makes me feel - regardless, it wont stop her. And I dont want it to, I just want it done differently. Arrgghh! What to do!

 

Does it also make any difference that the guys in mention all have had feelings for my gf in the past, and im sure it was the same for her?

[Podna]

Originally posted by Merin

When you say you trust your GF but you don't trust her male friends.. bottomline IMO is this.. IF you trust your GF and she hasn't given you reason to mistrust her (lying, cheating, the usual *fun sh*t) then you need to trust her to make good choices and use good judgement in who she chooses to be friends with and how far those relationships go.. keeping in mind NOBODY can make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you on this one Merin. The reason I disagree is as follows:

 

Men and women are not the same. Equality, in the literal scene of the word, is a nonsensical joke. Men and women perceive the world very differently. Men can manipulate and take advantage of women and do every day. If you don’t believe that, just go over to the OM/OW forums and do some reading. This is not to say that men are superior or inferior. Women do their fair share of manipulation as well. So I can completely understand a man being more than a little concerned by the examples given in this thread. He may trust his GF as much as any man can, but she could still be vulnerable to manipulation and trickery as many women and men are.

 

Originally posted by Merin

Perhaps it's time to find some compromise here so that both of you feel secure.. let her know it bothers you for her to attend dinner with these male friends in a one on one enviroment where the guy friend is paying.. that in your mind that is a date not a friendly get together... there needs to be some compromise so that both of you are getting what you need here to feel secure and respected.

This is good advice.

 

The only thing that I would add is to be sure you approach the topic of her friends VERY carefully. If her friends have helped her as much as she claims them to have, she may take any hint of improper motive for these men friends of hers as a personal assault. Women can be very defensive when it comes to their ‘guy’ friends. Be warned.

 

I don't know... sounds scary to me my friend.

[Mitza]

I read this is another thread, coming from a female:

 

Friends; how many of us have them? Most of you, I'm sure. But what about those male

"friends"? Those suave cats who seem to know just what to say at the right time. The one your man gets teed-

off at because he seems to be poppin' up -- a lot! It's fine to have a friend, but believe me, there is always

(and I mean always) a motive behind the male friend's actions. If you want to remain friends with him, here's

are a few rules that you ought to take heed of at the first sign that your friendship is taking a toll on your relationship.

 

Don't sharkfeed

 

Men are like sharks surrounding your boat and waiting for it to sink. As soon as your man drops the ball on his

relationship responsibilities, "the friend," who is waiting on the sidelines, is warming up to be the game saver.

See, the less your man does for you, the more the "friend" is ready to be the shoulder for you to cry on. At the

first shedding of a tear, the friend hits the rear and is in there. So watch it.

 

Know your limits

 

Whether your friendship goes beyond that is ultimately up to you. While 90% of men have intentions to lay the smack down, it will only go down if you allow him to psychologically chisel through you piece by piece. Don't allow your friendship to get misconstrued or lose sight of the fact that he may be hiding his true intentions for more.

 

Cut the convo

 

Suggestive conversation will lead to suggestive behavior. In his eyes, a little T.M.I. (Too Much Info) can lead to

a little T & A, so you might wanna think carefully about what you're about to say before entering into conversations on provocative subjects, such as sex. Just because he's great at listening, does not mean you should discuss everything with your "friend." Keep it clean.

 

Don't call me: I'll call you

 

Speaking of life, does your friend have one? One that doesn't revolve around you? If so, then he should lead it. Unless he is calling about his house being on fire, there's no reason for you to take calls from him while you are spending time with your mate. Don't blame us for getting iggy if your "friend" calls during the most awkward times. He shouldn't be calling you 24/7 anyway. Set some boundaries.

 

When you least expect it, expect it

 

Becoming too accustomed to your male friend can also lead to you getting attached and even attracted to this guy who never seems to get on your nerves, always says the right things, usually does the right thing. Watch for the signs.

[Podna]

All good advice, but in most cases it’s a pure waste of breath/ink/bandwidth. Most women don’t want to believe that their best guy friend may just be a shark waiting to pounce at the right moment. Another problem is there is no way to truly know what his intensions are. He most assuredly isn’t going to come clean about them if he is a shark. They just trust them blindly and then they end up posting in the infidelity forums. It is such a shame that we can dilute ourselves about such things.

[Devildog]

Well Podna, you have to remember, this time, situation, guy, is different than every other case. Funny how everyone assumes they are that .000000001%. Someone has to make up the 99.999999999%. Yes, you really can be a part of the majority ladies.

[Xerxes1986]

read this:

 

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

 

 

basically it says that it is impossible for a guy and a girl to be "just friends" because the guy is always wanting more....with a FEW exceptions (hes gay, ur ugly etc)

[ReluctantRomeo]

Hmmm. I have to say that I'm with Merin on this one - love does not have to be sexual. I have several close female platonic friends where neither side has any interest in anything more.

 

However, there is an etiquette to such relationships, as Mitza rightly points out. Especially when she has a man. I'm very careful to play by the rules and that is the real issue here: are these guys playing fair?

[greenhorn]

I totally agree with the anxiety of Mitza and I find that I would be thinking like him in the first palce.

 

My experience shows that these male friends are always wanting to be bf's.

 

The worst part is that if you confront your GF with this she would say that you are restricting her freedom. And now I seriously think where lies the dividing line between Freedom & Cheating? Most of the time it is very thin of blurred.

[westernxer]

At least she's telling you about these guys, but I doubt their intentions are pure. I doubt her intentions as well, since she obviously relishes in her "dates" with all her potential suitors.

 

Guys don't take girls out to a nice restaurant for nothing... there's always an ulterior motive. If she were feeling guilty, then why doesn't she just put a stop to it altogether? Because you let her get away with it.

 

You better watch out, and tell your girl to stay away from them. I wouldn't put up with this, and you shouldn't either.

 

You may want to reconsider this relationship. I'm telling you, you're in for a world of hurt. Trust your gut on this one, or you're gonna regret it.

 

Just wait and see.

 

It happens all the time.

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by westernxer

At least she's telling you about these guys, but I doubt their intentions are pure. I doubt her intentions as well, since she obviously relishes in her "dates" with all her potential suitors.

 

Guys don't take girls out to a nice restaurant for nothing... there's always an ulterior motive. If she were feeling guilty, then why doesn't she just put a stop to it altogether? Because you let her get away with it.

 

You better watch out, and tell your girl to stay away from them. I wouldn't put up with this, and you shouldn't either.

 

You may want to reconsider this relationship. I'm telling you, you're in for a world of hurt. Trust your gut on this one, or you're gonna regret it.

 

Just wait and see.

 

It happens all the time.

 

 

I totally agree with 'Westernxer' every word of it.Go by your gut feeling man and most of the time it is true.Gals always likes to have lot of potential suitors for them just to pump their ego..

[blind_otter]

This sucks - there is an entire 50% of the population that I am not allowed to associate with because I have a vagina???

 

And I suppose I have to sit on the other side of the church, and cover my body head to toe in a veil. And I am only allowed to associate with other women, and I am unclean when I have my period and have to go sit in the menstrual hut?

 

I deal with men better than I deal with women. I get along better with men than I get along with women. It's just how I am.....

[greenhorn]

There is a difference between dealing with men and hobnobbing with them

 

There is a difference between catching up with your male frnds and going out for a dinner in an intimate location.

 

There is a difference between sitting with your bf in a theatre watching a moive and missing your male friends the same time.

 

and lastly

 

there is a difference between FREEDOM and CHEATING

[westernxer]

And I suppose I have to sit on the other side of the church, and cover my body head to toe in a veil.

 

You can wear a negligee if it's more comfortable. I asked the priest and he said it'd be alright.

 

By the way, guys are vultures, and I bet their friendship with you is more than just a platonic coincidence, even though they won't come out and say it. "Harry Met Sally" says it all, unless the guy is gay to begin with.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by greenhorn

There is a difference between dealing with men and hobnobbing with them

 

There is a difference between catching up with your male frnds and going out for a dinner in an intimate location.

 

There is a difference between sitting with your bf in a theatre watching a moive and missing your male friends the same time.

 

and lastly

 

there is a difference between FREEDOM and CHEATING

 

Yeah well last time I checked cheating involved like being emotionally involved with someone else.

 

But maybe I'm just fugly so none of my male friends think that way about me. Or maybe we are civilized human beings that can be sexually attracted to someone without acting on it. I dunno.

 

My ex, the psycho stalker, he would get SO PISSED at me for talking on the phone to my friends. Because I am not one of those who believes I should get all my fulfillment from one person, and women just don't seem to like me very much, they get catty and competitive with me, so I just don't associate with them.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by blind_otter

I deal with men better than I deal with women. I get along better with men than I get along with women. It's just how I am.....

 

You know, I wonder if that is because your guy "friends" might be telling you what you want to hear in the hopes of increasing their chances of getting a "friends with benefits" package?. Could they be nicer because there is something they want.......? Hmmmmm

[d'Arthez]

Like I said in a previous thread, with a similar topic: Everybody thinks everybody else thinks and acts in the same way as themselves. Sometimes beause of own past hurts, and sometimes by own past behavior.

 

Are you applying the same logic as consitently in your views about strip bars, stripping et cetera?

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Yeah well last time I checked cheating involved like being emotionally involved with someone else.

 

 

Yeah getting emotionally involved starts with that freedom to catch up with them and having dinner in an intimate location.You spend time with a dog and you would start loving that dog.And getting emotionally involved can't be stopped by rationality.

 

Because I am not one of those who believes I should get all my fulfillment from one person

 

This is the first step to cheating and heavily smell like that.

 

When it comes to ex I tell you my story, I thought it was freedom when she was catching up with her male friends and slowly slowly, spending time with them increased and with me lessened, then started comparison they are so and so and you are so and so and finally when I checked her emails she was cheating me with them.

 

So now you know where I am coming from

[westernxer]

...getting emotionally involved can't be stopped by rationality.

 

I agree 100 percent. Emotional attachment is where it usually starts.

[blind_otter]

So like I said, then that makes it so that no men can be friends with women and vice versa??

 

That eradicates like 75% of my friends.

[westernxer]

You're either friends or "friends." Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but not in the case poor Mitza here, who's getting juked out of his socks by his attention-starved girlfriend.

 

Milk of human kindness only goes down so far... those guys are predators, cut and dried.

[greenhorn]

Originally posted by blind_otter

So like I said, then that makes it so that no men can be friends with women and vice versa??

 

That eradicates like 75% of my friends.

 

 

It depends on how you seek the friendship and where you limit the friendship.

 

If you are seeking the friendship for fulfilling some of the needs that are not satisfied from your SO then it will lead to cheating. Secondly,

 

If you allow the friendship to go a little towards the emotional side then you won't be able to check it and it will lead to cheating.A little means you start the friendship after getting attracted towards the personality etc...

 

Now we all are human so not ideal.If you can behave idealistically and in text book manner you can be friends with other gender but again we are not ideal.

[Mitza]

Originally posted by westernxer

You're either friends or "friends." Of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but not in the case poor Mitza here, who's getting juked out of his socks by his attention-starved girlfriend.

 

 

Back up on that point westernxer, no need for personal attacks on a person you know nothing about - my gf is anything but attention starved! I look after her and give her anything that she wants and needs. Physcial, emmtional, mental etc etc etc. But that is not the issue nor question raised in this thread. Everyones post in here are very valid....... its just a difficult scenerio - I guess it comes down to personal preference/choice. One person may think its fine, while another does not. Getting the balance here is the key, because its clear from all these posts, there is no right or wrong answer. And in today's changing society and morale expectations, everyone is so different.

[westernxer]

Who said I was attacking her? Just telling the truth, that's all.

 

You're just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, which is understandable since you have feelings for her. Naturally you'd want to defend her, even though she's gonna break your heart.

 

Listen to your gut, not your heart.

 

The End.