Author Mitza Posted March 10, 2005 Author Share Posted March 10, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Who said I was attacking her? Just telling the truth, that's all. I see your point, but you don't even know her to be making such a judgement. Pass judgement on the FACTS that I have provided you with, not on assumptions. And yes, Im listening to my heart, thus I started this topic seeking other peoples suggestions/view points on MY concern. Not why you may think my gf is acting like this. Its happening, end of story - Im seeking advice on how to change it, not the causes. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 10, 2005 Share Posted March 10, 2005 You said enough about her to paint a picture... but we all know people like that, so no need to elaborate. I think you know the answer to your problem... you're just afraid to assert yourself because you don't want to lose her. I've seen it all before, and I couldn't care less about the cause of it. The cause is well documented. Nothing personal, but I see pain in your future, because you're afraid to put your foot down. Go ahead and prove me wrong... I couldn't care less. But I don't think you can. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Mitza Im seeking advice on how to change it, not the causes. You said yourself she knows it bothers you but she hasn't changed anything. What makes you think she ever will? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mitza Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 I don't! But maybe I am just approaching it the wrong way. Curious as to how other people would approach this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Mitza I don't! But maybe I am just approaching it the wrong way. Curious as to how other people would approach this situation. Mitza, if it suggest something I was in exactly the same situation as you.I always gave her freedom and never minded her male friends and later I found out that the friendship has took the shape of cheating me and I had been with her for 7 years(last 10 months fighting which was due to her male friends only). The easiest way is to be neutral and think for a moment as her male friend and all those things and now what are your expectation.Man you said you don't trust her male friends and I tell you if you start living with a dog you would start loving the dog. Ok now everything is cool, God forbid it but imagine you have one small fight with her and she meets one of her male friends to cry over his shoulder, male friend will give her consolation and would make her feel better.She would start thinking that her male frnd is so different from you caring and comforting and that is the start of the ticking of the time bomb. On a hind sight just try to find if you gf had any previous bf and if yes find why did it broke. What I mean to say is that if that also went off due to male friends then you can be sure of that happening with you. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Tell her to stop. Then leave if she doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mitza Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 You must be new to the game? You can't stop someone from being another person's friend! Espeically if that someone is your girlfriend. If you do, you won't have a girlfriend anymore. More to the point, you can't insist someone change for you - I would never ask that, nor expect it. Its simply doing the most, with the situation you have, working at it. Don't up and leave if it gets hard! Im not asking my gf to change for me, nor stop seeing other people she wants to see - I trust her, just not the guys she is seeing. And thats my point. How do I approach this situation in which I do not want her to change for me (especially seeing that would upset her) but want to know that I don't like the circumstances of meeting her friends? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 If you don't want her to change for you, and you're so worried about upsetting her, then what's the point of this thread? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 The thing I find so funny with these girls with mostly guy friend threads, the breakdown of responses. Ever notice how you never see a guy saying they can be friends with a girl without hoping for more? Seems like every guy on here knows what is going on. Why do the women here refuse to believe it is possible that their "friend" wants to be tappin that @$$? You have men telling you what men think in this situation! What further proof do you need? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog The thing I find so funny with these girls with mostly guy friend threads, the breakdown of responses. Ever notice how you never see a guy saying they can be friends with a girl without hoping for more? Seems like every guy on here knows what is going on. Why do the women here refuse to believe it is possible that their "friend" wants to be tappin that @$$? You have men telling you what men think in this situation! What further proof do you need? 100% correct devildog. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 If you don't want her to change for you, and you're so worried about upsetting her, then what's the point of this thread? Exactly. This guy's hopeless. I'm opting out of this thread as of now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mitza Posted March 11, 2005 Author Share Posted March 11, 2005 Cheers! So the useful suggestions will start now? Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Useful suggestions? You choose not to listen to advice. All the useful suggestions in the world won't help when you have a closed mind. Your GF claims to feel guilty about doing this, yet still continues to go out with these guy "friends" in dating situations. So she doesn't place you and your relationship as a higher priority than her "friends". Here is some more useless suggestions for you. Your GF has self-esteem issues and she needs the attention from as many guys as possible to feel good about herself. This isn't going to change. So if it is acceptable for you to continue as a distant 2nd to her other guy "friends" who boost her self-esteem, then keep living in la-la-land waiting for a shark attack. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 GAH!!! I have a lot of guy friends. Women are a pain in the ass. Even some of my female friends are gay! Thing is that we have well defined boundaries. YES, I do go out with my guy friends alone. Its not often but it happens. Mostly we are a group of friends. My honey, my guy friends, his girl friends etc. My honey and I share many many things in common, but we are individuals. So when something comes up that I am more interested in than him, I go with one of our friends. We are very open. We share all of our friends. There are clear boundaries, and not only will someone that crosses that line get it from me, and my honey, but they would get it from the rest of our group. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 RR, your situation is a bit different though. Your guy friends are shared friends between you and your SO. In this situation the guy "friends" are not his friends, he isn't invited to go along on these get-togethers (dates). He is being left out and not given a chance to evaluate the intentions of these other guys. Sorry, but that is shark tactics, plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 I don't know why girls are so closed on this and refuse to hear anything.Why they always compare freedom with this issue. How would they feel if their bf has lot of female-friends and he goes out with them alone to an intimate place for dinner and misses them while watching a movie with you.Now imagine what you feel and try to put all that concept of friendship...does this sounds comfortable. Now let me put a guy's perspective, if I have a GF to whom I am deeply committted to then only I would go out with some other girl and limit my relationship to friendship but if I am alone and looking and I have a female friend who goes out for dinner with me alone then I might not be able to control myself to think of only platonic friendship.I think most of the guys will agree to it and if not then I would label myself as pervert. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn I don't know why girls are so closed on this and refuse to hear anything.Why they always compare freedom with this issue. How would they feel if their bf has lot of female-friends and he goes out with them alone to an intimate place for dinner and misses them while watching a movie with you.Now imagine what you feel and try to put all that concept of friendship...does this sounds comfortable. Now let me put a guy's perspective, if I have a GF to whom I am deeply committted to then only I would go out with some other girl and limit my relationship to friendship but if I am alone and looking and I have a female friend who goes out for dinner with me alone then I might not be able to control myself to think of only platonic friendship.I think most of the guys will agree to it and if not then I would label myself as pervert. My advise. Respect the friendship and go home and beat off. I mean seriously, we all have thousands of thoughts a day we don't act on. I don't really care what my guy friends think or if they beat off thinking about me. I care how they behave around me, and that their behavior around me shows respect. Yes, my situation is different, but do we even know if he has made an effort to be friendly with these guys? Some of that responsibility lies with him. I am a nosey bitch. I have gotten to know all of my honey's female friends. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by Devildog The thing I find so funny with these girls with mostly guy friend threads, the breakdown of responses. Ever notice how you never see a guy saying they can be friends with a girl without hoping for more? Seems like every guy on here knows what is going on. Why do the women here refuse to believe it is possible that their "friend" wants to be tappin that @$$? You have men telling you what men think in this situation! What further proof do you need? You know, DD, it's hard for me to think this way because most of my friends ARE dudes. So to disengage myself from them would kinda leave me high and dry... Here's a question - what if all her friends were women who are lesbians? Same thing?? But I can't STAND ladies. Stupid conversations, blathering on about this and that. You know what? I hate shopping. I HATE IT. I shop online for a reason. I can sit there, pick what I want, and be done with it. I hate browsing. I hate wandering through malls/walmart/target looking at random things. I hate housework. I hate morning shows. I get my hair done like 4 times a year. The only vaguely feminine thing that I do is buy shoes obsessively. And what do you do if you try to hang with other chicks and they hate you? I am not a herd member. I refuse to go with the group. I've *tried* hanging out with other females and *they* don't like me! Am I supposed to be all lonely all the time? Am I supposed to get all my satisfaction from one relationship? I think that's the actual issue - can you or should you demand that a person get all their satisfaction from their romantic relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Am I supposed to get all my satisfaction from one relationship? I think that's the actual issue - can you or should you demand that a person get all their satisfaction from their romantic relationship? How about if you hubby says that he get physical satisfaction from you but for emotional satisfaction he needs to spend time alone with her female friend. Will this be acceptable to you ??? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn How about if you hubby says that he get physical satisfaction from you but for emotional satisfaction he needs to spend time alone with her female friend. Will this be acceptable to you ??? I'm not saying that, I'm saying - what are you supposed to expect from your friends? I mean, I just don't do the cuddling, physical contact thing, I talk to my romantic partners - but what AM I allowed to get or ask for from my friendships, then?? Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I'm not saying that, I'm saying - what are you supposed to expect from your friends? I mean, I just don't do the cuddling, physical contact thing, I talk to my romantic partners - but what AM I allowed to get or ask for from my friendships, then?? Ok yes I got your question ...I think if you are friend with a guy and dont want any romantic connotation to it then it should be like the friendships where you don't always have this in back of your mind that he is a guy. If your relationship has no effect whether the person is guy or grl and if your relationship started with the person irrespective of the gender of the person then it's ok. But the moment you get any satisfaction that has to do with his gender then it smacks of potential non-platonic relationship. So you are supposed to expect everything but any satisfaction that you are missing from your SO.What's the guarantee that you don't start finding that missing part as the most important thing and then leave your 'SO' and go for this person.This is not wrong per se but it is definitely alarming for the person who is your present 'SO'. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Ok - in respect to the original poster's questions I totally see this. I have no SO currently, but even when I did - the gender of my friends was always in the back of my mind because I was always walking on eggshells to make sure he didn't get mad at me. Of course, his attitude was, if she makes me upset, I will smack her upside the head, so I was ALWAYS walking on eggshells around him. Maybe my point is - if you GF is looking outside the relationship for emotional support or whatever, what are YOU doing to drive her away/not give her support/not be a good boyfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I'm not saying that, I'm saying - what are you supposed to expect from your friends? I mean, I just don't do the cuddling, physical contact thing, I talk to my romantic partners - but what AM I allowed to get or ask for from my friendships, then?? According to the logic offered in this thread: nothing. As every unmet need that is met by a 'friend' of the opposite sex, leads to infidelity. You are supposed to marry an extremely all-round man, BO. Absurd logic, to which I don't subscribe. Originally posted by greenhorn But the moment you get any satisfaction that has to do with his gender then it smacks of potential non-platonic relationship. I take it, you refer to a situation in which 2 people of different sexes and are heterosexuals. Otherwise watching football with your buddy might already become somewhat dubious. And the interesting question pops up: if a woman is highly interested in some 'masculine' activity, how do you determine if she is out to cheat, or is interested in the 'masculine' activity? Or if a man is actually interested in a 'feminine' thing? Originally posted by greenhorn So you are supposed to expect everything but any satisfaction that you are missing from your SO. Kind of makes the friendship pointless, if you may not derive any satisfaction from it. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Ok - in respect to the original poster's questions I totally see this. I have no SO currently, but even when I did - the gender of my friends was always in the back of my mind because I was always walking on eggshells to make sure he didn't get mad at me. Of course, his attitude was, if she makes me upset, I will smack her upside the head, so I was ALWAYS walking on eggshells around me. Maybe my point is - if you GF is looking outside the relationship for emotional support or whatever, what are YOU doing to drive her away/not give her support/not be a good boyfriend? Yes, I think with respect to the original poster's question this situation is definitely alarming.The girl is even not making sure that he should not feel bad.You should take care of the other's person feeling even if he is not gonna smack your head,that's the most important ingredient for any relationship, care for the other stake holders. and B_O your point that what are you doing to drive her away is definitely valid and one should think about it, but we all have limitations and can't change much.For e.g. I might be an intorvert person by nature and can't become extorvert for her so in that case if she goes to other male friends for seeking satisfaction on accout of this then this is alarming for me. I won't say that she was wrong in breaking up with me if this happens, but the question here is should I be upset due to her seeking satisfaction from other's or not.The answer is'YES'.Either you satisfy her or break away from her but her present action does gives feeling of cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 I think this comes down to whether or not there is a way to make a compromise. If there isn't then both partners have to ask themselves some serious questions. Can I get past this and feel ok about my girlfriend hanging with guy friends that I have no interest in meeting, or hanging out with (or she won't introduce us)? and Is this relationship important enough for me to give up these friendships that make him uncomfortable? In the end damn near everything is about respect. Link to post Share on other sites
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