tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Maybe my point is - if you GF is looking outside the relationship for emotional support or whatever, what are YOU doing to drive her away/not give her support/not be a good boyfriend? That's a cop out. That's like saying, "If your boyfriend knocked you out, what are YOU doing to upset him/not be a good girlfriend?" As for the male friends thing, yes, for the most part you ladies are totally oblivious to the swimming shark phenomenon. But, at the same time, I'm not saying that girls absolutely shouldn't have male friends. There is, however, a big difference between going with your bf to meet up with your guy friends for a few beers every so often, and text messaging a male friend while out alone with your bf on what should be a very romantic night, as in the case with the OP. Male-female friendships aren't wrong in and of themselves, but what the OP's gf has with her male "friends" are more than just innocent friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 But, at the same time, I'm not saying that girls absolutely shouldn't have male friends. There is, however, a big difference between going with your bf to meet up with your guy friends for a few beers every so often, and text messaging a male friend while out alone with your bf on what should be a very romantic night, as in the case with the OP. Male-female friendships aren't wrong in and of themselves, but what the OP's gf has with her male "friends" are more than just innocent friendships. You have hit the nail on the head 'Tanbark'. I completely agree and most of the time ppl ignore this thinking it might upset their GF but the end is always disastrous. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by greenhorn Yes, I think with respect to the original poster's question this situation is definitely alarming.The girl is even not making sure that he should not feel bad.You should take care of the other's person feeling even if he is not gonna smack your head,that's the most important ingredient for any relationship, care for the other stake holders. and B_O your point that what are you doing to drive her away is definitely valid and one should think about it, but we all have limitations and can't change much.For e.g. I might be an intorvert person by nature and can't become extorvert for her so in that case if she goes to other male friends for seeking satisfaction on accout of this then this is alarming for me. I won't say that she was wrong in breaking up with me if this happens, but the question here is should I be upset due to her seeking satisfaction from other's or not.The answer is'YES'.Either you satisfy her or break away from her but her present action does gives feeling of cheating. That just seems kind of childish. Like, for example, what if you are dating someone who likes....chess? and you don't play chess. Say you had some horrible experience with chess as a child and cannot stand the sight of the chess pieces. (this is a hypothetical situation, mind you) So, you demand, then, that your SO does NOT play chess, ever again - because YOU cannot play?? How is that fair? And then if she plays chess with her friends, you get jealous because you cannot play chess and you hate the fact that she plays chess with others, so that she can stay in a relationship with you and make you happy but still play chess??? You stated, that you might naturally be introverted, and can't become extroverted for her - and so her socializing is alarming. Well, then, it seems like there are essentialy incompatibilities that would prevent a future between the two of you, anyways. To use a real life example, I am very talkative and chatty. So, you are saying, I should only date other people who are equally as talkative as I am - basically I should only date those who are exactly as I am, because to associate with anyone who is remotely different from myself or my potential SO would be cheating behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 That's a cop out. That's like saying, "If your boyfriend knocked you out, what are YOU doing to upset him/not be a good girlfriend?" I don't think physical abuse is comparable at all to this situation. Having been knocked around before, there were usually no real reasons other than - he was drunk/coked up and pissed off about everything. I think a lot of relationships have this issue of people sitting around blaming their partner and not being accountable for the sh*t that THEY did to drive their partner away. It's a very American/Western idea. Growing up with a parent from a different country, I learned a very different way of people relating to each other and being equally accountable. Like, my Dad was really jealous and crazy posessive of mum for a while, he was paranoid because she worked at night. She totally tolerated him driving around her workplace at night to make sure she was at work and not cheating on him, and even joked about it with the security guys at the hospital "there goes my husband, wave to him, ha ha". Most american women would have flipped out and been like, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME, GET OFF MY BACK. But mum realized that her job and the times she worked were suspicious, so she tolerated it, they talked it out, and it all turned out fine. Link to post Share on other sites
greenhorn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 B_O I don't say that there can't be incompatability.There can be and there is but it is better to break off that relation than to cheat or become infidel. If you are not satisfied then leave the person and go along with whom you feel satisfied with, this is what I want to say.But this unsatisfaction and satisfaction does not mean for issues like game or music or favourite channel. I explained in the earlier post that this satisfaction means something you are getting from your friend being a MALE and not being a person. If your friendship is with him as a PERSON then it's ok but if it is with him as a MALE then it's not ok for your current bf. P.S - 'You' is used here in generic sense Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I think a lot of relationships have this issue of people sitting around blaming their partner and not being accountable for the sh*t that THEY did to drive their partner away. I agree that you should take responsibility for whatever you did to drive you partner away, but that doesn't mean that they are free from the accountability as well. One person shouldn't have to always be making concessions to please the other. There should be a common middleground and compromises on whatever the issue is. The OP's gf, for example, is unwilling to compromise. IMO, A person who is unwilling to compromise cannot then turn around and blame their SO for "driving" them to poor behavior. No, you weren't "driven" to it, you're just an a$$. (I'm using the general "you" here, not directing it at you, BO. ) Originally posted by blind_otter Most american women would have flipped out and been like, WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME, GET OFF MY BACK. But mum realized that her job and the times she worked were suspicious, so she tolerated it, they talked it out, and it all turned out fine. She sounds like a good woman. If more people thought like her (e.g., the OP's gf), and made efforts to accomodate the feelings of their SO, there would be less threads on this board. Link to post Share on other sites
RowanRavyn Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 That's a cop out. That's like saying, "If your boyfriend knocked you out, what are YOU doing to upset him/not be a good girlfriend?" As for the male friends thing, yes, for the most part you ladies are totally oblivious to the swimming shark phenomenon. But, at the same time, I'm not saying that girls absolutely shouldn't have male friends. There is, however, a big difference between going with your bf to meet up with your guy friends for a few beers every so often, and text messaging a male friend while out alone with your bf on what should be a very romantic night, as in the case with the OP. Male-female friendships aren't wrong in and of themselves, but what the OP's gf has with her male "friends" are more than just innocent friendships. Every situation is different, and hers certainly seems suspicious. I will give you that. Does she really hog them all to herself though? HAS he asked to meet them? Does she offer to let him hang out only to be told "I have nothing in common with them." Maybe something at the concert reminded her of the guy in an innocent way? I have been out with my honey, only to see something that reminds me of one of my friends I haven't seen in a while, and have made it a point to call and tell them I miss them (Not at the exact time...I don't have a cell phone...don't like them actually). She may just being a lying slut for all we know...but we don't have those other bits of information. As for the "That's a cop out. That's like saying, "If your boyfriend knocked you out, what are YOU doing to upset him/not be a good girlfriend?" " I actually got asked that when I went to certain people for help. "He dragged me out of the car by my hair" "Oh my God what did you do to make him so mad?" then the answer was "I don't know what I did wrong, I wish I knew." Now the answer would be, "WTF?" Honey that was just a bad example. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by tanbark813 IMO, A person who is unwilling to compromise cannot then turn around and blame their SO for "driving" them to poor behavior. No, you weren't "driven" to it, you're just an a$$. (I'm using the general "you" here, not directing it at you, BO. ) Yeah. Word to the mother. I hate it when guys say "I trust YOOUUUUUU, but those evil guys, man, I don't trust them!" Because it takes two to do the nasty, legally at least, so if cheating happens - it's not like she's like, oh, I covered my vagina with leaves and he just sort of fell in! </innocent sotto voce>, IMO, if she's gonna cheat, she's gonna cheat - whether her interactions with men are restricted or not. On another note: Oh come on, bait me a little bit. Then we can wraaaastle. And, actually I have been an ass on several occassions. Face down, a$$ up, as they say. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted March 11, 2005 Share Posted March 11, 2005 Originally posted by RowanRavyn Maybe something at the concert reminded her of the guy in an innocent way? I have been out with my honey, only to see something that reminds me of one of my friends I haven't seen in a while, and have made it a point to call and tell them I miss them (Not at the exact time...I don't have a cell phone...don't like them actually). That's part of my point though. According to the OP, she text messaged some other guy right in the middle of the concert. That's totally not cool. I don't actually believe that if a guy hits a girl, she's responsible for it. I was just using that as an extreme example. My point is, nobody is "driven" to anything. You choose to do what you do. And if someone honestly believes they are "driven" to poor behavior, then that means they have no control over themselves and should be placed in therapy. Originally posted by blind_otter Oh come on, bait me a little bit. Then we can wraaaastle. I figured my distasteful analogy was enough bait for this morning. I don't want to completely piss you off. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetpea01 Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 I have to agree and disagree with the swimming sharks theory.... I keep in touch with a lot of male friends...mostly guys I have dated in the past. When I met my ex-bf, I rarely hung out with these guys. Why? I guess I didn't need them anymore...and when I say need...I meant that I didn't need THEIR attention or testosterone, cause I had my bf. Later on, my bf cheats on me...but we get back together. Our new relationship was just alright...I wasn't that happy with him. I paid more and more attention to those guy friends I used to have. One, in particular. Went out to dinner...got drinks...hung out...phoned, IM'ed, emailed...and of course...TONS OF TEXT MESSAGES. He made me laugh! He made me feel attractive...and there was no baggage! I was so attracted to it, as opposed to my post-cheating relationship. So...what did I end up doing? SLEEPING WITH HIM!!! Yup, it turned sexual, and I slept with him a coupla times. It was just an overall crappy situation. I think Blind Otter is onto something with her "what is bf doing wrong" theory. Not that HE"S necessarily wrong...but I think something is lacking for her. There is obviously something she NEEDS and she should communicate that so that he (her bf) is able to meet her needs, and not some other guy. On the other hand, I do have guy friends I've had for years and years, and some are really non-sexual and totally unthreatening. I think with these kinds of guys, you talk on the phone here and there...romantic dinners with them would be weird. And, I also think it's inappropriate for her to be fostering new close male friendships...but I could understand why she could be drawn to those ppl she knew from waaay before. SP Link to post Share on other sites
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