Not who I thought I was...

[Diezel]

As I am getting older, I am beginning to learn much more about myself.

 

2014 has been a year of great revelation for me. I've progressed so much and yet at the same time, I am surprised and shocked about how much of myself I've come to NOT enjoy about myself.

 

Career-wise, I am at my best. Health-wise, I couldn't get any better. I have a myriad of friends who love hanging out with me, family who misses me, and am in a relationship with someone who seems to care greatly about me.

 

My problem is that personally, I don't think I like myself too much in this past year.

 

I've discovered that I have severe communication issues. I tend to hold things in because I don't want to frustrate other people with my problems or my own issues. Even with people who I have problems with, I won't say anything just to avoid disappointment or confrontation. I never realized it until it'd reach the boiling point and I'd lash out.

 

I tend to take other people's emotions and make them my own. The person I am with, has had a miserable last 12 months. Every day is a struggle for her at work and she hates her job. She tells me everyday because to be honest, she is being bullied by her boss. I used to try to encourage her and give her advice and she has looked elsewhere and tried just about everything, but for 12+ months, I hear the same thing. As a man, I try to give her solutions. That doesn't work. I try to empathize. That doesn't work. Apparently I never say the right things nor do I understand her situation. I used to think the problem was with her.

 

But as the year went on, I began to realize that I have this problem with a LOT of people. Co-workers, my boss, friends. If I get frustrated with anyone, I become a recluse. My family will sometimes go weeks or months without hearing from me unless a birthday comes around or I have really good news to tell.

 

When I get frustrated at work or within my own life, no one else can bring their crap into mine. I already have enough to deal with. I admit it and it's terrible. I'm selfish in some ways and in many others, I'm the most giving person ever. If I had a nice quiet night planned out to do my own thing and something happens to someone close to me and they need me, I get upset, because they are ruining my night. Still, I'll be there for them and that thought fades, but it shocks me that this is my honest reaction.

 

Most of the time, the world revolves around me, for some reason. I try to shut the world out because I take on other people's moods way too easily. I take things a little too personally sometimes and when I get upset, I tend to twist the meaning of things.

 

People will often listen to what I have to say, but I can't be bothered sometimes to give the same courtesy. Only if I am in a good place and I know I can help them... even then, sometimes I don't want to.

 

I feel bad for the person in my relationship. Whenever I've had an issue, she has been there for me. Whenever she's had an issue, I already know I am going to get in trouble for saying "the wrong thing". I know she already feels like she can't talk to me and that most of my friends feel that I am a friend "on the surface".

 

I don't know what to do, to be honest. Which is why I am probably here. Maybe some introspection along with a Q&A session from LoveShackers might help. This is me at my rawest and I'm ready to to get to know myself a little better and see how I can help myself become a better person overall. I'm just afraid that all of this learning is coming at the expense of other people who love to see me and spend time with me, but only when I decide that they can.

 

Any comments, questions, tips, hints, observations... are very welcome.

[Toodaloo]

First off stop beating yourself up.

 

You have seen and recognized that there are aspects to your character at the moment that you would rather change. You have identified what they are, when they happen and probable causes.

 

Now all you have to do is act upon it. Make time for the people you care about and put the effort in.

 

I suspect that what would also help you is to remember that no one is indispensable at work. Yes if you left right now it would be awkward but they would get through some how. So this means that when you are not at work, you don't need to worry about it.

 

Also start to prioritize the things that are important to you more. So would you rather have that 20 minute conversation with your parents and vacuum tomorrow? Yes there may be dust on the rug but its not harming you whereas having less contact with the people you love clearly is.

 

Other peoples problems are their own. You can help by advising or giving your opinion but ultimatly they have to take responsibility for their own actions and you have to leave them to make good their own mistakes. Yes they may be hurting right now if they have split up or lost a loved one but were you the one that split up with them? Did you cause this pain? No you did not. Only take responsibility for YOUR actions that includes emotional responsibility as well! This one is a really tough one as you have to be really hard on yourself at first but with practice you can learn to put things into the right compartments, be a listening ear but not take it on your own shoulders.

 

Sounds to me as though you are a bit stressed overall and have "can't see wood for trees" syndrome. Sounds like you could do with a bit of time to yourself just to take stock and breathe and see where you are at. Sometimes when you feel overwhelmed it just grows until its out of control but if you break things down into small steps it becomes much easier to deal with. Make time to just spend some time (an hour or so should do it) on your own each week so you can just refocus and put everything back into perspective.

 

Good luck - sometimes life does overtake us!